A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you iddddddiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after hav ing been operated: "I'm afraid we're
going to hav e to operate y ou again. Because, y ou see, I forgot my rubber glov es inside
y ou."
Patient: "Well, if that’s all, I'd rather pay for them if y ou just leav e me alone.

************************
Doctor: "I hav e some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, y ou might as well giv e me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with y our test results. They said y ou hav e 24 hours to liv e."
Patient: "24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What's the v ery bad news?"
Doctor: "I'v e been try ing to reach y ou since y esterday ."
************************

************************
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear
and a banana in his right ear.
Man: "What's the matter with me?"
Doctor: "You're not eating properly ."
************************

************************
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What
happened to y our ears?"He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and pshhhhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."
The boss say s, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, then I had to call the doctor!"
************************

Top 45 Oxymoron's
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
************************

I love 'em all though i've seen some before

Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow cause I know y ou can't read fast.
We don't liv e where we did when y ou left. Your Dad read in the paper where most
accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we mov ed. This place has a
washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and hav en't seen
them since.
It's only rained twice this week. Three day s the first time and four day s the second time.
The coat y ou wanted me to send, y our Aunt Sue said was too heav y to mail with all those
big buttons on it so we cut them off and they 're in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last pay ment on
Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky v at y esterday - some
men
tried
to
pull
him
out
but
he
fought
'em
all
off
and
finally
drowned. We
cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.
Three of y our friends went off the bridge in a pick- up truck, one was driv ing, two in the
back. The driv er rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get
the tail- gate open so they drowned too.
Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next
time.
Lov e, Your Mama
P.S. Was gonna send y ou some money but already had this sealed up.
************************

hrheheheheheheheeee

Nice one. Check this out! An old lady boarded a bus from Lagos to Abuja.. She told the driver " Oga tell me when we reach Benin" and the driver agreed. Upon departure she shouted from the back again " I beg tell me when we reach Benin" the driver and the passengers said " we go tell you Mama".

Everone slept and the driver drove pass Benin. At lokoja- One hour after Benin a male passenger remembered and told the driver " Mama say make we tell am if we reach Benin" and the driver replied " I beg no wake am o" the Driver made u-turn back to Benin. At Benin he woke Mama " we don reach Benin". Mama brought out her Phone, dailled someone and said " we dey Benin now" and went back to sleep. The driver woke her up again, " Mama I say we dey Benin" and Mama answered " I tell you say I go come down from Benin? Na Abuja I dey go my daughter say if I reach Benin make I call am"

nice 1 there muhehehehehehe

yeswecan: Nice one. Check this out! An old lady boarded a bus from Lagos to Abuja.. She told the driver " Oga tell me when we reach Benin" and the driver agreed. Upon departure she shouted from the back again " I beg tell me when we reach Benin" the driver and the passengers said " we go tell you Mama".

Everone slept and the driver drove pass Benin. At lokoja- One hour after Benin a male passenger remembered and told the driver " Mama say make we tell am if we reach Benin" and the driver replied " I beg no wake am o" the Driver made u-turn back to Benin. At Benin he woke Mama " we don reach Benin". Mama brought out her Phone, dailled someone and said " we dey Benin now" and went back to sleep. The driver woke her up again, " Mama I say we dey Benin" and Mama answered " I tell you say I go come down from Benin? Na Abuja I dey go my daughter say if I reach Benin make I call am"

if i b driver i 4 just troway am 4rm window ..den call her dota 2 cum park am. mtchew

Actual Call Center Calls
Customer: "I've been calling 700- 1 000 for two day s and can't get through; can y ou
help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of y our business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open."
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry , sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1 , section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the
fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you
give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry , there's no listing. Are y ou sure that the spelling is coCaller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Wov en? Are y ou sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it say s on the label - - Wov en in Scotland "
On another occasion, a man making heav y breathing sounds from a phoneworried operator: "I hav en't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to number on."
Tech Support: "I need y ou to right- click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did y ou get a pop- up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right- Click again. Do y ou see a pop- up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can y ou tell me what y ou hav e done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of y our screen, can y ou see the 'OK'
button display ed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can y ou see my screen from there?"

************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was y our first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can y ou describe the indiv idual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is y our appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to y our attorney ?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: ALL y our responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: What gear were y ou in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
************************

updates coming up in a jiffy

(am going raw on this)
na 2 part of lagos dey, 1 part 4 d rich and the other 4 d u know
4 rich man area u go hear bustop like adeola odekun, ahmadu bello way, ademola alakija, etc
bur 4 d oda part u go hear bustop like Pako church, moshahlassshiii, babatope babaoshi, iyatuwo, ogogoro junction,
cemetery. abbeeegi wetin person dey find for cemetery?
******************
Some should please translate this; "waka waka don carry beele"

keep them comingggg. .

salemdv: (am going raw on this)
na 2 part of lagos dey, 1 part 4 d rich and the other 4 d u know
4 rich man area u go hear bustop like adeola odekun, ahmadu bello way, ademola alakija, etc
bur 4 d oda part u go hear bustop like Pako church, moshahlassshiii, babatope babaoshi, iyatuwo, ogogoro junction,
cemetery. abbeeegi wetin person dey find for cemetery?
******************
Some should please translate this; "waka waka don carry beele"

moving about carelessly has got yu pregnant

U no get am oh dude...try harder

Walk walk is pregnant...lol...or walk walk has carried stomach