Akpors spat saliva and rubbed on his head.

Teacher: Akpors! What stupid thing are you doing? ...Why are you smearing your head with saliva?

Akpors: Madam! I overheard my Mum last night telling my Dad in their Bedroom, that if it is hard and not entering properly, he should apply saliva on the head and it will surely enter!

Because what you are teaching is not entering, I have 2 rub saliva on my head.

Lol

I was in a taxi chatting with my friend on 2go and suddenly discovered that the man sitting beside me was reading my conversation. Since i did not want to embarrass the man,i decided to change the topic of the chat; Abeg oga, please tell Kabiru Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that I only took two of the bombs we just manufactured for this operation. Let them know as well that I may find it difficult to get to the target place before the bombs explode because there is terrible traffic jam now but nevertheless, I am sure casualty figure will be high since we are five in our taxi and all the vehicles in the traffic will be affected too. We have less than 3minutes for the bomb to go off bye bye and take care of my parents and siblings as agreed. The Man, without allowing the taxi to stop quickly opened the taxi door and jumped out. Ahaha LOL

A guy who wanted to get rid of
his nagging and over demanding girlfriend tried all attempts which didn't work out. One day, an idea flashed into his head. He logged into Facebook, browsed into people's profile and suceeded in downloading four beautiful girls pictures. He printed it out and wrote with red ink R.I.P on each of the pictures.
He hid them in a magazine and kept it on top of his television. On Saturday Morning, his girlfriend was cleaning the house and saw the pictures on the magazine. She walked up to him at the bedroom...

Girlfriend: Darling!

Guy: Sweetie what is it?.

Girlfriend: I saw this pictures on the magazine at the top of the television. Who are this girls?.

Guy: Oh that, forget about them, it's not important

Girlfriend: It's important to me, i need to know please.

Guy: Ok, This one is Onome, I met her at a friend's wedding. We dated and wanted to get married, but two months before the wedding. she got involved in a car accident and died. This one is Ngozi, we met at Mr Biggs restaurant, we dated for a while. One day, she was helding to Lagos and her car catched fire, she got burnt below recognition. This one is Roselyn, she was my neighbour’s daughter who came back from London on a visit.
We met and spent a night together, she got involved in a plane crash while returning back to London. Her corpse was never found. This one, oh Angela, her name is Angela, I loved her so much. We went to visit my pastor, on our way back a truck ran over our keke napep, she died instantly and I and the driver survived. it was after her that I met you.

Girl: Meet who, no be me and you o. I'm no more interested in this relationship.

She quickly picked up her bag and took to her heels.

LOL

££VICTOR££:
I was in a taxi chatting with my friend on 2go and suddenly discovered that the man sitting beside me was reading my conversation. Since i did not want to embarrass the man,i decided to change the topic of the chat; Abeg oga, please tell Kabiru Sokoto or Abu Qaqa that I only took two of the bombs we just manufactured for this operation. Let them know as well that I may find it difficult to get to the target place before the bombs explode because there is terrible traffic jam now but nevertheless, I am sure casualty figure will be high since we are five in our taxi and all the vehicles in the traffic will be affected too. We have less than 3minutes for the bomb to go off bye bye and take care of my parents and siblings as agreed. The Man, without allowing the taxi to stop quickly opened the taxi door and jumped out. Ahaha LOL

Thats so cool!

Pls keep them coming

Guy: Hi girl what's up?.
Girl: I'm fine, please do i know you?
Boy: Not really but i'm rich.
Girl: Oh ok, i'm Rosy by name, i'm 20 and a student. I like short and dark guys. Nice to meet you.
Guy: no ooo! i said i'm rich by name.
Girl: Sorry please, i don't talk to strangers.

A Man was in his car when he saw a guy eating grass. He told his driver to stop, which he did. He got out and asked the guy; Why are you eating grass?.
The guy replied; I'm so poor, I can''t afford foodto eat."
The Man said; Ok, come with me to my house.
While they were in the car helding to the man's house. The guy said; Thank you sir for taking me to your house, that's kind of you.
The Man replied; Don't worry, you are going to love it there, the grass is a football field.

A Man sent his wife to the market while he was busy pressing his phone.

30minutes later, a policeman came to him and said; your wife just had an accident. He replied; i don't think it's my wife because she just went out 30minutes ago. The policeman said;n can you please come along with me, to know if she is your wife or not.
The man said; Officer i'm busy doing something online now. Go, snap her picture and upload it on Facebook then tag me. If it's my wife i will LIKE but if it's not
my wife i will remove the tag.

LOL

A pastor married an uneducated jealous woman. One day the woman was in the kitchen cooking when she overheard him praying in the parlour, “Thank you Lord for bringing mercy, joy and grace into my life.”

She quickly ran into the parlor with a frying pan, hit him on the head and said; I knew you were a player and a fake pastor! You’ve just prayed for all your girlfriends, you think I did not hear you eh, Who the hell are Mercy, Joy and Grace

ahahaha

A guy was toasting a girl. After everything the girl asked him; are you in school, what course are you studying?. He replied; Yes i'm in school, i'm studying food science.

A week later, the girl saw him watching plates in a local restaurant. She was shocked; Gosh! What are you doing here?. He smiled and replied; I'm doing my I.T


hehehehehe

James and Peter were lost in the Sahara desert. They were dying of thirst and hunger when they saw a mosque.
James said; Let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I'm going to call myself 'Sanusi'. Peter refused to change his name.
He said; I will not pretend to be who i'm not.
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked of their names,
James said; My name is Sanusi.
Peter said; My name is Peter.
The Imam turned to his followers and said; Please bring food and water for Peter.
He turned to James (Sanusi) and said; 'RAMADAN MUBARAK BROTHER'!

A police officer stops a guy driving at a very high speed.
Police: do you realize driving at such high speed is a crime?.
Guy : yes officer. And i don't care.
Police : hmm...ok can i have your papers, rude man.
Guy: no you can't...and as a matter of fact i stole this car 30minutes ago.
Police : ehen....so you are a thief,okay what's in your pigeon hole.
Guy : not much just my shotguns, ak47 riffle, 20 rounds ammunition and a 20kg packet of cannabis.
Police : (still surprised) you also possess arms and hard drugs. You are a goner today...open your boot fast fast let me search.
Guy: no need officer i have inside that boot, about 20 pieces of human heads for my daily rituals and 2 dead bodies that i want to dispose off quickly.
Police: oh my God!.... ritual killing, theft, possession of arms and hard drugs. Hmm! Your own don finish today.. your games is up o, i'm calling the station. (makes a call through to the D.P.O)
Some minutes later, D.P.O arrived with reinforcement--

D.p.o : yes officer what's the matter?.
Police : that man is a criminal and ritual killer in posession of arms, hard drugs, human heads and this car which he stole and used in conveying them.
DPO: Ok ok... (walks to the guy)... Mr man can i have your papers.
Guy : of course... (hands it over)
DPO: (flip,..flip..flip.,) officer his papers are complete and authentic.....
Police: sir no mind am... Make we search his car you will see what i am talking about...
DPO : OK..alright ..can you open your pigeon hole sir....(Man opens pigeon hole)..Officer i don't see guns, drugs or anything incriminating in here as you said...(now angry) are you trying to ridicule me...
Police : aah, sir no be so sir ...(now trembling)..ok let's check his boot.
DPO : please sir lets see your boot.
Guy : hmmm...( **still silent**, opens the boot) .
DPO : Officer can you now see. The boot is empty... what point were you trying to prove, you said this man is in possession of arms, drugs and also said he's a ritualist.
Guy : what! Unbelievable...hmmm this days i wonder what the police force is turning into, i guess he also told you that i was driving at a very high speed too.

hehehehe

Season Jokes... Sorry i just have to repeat this one

A girl fell down from 80th floor.

A boy caught her on 65th floor n asked her: "Will you hug me ?"
She replied: "No"
The boy dropped her.
She was caught on 30th floor by another boy. He asked her:"Will u kiss me?
She replied,"No not @ all"
He dropped her too.
She prayed for a last chance when a boy caught her on 5th floor.
She immediately said,"I will hug u & kiss u."
The boy dropped her saying,"Astaghfirullah! I'm fasting.

LOL

thumb up man. You are making even the sadst heart laugh. That's a good job. Thanks alot. Ur jokes are classic.

At a wedding in a church, the Pastor said to the congregation; is there any man or woman here who knows anything that will make this wedding not to go on?. You may say it now or forever remain silent. A guy stood up at the back of the church and started walking towards the altar in anger. The bride fainted, the groom ran out of the church. The Pastor gave the guy microphone to say his mind. The guy said; Pastor, i don't need your microphone, please tell your ushers to respect themselves and mind their business. They are hitting me on my head all in the name of trying to wake me up from sleep. I can't take that anymore o

At a Sunday worship service, Pastor said; Turn to your left and say to your neighbour, "neighbour, it shall be permanent in your life". I turned to my left and saw a cripple. Apparently confused and full of pity, i stared at him and said; Please don't mind Pastor. He replied; Ofego, na God save you, i wish you talk am, i for take slap scatter your face.

A guy who was a notorious womanizer entered the ladies toilet of a hotel instead of the men's toilet. He sat down and noticed four buttons with the following inscriptions on them: WW, WA, PP, APR. Curious, he pressed the WW button. His buttocks was gently sprayed with warm water.

GUY: I love this!

He pressed the WA button. A blast of warm air dried his buttocks.

GUY: Wow! I'm loving this.

He pressed the PP button. A powder puff rubs on his buttocks and makes him smell fresh.

GUY: This is good, look at how i'm being pampered, i truly truly love this.

He pressed the last button, which is the APR button and woke up in a hospital bed.

NURSE: Sir, did you press the APR button.

GUY: Yes, yes, i pressed it.

NURSE: APR means Automatic Pad Remover. I'm sorry sir, when the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls, Your balls are in this Jar.

GUY: Heyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

Polinus, who was a houseboy thought to himself; Imagine, Apa the new houseboy stays at home, while i now go to madam's shop. Every evening when i return from the shop, Apa usually enters madam's room, banging the walls, moaning and comes out sweating. I'm not having it o. I'm older and more handsome than Apa. So if anybody should be chopping Madam's toto it has to be me.
The next morning, Polinus told madam he doesn't want to go to the shop, that he wants to stay at home and do the chores. Madam said; okay, no problem. An hour later, Madam was lying on the bed in her room, flipping through a magazine. She called Polinus, He came and she said; Go and bring your equipments and get started. Polinus leapt for joy, rushed out to shower, shaved, got two packs of condom, a lube and then returned to the room and said; Madam, i'm ready. Madam said; Now, clean this room and wash the toilet and bathroom.

Emu who was a houseboy usually sneaks into his Oga's room, drinks his wine and adds water to top it up. One day his Oga bought a new wine called pasties, it was a french wine that changes colour if water is added onto it. Emu unaware of this, sneaks into his Oga's room, drank the new wine and added water on it. Immediately it started changing colour.

EMU: I am in trouble, big trouble.

He ran to the kitchen.

Meanwhile, oga and madam were sitted in the parlour, while Emu was in the kitchen.

OGA: Emu

EMU: Oga

OGA: who drank my pasties?.

No answer!

OGA: Emu, who drank my pasties?.

No answer. Oga walked to the kitchen and saw Emu there.

OGA: Are you insane or what?. Why when i call, you say "Oga" but when i ask you a question you don't answer me.

EMU: Oga when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything, except your name.

OGA: Is that so?. Okay go to the parlour, stand beside madam and ask me a question while i stand here.

Emu went and did what oga said.

EMU: Ogaaaaaa

OGA: Yes Emu

EMU: Who goes into the maid's bedroom when madam is not at home?.

No answer.

EMU: Ogaaaaaa!!! You dey hear me, i say who dey sneak enter the house girl room when madam no dey house.

No answer. Oga runs out of the kitchen.

OGA: Wonders shall never end. Emu, it is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name.

MADAM: That's not true. It's a lie.

EMU: Madam, do you want to be tested?.

MADAM: Yes

EMU: Oya enter the kitchen

She enters.

EMU: Madam

MADAM: Yes Emu

EMU: Who is Junior's biological Father?. Me or Oga

Madam rushed out of the kitchen

MADAM: This kitchen needs to be fumigated o, i can't understand anything at all.

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you?. The girl replied with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”. All the
students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and said; “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?. The guy responded with a loud voice; 10k FOR ONE NIGHT THAT’S TOO MUCH o! ... All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty


LOL

££VICTOR££:
A warri tenant walked in and saw his landlord's son who was trying to commit suicide and a brief conversation ensued,

Tenant: Rukewe!!!, wetin u dey do so ?
Rukewe:, I dey try commit suicide as papa dey always complain say my life na worthless one !
Tenant: ahn ahn, dat no good nw, but y u come tie rope for waist ?
Rukewe:, Bros no be small tin o!, I bin tie rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE

LOL,

[quote author=££VICTOR££]A warri tenant walked in and saw his landlord's son who was trying to commit suicide and a brief conversation ensued,

Tenant: Rukewe!!!, wetin u dey do so ?
Rukewe:, I dey try commit suicide as papa dey always complain say my life na worthless one !
Tenant: ahn ahn, dat no good nw, but y u come tie rope for waist ?
Rukewe:, Bros no be small tin o!, I bin tie rope for neck, I NEARLY DIE

LOL,

oboy na u try pass

I cldnt stop laffin.... Ramadan mubarak ma broda jor :PI cldnt stop laffin.... Ramadan mubarak ma broda jor

dani1luv: @poster,
Apparently, with what am seeing here you are definately going to the joke section library to get links of jokes, then you copy and paste them here on your thread, deny that,,
or you want links to d jokes.?

guy stop bitching and let victoree do what he's doing. We r enjoying his copy n paste, or whatever he's doing. Where ur own?

serves u right

Happy NEW YEAR Peeps...

EEVICTOREE:
Happy NEW YEAR Peeps...

same to you.