usermane: how well do parents recognise their kids ins and outs nowadays?,how much can our friends,neighbours or evn siblings tell about us with sincere accuracy? Is how religious/nice a person is(bone of contention of discussion with Wali enough to promise a comfortable marriage...?? Not for a second.

My points exactly...We are in a society where even parents/guardians know little or next to nothing about their kids and most kids are even confused about their identities.

usermane:
Despite my excessive ranting, citing d pros and cons of both routes, i must remind u that just like i stated previously, Trad/Arranged marriages is hands d safest and most secure lane to eliminate chances of Zina and Fornication, i still however remain candid that it is not d only Islamic legal style today

No you are not ranting....It's an educative talk and i have learnt from both sides. Even though I lean more to the "modern way" of going through things I would also ensure essential articles of the Islamic way precedes it. A mixture of the good aspects of both would be very effective if followed thoroughly with good intentions..

usermane:
Islam is about Intention, about Principles, about Honour, about Moderation, about Justice and Fairness.

That's it bro. Love the way you ended it.

@usermane:

Marriage in Islam is a transfer of responsibility from the wali to the husband.

Now, if you meet a sister and you think she might fit the bill for marriage. The safest thing for you and her is to contact the guardian and discuss the important issues concerning marriage.

You are discussing with the woman with the knowledge of her wali for the purpose of marriage.

If after your discussions, you change your mind. You both separate amicably. If it clicks, you get ready for marriage.

This is not an arranged marriage.

Now, there are other ways of meeting and finding out about each other but the knowledge of the wali is still vital.

Wizeboy:

Mopping two things as in.... I didn't get you

You combining what you want in a lady and why you are still single.

deols:

funny.

I am here and that is not happening

Why not? Thought you were single. Don't tell me you don't dig the online stuff.

Abeg..oblige the brother...I don't know how to do that but i guess olawalebabs can take it from here.

mdsocks:

Why not? Thought you were single. Don't tell me you don't dig the online stuff.

Abeg..oblige the brother...I don't know how to do that but i guess olawalebabs can take it from here.

and what if I tell u that I dont dig the online stuff?

Olawalwbabs knows not to bother I am sure.

10 pages to go.

deols:

and what if I tell u that I dont dig the online stuff?

Olawalwbabs knows not to bother I am sure.

Then i had be disappointed. You never know where you can meet your chosen one.

A guy once told me he met her in a car park, another in a molue and i have heard one or two stories of those who met on nairaland. .

deols: 10 pages to go.

Is there going to be some kind of party if it gets to 100pages?

mdsocks:

Then i had be disappointed. You never know where you can meet your chosen one.

A guy once told me he met her in a car park, another in a molue and i have heard one or two stories of those who met on nairaland. .



Is there going to be some kind of party if it gets to 100pages?

By the time it reach 100 pages, we must witness at least one Walimot Nikhai from here oooo, if not then the topic it has not really achieve it aims.

I am waiting for testimony(s) by the time we are in 100 pages.

*can't wait to attend Nikhai Ceremony that this topic join together abeg*

where are the 'old termers' we started this thread together?

obviously many dont know d objective of the thread. you can go back 2 d first page to read it.

I wrote this: please read everyone.

Dealing with Zina and Shamelessness- the muslim youth

It is not uncommon to see conscious muslims fall into the trap of Zina, It usually starts from 'harmless' text messages and calls. I have heard these stories time and time again. If only we could stick to what Allah has given us. Brothers in the guise of giving a sister 'dawah' have fallen into this. Sisters in the guise of helping out a brother have also fallen. As long as it is between men and women, you can not rule out the influence of emotions and hormones no matter how good the intention was.

This piece is not to castigate but to offer hope.

Shamelessness (fashaa) is one of the major sins mentioned in the Quran. In modern times, this is one of the most common sin among muslim youth. It starts with the use of technology (text messaging, facebook etc) to pornography then to the actual act. This is a prevalent thing, it is a very serious matter.

For those deep into this, the common question is: Is there hope for me? Would Allah forgive me?... Allah commands us in the Quran not to lose hope in Him. Allah says to the believers:

Say, ‘[God says], My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful. (Surah 39:53)

In surah Furqan, Allah speaks of those who have committed shirk, injustice, Zina and murder:

those who never invoke any other deity beside God, nor take a life, which God has made sacred, except in the pursuit of justice, nor commit adultery.Whoever does these things will face the penalties: their torment will be doubled on the Day of Resurrection, and they will remain in torment, disgraced, except those who repent, believe, and do good deeds: God will change the evil deeds of such people into good ones. He is most forgiving, most merciful. People who repent and do good deeds truly return to God. (Surah 25:68-71)

Here Allah says to those who have done shirk and committed murder or Zina: If you repent, revive your faith and then engage in good actions. Allah says that he would convert their mountain of evil deeds into good deeds. All of the evil you have done will not only be wiped away but converted into good deeds, if you do three things:

i. Repent sincerely

ii. Revive your faith

iii. Continuously do good deeds

If you can do just three things, SubhanAllah.

If you can sincerely get away from this sin. Sometimes people get addicted to this. They hate themselves for their addiction but they are still addicted. The best course of action is to get away from the things that lead you to this. The environment that leads you to this.

The emotional attachment to this person is also a factor, some can't get away from it. Allah made women extremely compassionate, loving and attached. This is a strength but if it is misused, it becomes a weakness. Men prey on this emotional side of women by telling them all kinds of sweet nothings to get them hooked so that they can fulfill their desire.

The key is to get away completely from this, cut all ties, focus on learning about your religion, focus on Allah.

For the men:

The messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said that the greatest threat he feared for the men of this ummah was women. Not the threat of invading armies or weapons of mass destruction. None of these things but Women!! This is where shaytan will get you. It does not matter if you have a long beard or if you are at the mosque everyday for fajr or if you have memorised the Quran. In this one thing, you can not help yourself.

Allah talks about the people of taqwa who enter paradise in Surah Imran and one of the characteristics of these people is that whenever they did something shameless, they remembered Allah immediately:

those who remember God and implore forgiveness for their sins if they do something shameful or wrong themselves– who forgives sins but God?– and
who never knowingly persist in doing wrong. (Surah 3:135)

You looked at what you were not supposed to look at, you went where you were not supposed to go, they touched what they shouldn't have... Immediately these people do something shameless they remember Allah.

The point here is that the people of Jannah are people who do make mistakes but as soon as they fall into a trap immediately they remember Allah and sincerely seek forgiveness from Allah.

Help from an addiction of this sort can only come from Allah, no amount of knowledge can help you sometimes. We see the case of yusuf (alayhi salam), a prophet of Allah. Allah said (roughly translated:

She made for him, and he would have succumbed to her if he had not seen evidence of his Lord– We did this in order to keep evil and indecency away from him, for he was truly one of Our chosen servants. (Surah 12:24)

Joseph said, ‘My Lord! I would prefer prison to what these women are calling me to do. If You do not protect me from their treachery, I shall yield to them and do wrong,’ (Surah 12:33)

This is a prophet of Allah. He recognizes his human weakness and asks Allah for protection.. A lot of brothers live with the facade that they can control themselves... "I can have a pre-marital relationship and control myself. I am just calling her on the phone. I can handle myself". This is a weak, shallow argument that fails to recognize the nature of man himself. If you are caught in a compromising situation, do you think your good intention will hold up

Joseph (alayhi salam) can take being thrown into a well and into prison but he can not handle that. He asks Allah to protect him from that.

This is a very serious lesson.

For men caught up in this, The first thing is to acknowledge your weakness, the second is to get better company.


More to come in Part II... Insha Allah..

deols:

lol..u did catch me sha but you came quite late, you missed my come back address

I am interested in that clause of yours o. And the thing dey always hot my body in anticipation..I hate to wait jare post it fast abeg.

ma'salam to where?
wa alaykum salam

sorry about the late reply, really pressed for time dz days I get to sneak to post on NL.

if a lady were to get me to sign a monogamy pre-nup, I may include clauses like

1. barring polygamy, I now hold the prerogative of divorce i.e she can not divorce me for any other reason, but I can.

2. that she swears by the Quran not to deliberately turn my children against me to her advantage (I have observed this many times. when couples are old, the women tend to enjoy a lot having most of the children's attention. so she doesn't need to hasten this by painting a false image to our kids. monogamous men, mostly tend to get grumpy later in life, I think, I dunno.

3. that in her conduct and carriage, she must be above suspicion like Cesar's wife

okay, to be honest I don't see myself doing any pre-nup, if I can wriggle out of it. Allahu Alam.

what do you guys think about family planning in Islam.

can you decide you want 1, or 2 children. or can you choose to just adopt. I have some northerner friends who believe you should just have kids, that God will provide for them. these guys have like 4 kids today, and in fairness to them they seem happy and content. me, though I haven't done much research into this issue, but I am all for pin point planning. isn't this the kind of mentality that is aggravating the al majiri, and girl child marriage phenomena in the north. so what do you guys think. I'll appreciate your contributions.

@tbaba1234
jazakallahu khaira waiting for the second part In sha Allah

@snubish
what I think about family planning in Islam?
I think Islam is not against it because I read in one hadith that one Sahaba asked the prophet (pbuh) if Co.itus Interruptus is permissible, the prophet (pbuh) replied that he can do it but wont stop them from having a child if Allah wills. The Sahaba later informed the prophet (pbuh) that his wife got pregnant even after the precaution he took.
I also read here on Nl about a woman that gave birth to two children differently before the shortest possible time (I've forgotten the months between the two birth). It will interest you to know that the husband used condom according to the news.
Noting wrong with adopting a child too and Allah knows best

Please see the first part above.... This is the second part..

Dealing with Zina and Shamelessness- the muslim youth Part II

The desire for women is natural. It is so natural that Allah calls it natural. In Surah Imran, Allah gives a list of things that have been beautified for men.

The love of desirable things is made alluring for men– women, sons, gold and silver treasures piled up high, horses with fine markings, livestock, and farmland– these may be the utility (Mataa) of this life, but God has the best place to return to. (Surah 3: 14)

The number ONE on the list : Women.

The number one thing that was made desirable for men is women....

Look around us.. Every advert makes use of a beautiful or half-naked woman on its poster. It doesn't matter if the thing that is been advertised has nothing to do with women. It is a marketing tool employed by many companies. Women are used as objects to promote these things.

The first desire : Women

The filth industry is greater that all the technology giants combined... What do it sell?? desire of men for women... Prostitution?? same thing.... All of these come from just one thing: The obsession man has for women.

The other desires

Sons: Later on, in life you will desire to have sons

gold and silver treasures piled up high : Assets .. your wealth

horses with fine markings: A great ride... branded 'horsepower'??

livestock and farmland: Your Investments /business... Livestock in the olden days referred to your investments. The crops from farmland represent a return on your investments.

These are the things people are obsessed with today: Women, money, cars, their investments/business

Allah put these things in us. Then Allah call them the utility of worldly life... things that are meant to be used in this life and Allah has much better return.

The word mataa is used for these desires:

The word "mataa" refers to something that is to be used not neccessarily enjoyed. The ancient arab would call a brush or a broom mataa... Things we use but are really insignificant. Allah describes all of these as being that insignificant

Allah has better than this to offer and to him is the return.

So we have all these desires and Allah is telling us that He has got far better than this. These desires are there to help to imagine what the hereafter could be like. If this is so tempting here and Allah says the hereafter is far greater, then You should be far more tempted by what Allah has for you.

Only a person who truly believes in the unseen can truly appreciate this. It is a state of mind to really believe that Allah has better for you. It is easy to say but hard to internalize.

These desires have been put in us to see if your belief in better things in the next life is stronger or would you rather take this now. Allah has given us desires in this life as a test by placing limits on them.

Allah says of humans: Man was created hasty: I will show you My signs soon, so do not ask Me to hasten them. (Surah 21:37)


We love getting things immediately and we don't want to wait.

So Allah is telling us basically: I would fulfill all your desires beyond your imagination but you would have to wait. I will put restrictions and limits on your desires now. If you want it unlimited, live this restricted life. If you do, i will give you unlimited.

That is the sales pitch from Allah.

Now Shaytan tells us: Why do you have to wait? You can get this stuff right now, enjoy it... Live it up!!

We rush to things and buy the shaytan sales pitch forgetting that Allah has offered us far better.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the disbeliever.”

[Sahih Muslim, Book 42, Number 7058]

Allah also says in the Quran: The life of this world is made to seem glamorous to the disbelievers, and they laugh at those who believe. But those who guarded themselves will be above them on the Day of Resurrection: God provides immeasurably for whoever He pleases. (Surah 2:212)


This is such a beautiful ayah... Allah tells us that the life of this world has been beautified for those who disbelieve. They would make fun of the believers...

They would say: you guys are missing out on life: No parties, no alcohol, no clubbing, no girlfriends/boyfriends, no premarital intimacy etc... You give up all these stuff for some 'paradise'.

The words of Allah is so true today, they run after dunya and poke fun at those who restrain themselves.

Then Allah says : But those who guarded themselves will be above them on the Day of Resurrection:

Allah did not say those who believed, He said: those who guarded themselves,( those who had taqwa and were mindful of Allah)

So those who guarded themselves from these temptations will have the upper hand on the last day...

For those muslims who refuse to give this up. They build excuses for themselves and try to justify it. At least, they do other good deeds right?

Allah says: Truly those who earn a single sin and are surrounded by that sin will be the inhabitants of the Fire, there to remain (Surah 2:81)

Allah talks of the one who has earned just one sin and he allowed hat sin to fester...They have a bad sin, they refuse to give it up but try to justify it. He submitted to this god.

Allah says that those are the people of fire.

In Surah Jathiyah, Allah says:

Have you seen the one who takes His empty desires as an Ilah... (Ayah 23)

The one who refuses to give up that one desire until it consumes him has essentially taken it as an ilah... something to be worshipped, loved and obeyed.

Advice for those stuck in this rot:

i. Develop a relationship with the Quran IN THE SALAT>>>

[Prophet], recite what has been revealed to you of the Scripture; keep up the prayer: prayer restrains shamelessness and sinful behaviour. Remembering God is greater: God knows everything you are doing. (Surah 29:45)


If you are a person who prays and still commit these acts, it means you need to work on your Salat. You are not truly praying. build a connection in your salat.

ii. Get married: Marry for the right reasons though.

Assalamu aleikum.

(NB: Most of what is written is from more knowledgeable sources)

snubish: what do you guys think about family planning in Islam.

can you decide you want 1, or 2 children. or can you choose to just adopt. I have some northerner friends who believe you should just have kids, that God will provide for them. these guys have like 4 kids today, and in fairness to them they seem happy and content. me, though I haven't done much research into this issue, but I am all for pin point planning. isn't this the kind of mentality that is aggravating the al majiri, and girl child marriage phenomena in the north. so what do you guys think. I'll appreciate your contributions.

This is position on family planning (note the bolded):

It is not allowed to enact a general law that limits the freedom of spouses in having children.

It is forbidden to "permanently" end a man's or a woman's ability to produce children, such as by having a hysterectomy or vasectomy, as long as that is not called for by circumstances of necessity according to its Islamic framework.

It is permissible to control the timing of births with the intent of distancing the occurrences of pregnancy or to delay it for a specific amount of time, if there is some Shari'ah need for that in the opinion of the spouses, based on mutual consultation and agreement between them. However, this is conditioned by that not leading to any harm, by it being done by means that are approved in the Shari'ah and that it not do anything to oppose a current and existing pregnancy.

Read more: http://www.islamswomen.com/marriage/is_family_planning_allowed_in_islam.php

Wizeboy:

Few quality I really want in a girl that will be my wife are as follows (though I can let go of some while some are extremely important):

1. RELIGIOUS: I want a religious person that will always help me in upholding my deen (though I dont have so much passion for an Hijab Sister). A girl that always cover her hair and do it moderately without showing any part of which Almighty Allah prohibited, is alright for me.

Salam,

This is the kind of attitude that prevents sisters from putting on the hijab. What if your wife realises it is obligatory and starts putting it on?? or what if you realise it is an obligation but can't convince your wife to put it on?

Hijab is not an option... It is fard.

Personally, i can only marry a woman wearing the hijab.

thanks
for the link Tbaba, will go through it diligently.

nice post tbaba(Dealing wt zina).But walahi,u slip into some of those things before realizing.Chat medium springing up daily is a major challenge. I agree dt ur kind of company will either help u out or further sink u into these acts.May Allah grant us d iman and wisdom to stay above shaitan's ploy.
By d way,mac went AWOL or did he exchange himself wt deols.

bntY: By d way,mac went AWOL or did he exchange himself wt deols.

I wonder oooooo.

@deols, 72 hours gone, any info on bhusayor?

tbaba1234:

Salam,

This is the kind of attitude that prevents sisters from putting on the hijab. What if your wife realises it is obligatory and starts putting it on?? or what if you realise it is an obligation but can't convince your wife to put it on?

Hijab is not an option... It is fard.

Personally, i can only marry a woman wearing the hijab.

Full hijab is NOT obligatory, once woman cover her hair with corporate simple hijab and other parts of her body of which Almighty Allah ordered to be covered. What about corporate women who wear simple hijab with a suit; that is what I mean by covering of hair.

I never discourage anybody who might or want to start wearing FULL HIJAB, I just talk about what I want and not what people should do; it doesn't even make sense for anybody to change her way of life in order to satisfy a person, no matter who you are, you will always find who likes and fits you perfectly, is just a matter of time.

I always like it simple in as much as it does not affect my Islam and belief, I can't do all Sunnah (because is voluntary) I did the obligatory and select the one that suit me most out of all Sunnah.


BTW: Tbaba we are still expecting the reasons why you are still single

Maa Salam

deols: obviously many dont know d objective of the thread. you can go back 2 d first page to read it.

Seen it...I know it ain't a matchmaking thread and its not obligatory for you to follow up on anything you dont wish to.

Just wanted to be stubborn in an annoying way.

deeteeneey: I wonder oooooo.

I guess he got lots on his hands now ...

Wizeboy:


Full hijab is NOT obligatory, once woman cover her hair with corporate simple hijab and other parts of her body of which Almighty Allah ordered to be covered. What about corporate women who wear simple hijab with a suit; that is what I mean by covering of hair.

I never discourage anybody who might or want to start wearing FULL HIJAB, I just talk about what I want and not what people should do; it doesn't even make sense for anybody to change her way of life in order to satisfy a person, no matter who you are, you will always find who likes and fits you perfectly, is just a matter of time.

I always like it simple in as much as it does not affect my Islam and belief, I can't do all Sunnah (because is voluntary) I did the obligatory and select the one that suit me most out of all Sunnah.


BTW: Tbaba we are still expecting the reasons why you are still single

Maa Salam

Where did you get that from?? Not everything worn qualifies as hijab. Hijab is not just a head covering, it is the total package. I would insha Allah write a thread on that soon.

If a sister wearing a covering on her head says she does not have the courage/knowledge to wear the hijab yet, that is understandable. But to say that fulfills the requirement, then that is not accurate and should not be promoted.

I sent you a CD on surah Nur, listen to the ayat on Hijab/khimar and come back ...

Now what is obligatory as hijab is what the Quran defines.. That is the minimum requirement.

Why Tbaba is single? there isn't much to say. Id be back.

tbaba1234:

Where did you get that from?? Not everything worn qualifies as hijab. Hijab is not just a head covering, it is the total package. I would insha Allah write a thread on that soon.

If a sister wearing a covering on her head says she does not have the courage/knowledge to wear the hijab yet, that is understandable. But to say that fulfills the requirement, then that is not accurate and should not be promoted.

I sent you a CD on surah Nur, listen to the ayat on Hijab/khimar and come back ...

Now what is obligatory as hijab is what the Quran defines.. That is the minimum requirement.

Why Tbaba is single? there isn't much to say. Id be back.

Tbaba, you don't seem to understand my assertion, there is no where in my post that I said Hijab is not obligatory; what I said is that I like it simple and not the full hijab.

For you to understand my point, check the picture I posted below to see the type of simple/corporate hijab I said I like.

According to the Qur’an, the direct commandment for women to cover their hair and neck is in Surat An-Noor, ayah 31 (Chapter of the Light, verse 31).

“And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their khumur over their juyub and not expose their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, [...]” (Qur’an 24:31)

What the summary of the above verse said is that:
1. Lower their gaze
2. Guard their private parts
3. Not display their beauty and ornaments except what (ordinarily) appears thereof
4. Take their khimar (head cover) and cover their chest (and other previously exposed areas)
5. Not to display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers…etc.


_{*Waiting for your reasons for been single*}

Maybe i misunderstand you but there is nothing like full hijab and half hijab. There are different styles but you confuse me when you say full hijab.

Why i am single

I really can't point to anything. Let's just say, it is the qadr of Allah. A couple of years ago, i was interested in a sister but it didn't really take off as there was opposition from my family.Reason? She was american. So i just let it go. Currently, i am tied up with stuff so until everything settles, i won't be getting married. Let's talk in 6 months if you have wife for me ...

I have already highlighted what i look for in a wife.

tbaba1234: Why i am single

I really can't point to anything. Let's just say, it is the qadr of Allah. A couple of years ago, i was interested in a sister but it didn't really take off as there was opposition from my family.Reason? She was american. So i just let it go. Currently, i am tied up with stuff so until everything settles, i won't be getting married. Let's talk in 6 months if you have wife for me ...

I have already highlighted what i look for in a wife.

.
Assalam alaikum,
Can you highlight the list again,its hard to search 90 pages.

^This was a previous post:

tbaba1234:

My qualities in a wife: I do not think I have written about this, so here goes:

1. Religiously consciousness and willingness to learn: I am always trying to learn about Islam so I want someone with a similar drive. My hope is to raise children with the right Islamic values n deep knowledge. The resources to learn will not be a problem in shaa Allah.

2. Intelligence : someone I can have deep conversations with about a wide range of issues. Someone I can learn new things from.

3. The wedding: I intend to have a simple proper Islamic wedding and I already know there would be opposition unless opinions change. Instead of spending 5m for a huge haram wedding, I'd rather give it for my wife's Mahr or to poor struggling Muslim families. Any woman, I marry must support my stance on this issue.

There are many others but this is the top 3.

tbaba1234:

This is where shaytan will get you. It does not matter if you have a long beard or if you are at the mosque everyday for fajr or if you have memorised the Quran.

tbaba1234:

horses with fine markings: A great ride... branded 'horsepower'??

Yoruba boys we call it "eshin"(horse) in slang. the logo for ferrari is a prancing horse.