My mother never approved of my wife from day one. We made much effort to pacify her to no avail. Her singular reason was that she was from a different tribe and as such there problems may become unresolved if push comes to shove. She went as far as being abusive to both me and my wife. During "Omugwo" I had to on so many occasions tell my wife to allow herself be bullied by her to let peace reign. Once you don't allow her have her way, any visitor that comes around must get to know the discomfort you have put her through and how i have turned to a "woman wrapper" and do anything to please my wife. She even went as far as saying I have been charmed with "juju". I know what obtains at home where in our presence my dad and mom chase themselves shamelessly because of her utterances. This has made me to dislike my mom and i have had to exchange words with her. I even vowed she will never come to my house again for any reason whatsoever.
Eventually My wife died 4 months ago by accident together with my baby after a visit home and my mom is the chief suspect (if indeed it’s an act of human science) though I have not been able to tell my in-laws what i feel for fear that things may take an uncontrollable dimension. I can recall the words of my mother-in-law “is there any person who you used to give money to that to stopped giving after you married my daughter?” .I told her to give me some time to think over it and later told her there was none because in actual fact there was none. My wife had been a blessing as I increased the monies i send to my mom's account after my wedding because she will always prod me to do so. Even when i say i was broke she will keep reminding me.
Although, as religion will say it must have been destined to happen if not it wouldn't have come to pass I have decided to keep mute about it. However, how does one tackle mother and daughter-in-law problem and squabbles? Is it by banning the mother-in-law from coming to the house or what? How does one convince the acceptance of a proposed fiancée? These questions and many others keep bugging my mind and I decided to throw to a forum like this under anonymity.

@poster by now you should be able to know what you mum can do to get things, sorry for the accident

Are you seriously for real?Your wife is now dead and you want to ask questions now

A man that can't control his own home which includes guests deserve to be castrated

My wife died as a result of accident. how do you now control that? If you actually read the write-up which I believe you did , you will see that it was written that she was not to come to the house any more.
that is by the way. the question is how do you tackle such a problem positively? how do you change her attitude?
how do you make her see that it is not like their time? How do you make her see that the decision as to who you want to spend the rest of your life with is yours to make and she can only guide? How do you make her see how much you love the woman in question?

your questions came too late

..

@OP,I know and read you said she died of natural causes but before then your inability to be a man and ur mom's decision to make her life a living hell ha killed uncountable times.

Now why are you asking?you wanna marry a new wife?The way forward is for you the man to cut urself loose from ur mothers aprons,know where to draw the line when it comes to liberties ur guests(includes ur mom) enjoy in ur house,when to man-up and show defaulters the door.

Cut yourself completely from your mother! Make she go live her own life ; your life is different. I dont really even support that lame omugwo. Mother's are always jealous of wife , no matter how nice the mum is. Been there, but i think it has to do with you more. Sorry to say I had to call my mom privately and WARNED her. She knows me very well I dont take bull.sh.t!

Now she calls before coming to my house though we dont live far from each other. Cos if she wants to keep seeing her grandchildren she has to treat them the way she treats their mother! Nothing concern me I no send anybody for family they know me. They can call me akata i dont care. If I visit her she can set the rules in her house but not my OWN house.

Pray you don't have a mom or mother-in-law that feels slighted and envious at almost anything. Apart from having to keep a distance from her, occasions will warrant you to be together especially during festivities. My baby was the first and only which makes me point fingers at those that were antagonistic in views and actions.That is, after removing the veil of religion. but the aim is what are the various ways positively that you could repress the friction in the little time spent together by the two.This is specifically, in the case i decide to marry again which may not be until after 5 years to really find time to mourn her. And thereafter, for such circumstance not to repeat itself.
Suffice it to say that on several occasions we have had to leave her presence in order not to for the situation to deteriorate until she was finally sent back to the village.

I'm confused . . . I thought it was only the woman's mother that does omugwo. What was your mother doing in your house for omugwo?

@ Uju,

It depends on your tribe. For Igbos, the woman's mother comes but for Yoruba's, the man's mother comes. Also, if any of the mother's is not able to come, the other mother can do so.

^^ I think it's a family thingy too. My mum went for omugwos when my brother's wife put to bed but she only went for a month and after my SIL's mother had stayed for 3 months. Same with the gurls in my family as well, my mum comes for 3months and hubby's mum comes for a month.

Anybody who understands grieving will know what he's trying to achieve by the question. The man's wife is dead and knowing how his mother felt about her I'm sure he is feeling guilty and wondering if maybe there were things he could have done to prevent her death. The answers won't bring her back but they can go a long way in helping him deal with his grief.

@OP
Bros, take heart. There's nothing you could have done to change the relationship between the two of them. I'm sorry to say this but your mother sounds like a quarrelsome woman who will probably find fault in Jesus himself. Those kinds of people are hard to deal with and it is better to just leave them in the hand of God. Take comfort in the fact that your wife was a good woman and inspite of how wicked your mother was to her, she still liked her.

@ All
It is offensive that someone comes here to pour their hearts out, some people respond with insults. A man lost his wife and someone is suggests he should be castrated. Is that supposed to be funny?

^^ txs for this post

@ OP, may God give u the strength to bear ur loss.

Just want to add that u should not let ur grief drive u to accuse ur mum falsely.
God knows best.

However, i feel u should have made ur stance with your mum known to her.

Condolences for the loss of your wife and child. In case of next time, you should put your foot down. Set boundaries with your mom or anyone else in your family. You shouldn't allow anyone into your home to bully, disrespect or abuse your spouse. You should have zero tolerance for that sorta thing. Your family does not have to approve of your spouse, but you should make it clear that they must respect her. If they can't do that, then they should stay away. You wife was a good woman, but your mom just wanted to find fault with her because she was of another tribe or whatever silly reasons she must have had. As for the cause of your wife and child's death, leave that to God.

Best wishes.

You are just looking for someone to blame for your problems. I am sorry about the loss of your wife and child, but i doubt your mother had anything to do with an accident. If it was a poisoning now then you can sit your mother down and ask her politely. I will advise that you channel your grief elsewhere. Your mother is not the witch doing you. If this is what your wife and her family have put in your head, please take it out. And distance yourself from such poisonous evil thoughts and evil people. Not because people (your mother) disagree with you on an issue, you blame them if it goes bad. She may have had her own personal reasons, nothing wrong with that. I am sure your mother is human with feelings. I suggest at this time you get closer to her, so that she can be there for you in your time of grief. You will need a strong support system to help you get over all this. This is not the time to blame anyone, or to go to places to verify what people are telling you. pastor will just chop your money. Sit down, and dont be ashamed to cry and show emotion. With time the pain will go away and you will be able to move on. Sometimes life gives us lemons, it is up to us to make lemonade out of it. If you want to blame anyone for your wife and sons death, the Nigerian government is responsible and the witch here.

Once again, this is just an avenue for pouring out my mind and trying to unburden my heavy and crying heart. Nairaland forum has always been where I run to for candid advice on burning issues. My regards goes to all that have contributed because you may not know the effect and impact it makes especially since I believe objectivity is guaranteed.
Getting close to my mum will worsen issues because she has started suggesting I get married and she has someone already arranged. But I have always had to think and roll over whatever she says independently because she doesn't want to come to terms with the fact that I am a man that has an independent mind. I don't want to use the word "hate" but she knows I dislike her and she keeps a distance from me . The issue is that I know it is her nature to be cantankerous especially since she often has fallouts with my siblings whenever she goes visiting.
The reason I allowed her come for "omugwo" was because my wife's mom is incapacitated and the elder sister who would have come works and suggested she come stay with her instead of she coming over. I objected because I wanted to see my baby and wife daily. So we agreed my mom comes and I forewarned her about my mom. Our intention was for her to stay for 2 weeks at most just to put her through the nitty gritty of tending to a baby.
I love my wife and I was so protective of her and heaven knows. I have even vowed not to delve into any relationship until after 3 years. She would have done even more than that if she were alive. I was her KING and she treated me as such. Very meek a person. If given the opportunity again I would go for her against all odds.
Why am I saying all these. Am just pouring my heart out under the guise of anonymity. Though people look that I am strong and getting over the incident but it is better imagined than felt.
My elder sister is married to another tribe and the husband does not get a better treatment. As such he does not eat food cooked by my mum when she comes around. Its as bad as that. Often, I have told my brother that if I were my dad I would pack my belongings and disappear from the house. I am not exaggerating at all. She is my mum but she has changed from the woman I used to know.
Maybe a part of it is my fault. I didn't grow up with her but I have noticed that if you want to be in her good books you praise her to put her in the right disposition before presentation of your case.
Apart from keeping a distance there are instances where I will have to be with her for a couple of days. I know prayer can do wonders but I want to sound religious. And sincerely, I wish to go flirt with another tribe just to spite her and make her get to know its my life. I actually know her desire is that her children marry from home but to almost every rule their is an exception.
Pardon me for the digression, but the question is how do I manage my mom when she doesn't tolerate my wife because yours truly went for love when he found it damning all odds.


dent mind. I don't want to use the word "hate" but she knows I dislike her and she keeps a distance from me . The issue is that I know it is her nature to be cantankerous especially since she often has fallouts with my siblings whenever she goes visiting.
The reason I allowed her come for "omugwo" was because my wife's mom is incapacitated and the elder sister who would have come works and suggested she come stay with her instead of she coming over. I objected because I wanted to see my baby and wife daily. So we agreed my mom comes and I forewarned her about my mom. Our intention was for her to stay for 2 weeks at most just to put her through the nitty gritty of tending to a baby.
I love my wife and I was so protective of her and heaven knows. I have even vowed not to delve into any relationship until after 3 years. She would have done even more than that if she were alive. I was her KING and she treated me as such. Very meek a person. If given the opportunity again I would go for her against all odds.
Why am I saying all these. Am just pouring my heart out under the guise of anonymity. Though people look that I am strong and getting over the incident but it is better imagined than felt.
My elder sister is married to another tribe and the husband does not get a better treatment. As such he does not eat food cooked by my mum when she comes around. Its as bad as that. Often, I have told my brother that if I were my dad I would pack my belongings and disappear from the house. I am not exaggerating at all. She is my mum but she has changed from the woman I used to know.
Maybe a part of it is my fault. I didn't grow up with her but I have noticed that if you want to be in her good books you praise her to put her in the right disposition before presentation of your case.
Apart from keeping a distance there are instances where I will have to be with her for a couple of days. I know prayer can do wonders but I want to sound religious. And sincerely, I wish to go flirt with another tribe just to spite her and make her get to know its my life. I actually know her desire is that her children marry from home but to almost every rule their is an exception.
Pardon me for the digression, but the question is how do I manage my mom when she doesn't tolerate my wife because yours truly went for love when he found it damning all odds.

My heart breaks for you. Do you feel some guilt that in your wives short time with you, you did not protect her enough? For many people when tragedy strikes we blame ourselves. I think we almost want to hurt ourselves because it makes it easier to cope and you even feel guilty when you laugh. It takes time. You have to give it time. it will get better. I don't know that there are any words that will make you feel better but try to think positive. You kind of need to get your mom out of your mind for now. That hate can kill your spirit. I hope you find comfort somehow. Just give it time.

Does she act like this with your other siblings? or r they more resistant than u are? While u were young and unmarried, u probably allowed your mom influence many of the decisions u made, that is why she is still very intrusive with you and would not stop or find anything wrong with it, i would advise you to move far away from her if u can, as far as u can, if u wish to be happy. and if u hope to get married consider your self first b4 any other also no matter what, always remember she is your mother, never use abusive words on her, never do that.

God would see you through.

A month ago my brother went home to present a lady whom he intends to spend the rest of life life together with to my parents. Your guess is as good as mine. Before he went he called me in order that i may share my experience with him. I told him it was diplomacy he had to use because my dad is more exposed and may not have issues. when we met later he reaffirmed that it was what I said and because of that skepticism enveloped his fiancee in all that went on. he further went on to say that my mom threatened she was going to jump into well in the event he comes home with one not indigent from my place. its as bad as that.I had to encourage him that if he had found his missing rib , then so be it. I really don't know why most mothers especially, prefer intra-tribal marriage .so my case is not in isolation. what amazes me subsequently is why still hold ill feelings after wedding especially when you no there is no room for divorce in christian wedding? It is for better for worse.

I kind of feel you guys have encouraged this behavior in your mother. It seems you guys never tell her straight. She is your mother but there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her what will not be tolerated. I think she was like this all her life and your dad put up with it. The kids did the same and you guys are still doing it now. It will be hard to change it in her old age. Is she by any chance the first born in her family? When she threatens to jump in a well you can tell her that you will dig a nicer deeper one for her so she can jump in style. Say with respect though LOL. I don't think your mom gets it and she does not get it because she has no reason to get it. You people have never given her a reason to get it. This is why you always have to remember that life indeed is for the living. Life is too short to always worry about other peoples opinion of your own life. I encourage you to stay strong. One day your mom will see the light. For now you have more than enough to worry about on your own

@ Poster

I'm so sorry for your loss and the unfortunate situation you found yourself with your mother.

I'm more direct in treating issues like this and if it were me, I will cut her off COMPLETELY form my life.

If your mother has decided to make herself a problem in your life, you treat her like one.

When she started making life miserable for her children, she made a choice to lose you guys.

If you ask me, the only way to immortalize your wife is to stay away from your mother!

I am overwhelmed by your suggestions. I don't know what tomorrow has in stock but I believe positively that all is well. My mom came to the city at my sister's place and of course I had to go there to greet her. I have since packed from my old abode and she doesn't know the new one yet. Its a phase I need to sort things