Alaye, while you're trying to locate just where your PVC is on the day before the election ...

If Providence endorses, I'd be out there in the foodstuff market buying 1 kilo of pork, beef, chicken, dog (what's dog meat called?), and fish… (that's 5kilo when you add), plus the necessary ingredients for the feast at hand.

Still on the eve, while some of you are scheming, plotting, and mapping out plans for the D- Day, I'd be sporting a blue apron right in my kitchen taking turns to separately cook, roast, and fry all the meat I bought.

Some of you will be used as agents of the devil, thugs for politicians, ballot box snatchers, and assassins.

While you're going through your of lists Dos and donts, testing your guns and muscle, I'd right there in my kitchen, red-eyed as fück like a corned bush rat, drinking all the smoke coming straight from the union of burning woods and trying hard not to mess up everything as I cook a Storm…

I didn't forget you Mr or Mrs eligible voters…

So, while you're still undecided, wrestling in the ring of your mind who to cast your vote for…I'd be trying not to shed tears as I slice the onions, and simultaneously fanning the flames expertly with the fans entwined in my toes .

Aboki, I know some of you won't sleep well on the night of the eve because there's chaos in your mind...I know I'd sleep like a baby if Providence agrees…

The D day's here and as you're getting ready to hit the polls, I'd be in my solitary crib packing the little stuff I'll need for a picnic! Stuffs like? My aboki mat, music box, my secret weed, a food flask steaming hot with the delicious jollof rice I fixed early in the morning, a cooler for my meat, and lastly ice coolers for Heineken.

Nwanne, while you're in the queue under the scorching sun ( not so strong among you would come with their umbrellas), with very serious faces to vote for very unserious men, I'd spread my green mat on the ground, and sit to enjoy nature alone.

Oh! Boy. I almost forgot…before you queue...

Some of you will come here, on Facebook, and Twitter to complain about the late arrivals of election materials. While you're lamenting bitterly like one who was denied his birthright, I'll tie and wrap my weed. Put off my phone because I don't want election interference.

Pheww!

While some of you would get doubly rejected by the machines, I will be in this natural habitat, up North, breathing in and out, staring long at the brilliant colored birds flying around and wishing I could fly away with them. Hey! I'm puffing my weed already.


You've now voted for all these stupid men… who bought forms for 100 Milla. Oh! Did I hear you say, some bought for 50million?

Well, ogbeni, I know you'd stupidly make some noise after the election, and hang around your ward in a sole bid to guide your vote, but the sensible ones around will go home…lol

And that's when I'd call you if you are in my clique of friends… To come over. To this beautiful environment close to a waterfall.

However, when you come I must've eaten half of everything.

The 1 kilo of pork, beef, still don't know what dog's meat is called, chicken, and fish are now reduced to half… I will still share from the half when you arrive and you must not talk about the happenings around. Such as, who shot who, the bleached-yellow guy that snatched a ballot and was promptly lynched to death, the gorgeous girl thant was mistakenly shot by trigger happy policeman, who won in your ward and mehn! Don't talk about the election or else you won't eat or drink anything that I brought.

While you're waiting for the Kardashians, calculating and following up on the results coming in, I'd be swimming in the stream whether it's a dark or moonlight night…

On the announcement day…

You're busy praying your favorite party pulls through... hahaha.

I'm busy praying to jet out of the country and when night comes, I will Bleep my tiny waist Hausa girl for believing that Nigeria will one day work.

Nigeria is a

The only person who’ll bring me out to vote is Osinbajo. If he doesn’t contest I’ll follow your way, I’ve done so for almost fifty years now and nothing of ill came my way.

We're waiting for the Kardashians...