The best way to know a Nigerian Girl's real name is to ask for her bank account details... That's when "Natasha Hills" turns to "Chinasa Okoro lobatan

Remember when your primary school teacher told you that you're good for nothing but now you are the admin of three Whatsapp groups? My brother, You made it!

Advantage of fuel scarcity in nigeria

1. Most compounds are noiseless because 'I pass my neighbour generators are on sabbatical leave.

2. Wives are happy because husbands who like hanging out are now staying at home with the family because drinks outside are not cold and no fuel to drive out.

3. All the housewives are cooking good food because no more Crunches and Mr Biggs.

4. Kids are reading their books since watching TV needs fuel.

5. No more congestion in network since many peoples phones are off.

6. Browsing and downloading is faster than before cause not much people are online.

7. Everybody sleeps very early now, no more late night movies. Light no dey na.

8. There are MORE PRAYERS and less distractions.

9. Parents are over-joyed because their children that were always online now concentrate on their studies.

10. Even God Himself is very happy when he see people that haven't gone to church for months and years now going to church and staying for both first and second services just to charge their phones

A helicopter was flying around above Abuja when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said , "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the ABUJA airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the ASO ROCK Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer

You think you know all colours until Yoruba people start sending you wedding invitation

You'll see something like this: Acid Green on Fushia Purple with little touch of Ojuelegba blue.

Bride's family to wear Cockroach Brown with Custard Yellow.

Groom's family; Jollof Yellow with Fufu White.

Friends; Coconut White with Agama Lizard Head.

While all other guests should wear Pomo Brown on Alligator Pepper Green with a touch of Onion Purple and Maggi Yellow

How to nepa light problem

Go to nearby Bank. Greet Everyone. Plug phone to charge. Plug Power Bank and rechargeable fan.

Drink water from Dispenser, sit down, enjoy AC, watch Buhari on CNN.

Withdraw N1000...

Thank the bank staff and return home.

The next day, go and join the queue to pay back the N1000 into account

If boys are not careful, they would date the same girl twice. They would be like... BOY: You look familiar. GIRL: Yes you dated me in 2012... I was dark then

A policeman, Rich, stops a motorist and asks for his driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in his purse and can't find it. He says to the Rich, "I must have left it at home officer

Rich says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"

The motorist scuffles around in his purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

He looks at it and says to Rich, "All I have is this picture of myself."

Rich, says, "Let me see it, then."

So the motorist gives the mirror to Rich, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

A toasting conversation... GUY: Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place. GIRL: Awww... Are you single? GUY: No, I am a Dentist

A policeman stopped a car on the road and asked the driver for his usual roger (bride). The following conversation ensued...

DRIVER: My vehicle papers are in order. So, as a law-abiding citizen, I'm not going to give you any money!

POLICEMAN: With a sticker that says, "I'm a Cheerful Giver" on your car, you're under arrest for misleading the public!

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looked in his rearview mirror and noticed a police car with its red lights. He thought, "I can outrun this guy", so he floored it.

The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realised he can't outrun the policeman so he gave up and pulled over to the curb.

The police officer got out of his car and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen mister man, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my rear view mirror I thought you were the officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

Once upon a time, there lived a sorcerer and a wizard, they lived together under one roof, they eat from the same plate and drink from the same cup.

Unfortunately one day, they died...
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What are you scrolling down for?

I said they died... The end! Good day!

You try

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply

Rich asked Chichi in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you?" Chichi answered with a loud voice; "I DONT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!

All the students in the library started staring at Rich and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, Chichi walked quietly to Rich table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

Rich responded with a loud voice: "N50,000 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THATS TOO MUCH!!!"

everyone in the library looked at Chichi in shock and Rich whispered in her ears "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarrassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that stable, so that when the men get their urges they can..."

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk mid sentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

"Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base, the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me." the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "Is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face.

As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face. "Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

The teacher instructed the class to write an essay of 5 pages on "What is laziness".Rich in his book left 4 pages empty and on d 5th page wrote ''DIS IS LAZINESS

The C.E.O of a company was walking in the factory to see how the staff were doing. He noticed a guy leaning against the wall doing nothing, he approached the man and asked him, "How much do you earn?" The guy was amazed and said, "$600 sir".

The C.E.O. took out his wallet and gave the guy $3600 and yelled at him, "I pay people here to work and not waste time. This is your 6 months salary, now Get out of here, don't say a word and NEVER come back!"

After the guy had left, the C.E.O now looked at other workers and asked, "by the way, who was that guy?" The workers replied, "He was the pizza delivery guy sir...

Rich, a driver who survived in a tragic accident which rendered 50 people dead at Lagos-Ibadan Express Way was remanded in police custody to assist in police investigation.

Here is the Interrogation:
POLICE: Mr Akpos, how did you end up killing 50 people?
RICH: I was driving at 150km/hr when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brake but it failed, so I had to make a choice; either hit the two men or run into the wedding party.
POLICE: Hit the two men of course to reduce Casualties!
RICH: Exactly, we think alike oooh! But after hitting one, the other man escaped into the wedding party.
POLICE: So, what did you do?
RICH: I went after him to balance the equation...But unfortunately, people lost their lives in the process.

Rich and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Rich promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical doctor became aware of Rich' act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Rich the news, he said "Rich, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead."

Rich replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry

There were two evil brothers who were extremely rich. They went to the same church and on the surface appeared to be good christians.

One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sort out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said "I only have one condition, at the funeral you must say my brother was a saint". The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque.

At the funeral the pastor said "this man was a evil man, he lied, he stole, he cheated people" after going on and on for several minutes, he finally said "BUT compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"

Three friends Rich, Rukewe and Oghene decided to go for a picnic. Rukewe packs the picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. Oghene carried the basket and they set out for the park 10km away.

It takes them 2 hours to get there. When they arrived, Oghene found out that Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener. They begged Rich to make the 4 hour trip to go for the opener. He disagreed. "You'll finish the sandwiches before I return", Rich protested. "No we won't'", assured Rukewe. After some more cajoling from them, Rich reluctantly sets out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Rich. They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Rich. After waiting for more than 8 hours they were now very hungry so they decided to take one sandwich each.

As they were about to eat, Rich pops out from behind a rock screaming "I KNEW IT! I'M NOT GOING AGAIN!!!

:03
There three men living together. An Afro-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.
They took a walk and on approaching a restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they came up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. LISTEN MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU! the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let him leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CLOSELY. BUT I PAID YOU ALREADY! the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let him go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. He sat down. Lit up a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Wine. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, but before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him. "Sir, I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I cant understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I dont remember getting any money from them so - Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, OGA I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!!!"

A professor drove into a petrol station in his sleek state of the art range rover sports.

Professor: guy, abeg, give me full tank.

Fuel Attendant: Sir, I don't speak pidgin, I only speak English

Professor: Ok! good morning, I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorized automobile. Therefore I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.

Fuel Attendant: Oga na play I dey play o, how much fuel you wan buy?

An old farmer wrote to his son who was in prison "...this year I won't b able to plant potatoes and other things because I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would have helped me"

The son wrote back, "Dad, don't even think of digging the field do you want to expose me? That's where I buried the money I stole"

The police read the letter before delivering it to the father, and the next day the whole field was dug by police but nothing was found. The following day the son wrote to his father again, "Now you can plant your potatoes Dad, your farm has been dug for you"

Rich at an Art gallery
RICH: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
ART DEALER: I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror!

A burglar broke into a house one night and as he grab the stereo, he heard a voice saying "Jesus is watching you!". He froze in his tracks and has he shined his flash light around the room, he noticed a parrot in the corner, he said angrily "did you say that" the parrot answered back "Yep, I'm just trying to warn you".

The burglar looked puzzled and said "Warn me? Who are you", the parrot said "my name is Moses". He laughed and said "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses..." the parrot replied "the same kind of people who would name a hundred and fifty pound rottweiler Jesus

This Dog is Dog what Dog you Dog use Dog to Dog keep Dog an Dog idiot Dog busy Dog for Dog 20 Dog seconds Dog.

Read again without the word "Dog

You think you know all colours until Yoruba people start sending you wedding invitation

You'll see something like this: Acid Green on Fushia Purple with little touch of Ojuelegba blue.

Bride's family to wear Cockroach Brown with Custard Yellow.

Groom's family; Jollof Yellow with Fufu White.

Friends; Coconut White with Agama Lizard Head.

While all other guests should wear Pomo Brown on Alligator Pepper Green with a touch of Onion Purple and Maggi Yellow

PASTOR: Praise the Lord!!!

CHURCH MEMBERS: HALLELUJAH!!!

PASTOR: That Hallelujah is too small for my God.

RICH: Who are you? Heaven's sound system engineer?

Two guys seated on a long bench, one facing south and the other facing north, were smoking one weed. They shared it at intervals. The one facing south would smoke and give the other one facing north. They continued like this until they were both "high".

The one facing south suddenly sighted a policeman. He alerted the other, got up and runs away, "Guy, take off, take off, black and black is coming!"

But because the one facing North was more "high", he didn't hear. The weed was with the one that took off.

"Guy, give me the thing!" said the one facing north. He then turned and was face to face with the Policeman. "Guy, stop o! Just now, just now you have turned to a Policeman. Please turn back

I used N4,000 to buy fuel for my car. I decided to use the remaining N1,000 I had left in my pocket to get some food in a restaurant before I face the Lagos traffic. As I ordered the food and sat down to eat, a well-dressed man in a suit sitting beside me said, "I love the way you eat, try their snail, I will pay."

I hastily added four pieces of snail at a cost of N2,000 and continued eating. He said again, "You eat so well, please get a bottle of wine so that you can drink after eating."

I hastily made the order and was having fun. My total bill came up to about N10,000. I thanked him for accepting to pay.

As I stood to leave, my car key fell down and I bent to pick it. I discovered that the man was bare-footed! I thought the man was attending a certain church but 3 hefty guys immediately busted in and grabbed him by the arm. One of them said to me, "I'm sorry if this man has been disturbing you, he just escape from our psychiatric hospital this morning...''

I fainted