Estate agent to young house-hunting couple:

First you tell me what you can afford. Then we'll have a good laugh about it and go on from there.

Mummy, Mummy! Where are you? cried the little boy on the promenade.

You poor little boy, said an elderly lady. Come with me and I'll get you an ice cream and then we'll go and look for your mummy.

I know where your mummy is, said a small girl.

Shush! whispered the little boy. I know where she is, too, but I've managed to get two free ice creams this morning, and I want a third!

The young man walked into the pet shop and asked if he could buy 387
beetles, 18 rats and five mice.

I'm sorry, sir, but we can only supply the mice. But what did you want all the other creatures for? asked the pet shop manager.

I was thrown out of my flat this morning, replied the young man. And my landlord says I must leave the place exactly as I found it.

lmao nice jokes

Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot, after month of hard work, to tell jokes.

At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down to his pub.

This is my incredible joke-telling parrot, boasted Fred.

Go on , jeered the pub regulars. We'll give you ten to one that your parrot can't tell us a joke.

All right, replied Fred. I accept your bet.

But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk  let alone tell jokes.

On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: What do you mean by keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!

Don't worry! squawked the parrot. Tomorrow youll be able to get fifty to one.

Thanks Mukina

Wey u dey since. after una people don fall, u just hide.

_{even heard u were deleting posts}

lol . i was online jo , i didnt go anywhere

[size=3pt] i was only deleting insults[/size] o not teasing o

Hilary: You're the first man I've ever said yes to. In fact, I've said no to lots and lots of men.


Herbert: What were they selling?

Chei yaaaa

Some guys just dont know hw to speak. Its good ur now a MOD so that u can clean some rubbish.

i am trying

The police car, its siren blaring, raced in front of a speeding car and forced it to stop.

A heavily built policeman got out and walked over.

You name, please? asked the policeman, taking out his notebook and pen.

Certainly, officer, replied the driver. It's Horatio Xerxes Laertes Idomeneus Aeneas Asclepius Iphicles Menoeceus Memnon Philoctetes Tyndareus Hylas.

The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his notebook, shook his head and said: I'lll just give you a warning this time  don't break the speed limit again.

Keep trying my sister

And make sure you take a long break cos u might be sweating after u meet with Liverpool

hahaha thanks Bro

Liverpool can't do nothing to us jo we shall show them chinese pepper


ppsssst who be d peopple for ur Siggy ?

Well they are my employees.

Somebody gotta type when i'm away

Get up, shouted Albert's mother. You'll be late for school.

But I don't want to go, protested Albert. All the kids are horrible, the teachers are terrible, and it's all extremely boring. I want to stay home.

But, replied Albert's mother, you're forty-three and the headmaster of the school.

Teacher: Mavis, can you tell me which month is the shortest?

Mavis: It's May, miss.

Teacher: No, it isn't. The shortest month is February.

Mavis: But, miss, February has eight letters in it while May only has three!

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy.

He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"NO, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease?, "

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's elder sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says you should go ahead and give him a kiss, Or I can do it for you Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the INTERCOM button it is waking up everyone in the house!"

President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender,"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big breasts."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.

Bulgaria was the only soccer team in the 1994World Cup in which all 11 players' last names ended with the letters"OV."

Of the four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, all named after artists and/or sculptors, Donatello does not occur in the same time period as Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael.

Abdul Kassem Ismael, Grand Vizier of Persiain the tenth century, carried his library with him wherever he went.The 117,000 volumes were carried by 400 camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

The country with the biggest percentage of female heads of household is Botswana.

In every deck of cards the King of Hearts is sticking his sword through his head. That's why he's often called the Suicide King.

In English, "four" is the only digit that has the same number of letters as its value.

Mickey Mouse's ears are always turned to the front, no matter which direction his head is pointing.

Since World War II, every American president to address the Canadian House of Commons in their firstterm of office have all been re-elected to a second term. Eisenhower, Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton have all had the honour, whileKennedy, Johnson, Ford, Carter, and Bush did not address the parliament.

The proceedings in the British Parliament are meant to be in private, even though they are now televised.
So, if the MPs want to have a secret session, one of them points to the gallery from which the public watch, and calls "I spy strangers!", whereupon the House votes "that the strangers do withdraw."

In British Monopoly sets, the most expensive property (Mayfair) is not a street, but a district of little streets near Hyde Park.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.


You would have to count to one thousand to use the letter "A" in the English language to spell a whole number



Ants cannot chew their food, they move their jaws sidewards, like a scissor, to extract the juices from the food.


The letters H I O X in the Latin alphabet is the only ones that look the same if you turn them upside down or see them from behind.


The metal part of a lamp that surrounds the bulb and supports the shade is called a harp.

nice collection

thanks

A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

The most sensitive finger is the forefinger.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple.

A peanut is not a nut; it is a legume.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

"Evian" spelled backvards is naive.

"Bookkeeper" and "bookkeeping" are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters

i love the last joke

thank u bro

keep it coming men

The phrase "sleep tight" originated when mattresses were set upon ropes woven through the bed frame. To remedy sagging ropes, one would use a bed key to tighten the rope.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of carbon dioxide poisoning first before you will die of oxygen deprivation.

A full moon always rises at sunset.

Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama.

Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

Alma mater means bountiful mother.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike.

Libya is the only country in the world with a solid, single-colored flag -- it's green.

Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the capital" in the Korean language.

"Freelance" comes from a knight whose lance was free for hire, i.e. not pledged to one master.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Elizabeth I of England suffered from anthophobia, a fear of roses.

Dalmatian dogs are born pure white, they don't start getting spots until they are three or four days old.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

An elephant can be pregnant for up to two years.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."