EXCUSE ME: I want a private jet, so help me God
By Victor Ehikhamenor

Yes, the title of this week’s piece is not a mistake and if by the time it is published, my editor has changed the headline, two of us will put our legs in one trouser.
Flying Aero Contractors to Benin City last Friday has temporarily cured me of rolling my eyes at our president, mega-pastors and Rotimi Amaechi, Governor of Rivers State, for buying pimped-out private jets. Matter of fact, I pray that Governor Amaechi has taken delivery of his jet and people should leave him alone, especially now that we are in the rainy season and things get quite rough when landing with commercial or old planes.

Last Friday I decided to pay a weekend visit to Benin where our comrade governor, Adams Oshiomhole, is on the other side of the labour fence now and threatening fire and brimstone on his former hoi-polloi comrades! This life na wa sha, but let’s move on. No, but seriously, labour movement in Edo is pretty much screwed, because Oshiomhole wrote the tactics book on how labour unions should arm-twist both federal and state governments in Nigeria and now that he is in government, Edo workers can’t figure out how to frighten a masquerade with another masquerade.

I boarded the plane and flying makes me queasy as if I was doing mental arithmetic in front of my headmaster, Akwa Duru, God bless his departed soul. But to reduce my tension, I decided to dream of the ogbono soup and pounded yam my uncle’s wife had promised me once I land. As I was salivating on the thought of eating dry fish, the plane shook. Brothers and sisters, it takes only a small bump for my palms to start flooding like Lekki during rainy season. I kept telling myself, Calm down; it is only a 30-minute journey. Little did I know we were in for a good three-hour ride, as if the air has suddenly become Benin-Ore road.

The pilot commanded us to fasten our seat belts and ordered the air hostesses to stop all activities. When air hostesses are ordered to sit down, it cannot possibly be an Owambe situation. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have some planes ahead of us trying to land in Benin. As soon as they do, we too can land. Enjoy the free ride till we are able to land. Haw-haw-haw!” Very funny, comedy central for the pilot; hellish ride for the passengers. And I just don’t know why I am so pteromerhanophobic when flying locally.

For what seemed like eternity the pilot never spoke to us again. At one point we were so close to landing that I saw rooftops and erosion in Benin. But within seconds the pilot put the plane on gear five and went back into the clouds. Suddenly, a vigorous vibration started. It was time for me to start forgiving all my real and imagined enemies and cancelling debts. Before I knew it, two women in front of me jump-started a Full Gospel ministry. As the plane danced, one of the women, Pastor Woman, fired on strong prayers, of how God has promised His children power over untimely death. Meanwhile, I was struggling to find words from the Bible besides “Peace, be still”. Mind you when you are facing turbulence in the air, there are certain words you just don’t want to include in prayer, e.g., Die! Die! Die!

After forever and the church service had gone into full swing, the pilot finally said we were returning to Lagos, because we couldn’t land. Now Pastor Woman and the congregation did not see any need for praying in regular English anymore; all communication with our Creator was now rendered in tongues. At this point my prayers became audible but monosyllabic. The pilot never updated us again while we were worshiping and binding the devil and the plane was doing Bonsue Fuji! A gentleman begged profusely to use the toilet, gasps and moan were heard at every violent shake the plane did. I had already sweated out all my bodily fluids through my palms.
To cut short story long, we landed safely and the plane erupted in high praise and worship songs like we were having a child dedication. The pilot asked us to come down so they could refuel because there was “no emergency service to watch over the plane while it was being refuelled with passengers inside”. Hmmm. He said he was going back to Benin again. I ran out of the plane and bade him safe journey.

Why do I want a private jet when I am not the president or the governor of any state or pastor of any church? Because the Aero pilot did not communicate enough to either calm our fears or let us know what the deal was. His two updates during a three-hour ordeal were not enough. So, in my private jet I want to have access to the cockpit and lay hands on my pilot if need be. If you are reading this and the Lord has touched your heart, buy me a Canadian-made Bombardier Global Express XRS. Remember God loves a cheerful giver.




http://234next.com/csp/cms/sites/Next/Home/5738567-146/story.csp

Couldn,t stop laughing all through.
Naija is a comedy land

Truely Nigeria is a land for comedian to make billions me wey neva drink gari Since yesterday even dey laf.Those in Edo should please speak to FORMER comrade Oshiomole to apoint this poster as Special advicer on laffing affairs.No joke oh!

This is beautiful. I could help laughin all through my reading. Thumbs up! At least thank God u made it! And as for ur private jet, u try open a church at least dats easier for u dan bin president or state governor! Lol

Thumbs Up Joor but about d jet u need to turn bishop then you wil start countin