[size=18pt]Consumed by baby envy: The new social divide between women struggling in their late 30s to become pregnant and friends who have children[/size]

Karen Veness always thought herself a calm, rational and amiable woman.
But in her early 30s she suddenly became bitter, resentful and mean-spirited towards friends and even to her own sister-in-law.
The depth of her anger, jealousy and hatred took her completely by surprise.

‘I was feeling this really horrible set of emotions and it was a side of me I didn’t think I had - a very black side,’ says Karen, a 45-year-old writer in Nottingham.
‘My anger at the time was palpable. I felt physically sick.’
And the reason for her dramatic personality change? She was suffering from profound fertility envy.
Karen was married and in her early 30s when she discovered that she would struggle to conceive. Knowing she wanted a family, and concerned that her fertility might have been compromised after her appendix burst during her 20s, she went for tests and learned one of her fallopian tubes was damaged.

But as she began her fight against infertility, it seemed that everyone around her was getting pregnant.
Most painful of all, Karen’s sister-in-law announced her pregnancy just as Karen and her husband James were starting IVF.
The prospect that a new child would soon arrive in the family knocked Karen for six.
From then on, Karen avoided contact with the expectant woman. ‘I couldn’t listen to anyone going on about being pregnant,’ she says. ‘I’d have probably told them I hated them or something.’
Her bitterness extended to every woman with a swollen belly who crossed her path. ‘These people had what I thought I’d never have,’ adds Karen. ‘Often I’d just fall into a heap and sob.’
While Karen was shocked by her personality change, her behaviour is by no means unusual. Counsellors who work in the field of infertility say feelings of anger or jealousy towards friends who have had babies are more common than not.
And, as more women leave motherhood until later in life, and consequently struggle to conceive, feelings like Karen’s are becoming increasingly common.

Nearly a fifth of British women are childless at menopause, statistics show -  some by choice but many others by circumstance.
As Karen knows all too well, infertility can leave women feeling excluded from a privileged members-only club. At the same time, invitations to christenings and ultrasound scans posted on Facebook remind them of what they cannot do.
‘When people are diagnosed with an infertility problem, it’s almost as if women with baby bumps or prams start coming out of cracks in the pavement,’ says Diane Arnold, who provides support to women and couples via the Infertility Network UK’s professional advice line for members.
‘You want to be pleased for your friends, but deep down you’re thinking: “Go away with your babies,” ’ she adds.
But the topic of fertility and friendship can be taboo, and women often find their jealousy is compounded by guilt.
‘You feel like such an awful person. You don’t understand how you can feel mean towards someone who’s having a baby, but you do,’ says Karen.
Norah Harding, an infertility counsellor who helps couples through fertility treatment with stress-reduction techniques, agrees the emotions women experience can be multi-layered.
‘On top of feeling envy and a sense of failure as a woman, you can feel doubly bad because you’ve also become a bitter person,’ says Harding, of Reframe Counselling and Psychotherapy.
In surveys, women say infertility is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, even when compared to the death of a loved one, says Harding, who’s noticed an increase in people seeking emotional support around infertility.  ‘When someone else seems to get pregnant easily or accidentally - that can be really difficult to take.’
Karen found herself in that position when a work colleague announced her baby news just after Karen and James had decided to go down the IVF route.
‘I remember she would joke: “My husband only has to look at me and I’m pregnant,” ’ she says. ‘I could have throttled her.’
And when Karen heard her sister-in-law had given birth — just before Karen had eggs implanted after a first cycle of IVF — her response to her husband was: “So what”? She refused to go and see her baby nephew.
Then, there was good news for Karen — her IVF worked first time and she quickly reverted to her bubbly, optimistic self. It was as if a switch had been flipped.

‘I suddenly had the biggest smile and was full of cuddles for babies everywhere,’ says Karen. ‘Overnight, I went from being a recluse to being this happy, generous person who was delighted to see pregnant women or their children.’
When she was a couple of months pregnant, Karen visited her sister-in-law and for the first time met her nephew, by then a few months old.
Karen never discussed her infertility or her envy with her sister-in-law and both sides of the family moved on as if nothing had happened.
Soon, though, the shoe was on the other foot.
To her surprise, Karen conceived her second child, Georgia, naturally not long after the birth of her first daughter, Holly, and she had to break the news of her new pregnancy to a close friend who had failed with IVF.
‘She was shell-shocked. She couldn’t hug me.
She found it really hard to deal with,’ says Karen, whose daughters are now aged 13 and 12.

Fortunately, her friend did eventually have a baby herself and the relationship survived the infertility rollercoaster.
But things aren’t always so straightforward. Becky Bramall, a 26-year-old social worker from Hull, lost a friendship completely due to infertility.
Becky and her husband Mike spent two years trying to conceive naturally before finding out they both had infertility issues.
‘My close friend already had a child but that wasn’t a big problem,’ she says. ‘I didn’t mind being around children - it was pregnant women I struggled with.’
Then, one morning, Becky’s friend texted her to say she was pregnant again. ‘I was devastated,’ she says.
‘She already had a little girl. I knew then it was going to be too hard for me to continue with that friendship.’
As her friend’s pregnancy progressed, Becky found it increasingly hard to see her stomach growing or to look at her scan pictures. She gradually withdrew, not responding to messages.
‘I found myself getting increasingly upset and it just made it so hard every month when I got my period,’ says Becky, who eventually stopped seeing her friend altogether after about five months.
‘She did contact me not long after her daughter was born and asked if she’d done anything wrong. I explained to her that it wasn’t personal — I just couldn’t be around pregnant women. I just felt numb.’
Becky and her husband did finally conceive, through IVF, and now they have a three-month-old son, Finley.
After Finley’s birth, her friend congratulated her via Facebook, but the two haven’t spoken.
Becky thinks that friendship is over for good and she still struggles with feelings of bitterness.
‘People think that once you’ve had a child, all the pain goes away. But it doesn’t,’ she explains.

‘I look at my brother and sister-in-law who have two children who are close together in age and I think, we’re never going to have another child without it being a massive procedure.
'The anger and frustration that we can’t just have what everyone else seems to get so easily is still there.’
And things can be just as difficult on the other side of the fence. In a poll of 354 women conducted by the pregnancy and parenting website BabyCentre.co.uk, 86 per cent of women said they felt guilty when telling friends who were trying to conceive that they were pregnant.
While every woman deals with things differently, Norah Harding says some friendships may need to be ‘parked’ if one party is struggling to conceive, to be picked up again later when things have been resolved or feelings are less raw.
‘If you feel like people are walking on eggshells around you, that doesn’t help either,’ she says. ‘When you’re struggling with a sense of hopelessness, you’re very sensitive to imagined or intended slights.’
Sometimes friendships are never quite the same again.
One 41-year-old mother-of-two, who says the issue is so sensitive she doesn’t want to be named, explains she’s struggled for years with a friend she made at university 20 years ago, who has unexplained infertility issues.

‘She’s been awful to be around,’ says the part-time teacher from London. ‘She’ll invite my husband and me to a barbecue and then add the comment: “Please don’t bring your children,” which makes it hard for us to go.
‘She tries to airbrush my children out of my life - she is always trying to organise weekends away with “the girls” which are almost impossible as we all have children.
‘I feel very angry that because of her reaction to her infertility, I always have to tiptoe around the subject of children.
‘I do try to be understanding and have changed the way we socialise to try to deal with the problem, suggesting we meet for weekday lunches when I’m not with my children. I have even thought about dropping the friendship. But, then, what kind of friend would I be?’
Experts say the best solution to fertility jealousy is to talk openly about what’s going on.
‘Women who experience fertility problems need to give themselves a break and be kind to themselves,’ says Anya Sizer, support co-ordinator at the London Women’s Clinic.

‘Feeling envious at a baby shower or fed up of seeing pregnant women doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you a human being.’
But talking about fertility jealousy can be difficult even for the closest of friends.
Clare Axworthy, 32, and Julia Shields, 33, have been good friends since they met through work at a publishing company in 2005.
But, a few years ago, their relationship was threatened by infertility. Both women began trying for a second child around the same time — their first children were only nine months apart.
Julia became pregnant straight away and instantly told Clare, assuming the same would happen to her. But Clare went on to struggle for a year.
They continued to work side-by-side, but the relationship changed as Julia’s pregnancy progressed.
‘Julia was such a brilliant friend, but seeing her every day with her big belly was so hard,’ says Clare. ‘I felt that it wasn’t fair. Her body was a physical reminder of what I couldn’t do.’
At one point Julia, now a full-time mother from North Somerset, tried to talk to Clare about her pregnancy but she clammed up, denying that there was anything wrong.
‘I couldn’t say to a really good friend that I couldn’t hang out with her because I felt bitter, jealous and insecure,’ says Clare, who lives in London with her husband.
Clare did eventually conceive, just as Julia’s baby was born, and both women went on to have a third child. Clare says they both agree their friendship is as strong as ever now, but she admits things could have been very different.
‘Had I not got pregnant again, I’m not sure how I’d have dealt with it, and I might have cut her off a bit,’ she says.
‘I think it would have been really difficult for us to stay such close friends.’
Sadly, there are an increasing number of women in Britain who know just how that feels.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2102376/Baby-envy-The-new-social-divide.html

Nice article I so see myself in these women. Been trying for a second child and its not coming. What makes it harder that to of my friends just had an abortion. And am like GOD why give them and not me.

I can definitely understand that it would be difficult to be around pregnant women when dealing with infertility but the extent to which some of these people acted out their bitterness astounds me. Becky, for instance, seems like a real b*tch.

chillbabe:

Nice article I so see myself in these women. Been trying for a second child and its not coming. What makes it harder that to of my friends just had an abortion. And am like GOD why give them and not me.

Must be even more heartbreaking to see friends have abortions than to have pregnant friends in this situation. May your prayers be answered soon.

i know i suffered from some of this bitterness prior to having my son so i can totally understand where these ladies are coming from

I lost a dear friend this way, we got married around the same time and we did face difficulties in conceiving and used to discuss our problems. She used to be much more impatient coz she was much more senior to me. Maybe her impatience was infectious coz I was hardly a year into my marriage and I too started to worry but I thank god, I had my baby soon after and whn I broke the news my friend did not hide her bitterness. She stopped coming over, and the occassional calls were restricted to general topics. She never once asked about my baby after I gave birth nor came over to see the baby and eventually stopped the phone calls. I perfectly understand her feelings and even after all these years and I pray for her everyday, Hope she soon fulfils her dream of becoming a mother

There is always adoption, don't understand why women will treat themselves this way, the solution is in a selection of motherless baby homes! take your pick!

And what is new about the social divide?? Oooo the daily mail? Why did i come here! *rolls eyess* probably a whole load of bul crap!

I thank God for my best friend, it has been so hard for her and yet our friendship has remained. Sometimes she gets hurt and cries but we talk openly about it. She once accused me of getting pregnant to site her.
With my last two kids i never told her till they were born. I wanted to save her the pain.

chillbabe:

Nice article I so see myself in these women. Been trying for a second child and its not coming. What makes it harder that to of my friends just had an abortion. And am like GOD why give them and not me.

How can you see yourself in them . . . you already have a child!

hmmmm, not having a child in Nigeria can be hell. When I was with my first husband my pregnant friends will be asking me " what are you waiting for?" I remember the embarrased silence and my husbands usual response " ask her what she did with her womb" Kai. I feel for women who are trying to concieve, its not a very friendly environment down here, it will be shoved in your face and you will be faced with snide comments. Now that I have had a child I go out of my way to be senitive to women trying to concieve, i try to make the discussion more about other things than what "jnr did today" or what he said or how smart he is, we mothers love to talk about our kids but when you are with a woman who is trying to concieve find a neutral subject abeg. Please aviod the "what are you waiting for" question. You have no idea and you dont want to have believe me

I don't mean 2 sound uncaring. But is it not better for these women to be genuinely happy for those women and surround themselves with children so that they can attract their own? Being spiteful n mean will not create the right atmosphere for the baby to form.

On the flip side, Some people make it more difficult for people trying to conceive,

When I was trying to, I just never did anything right, if I smiled too much, wahala, If I frown, double wahala, If I dress well, am not somber, If I talk about it, I get pitiful long faces, If I don't, am not trying to get help.

Friends with kids avoid you cos they think u get depressed by seeing their children, my best friend invited everyone but me to her babies' naming ceremony, ure the last to hear of a friends child's birthday, if my friends and I were looking at pictures or news on the Internet, they quickly skip baby or anything about babies. It really made me very uncomfortable.

Pls not every woman trying to conceive is bitter, the least you could do is be normal around them, talk normally, laugh normally, except, of course, u notice it makes her uncomforble.

blank:

I don't mean 2 sound uncaring. But is it not better for these women to be genuinely happy for those women and surround themselves with children so that they can attract their own? Being spiteful n mean will not create the right atmosphere for the baby to form.

Its easier said than done dear
probably these women tried being nice and carrying a smiling face all around and when they r around kids
but it gets to a certain stage that the anger can't be contained or sealed anymore, all that is left is to let it out

sad sad sad!!!

recruitmnt:

On the flip side, Some people make it more difficult for people trying to conceive,

When I was trying to, I just never did anything right, if I smiled too much, wahala, If I frown, double wahala, If I dress well, am not somber, If I talk about it, I get pitiful long faces, If I don't, am not trying to get help.

Friends with kids avoid you cos they think u get depressed by seeing their children, my best friend invited everyone but me to her babies' naming ceremony, ure the last to hear of a friends child's birthday, if my friends and I were looking at pictures or news on the Internet, they quickly skip baby or anything about babies. It really made me very uncomfortable.

Pls not every woman trying to conceive is bitter, the least you could do is be normal around them, talk normally, laugh normally, except, of course, u notice it makes her uncomforble.

GBAM!!!  +10000

It's easy for women who have never walked in those shoes to 'cast aspersions' and at times make uncanny statements wandering why a lady who is TTC is acting the way she does. The truth is a lot of them don't know that most of these women are constantly under the searchlight by their contemporaries and constantly scrutinised  

If you talk wahala, if you dont . . . same thing! Even when they try to relate normally with their peers at times, they might just feel this unnecessary ease.

The fact is, we are all human and no matter how happy one is for friends & family that have babies & felicitate with them , there will still be that yearning for yours as well . . . . .It's only natural  

A lot of the times, the people around make it difficult for women still struggling with these fertility issues either family or friends as they are constantly judging their actions.

I think there's the need for women TTC to strike a balance and try to reach out to people around them that are showing them love and not wear their emotions on their sleeves. . . .  Even though i know it's easier said than done. . . .

^^ true talk my sister

This so-called social divide may be new in the uk but its as old as time here in africa. One of our family friends who is a university lecturer told us how she went from mean to nice the moment she conceived her first child in her late 30s. She became less strict and more considerate to students. My mum used to tell us of her co-workers who were trying to conceive and are just outright mean. She used to tell us to be as patient as possible with such people when we cross paths with them. I assist them with prayers as often as i can.

HMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

NO WONDER

Would you as a mother feel comfortable inviting your friend who doesnt have a child to your sons graduation?

My mom faced something similar with her colleague at work

SAGALULU, this your post too long, haba!!!

Its very normal for women to feel jealous if they have no kids, single ladies approaching 30 or above 30 get jealous of their married friends talk less of married women without kids. . .Its much worse in Nigeria so i get the drift, There is truly a correlation between married women without kids and general bitterness to many people around them, I have observed this many many times . . . .My big aunt has been married for over 9 years without a child, she is 39 years old, feel so sad for her . . . .

I have an aunt who has been married too for over 15 years without a child, hers is due to fibroid issues, she takes in and after couple of months, miscarries, yesterday she called and we were talking, she asked after my son, though it was a smooth conversation, i still felt bad for her.

You really wont understand the pain except you have been in that kinda situation.

- When you laugh or smile and play, people will ask what is making you (your prisoner) happy, instead of you to be crying that you are barren.

- When you are down and praying , they say you are envious. They remind of of the several boyfriends you had back in college. Like we no know say na asewo dey born pass!

- When you stay away (so that you avoid the two points above), they say you are not happy for them.

- When they offer you ridiculous ways out (like taking you to a herbalist) and you decline, they say you are proud and your suffering never start.

- When you tell them you are waiting on God for His miracle, they say 'Heaven helps those who help themselves'

- When you go to church, the pastor indirectly says you are barren because or your sins or lack of sowing seed to the church.

- When you correct a child for doing wrong, the mother will remind you of how barren you are.

- When you eventually get pregnant and keep it to yourself,  they get mad that because you did not inform them; they say it is fake, or you adopted, or you did surrogacy. Like any of those is bad.  Ask Beyonce.

- When you give your precious miracle child several names, they call you illuminati. Ask Beyonce


God help us all.

It took me over 7 years to get my son and the truth of the matter is that, when i was ttc it was real hard to be around my friends that had kids, i was more hurt by not having a kid than anything. Its not like i didnt like them its just that seeing children placed a sadness in my heart a longing that was not fufilled in my life. I think its more hurt than anything else women feel when ttc. Now i got a son, i dont feel anyways anymore but i am SUPER sensitive to ppl ttc.
@ queeen i contemplated adoption in Nigeria becuase the process is faster and just as i was about to do it without the support of my Partner i became pregnant. I would still adopt in the future if the need arise and their are so many sweet children that need love in the motherless baby homes.

thumbs up recruitment.people generally over think on behalf of those without kids.
mazaje why do you feel sorry for your aunt, i dont think she wants to be pitied.there's so much more to life than having children. after having them, then what? ah you have agirl, when will you get a boy.then you have two kids, when is the 3rd one coming.its so overatted

shushu:

thumbs up recruitment.people generally over think on behalf of those without kids.
mazaje why do you feel sorry for your aunt, i dont think she wants to be pitied.there's so much more to life than having children. after having them, then what? ah you have agirl, when will you get a boy.then you have two kids, when is the 3rd one coming.its so overatted

I feel sorry for her because it seriously weighs her down, she is deeply unhappy, people don't invite her to their kids birthdays, naming ceremony and other social gatherings that involve kids, the harsh ones mock her or use her situation to get at her when ever she offends them, she has her own short comings but the way people use her childlessness to get at her is so sad and just wrong. . . .I know very well that kids (like marriage) are so overrated. . .

kokoye:

You really wont understand the pain except you have been in that kinda situation.

- When you laugh or smile and play, people will ask what is making you (your prisoner) happy, instead of you to be crying that you are barren.

- When you are down and praying , they say you are envious. They remind of of the several boyfriends you had back in college. Like we no know say na asewo dey born pass!

- When you stay away (so that you avoid the two points above), they say you are not happy for them.

- When they offer you ridiculous ways out (like taking you to a herbalist) and you decline, they say you are proud and your suffering never start.

- When you tell them you are waiting on God for His miracle, they say 'Heaven helps those who help themselves'

- When you go to church, the pastor indirectly says you are barren because or your sins or lack of sowing seed to the church.

- When you correct a child for doing wrong, the mother will remind you of how barren you are.

- When you eventually get pregnant and keep it to yourself,  they get mad that because you did not inform them; they say it is fake, or you adopted, or you did surrogacy. Like any of those is bad.  Ask Beyonce.

- When you give your precious miracle child several names, they call you illuminati. Ask Beyonce


God help us all.

mazaje:

I feel sorry for her because it seriously weighs her down, she is deeply unhappy, people don't invite her to their kids birthdays, naming ceremony and other social gatherings that involve kids, the harsh ones mock her or use her situation to get at her when ever she offends them, she has her own short comings but the way people use her childlessness to get at her is so sad and just wrong. . . .I know very well that kids (like marriage) are so overrated. . .

You nailed it Bros!!!

Women TTC are constantly under the searchlight. . . . .always having to walk on egg shells.  Even here on NL i've heard a couple of people insult thier fellow women that they are 'barren' . . .     Come on! Why insult or mock someoone with such a sensitive issue? Our society especially in Nigeria is really terrible at this.

Na wah!

bump!

This lady that I know personally wanted to get married in her church. During the councelling period, her pastor's wife (an elderly old lady without child) told her she could not do a full wedding in the church due to her pregnancy . . they could only do a marriage blessing for her. This was the church policy . .strict; they wont bend it for anyone.

This lady deliberately walked up to the pastor's wife during a service (in front of everyone) and reminded her of her barreness. She told everyone listening that she did not know why there were listening to her sermon and prayers, when she herself couldnt pray for a child of her own. A woman who is well over sixty . .older than the lady's mother!

All these because the pastor's wife followed church policy.

really sad . . some women . . vile

kokoye:

This lady that I know personally wanted to get married in her church. During the councelling period, her pastor's wife (an elderly old lady without child) told her she could not do a full wedding in the church due to her pregnancy . . they could only do a marriage blessing for her. This was the church policy . .strict; they wont bend it for anyone.

This lady deliberately walked up to the pastor's wife during a service (in front of everyone) and reminded her of her barreness. She told everyone listening that she did not know why there were listening to her sermon and prayers, when she herself couldnt pray for a child of her own. A woman who is well over sixty . .older than the lady's mother!

All these because the pastor's wife followed church policy.

really sad . . some women . . vile

No way!

@kokoye, that's taking it to the extreme. Most people fail to understand that children are gifts from God Απϑ‎​ being blessed with them has nothing to do with our righteousness or something, just God showing mercy. Women should learn not to brag about howw easy it is for them to conceive.

kokoye:




- When you go to church, the pastor indirectly says you are barren because or your sins or lack of sowing seed to the church.


- When you eventually get pregnant and keep it to yourself,  they get mad that because you did not inform them; they say it is fake, or you adopted, or you did surrogacy. Like any of those is bad.  Ask Beyonce.

- When you give your precious miracle child several names, they call you illuminati. Ask Beyonce


God help us all.

Ha Ha

@ TTCs in the house,

Please do not give up!!! There is always hope!!

My mom-secretly-told me that my Aunt (49 y) is presently pregnant after years of trying of conceive  As you know 9ger style, they are trying to keep it *hush* hush*. I feel so happy for her.

There is always hope. No need t feel bitter for your friends.