Hey guys. Thot it was about time we kinda dissed each other. So if u got any gender jokes, dont hesitate to post it here. And u can side which ever side u want to, irrespective of gender.

For starters, thot i shud share why men/women behave the way the do: The structure of their control center (the brain) which differentiates us from other animals. Here goes:

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring beer.

Man: A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man

Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)

Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)

Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:

a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.

b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.

c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).

d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.

e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore, zzzzz).

f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.

g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

i) Ore damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.

j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

Chemical properties:

a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.

b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.

c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.

d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.

e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects which tend to turn the specimen bright red.

f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.

h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.

i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.

j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:

a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

b) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo,

c) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:

a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:

a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.

Understanding Women


At long last, The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you slowpoke!

You’re , so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper,

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?"

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

TOP TEN WOMEN DRIVERS


THE 10TH POSITION GOES TO

9th Position Goes To:

8th Position Goes To:

7th Position Goes To

6th Position Goes To:

5th Position Goes To:

The 4th Position Goes To:

And the Bronze Goes to:

The Silver is clinched by:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Winner is:

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, "Arthur proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied,
"Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Women Oh Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good,


Male readers: Please scroll down

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

The Erogenous Zones

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I'll take a woman out to a lovely dinner when we finish eating, i'll whisper those three words she has been dying to hear, "PAY THE BIL"

[quote author=Ninjabyte]HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.

....who will be dis romeo