Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. - Family - Nairaland
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| Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 2:48am On Sep 20, 2022 |
Few days ago, my friends and I attended a lecturer's wedding and it was quite a fun experience. After the event we converged in my house to discuss and chill majorly because we haven’t seen each other for well over 6 months (ASUU wahala), we started out talking about our coping mechanism during this period of protracted strike, plans for the future and eventually we delved into a very serious albeit inspiring conversation about marriage . We are all unmarried and a major part of that conversation borders on our fears of marrying the wrong person and having a miserable life after all our years of struggles. I thought a lot about what we discussed after they left and I came to some realizations that I will love to share; I observed how some persons struggle relentlessly to build a career or create a business. They have no problems having sleepless nights, paying for a lot of courses, attending various seminars and reading lots of books to ensure that they succeed in their various fields. They might fail severally or be disappointed but they will often find a way to stay motivated while trying until they succeed. Ironically, a good percentage of these persons act so unenthusiastic about making their marriage work and building a happy home, especially with the belief that there’s this special person somewhere that fits with them perfectly regardless of their faults and personality. Eventually when they find someone and the reality of life kicks in, they start making frantic and half-hearted attempts at trying to make things work, eventually they get frustrated they just give up and leave things to fate and prayers. These are the career legends, gladiators in their chosen fields but mediocre husbands or wives. Ask them why their marriage is not working, they will list all the faults of their partners and absolve themselves of any role or faults, they might now end it with "I am not saying I am perfect, I have my own flaws but I know I am sincerely not the problem here." Oga, truth is you are miles away from perfection, a significant contributor to the problem in fact, one might be surprised to find out that you are the main problem in the marriage but you have failed to self introspect and acknowledge this. They will rather distract themselves by staying late at work, cheating with someone else to get that happiness they want, getting drunk before they get home, developing new hobbies, travels or worst still come to social media to give takes and opinions that further increase the circumference of this problem. These distractions end up complicating the problems and the marriage/relationship gets so toxic that separation or divorce becomes inevitable. Thank God we now live in a time where people idolize those that couldn't make their home work, especially if they are celebrities, they are rich or living the “ideal” life. Please don't get me wrong, I am not advising anyone to stay in a toxic or abusive relationship, there are times when leaving becomes the best decision. My position is that maybe before it got that toxic, both of them could have chosen to work on themselves, by shifting the focus to themselves and not their partner maybe they could have been able to make it work. 11 Likes 3 Shares |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 2:50am On Sep 20, 2022 |
Marriage is a serious and important affair, it can make or mar your life, you might succeed in every other areas of your life but still have a miserable life that is devoid of any real happiness if you get it wrong in your marriage. To those of us that are still unmarried, let's ensure we are ready before plunging in, When I say ready, I am not only talking about financial stability because that's what most of us focus on. A guy believes he is ready for marriage only when he has a stable job, a car, a fine house and a fat account balance. That's the only thing some ladies also focus on when searching for a partner. I am not saying all these things are not important, but there are other equally important things. Hardly will you hear someone say the reason why they aren't married is because they think they are not emotionally mature enough or still have some bad habits/toxic traits that they know might ruin their home and they are trying to work on them. Our behaviors, ways we interpret situations and events and reasons for our decisions are due to the beliefs and convictions we have held on to for years. Some of our beliefs and convictions about marriage were instilled subconsciously over the years from sources as diverse as; our upbringing, our experiences from our teenage relationships, other people's experience that we have seen, beer-parlour talks, movies, music, comedy skits, memes, tweets, tik tok videos etc. Some of these things I listed might sound funny, but you will be shocked if you decide to question the sources of some of your beliefs.. If you were raised in chaotic home, it's certain that you have subconsciously picked some beliefs that will dictate how you are going to handle issues in your own marriage. 11 Likes 6 Shares |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 2:51am On Sep 20, 2022 |
We need to respect our parents because they have sacrificed a lot for us but they might not be the best role model to emulate when it comes to marriage. A girl raised by a single mother should realize that her mother might not be objective in some issues and might end up giving her biased advice that will destroy her home and a vicious cycle will ensue. If you were raised in a loving and stable home, good for you, your parents might be the best role model to emulate. But if you were not, good for you too, because you are now a grown up with a mature mind, you can now decide to create new good beliefs and convictions and ensure that you don't repeat the mistakes of your parents. So my friends and I decided that worrying about the kind of person our wives will turn out to be is pointless because it's not in our control, we should rather adopt an inward-outward approach, where we will focus on ourselves and try to work on all the bad habits we have that might sabotage our marriage, which in all sincerity is well within our control. I wrote down a number of toxic traits/bad habits that I have and believe might end up ruining my home and the length of the list was scary (lol). Let me mention a few resolutions I made, I told myself I don't want to be the kind of husband that; . Will not respect God's rule and will be engaging in all sorts of shameful acts. • Lacks sexual discipline and will sleep with anyone all in the name of konji. • will say hurtful things to his wife because he is angry. • will rather spend hours chatting with people kilometers away than talk to my wife lying beside me. • A man that will allow his ego and pride to prevent him from admitting he is wrong. These things are in my control, I can work on them and I might be lucky to end up with a partner that appreciate these things. I have decided to embark on a personal developmental journey to get rid of some of the bad habits I have identified, I know the road is going to be long and hilly but I also know it's going to be an interesting one.. I am going to be writing about my experience, mistakes, frustration, improvements and failures as i travel this long road. So identify your own flaws, make efforts to get rid of them, learn good habits, unlearn the toxic beliefs and convictions you have, you might be lucky that doing these things have already solved over 60% of the marital problems that would have destroyed your home.. Habeeb Oluwapelumi Tijani. 8 Likes 3 Shares |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Peterrio: 3:19am On Sep 20, 2022 |
pelumiii: This number 1 isn't very clear to me, please give examples of "Will not respect God's rule and will be engaging in all sorts of shameful acts" |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 3:34am On Sep 20, 2022 |
Peterrio: what I meant by "I don't want to be the kind of husband that will disobey God's rule and engage in shameful acts" is I plan to obey God's commandments to the best of my ability and not engage in shameful acts that I believe are morally wrong. I didn't want to give examples because what I believe to be wrong might not be to others. 3 Likes |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Peterrio: 4:05am On Sep 20, 2022 |
pelumiii: Ok What about characters like patience, long-suffering, endurance, etc how do you hope to build them? |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 4:55am On Sep 20, 2022 |
Peterrio: Like I said in the write-up, I know it's going to be a long stressful journey but let me share with you how I av been working on my patience. I realized feelings/emotions are overated, they don't last long, what makes you happy now might make you sad in the next 24hours. I have seen people make life changing decisions based on an emotion that will fizzle out very soon. Anger for example, it doesn't really last long, yet people have destroyed their lives over an emotion that might not last more than 2hours. So anytime I get angry now, I find solace in that knowledge that it's going to fizzle out soon, so i try not to make any rash decision at that point. Of course we are humans, some emotions are just very overwhelming that we react instinctively without stopping to think. Another thing I now do is control my interpretations, I choose how I intrepet events, I choose what things really mean to me. For example, It will be hard to find me getting irritated and angry in traffic, because I always choose to interpret the event differently from other persons, I know the traffic moving is out of my control, so I just tell myself maybe I should just relax and read a book. Most times ehn, the way we see our problems is actually the problem, the same incident can happen to you and I and we will get entirely different interpretations fron them and this means we are going to react differently.. same circumstance oo, entirely same events but very different reactions. So I av decided that I am going to start choosing interpretations that empowers me. But like I said, it's going to be hard internalizing all these, but I will keep learning from my mistakes. 4 Likes |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Spreadpeace(m): 7:16am On Sep 21, 2022 |
Apt, and we'll put together piece. |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 9:38pm On Sep 21, 2022 |
Spreadpeace:Thank you boss. |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 5:09am On Oct 21, 2022 |
pelumiii:Waoh! It has been a month since I embarked on this personal developmental journey and I must say, it has been an exhilarating experience, I learnt more about marriage and relationship in a month than i have learnt all these years, all thanks to the countless advice and warnings I got from married folks that read my article.. I wasn't aware there are so many powerful books on the subject and yet people plunge into marriage without arming themselves with the right knowledge, they would rather learn on the job and make all the mistakes they could have averted if only they have the right information... I have adopted the inward-outward approach and it's really working out for me, what this means is fix yourself first before trying to fix your partner.. I will be sharing my lessons, challenges, insights, frustrations and developments as i saunter along on this journey. Stay tuned  4 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Richy4(m): 6:26am On Oct 21, 2022 |
pelumiii: I would have loved to read your stuff but most times I read using my phone instead of the laptop. What I have discovered is maybe U are allergic to paragraph... Do you know how words and letters keep raining down without mercy.. it gives some people headache believe me  ...1 Like |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 7:42am On Oct 21, 2022 |
Richy4:Lol... the allergic to paragraph part got me laughing really hard.. I guess it's because I typed it on my phone sha, well you are the first person to say that article is not well paragraphed, the only thing some persons complained about is the lenght of the article, I will try to work on it..thanks for ur imputs.. 2 Likes |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 7:48am On Oct 21, 2022 |
Richy4:I have given it some spacing and i must say it looks a bit better and less prone to give headaches, lol.. Thanks for the advice 1 Like |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by faithfull18(f): 8:48am On Oct 21, 2022 |
Nice one, I love to see intentional people men especially, keep it up. 4 Likes |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 6:41pm On Oct 21, 2022 |
faithfull18:Thank you ma 2 Likes |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Divay22(f): 1:09am On Oct 22, 2022 |
pelumiii:Please, do well to recommend some of the books.. Thanks. 1 Like |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 6:27am On Oct 22, 2022 |
Divay22:If there is one book i will strongly recommend everyone should read before getting into a serious relationship or marriage, it's emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman.. That book really changed my life, the world is filled with people who get easily swamped by their emotions and end up making decisions that destroy their lives and their loved ones.. Understanding your emotions and learning how to manage manage them is one of the greatest gift you can give yourself, especially learning how to control your impulses. You can skip the part one if you don't like reading esoteric stuff, it's kinda boring. The second book is "The art of loving br Erich Fromm" The one I am currently reading is "The Fatherhood principle by Dr Myles Munroe". There are many books that I downloaded, but these three are the ones I have read or currently reading. 3 Likes 2 Shares |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by Richy4(m): 7:07am On Oct 22, 2022 |
I have read your article buddy.. and I must say that you are really smart ...I understand that experience is better in all these but how come you don't comment on this family section to help some people with relationship issues or do u have another disastrous account that could make a Reverend father blush here in NL Even if u are not married, a little bit of a smart input like this might go a long way to salvage some situations u know  |
| Re: Drop the victm mentality, you are not that innocent. by pelumiii(m): 9:44pm On Oct 22, 2022 |
Richy4:Thanks bro for reading and the commendation, I really appreciate it... I don't have any other account oo(lol), I have always been a silent member on nairaland, infact this is actually the first time I am posting on nairaland and it was a friend that suggested I do so... I will take your advice once again and try to drop my imputs once in a while on issues I have knowledge of. |
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