It's so funny how a Nigerian man will talk about 50/50 as criteria to respect your spouse. I tire. How many of these same men come here and criticize imported wives that come here and refuse to hand over paychecks to their husbands. Should those wives then start sending the earned income in the home to their families back home as they choose because they came here and are now earning more than their husbands? Somethings will never change.


OP my suggestion is that you focus on your family. Especially your son. I encourage you to work hard. If I lived nearby I would babysit him so you could try to work more outside the home You really need to take your focus off this woman. Your husband has already said he does not want long visits anymore (though that is next to impossible). Also maybe as she keeps coming things will change. Your husband needs to be the one setting the tone. You have a lot to do that you really should not have time to cry over this woman. The kids are getting older so it is time for you to focus on your career and yourself

^Well said!

@mpmp, are you trying to give OP and by extension the rest of us migraines?

@ maclatunji. You made me laugh with your comments. I need to chill out

Ujujoan:

@ Debosky

Whatever she did, she did for her husband, a man she supposedly loves . . . .  That does not 'buy' her MIL's approval of her. She doesn't want her son married to a foregner . .  . . .  period! I mean, how hard is that for you to understand. Trying to insinuate that she did the guy a favour by marrying him is jusy plain unreasonable.

If she doesn’t want her son married to a foreigner she should not benefit from anything that comes from that foreigner - that is the honourable thing to do. If you want to accept her money you have to accept her too - anything else is greed.

I’m not saying she did him a favour, but if the MIL doesn’t appreciate her sacrifices she should simply stay away and not add her own burdens to the relationship.

Nobody 'forced' her to do anything and she certainly didn't do it out of the goodness of her heart! I mean her marriage to this guys reeks of desperation and for all we know, he could be the one doing her the favour!

An illegal immigrant doing her a favour? Really? She moved country and left her family for this guy and he’s doing her a favour? H-okay!

And yes, he own family is worse, they cant even stand the idea of him being their in law that they had to disown their daughter! What is that? Are they too good for him? A mere Nigerian?

Her family is not worse - they are not asking for money while refusing to accept the man. They are not imposing themselves as a burden. If an able-bodied MIL cannot even be arsed to take care of her grandkids for ONE HOUR what use is she apart from being a drainpipe?

She didnt say she contributes to what is being used to cater for her in-laws, it's the husband's money all through.

How did the husband become able to work? An illegal immigrant who only got papers through her? As far as I’m concerned it is ALL her money sef!

My opinion is that, as far as he provides for the family, without necessarily indulging in excesses, he's free to spend his money however he deems fit!

It is not his money - she is working part time to take care of THEIR kids, so she MUST have a full say in how THEIR money is spent.

Why do some women use kids as weapons

debosky:

If she doesn’t want her son married to a foreigner she should not benefit from anything that comes from that foreigner - that is the honourable thing to do. If you want to accept her money you have to accept her too - anything else is greed.

I’m not saying she did him a favour, but if the MIL doesn’t appreciate her sacrifices she should simply stay away and not add her own burdens to the relationship.

An illegal immigrant doing her a favour? Really? She moved country and left her family for this guy and he’s doing her a favour? H-okay!

Her family is not worse - they are not asking for money while refusing to accept the man. They are not imposing themselves as a burden. If an able-bodied MIL cannot even be arsed to take care of her grandkids for ONE HOUR what use is she apart from being a drainpipe?

How did the husband become able to work? An illegal immigrant who only got papers through her? As far as I’m concerned it is ALL her money sef!

It is not his money - she is working part time to take care of THEIR kids, so she MUST have a full say in how THEIR money is spent.

I guess you've been away from the country for so long that you are beginning to think like a foreigner. Maybe I should remind you that taking care of ones parents is part of his responsibilities! If one sibling is better off, he automatically takes up the responsibility for the others . . . at least as long as he can! We do this everyday in Nigeria without having to explain ourselves to some disgruntled spouse.

Just because he married a foreigner doesn't make him exempt! His immidiate family comes first, but his family back home is also important.

So she the poster was so kind that she married an illegal immigrant and ran off from home, just to be able to provide him with all his needs Somehow I dont buy that!

Just because he got his papers thorugh her doesnt mean he couldn't have gotten it through another means. Like Isaid earleir, I dont agree that the sacrifices we make for our partners 'paid' for. She did it for her husband. MIL doesn't have to like her for it. simple!



I know lots of onyinbos who will be too glad to marry Nigerians and these guys know these and capitalize on it! So she fell victim . . . her fault, not her MIL's.

@mmpm, you don kill me this morning oh with your illustrated tales by moonlight!

Imagine her saying her MIL used black magic on her! Men that marry foreign wives like this are only punishing themselves and their families. See how Naija women plenty for ground and all your greedy Yoruba-Yoruba eyes can see is oyinbo nyansh? See, God don catch una, now you're going to have to become the referee when your wife and mother begin to royal rumble.

Olorun gba wa lowo ogun obinrin ajeji oh!

Kardava

Enjoy your marriage, do me a favor, go give your husband some loving. A problem shared in bed is half solved

Ujujoan:

I guess you've been away from the country for so long that you are beginning to think like a foreigner.

I am posting from my Onitsha base as we speak. . .

Maybe I should remind you that taking care of ones parents is part of his responsibilities! If one sibling is better off, he automatically takes up the responsibility for the others . . .  at least as long as he can! We do this everyday in Nigeria without having to explain ourselves to some disgruntled spouse.

Who is debating taking care of parents? That I am responsible for taking care of parents does not give any parent the right to treat my wife or kids with contempt, or for me to be foolish and neglect my family (by not saving for a rainy day) just to please some folk somewhere else.

Secondly, taking care of parents ONLY comes in when you can take care of your immediate responsibilities. Responsible parents don’t even want to be a burden on their kids even in Nigeria, so what’s all this talk as if parents can’t support themselves?

Just because he married a foreigner doesn't make him exempt! His immidiate family comes first, but his family back home is also important.

We agree on that.

So she the poster was so kind that she married an illegal immigrant and ran off from home, just to be able to provide him with all his needs Somehow I dont  buy that!  

You’re free not to buy it - if he didn’t have papers he’d still be hiding from immigration. Yet mama wants to spend money anyhow and ignore her grandkids. Ungrateful people.

Just because he got his papers thorugh her doesnt mean he couldn't have gotten it through another means. Like Isaid earleir, I dont agree that the sacrifices we make for our partners 'paid' for. She did it for her husband. MIL doesn't have to like her for it. simple!

The fact remains that if she didn’t give the son papers he’d probably be somewhere in Belgium still piling up debts. . . or worse deported back to Nigeria. If she doesn’t like the girl, don’t like the money her papers bring either. It’s simple too.

Shameless MIL calling to ask for price of perfume instead of asking about grandkids.  God forbid bad thing! Because the MIL's own MIL probably treated her like a slave doesn't make it right to treat this lady the same way.

debosky:

I am posting from my Onitsha base as we speak. . .

posting from onitsha does not prove you acting too westernized than the people from the west.

Who is debating taking care of parents? That I am responsible for taking care of parents does not give any parent the right to treat my wife or kids with contempt, or for me to be foolish and neglect my family (by not saving for a rainy day) just to please some folk somewhere else.

you have a duty to take care of your parents.
they did not stop taking care of you @ 16 or 18 when you became an adult. . . . . . .the money they should have saved to take care of themselves now was spent training you in the abakaliki polytechnic you attended. think about the long ASUU strikes, students' riots, etc. you ate their food, stayed in their houses without paying rents, bills, etc. you even drove their cars, bashed it and they still repaired it for your personal use.
how ungrateful can you be?

Secondly, taking care of parents ONLY comes in when you can take care of your immediate responsibilities. Responsible parents don’t even want to be a burden on their kids even in Nigeria, so what’s all this talk as if parents can’t support themselves?

most parents cannot.
their gratuity/pension is nothing to write home about. majority of these parents struggle to take care of themselves and the kids they had trained for more than 25 years are starting to act ana[i]l[/i] because they were lucky to taste the western life. . . .these parents took care or started taking care of dependent relatives as young as their early 20s. . . . .so you have got no excuse.

woe betide any woman that discourages me from taking care of my parents!

I disagree completely with Debosky here.

1. A foreigner can be the one benefitting from an illegal immigrant yes. If the girl happens to be a trailer trash living in Salvation Army home and gets married to lets say a Petroleum Engineer like you.

After the marriage she gets you papers to work start earning 6 figures and by extension she moves from her wretched Ghetto to a suburb neighbourhood, has access to a better life, with the better life she was able to go to school and get something good for her life.

Who did the other person a favour here?

2. In Africa its not only the parents you have a responsibility to. Who told you it was his biological parents that even raised him and probably catered for him? Could have been an uncle/Cousin/Aunt/neighbour etc and he is now obliged to train the children of that uncle/aunt/neighbour etc.

If those people didnt invest in his life as a kid he wont have the opportunity to even travel to belgium never mind making money in Europe.

Our way of life in Africa is different from the West. In the west by 16yrs you have to go get a job and fend for yourself whereas in Africa even till you get a job and in some cases you get married your family still keeps taking care of you.

You Telling his siblings in Nigeria to go fend for themselves is quite insensitive. When you were in University in Nigeria you were an adult, were you fending for yourself? Someone in 1999-2005 was fending for an Adult called DEBOSKY . Why didnt you go fend for yourself? The same thing happened to 80% of Nigerians

3. The wife was only able to get a working class husband because someone invested in his life when he was between the age of 1-18/25yrs. if someone didnt do that chances are that she might not even be able to marry him.

Next time she comes I will ask my manager for overtime so that she will be by herself from 9 till 5. My kids will start school in september anyway. The less time I spend with her the better. And I will do all my food shopping online. That will teach d woman a lesson!!!

kadarva:

Next time she comes I will ask my manager for overtime so that she will be by herself from 9 till 5. My kids will start school in september anyway. The less time I spend with her the better. And I will do all my food shopping online. That will teach d woman a lesson!!!

LOL i like the shopping online idea, but your MIL is rude and shameless she will still ask you to take her out, thats a guarantee.

kadarva:

Next time she comes I will ask my manager for overtime so that she will be by herself from 9 till 5. My kids will start school in september anyway. The less time I spend with her the better. And I will do all my food shopping online. That will teach d woman a lesson!!!

In fact, that is a good starting point. If you spend too much time with her, it will end up in Wahala. If she doesnt see you at home often, she wont have time to think about what this or that.

And while you order food online for yourself, order her some Nigerian food online as well. When is she coming back?

before she does, go take a good dose of PATIENCE.

kadarva:

Next time she comes I will ask my manager for overtime so that she will be by herself from 9 till 5. My kids will start school in september anyway. The less time I spend with her the better.  And I will do all my food shopping online. That will teach d woman a lesson!!!  

better be careful.  
It might be the end of your marriage if she decides to inform her son that you are abusing her.
don't get on her bad side because it will be HELL for you.  just let her do her thing and thank God when she leaves.

Mon-fri. 9-5. She will be by herself. I will go to bed early around 8. Best way to avoid problems. Saturday I will spent d whole day with her. Sunday is my husbands day of and then he can take her out.

I can manage 2-4 weeks like that.

kADARVA, don't be decieved, no need to be hostile to your MIL, after all that was her first time visiting, she needs to really get to know you and that will take sometime, especailly since you are from two different background, There is no need for the attitude, because if your hubby starts to notice that you are victimizing his mother, it will turn to a different story, Let your hubby do the defence, let him be in-charge, and just like Debrief asked, did you ask her to help you, i did not read your reply any where. You know, what most westerners do not understand is that most Africans, especially when leaving their native lands, would not come into a foreign land and be poking their noses into affairs that do not concern them, especially if they are getting different vibes from them. I was once a victim and i know what i am talking about. When she starts to take initiatives and do house chores and other things, that is when you will have something else to complain about, maybe she did not bathe the kids well or there is too much salt in the food, or she vacuums too much and the electricity bill is getting higher and so on and so forth.

ronkebp:

When she starts to take initiatives and do house chores and other things, that is when you will have something else to complain about, maybe she did not bathe the kids well or there is too much salt in the food, or she vacuums too much and the electricity bill is getting higher and so on and so forth.

that is the worst.

^^^^^^^ My dear, i know, it soo happened to me, when i first got to the States, come and see me doing good girl, that good girl stuff backfired, and it was as if, i should just go back to Naija, then i started defending myself with big time attitudes, till tomorrow all they think about is what i became, not what i was before everything started, the fault is never theirs' but always the fault of the '' foreigner'' (with African mentality).

One thing is for sure. I will never ever let her live with us. I will make sure that will never happens. I need my privacy. If my husband doesn't agree with that then that will be the end of our marriage.

Look poster, various opinions have been shared here. Right from the sound, positive and practical ones to the absurd, negative, offensive, primitive, prejudiced opinions and everything in-between! Therefore you need to be able to discern what's good from what's potentially more damaging to your situation.

Regarding her behavior when she was at your home I consider that it was her first time in the UK and have the feeling that she may have spent a lot of her time coming to terms with the environment she found herself given where she came from, and could have been overwhelmed by the distinct difference in the 'oyinbo' style of living/environment in comparison to what she had known ALL HER LIFE. Believe it or not your apartment/house may have appeared really luxurious to her and she may have found a lot of things strange. If in addition to that she unfortunately does not have a good command of English (the language you understand) [does she?] she may just have found it easier to keep quiet than embarrass herself trying to communicate with you.

It could have been challenging for her to translate her thoughts into words especially if she experienced a culture shock was in awe of her new surroundings.
If that was the case then I can also imagine the she and your husband would have communicated more in their native language, inadvertently excluding you from conversation which couldn't have been a good thing from your point of view. What I can not explain however is her low level of interest in her grand kids. With all said, I would still expect her to have been excited to see them.

I hope you realize what matters most is your happiness in your marriage (and by extension your husband's). You and him need to talk. It's a complex enough situation as it is and a lack of communication will only make it more so. Does he know how you feel? With tact let him know. Lay down all your concerns and hear what he has to say but don't be too quick to respond. He might know she did wrong but is willing to let her get away with it 'cos she's his mom.

Something I have noticed which you should bear in mind is that in general, many Nigerian-raised people may need words to be regularly 'hammered' into their ears before taking things seriously. In Nigeria we generally speak loud and repetitively thus the generally one-time, soft-spoken nature of communication of the typical European does not get our attention easily (from experience). This and a host of other cultural differences is the reason why I think a trip to Nigeria shall do your marriage a lot of good. If your plan is to make your marriage work you NEED to meet his family in order to understand the extent of the issues you will need to deal with now and in the future.

Like someone pointed out earlier, don't consider your case the worst because a great number of NIGERIAN wives in Nigeria have issues with their mothers-in-law, it's such a common situation that I've heard it referred to as the MIL syndrome.

**Pardon me and take this the best possible way but I think your husband may be rather selfish if he has not suggested mending fences with your own family because he knows that the marriage is the reason your family disowned you in the first place, and especially because he knows the critical role of a family approval in marriage where he comes from. He still has extended family ties for whatever it's worth but you don't - I would expect that to bother him a bit but who knows, maybe it's just a convenient arrangement for him.

kadarva:

One thing is for sure. I will never ever let her live with us. I will make sure that will never happens. I need my privacy.  If my husband doesn't agree with that then that will be the end of our marriage.

Girl, take it easy- you are going on hyper-drive. Who told you that your MIL wants to come and live with you in the UK with your cold and miserable weather? It seems you are letting resentment get the better of you- cut it out before it backfires!

kadarva:

Next time she comes I will ask my manager for overtime so that she will be by herself from 9 till 5. My kids will start school in september anyway. The less time I spend with her the better.  And I will do all my food shopping online. That will teach d woman a lesson!!!  

There is nothing wrong with doing those things if your intention is to avoid problems with your MIL but if you do them to spite her it will backfire! Purify your heart of the ill will and resentment and your life will be the better for it. Kai! Kadarva, you are one stubborn girl!

This woman is very educated. Her english is 10 times better then mine. There is so many more things that she has done that I cannot mention as people will know who I am. Its a small world.

kadarva:

This woman is very educated. Her english is 10 times better then mine. There is so many more things that she has done that I cannot mention as people will know who I am. Its a small world.

Awwwww, it still hurts doesn't it? When your husband is a little bit free, tell him the things you are telling us without the spitefulness- you need it before you go crazy. I told you to go and watch Michael Crawford to lighten your spirit- you refuse and want to remain bitter, why?

.

kadarva:

This woman is very educated. Her english is 10 times better then mine. There is so many more things that she has done that I cannot mention as people will know who I am. Its a small world.

Oh I see then a small portion of my analysis would be wrong.

Wish you luck in building your home!

LSH @ "spendin our money!"

Kadava lease go ahead and do whatever you please. You can be as rude as you want to your MIL and you can tell your husband all the stories you like. You can also keep using your kids as his weak point but I can assure you, This is a battle you will never win. All you will achieve is ruining your marriage.
I saw right through you from the start and it was only a question of time before you exposed your true self to the rest of the world. I am sure you MIL distanced herself from the kids because she knew what you were skimming and that if anything happened to your kids you would blame her. All that is left is for you to write that she is responsible for your sons condition
i have grown children too and I can tell you any woman that thinks she can stand between me and my son has failed woefully. My God will never let her know peace. After all the suffering I went to all the sacrifices to make that child what he has become. No child can progress without his mothers blessing.
You are up to some mischief and are silly enough to believe that your husband would abandon and hurt his mother because of you, your days are numbered.

kadarva:

One thing is for sure. I will never ever let her live with us. I will make sure that will never happens. I need my privacy.  If my husband doesn't agree with that then that will be the end of our marriage.

Sure, that will be the end of your marriage and so you know, it would only be a matter of days before your mil hooks her son up with a Nigerian lady. Hope you don't mind being a single mother? Cos your family is obviously not going to accept you back with those kids.

Talk of cutting your nose to spite your face
Some men abandon their wife and kids because they cannot cope with children that need special care. This man is standing to you. But he also wants to stand to his family. You have to know that a good man is good to everyone.
Please invest your energy in positive things that yield, positive results.

Mutter don vex!  Take it easy madam, nobody is going to steal your son away from you, not even a million Kadarvas.

Kadarva is just expressing her angst, it will pass. In spite of her naughtiness, deep down inside she cares that is why she even got hurt in the first place. If she didn't care, this thread would not be here.