Me Tarzan, You Jane,


One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrels."



,



Are my testicles black?
A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"

One day one old man dey sit outside him house dey smoke pipe . him come see one small boy dey stroll pass him house with fishing reel , na him the man come ask the boy "come ol boy, where you dey go with that reel", and the boy answered "i wan go catch fish for the river", and the old man laughed saying "see this mumu pikin oh, how you go catch fish wen you no carry bait" and the boy went on. Later the boy passed back with a bucket full of fishes and the old man was surprised.

The next day the old man still come sit outside him house dey receive breeze when the same boy been dey pass with duck tape for him hand and the old man ask am "see, boy, wetin you wan go do with that duck tape?" and the boy answered "i wan use am go catch duck for that swamp for front" and the man laughed at the boy saying "you this boy you dey craze oh, how you go wan use tape catch duck" well the boy went ahead. later the boy passed by with a cage full of ducks and the old man was speechless.

The very next day that same boy was passing by again and the old man saw him dragging a long chicken wire and the man asked him "come oh, wetin you wan use that wire do?" and the boy answered "ahh papa, i wan use am go catch fowl for that bush near market" and the old man said "how you go wan use wire catch fowl, ur head correct at all" and the boy still went ahead ignoring the old man. later the boy was pasing by the old mans house dragging the wire full of chicken which were trapped around it, the old man was just flabbergasted.

The very next day, the old man was again sitting outside his house when that boy was passing by holding a bunch of P.U, SS.Y willow plants and the old man shouted "ol boy, my small friend, abeg cool down make i enter inside go wear shirt follow you e hear"

Elephant

A man walks into the doctors surgery, he can't even sit down. The doctor asks "What’s the problem with you today? You seem to be in a lot of pain".
The man says he has an embarrassing thing to show him. The doctor explains that he has seen everything possible in his years as a doctor, therefore nothing will shock him.
So the man proceeds to drop his trousers and bend over. The doctor gasps and says "What on earth happened to you?!! You have a massive hole in your bottom". The man explained that he had just been on holiday in Africa. "I was raped by a male elephant" said the man.
At this point the doctor said, if this were true you wouldn’t be as damaged as that because the penis on a male elephant isn’t that large.
At this point the man said "Yes I know that, but he fingered me first"





Farmer Giles

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer Giles finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.

After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member.

In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Monkey Business


A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had trouble to SHYTE that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Terrible,
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.


"HEBREWS"

Honeymoon Horrors!


A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess, Small Cox?"

nice

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with KEGS like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

One way to get your point across


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful , CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.

Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful , CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

"Use the salt. Use The Salt! USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

Performance issues?


After several years of married life, a man is disappointed to learn that he is unable to perform sexually. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor him him that it is all in his mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and instantly gets a great erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

Proof men are better friends than women



Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

thank you its really nice sharing, thanks to share wtih us
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S, e.x in the dark


There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stewpid.

She figured she would break him out of the crayzy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a Love Machine. She gets completely upset.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the Love Machine if you explain the kids!"

Strange noises in the night


A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"
"It's OK." replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking furiously on his fathers p.ri.ck.
"DAD!" he shouted "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan." his dad replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

The Sergeant Major


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only [b]2130 [/b]now."

Why yelling at a man doesn't work



What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah,blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

hahahha
nice jokes mate =)
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Some cool jokes.

THANK YOU . THANK YOU EVERYONE . I'll BE HERE ALL WEEK

B U M P

Bump

Nice one bro...