Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes - Family - Nairaland
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| Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 2:26pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO A NIGERIAN MAN FOR NEARLY 8 YEARS (I AM TURKISH BUT BORN AND BRED IN BELGIUM) AND WE HAVE 2 LOVELY KIDS, WE ARE QUITE HAPPY TOGETHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH HOWEVER I HAVE A COUPLE OF ISSUES WITH HIS FAMILY THAT LIVES IN NIGERIA, (WE LIVE IN THE UK) THEY ASK FOR MONEY TOO MUCH, THEY RELY ON MY HUSBAND TOO MUCH FOR MONEY AND I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE I ONLY WORK PARTTIME AND MY HUSBAND WORKS 6 DAYS A WEEK, HE LITERIAL LY WORKS HIS SOCKS OF. WE HARDLY GET TO SEE EACH OTHER, WE HAVE GOT BILLS TO PAY AND ARE JUST MANGAGING OUR BILLS, WE HARDLY GO ON HOLIDAY AND ITS JUST NOT FAIR, ALL BECAUSE HE IS SUPPORTING GROWN UP PEOPLE HIS MUM WAS HERE A MONTH AGO AND IT WAS JUST A NIGHTMARE, I TOOK HER SHOPPING SOMETIMES AND SHE WOULD JUST PUT EVERYTHING IN TROLLEY AND IT GOT TO A POINT THAT MY HUSBAND STOPPED ME FROM SHOPPING WITH HER, I PAID FOR HER EYETEST AND GAVE HER A LOT OF CLOTHES AND MUCH MORE, IT WAS HER FIRST TIME IN THE UK AND SHE HAD NEVER SEEN HER GRANKDKIDS SHE WASN'T EVEN EN INTERESTED TO PLAY WITH THEM THE ONLY THING SHE WANTED TO DO IS SIT DOWN AND WATCH NOLLYWOOD OR GO SHOPPING AND SPEND OUR MONEY, SHE WOULDN'T DO ANY HOUSEWORK OR COOKING EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK NIGERIAN FOOD, AND WHEN WE DROPPED HER OFF AT THE AIRPORT SHE DID NOT EVEN SAY GOODBYE TO ME AND THE KIDS, SHE JUST WALKED OF WITH MY HUSBAND AND SAID BYE WITHOUTH LOOKING AT US IS THIS NORMAL IN YORUBA CULTURE? |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by YELAMAK: 2:42pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
being mary to nigerian is not bad at all but have you tell ur husband about how you feel,yorubas are one of the best nigerian you will never regret if there is understanding between u and ur husband.incase of her mother and all his family members. most of them may think ur husband is financially ok!but for him to help himself and you he as to face the fact! pls!i beg on his behave. AM A PROUD NIGERIA MY MOTHER IS IGBO WHILE MY FATHER IS A YORUBA MAN BUT ONE THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY ALWAYS IS THAT BOTH OF THEM ARE HAPPY LIVING TOGETHER NO MATTER THEIR FINANCIAL SITUATION. ONCE AGAIN TELL UR HUSBAND HOW U FEEL AT A RIGHT TIME 2 Likes |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by kadarva: 3:16pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
i told him many times but i just don't understand why his mum has been so rude to me, i mean for her not to even say goodbye after all the things i have done, |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by maclatunji: 4:33pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
^Sorry about the way your Mother-In-Law behaved. Your husband probably makes his family feel he is living large in the UK without drawing the line with their unrealistic expectations. Women are generally the same everywhere so you could have given your Mother-in-Law a subtle hint that you did not like her behaviour. The next time you talk to her- tell her in a joke-like manner: 'Mama you just ignored me and your grandchildren at the airport, it is not fair O.' This might also have to do with economics, sometimes our people just stop trying when their children become adults with the wrong notion that their children must provide for them or their children should achieve the things they failed to achieve for them. I think you should find a way of talking about your feelings with your husband in a way that is not confrontational- I can assure you, he too finds it awkward and is finding it difficult to manage, just take it easy with him. God we replenish you with abundance, just have faith! Let me digress, I am a bit of a fan of Turkey and Turks and would like to visit your country someday. Can I expect a warm welcome? And are you turkish women generally nice- maybe I should consider marrying one?  |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by holydrunk: 4:54pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
YOROOOBA |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Nobody: 4:55pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Nobody: 6:25pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
Truth be told your MIL might not be happy her DIL is a foreigner. Anyways, you are lucky your in-laws live in a different country. Is your husband sending money to his family to the determent of his own immediate family? If no, let it be, if yes, talk to your husband about the need to spend more on you and the kids. At the end of the day, you don't have much of a problem. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by otokx(m): 6:37pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
@poster that is the typical behavior of many a Nigerian irrespective of educational/tribal or religious background - so self centered. 1 Like |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ronkebp(f): 6:52pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
BlueDiva: Exactly my thoughts, the MIL might not have accepted you (poster) as her DIL, hence her cold attitude towards you. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by UKBobo(m): 6:56pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
I am sorry to hear your story. I live in London (originally from Southampton) and my girlfriend is Yoruba. I am white English and we have had a few issues over some cultural issues between us but thankfully we have worked through them. She used to regularly ask me for money, phone credit, hair money, despite having a job herself and I told her that this had to stop as I was not a mobile ATM (Automatic telling machine not Ass to Mouth). Through conversation, she said that in Nigeria, women regularly asked their partner for money. I suggested that this may be the reason why in her previous relationships with Nigerian men, they felt entitled to treat her badly, abuse her publicly and sometimes beat and have forced sex with her. We are now on firmer ground together. I suggest you speak to your husband and tell him how you are feeling and ensure that no money leaves your house until all of your bills and needs are met first. Good luck! |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ifyalways(f): 8:44pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
OP,Your MIL's behaviour could be because she grudgingly accepted you as a DIL.Tough luck,you can't change that.Btwn before the marriage was contracted,did u make any effort to get to know ur MIL or u did Not see the need to hence you don't care? Money.Hmmn but u stated u only work part time.Is ur husband taking good care of the homefront,respects all his finanial obligations?If yes then ur rant is abnormal.Besides if u are in ur hubys position,working 6 days wud u NOT send money to ur family back home if u see them as one of ur priorities plus wud u NOT label ur husband 'selfish,lazy and inconsiderate' if he raises an eyebrow on how u spend ur OWN money? Bobo prolly dey wet ground for eventualities u dey hia dey voke sango. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by maclatunji: 8:57pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
I understand the point that the MIL may not like or know how to relate with the poster, but if that did not inhibit her from taking gifts from the poster, she needs to show some level of decorum and appreciation to the lady. I don't know why so many women decide to maltreat their kind. She would have known that poster was making an effort to impress and please her- the least she could have done is show understanding of that. Husband has to mend this affair, otherwise it could snowball into something bigger. OP, it is a challenge but with patience you should overcome it. Don't let it bother you too much just talk to your husband about it lovingly. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ronkebp(f): 9:07pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: You have forgotten she might be thinking she is spending her son's money. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by maclatunji: 9:58pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
^I didn't forget it- I just expect that people show decorum and basic good manners. Even if it is HER SON'S MONEY, what about the effort and time the lady has to devote to her to make her comfortable? In situations like this, I demand the proper thing be done. Don't make excuses for her- she behaved like a grouch if OP's story is true. 3 Likes |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by muyoto: 9:58pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
LOL! @Yourba culture |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Kutey: 10:25pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
Ehrm, she is supposed to spend her son's money. She is his wife and the mother of his children. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by ronkebp(f): 11:19pm On Jan 22, 2012 |
maclatunji: Not making excuses for her at all, was just saying'' that might be what the woman was thinking about'', hence her taking and collecting everything the wife was buying her. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by maclatunji: 12:07am On Jan 23, 2012 |
^I understand, but seriously parents and other relatives need to understand that even if your spouse is dead broke; the fact that they are there when you get home from work and you have someone to talk to is more than enough to give her/him some basic respect and treat them with dignity. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by armyofone(m): 1:52am On Jan 23, 2012 |
kai, the mama is funny o. i can imagine the 'waving byebye' from her head |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Nobody: 3:52am On Jan 23, 2012 |
UK Bobo: Not all women do that, trust me. My mum was totally against any daughter of hers asking a bf or fiancé for money. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Outstrip(f): 5:50am On Jan 23, 2012 |
There really should be finishing school for over 50 years of age in Nigeria. Our culture encourages rude behavior from adults. can you imagine teaching yoru 4 year old manners and then realize that grandma does not even bother about manners. For the people saying "it is her son's money" No it is not her sons money or her money. Her(MIL) money was her husbands money. This is a new generation. I still blame the oga. He is the only one that can fix it. The only advice I can give the OP is to be nice to her and maybe through your niceness she might learn a thing or two though I suspect that it might just make her think you are weak. Be nice to her and talk to your husband. He knows the best way to address it. You did not have a lifetime of living with this sort of bahavior so I am not sure that there is any way that you will approach it that will not make the situation worse. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Outstrip(f): 5:51am On Jan 23, 2012 |
jennykadry:But a large number of Nigerian women tend to think this is the case. If their girlfriend has a nicer phone they blame their boyfriend as if he is the one that created them. They wonder why they get treated like crap when they do not even respect themselves |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Nobody: 8:09am On Jan 23, 2012 |
^^true. I had female friends who did that. God bless my mother, she would always tell us never to ask a man we are not married to for money. Learn to be independent and it has worked so far for me. my daughters will be getting the same lectures from me 1 Like |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by eghost247(m): 8:43am On Jan 23, 2012 |
just talk to your husband about it |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Freiburger(m): 8:59am On Jan 23, 2012 |
kadarva:OP, that is not a culture from any particular group of people, it is an individual thing, let your husband know how you feel about his mother's attitude. All the best. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by EEngineer1(m): 9:15am On Jan 23, 2012 |
@op, welcome to yoruba culture, ur MILs behavior is typical yoruba behavior( they r jst too rude). I dont mean to be a tribalist but that is d fact. I know many Nlers wud attack me but let dem be honest with themselves. Elderly Yoruba women tend to be very rude and noisy 1 Like |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Nobody: 9:17am On Jan 23, 2012 |
^^^^nope they are not, stop stereotyping please. Yorubas are very respectful, very very respectful. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Muttex(m): 9:17am On Jan 23, 2012 |
@Poster. sorry you and your husband have to sit down and address this , before it goes out of hands. Thank God for you, you have a good man. Talk to him in the middle of nite. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by DeepSoul(f): 9:18am On Jan 23, 2012 |
I think it's more of lack of acceptance. Because you're white, she sees you and your kids as "outsiders". Sometimes, this same treatment is dished out to Nigerian women (of a different tribe) as well. I think it's your husbands responsibility to see that she begins to accept you and your kids as part of her family. In her defense, she might be illiterate and not know any better. . . 8yrs isn't a joke. Talk to your husband about it (without being confrontational) and you both should brainstorm on ways to make this happen. You can also play the fool for now and do the little things like call her regularly just to say hello. This might soften her heart and create familiarity overtime. . .you never know. Good luck  P.S: Your husband should learn to say no to some financial requests, especially the trivial ones. |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by DeepSoul(f): 9:21am On Jan 23, 2012 |
jennykadry: I hate to talk based on tribes but. . .Yorubas are one of the most respectful in Nigeria but ironically, they are also the rudest (when they decide to be). And a lot of times, this "respect" is given more out of obligation than genuineness. They bow down and greet you; the moment you turn your back, they do the opposite. . . I'm not making a general statement tho. . .just talking from experiences I've had with some of them 2 Likes |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by silvernus0: 9:31am On Jan 23, 2012 |
some but your husband should let the family members know they dont pick money on the streets its hard work. nigerian men are vry comited and romantic  |
| Re: Being Married To A Nigerian Is Hard Sometimes by Urine: 9:33am On Jan 23, 2012 |
@OP The First thing you should be grateful about is that you have a loving,caring,hardworking husband. Just try to find the right time to talk to him and am sure everything will be okay. |
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