El's Super Season - Jokes Etc - Nairaland
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| El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:38am On Sep 22, 2011 |
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:41am On Sep 22, 2011 |
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:42am On Sep 22, 2011 |
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing." |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:43am On Sep 22, 2011 |
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong. |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:44am On Sep 22, 2011 |
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:46am On Sep 22, 2011 |
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40." St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!" |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:48am On Sep 22, 2011 |
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 10:50am On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]MORE ON DA WAY!  [/size] |
| Re: El's Super Season by HornyJane(f): 12:28pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
Lmao Nice Jokes More Pls |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:45pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
^^ Thanks Nwanyi Calabar! |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:46pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
Q. How's your job at the clock company? A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company? A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job on the new highway? A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. Q. How's your job at the travel agency? A. I'm going nowhere. Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company? A. It makes my head spin! Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company? A. I've had bitter jobs. Q. How's your job at the pie company? A. It didn't pan out. Q. How's your job at the balloon factory? A. We can't keep up with inflation. Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company? A. I'm making a fortune. Q. How's your job at the history book company? A. There's no future in it. Q. How's your job at the clock company? A. I'm having second thoughts about it. Q. How's your job on the farm? A. Problems keep cropping up. Q. How's your job at the sewing shop? A. Hanging on by a thread. Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? A. I have clear job objectives. |
| Re: El's Super Season by kunmibola(m): 12:49pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
Nice Jokes, Keep 'em streaming in! |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:52pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]WHAT ALCOHOL DOES TO YOU[/size] WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:55pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
kunmibola: Th[b]an[/b]ks  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:56pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]WHAT FRIENDS DO TO YOU[/size] 1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:58pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
Bin Gbagbo: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Studio Cfr: That's what I'm afraid of! |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:03pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK Unclad[/size] 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a-s-s in here by 8:00!" 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one steals your chair. |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:07pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH[/size] 10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. 9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. 8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. 7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. 6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. 5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. 4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before! 3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early. 2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. 1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:10pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery - Things you don't want to hear during surgery: - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." - Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? - Hand me that, uh, that uh, that thingy there. - Oh no! Where's my Rolex. - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? - There go the lights again? - "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em." |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:17pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]Top Ten Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies[/size] - It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. - No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. - Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:48pm On Sep 22, 2011 |
[size=18pt]SOME FOOTBALL JOKES[/size] For a minute the team were in with a good chance. But then the game started. Jesus saves. But Drogba scores off the rebound. My doctor told me I should avoid any unnecessary excitement. So I started supporting Arsenal. Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team? He took too long to put his boots on! A man arrives at a football match midway through the second half. ‘What’s the score?’ he asks. ‘Nil nil,’ is the reply. ‘Oh,’ says the man. ‘And what was the score at half-time?’ One evening Alex Ferguson’s phone rings. It’s the fire brigade telling him that Old Trafford is on fire. ‘The cups!’ shouts Ferguson. ‘Save the cups!’ ‘Don’t worry, sir,’ says the fireman. ‘The flames haven’t got to the canteen yet.’ |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 11:15am On Sep 23, 2011 |
For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him something very special! BB already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness! BB's wife decided to get "BB" tatooed on her nyansh, a "B" on each nyansh cheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, she proceeded bend over and pull her pants down, revealing her bare, tatooed a-s-s! She told "BB" to look. He looked and said, "That's great honey. . . but who the fuçk is BOB?"  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 11:20am On Sep 23, 2011 |
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk." |
| Re: El's Super Season by jackpot(f): 11:48am On Sep 23, 2011 |
I will read all these  |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 12:17pm On Sep 23, 2011 |
Jackpot accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to him, "Hey Jackie, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Jackpot answered, "but I don't think Brite would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," Jackpot finally agreed, and added, "but Brite won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Jackie thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Brite is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." |
| Re: El's Super Season by jackpot(f): 3:19pm On Sep 23, 2011 |
Let me laugh. Ha ha ha ha. Hope you're happy now?   |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 8:34am On Sep 24, 2011 |
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. "I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window." |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 8:29am On Sep 26, 2011 |
Time For Commercials |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:21pm On Sep 30, 2011 |
A man and his wife agreed on a code to use in front of their kids when they want to have s*x. The code is: "Making a call." One day the man ask his son to tell his mother, that dad wants to make a phone call. The boy returns to his dad, that mom says she is out of order. Then he ask him to tell her, that dad will go outside to make a phone call. The boy returns, that mom says, "If you do so, she will open a central telephone station in the house."! |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 1:32pm On Sep 30, 2011 |
A boy speeding on road. Guard stops him and ask, "Did you see the speed limit sign?" The boy says, "Yea, I just didnt see U." |
| Re: El's Super Season by bright007(f): 4:24pm On Sep 30, 2011 |
*wat d̶̲̥̅̊ọ̥ u call this novel u have written?Even å blindman will complain of his eye-muscles getting strained by mere glancing @ ur super story. |
| Re: El's Super Season by Nobody: 9:52pm On Sep 30, 2011 |
^ Bro the Middle finger Pls! |
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