samparian

I know of at least two of the exact same scenarios you described here.

Only in one case, the man was having an affair and in the other, the husband didnt say exactly what happened between him and his wife [she claimed there was some juju involved on his side].

now, while I'm not condoning this wife's behavior, there must be a reason why she's so vindictive and determined to show him.

did he cheat on her and is yet to seek her forgiveness. She's obviously holding something against him unless you want to say she has a mental problem.

I can't imagine how any right thinking man or woman would say a woman can do ANYTHING to a man without getting something in return. I don't support violence in any anyway but I think it's more sensible to say men and women must respect each others' feelings. This is one secret that many individuals and human rights groups are yet to realise. Domestic violence persists - even in countries where there are stringent laws against it - because we're tackling it lopsidedly. It takes two to tango. You can't keep giving a woman the impression that she's free to do anything to her husband (after all, he can't do anything to her) and expect that peace will reign in homes. It's sheer lunatic fantasy. As we talk to the men, let's talk to the women. As you train your boys to respect girls/women, train your girls that respect is reciprocal! Let me make this very clear. Until we are balanced in our approach to relationship conflicts, domestic violence will continue - either from women to men or men to women.

Every rational person knows that the success or failure of a partnership depends on the efforts of the people involved. Marriage is a form of partnership and both partners have their roles in making it blissful or sorrowful. Unfortunately, when a woman tells stories of her husband’s ill treatments, no one bothers to find out the other side of the story. I’ve never fought with a woman and I do not support wife-beaters in any way but I’m sure most of the cases of wife battery we’ve heard of would have been averted if the victims had been more tactful and prudent in their relationship with their husbands. Those who campaign against domestic violence always come up with the typical story of a dutiful, gentle and responsible woman who happens to be unfortunate enough to marry a brutal husband. But the question is, is this always the true picture? Do these people know that some of these “abusive” husbands are men who early in life had sworn never to bark at a woman let alone fighting her? Do they realise that it is possible for a bitchy woman to frustrate a gentleman, so much that he becomes provoked and defensive?

Once again, I’m not advocating or justifying violence in any way but I think marriages will fare better if we preach mutual respect instead of increasing punitive laws for potential offenders. The irrationality of the one-sided method will be better understood with this illustration. Imagine two people fighting – one stronger and wielding a hatchet; the other weaker and wielding a table knife. Sentiment and pity demand that the stronger one is subdued and blamed; but logic demands that while the stronger one is subdued, the seemingly weaker one is also restrained from using the knife to inflict provocative injuries. What sense does it make when the stronger is subdued and the weaker is left uncontrolled?

This is where most people miss it today and this is a major reason why violence persists in families. What do you expect when you give a woman the impression that the law gags and forbids her husband from hurting her but does nothing to restrain her from hurting him? Shouldn’t we be more balanced in our approach? Or are we blindly assuming that the “weaker sex” is too innocent to inflict harm? Shouldn’t we counsel the women on controlling their temper and tongue even as we forbid the men from being aggressive?

   
When sob stories of husbands’ aggression are told, the women involved carefully do it in such a way that they exonerate themselves of any blame and instead try to get sympathy and empathy. That is where the stories often end and that is where the activists pick it up from. No one hears the other side of the story where the husband did everything possible to avoid violence but the woman would not relent in wounding his emotions and challenging him to a duel. No one bothers about the husband who tried to escape from the house to avoid a confrontation but whose troublesome wife grabbed the shirt and told him to be ready for battle if her demands (even if unreasonable) are not met.

Now, the bombshell. Sentimentalists would not like to hear this but it happens. There are women who inflict injuries on themselves to cover up their own misdeeds. I wouldn’t be saying this if I had no proof. Recently, a girl was forced to expose the evil deeds of her mother to the police when she could no longer bear the injustice being meted out to her innocent father. The woman was loud and lousy; she was aggressive and abusive but nobody knew except the man who was the victim and their teenage daughter. Each time they had an argument, the woman would hurl all sorts of dangerous objects at the man, kick him and end up boasting that if he dared touch her, she would injure herself and call the police. Scared and seeming incapacitated, the man continued to bear the agony until one day, when he was forced to retaliate. There was a fight between the two but the man was careful not to injure her. Feeling subdued and humiliated, the woman slashed her wrist with a knife and thereafter called the police. The man’s explanations fell on deaf ears and he was jailed for wife-battery. But the young daughter who had witnessed the whole incident had to call the police secretly and told them the truth.

Now, what would have happened if the girl was not present? Of course the innocent man would be suffering behind bars while the guilty woman would be enjoying superfluous attention, care and sympathy from the public.

Even in the case of irresponsible husbands, I think teaching women to use the right approach in dealing with these men will be more effective than encouraging them (the women) to be saucy and confrontational. For heaven’s sake, a man who is already drunk is in an abnormal, semi-beastly state. What sensible woman would confront him at such a time with taunts and insults and expect peaceful dialogue? Yet this is what some women do and later claim to have been abused. Discretion will help solve many family problems!
Many people advocate stricter punishments for perpetrators of domestic violence. This is good, but how far can it help? In countries where severe laws are being enforced, has the situation really improved? We might say yes but has it brought the expected solution - with the alarming rate of divorce, frustrated husbands committing suicides and marriages becoming a concentration camp for some and a lucrative business for others?
What then? Should the laws against domestic violence be abrogated? Should campaigners stop their agitations? Should men beat up their wives because they are provoked? Not at all. Let the laws remain but let them apply to both the men and the women. Let the campaigners continue but let them be more balanced and realistic in their approach. Let the men and the women be more respectful, discreet, temperate, thoughtful and considerate in their relationships. Let the society have a better understanding of the reasons, ramifications and remedies of domestic violence. Let cases of domestic violence be thoroughly investigated without sentiments or bias. This way, incidences of domestic violence will be minimized and the few remaining brutes can be taught valuable lessons behind bars!

gen2genius:




   


Now, the bombshell. Sentimentalists would not like to hear this but it happens. There are women who inflict injuries on themselves to cover up their own misdeeds. I wouldn’t be saying this if I had no proof. Recently, a girl was forced to expose the evil deeds of her mother to the police when she could no longer bear the injustice being meted out to her innocent father. The woman was loud and lousy; she was aggressive and abusive but nobody knew except the man who was the victim and their teenage daughter. Each time they had an argument, the woman would hurl all sorts of dangerous objects at the man, kick him and end up boasting that if he dared touch her, she would injure herself and call the police. Scared and seeming incapacitated, the man continued to bear the agony until one day, when he was forced to retaliate. There was a fight between the two but the man was careful not to injure her. Feeling subdued and humiliated, the woman slashed her wrist with a knife and thereafter called the police. The man’s explanations fell on deaf ears and he was jailed for wife-battery. But the young daughter who had witnessed the whole incident had to call the police secretly and told them the truth.

Now, what would have happened if the girl was not present? Of course the innocent man would be suffering behind bars while the guilty woman would be enjoying superfluous attention, care and sympathy from the public.

now, what makes you think so-called "sentimentalists" are unaware this happens?

Yes, some women harm themselves in order to get the husband in trouble. This happens with both naija and non-naija females. Likewise males have been known to cook up lies about the wife who is no longer in his good books for whatever reason. There are kids who also witnessed their dad plotting against their mother but being in Nigeria, couldnt do anything about it.


What many of you prefer to ignore is the fact that there are warning signs in every relationship. If your marriage has gotten to the stage where its irretrievably broken and any interaction damages you both, do you want to say it all happened out of the blue. The women suddenly went crazy for no reason and decided to destroy both herself and the "innocent" guy, right?

Or its all the wife's fault (naija mentality), and she did so many things wrong that the husband had no choice but "deal with her". If the police now get involved then of course its still that very wicked witch he married who was sent by her sea husband and the underwater world, to destroy him.

On this nairaland alone see the number of so called males posting very stupid things about the opposite sex. Not once or twice, but constantly. When the females respond then you all start yelling stereotype and male ego but you were cheering and egging on the mysogynists posting all kinds of trash in the name of free speech. Assuming such people are even a minority and underclass which is what they are in civilized societies, that's a different matter. But when you have a majority rejoicing in the kind of criminality I'm seeing here, then dont whine at the backlash.

No smoke without fire. Dont push a normal woman into destroy mode. The naija males abroad married to foreign women know their limits and they also know what they see should the wife decide to deal with them. Stop pushing your luck.

" No smoke without fire. Dont push a normal woman into destroy mode."


I wonder why people still keep looking at this issue from a subjective perspective. Let's push sentiments and political correctness aside. Same should apply to both parties. Don't push a normal woman or man into destroy mode. Simple

gen2genius:

" No smoke without fire. Dont push a normal woman into destroy mode."


I wonder why people still keep looking at this issue from a subjective perspective. Let's push sentiments and political correctness aside. Same should apply to both parties. Don't push a normal woman or man into destroy mode. Simple

Dont push a normal woman into destroy mode by constantly belittling and derogating her simply because you feel women are inferior to men. Your feelings or the way you were raised, shouldnt supercede your common sense.

I've already given instances of how males keep doing that right here on NL.

You're really complicating issues, dear. Why are you being so biased instead of being balanced in your analysis of issues? Which is more rational - to suggest that men and women respect each other or to opine that men respect women? You keep portraying men as devils and women as angels. Is that objective enough? Every rational person knows that there are beastly men and there are bitchy women. And the ratio is 50:50. Nothing will work until we admit this fact and approach the anomalies in our relationships in an OBJECTIVE way. I repeat: men and women must learn to give each other due respect! If you lack it, don't expect it!

gen2genius:

You're really complicating issues, dear. Why are you being so biased instead of being balanced in your analysis of issues? Which is more rational - to suggest that men and women respect each other or to opine that men respect women? You keep portraying men as devils and women as angels. Is that objective enough? Every rational person knows that there are beastly men and there are bitchy women. And the ratio is 50:50. Nothing will work until we admit this fact and approach the anomalies in our relationships in an OBJECTIVE way. I repeat: men and women must learn to give each other due respect! If you lack it, don't expect it!

hellooo

and I'm telling you there's no saint and no sinner in 95% of marriage dysfunction cases.

In Nigeria, the tendency is to automatically heap all the blame on the woman and exonerate the man. To me, that's absolute rubbish.

The example you gave was of a woman who intentionally hurt herself and the man was saved by his daughter. that alone shows where you're headed to and where your bias lies.

Simple fact: I dont buy the rigmarole. True, there are women who beat up their husbands, and there are women who intentionally damage a man. However, for each of such cases, you'll find at least ten more where the opposite is the case. Ask any law enforcement officer or legal beagle in a civilized society.

In countries where the law protects the already overprotected male rather than the female, a lot goes on which never sees the light of day talkless get prosecuted. However, they get their payback in other ways such as general overall destabilization and lack of progress.

You have your opinion and I have mine. You protect your interests but dont tell me not to look out for myself in a culture that tries to minimize my doing so.

"Ask any law enforcement officer or legal beagle in a civilized society."


That's one of the most defective yardstick anyone could consider in determining incidence of abuse among couples. Most women are natural talkers, and when they do they want you to empathise with them. How many men report spousal abuse to law enforcement agencies? How many were not disbelieved and humiliated?

In Nigeria, the tendency is to automatically heap all the blame on the woman and exonerate the man

What proof(s) do you have to validate this?

In countries where the law protects the already overprotected male rather than the female a lot goes on which never sees the light of day talkless get prosecuted

Countries like? And let's assume you're right. In countries where the reverse happens, is it not the same result you get? Women capitalising on the provisions of the law to perpetrate evil?

Finally, I have no "interests" to protect. Only insecure people blabber about victimisation. A woman rightly said, "no one can regard you as inferior without your consent." So, I don't see myself as an underdog or an endangered species. All I'm saying is both men and women are prone to spousal abuse, one way or the other. And what we all should be advocating is mutual love and respect, not selfish interests.

gen2genius:

"Ask any law enforcement officer or legal beagle in a civilized society."


That's one of the most defective yardstick anyone could consider in determining incidence of abuse among couples. Most women are natural talkers, and when they do they want you to empathise with them. How many men report spousal abuse to law enforcement agencies? How many were not disbelieved and humiliated?

In Nigeria, the tendency is to automatically heap all the blame on the woman and exonerate the man

What proof(s) do you have to validate this?

In countries where the law protects the already overprotected male rather than the female a lot goes on which never sees the light of day talkless get prosecuted

Countries like? And let's assume you're right. In countries where the reverse happens, is it not the same result you get? Women capitalising on the provisions of the law to perpetrate evil?

Finally, I have no "interests" to protect. Only insecure people blabber about victimisation. A woman rightly said, "no one can regard you as inferior without your consent." So, I don't see myself as an underdog or an endangered species. All I'm saying is both men and women are prone to spousal abuse, one way or the other. And what we all should be advocating is mutual love and respect, not selfish interests.

like I said, you stick to your opinion and I'll stick to mine.

However, lets keep it simple and agree on one thing:

this topic is about men beating their wives. 

Men are more likely to consider wife beating normal [s]and the only way to "handle" a "bitchy" woman[/s] if that's what they grew up seeing.

In Nigeria, men are allowed to beat up their wives with no consequences.





Do you also want to argue with these basic facts? Though I dont know if you're Nigerian but you sound like it.

First, I do not agree with you that men are more likely to be abusive. Since you seem to appreciate the way things are done in "civilised" countries more than Nigeria, then here's something from there that might interest you. (Transcripts of one of Oprah Winfrey's shows)

Monday's Show: Wives Who Abuse Their Husbands

Different Roles, Same Story

When you hear the term "domestic violence" you're likely to picture a woman, battered and abused at the hands of an angry and unreasonable husband or boyfriend. But that's only one side of this ugly picture. According to the latest studies, 835,000 men are attacked each year by their girlfriends or wives, and the true figure may actually be higher. On Monday, Oprah talked to the men and women who occupy these different roles in the drama of domestic violence.

Take it Like a Man

The stories we heard from abused men are no less horrifying than those told by women. They were kicked, hit, stabbed, pushed down stairs and through plate glass doors. Like their female counterparts, the men often covered up for their wives, lying to doctors and authorities about the true cause of their injuries. As one man said, "I'm supposed to take it like a man." That often means not fighting back, not only because all the men on this show said they were raised not to hit women, but also because many police departments automatically consider the man the aggressor in cases of domestic abuse. Even when the woman is at fault.

The Cycle of Abuse

Likewise, abusive women sound very much like husbands who beat their wives. Lisa said the first time she battered her husband, "I beat the hell out of him… he walked away with bruises. I was so ashamed of myself. It's not that I didn't love him, it's that I didn't know how to react any other way… I know he's not going to do anything." Afterward, they apologize, they make up, and eventually, the cycle begins again.

Shut Up… And Listen

Claudia Dias has counseled abusive men and women for over twenty years. She criticizes the different ways domestic violence against men and women is viewed. "When a man hits a woman, it's abuse and felony. When she does it, it's because she has a bad temper." Claudia describes the cycles of domestic abuse as "a dance… it doesn't matter which gender does which part." The major difference, she says, is that men hit women to "make them shut up" whereas women hit men in order to "make them listen."

Walking on Eggshells

Rick kept his wife's abuse secret for 21 years before finally leaving her. At one point he was forced to defend himself with Mace. When the police were finally called, Rick was the one arrested. "I felt betrayed by the system… by the courts… and by my wife." Today, Rick has temporary custody of his children after his wife, angry because he returned them a few minutes late from a visitation, rammed his car with her vehicle while the children were still in it. Stephanie, their 14-year-old daughter, says her mother would often rage at the children as well, and that life at home was like "walking on eggshells"

Changing Your Children

By witnessing their parents' battles, children grow up believing that a normal family life is one defined by a cycle of fear, violence and tearful apologies. In turn, that begins another cycle, one that passes the legacy violence down from parent to child. As Oprah told Lisa, who believed her children were "very well adjusted" despite the violence they'd witnessed from her, "There's no question that when you argue in front of children, you change their self-esteem… in way that you will never know and they can't tell you." Obviously, both parents can be part of the problem in cases
of domestic violence. And both can also be part of the solution.

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And as for the other point you raised that men are allowed to beat up their wives with no consequences, first, you are merely speculating because you have no credible proofs. Secondly, even if you're right, it means the reverse is also true. Abi how many women in Nigeria have been jailed for hitting their husbands. And does it nullify the fact that it happens everyday?

like i said, stick to your opinion and I'll stick to mine.

I quoted law enforcement while you quoted Oprah.

typical.

Another way of saying "touche"?

Have a pleasant day, sweetie

it's simple, U LEAVE!

Navi613:

it's simple, U LEAVE!

if only it was that easy as those 5 words L.E.A.V.E

@Sissy
I know is not easy i hate woman beater, until women start leaving these men there will never be an end to it. The men abuse a woman and she just puts up with it time and time again (for a whole host of reasons), so they continue.

In terms of the cause, so many things can be the reason a man becomes abusive in a relationship. Insecurity, controlling issues and the saddest one of all a history of abuse himself. That's the awful thing about abuse, it often turns into a viscious circle.

me too i wish they could just say enough! and walkout but as you know its quite complicated and sadly enough many pay with their dear lives

My husband once tried to 'discipline' me with a belt, in return I tried to 'discipline' him with a knife, and told him from then on he must sleep with his one eye open and eat his food like it's the last meal he's ever going to get, none of that 'disciplining' ever happened again

long before a woman is physically beaten, she's already been beaten mentally and financially so that she feels there's no where else to go,

^^ OMG, LOLLLLL.u r a clown

men who beats their wives do not love them at all. no reason is good enuf for the act. women ar emotional and act on impulse but quickly realise their mistakes over time. men should learn to realize this

wrong

Husbands who beat up their wives are weak and animal likes......simple!

greatgod2012: Husbands who beat up their wives are weak and animal likes......simple!

They 're not only weak, infact they are incomplete.

Freiburger:
They 're not only weak, infact they are incomplete.

thank you jare.
God bless you!