Welcome on-board. G.E.J stands for- Good Entertaining Jokes. Thread officially open.



First off diz one na etc incase e no funny




SOME REASONS WHY ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
The bandage was wound around d wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full dat it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in d desert.
Since dia is no time lyk d present,he taught it was time to present his present.
When shot at, the dove dove into d bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were not close enough to close the door.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting i shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can i intimate this to my intimate friend.

HORNS
Why does'nt dis cow have horns? Asked a girl from the city. The farmer answered patiently ' cows do a whole lot of damage with horns, so for the older ones we trim dem down with a hacksaw, but for the young ones we apply little acid at d point of growth to stop d horns from growing, still some breeds of cattle don't grow horns at all. But the reason this cow does'nt have horns is because its a horse'!!

An elderly woman was caught over-speeding and this conversation ensued
Road safety officer: madam do u know dat u were overspeeding?
WOMAN: yes and so?
R.S.0: you have the audacity to be rude?, let me see your particulars
WOMAN: I dont have it, it was confiscated from me for over speeding last month
R.S.0: Then whose car is this?
WOMAN: Its not mine, i stole it and killed the owner, his body parts are in the boot.
Upon hearing this, the R.s.o shifts back and calls for backup. The backup arrives on the scene, they open the boot and see nothing, ask the woman for her particulars and she hands it over obediently and the officer is puzzled and asks 'but my partner told us that you didnt have particulars, u stole the car and killed the owner' to which the woman replied ' i bet the lieing bastard also told you i was overspeeding too'.

Let's face it -- English is a [b]crazy [/b]language.

There are neither egg in an eggplant nor ham in a hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Why is it when we are ill, we are referred to as being 'poorly', but when we are well again, we're never referred to as 'richly'? Or if an airplane has a near miss, surely that would mean it was hit?

And finally - If in England they speak 'English', why don't they call it 'American' in America, or 'Australian' in Australia?

Nice one sirlekoso.
Still on the english attack
There is a two letter word dat perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word and it is UP.
Its easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but why do we wake UP in d morning, at a meeting why doz a topic come UP, why do we speak UP and why is it UP to a secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. We use it to brighten UP the room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftover and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses,we open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem pretty mixed UP about UP. In the lexicon, it takes UP to abt 30 definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the ways UP is used. It wil take UP a lot of your time, but if you dont give UP u mite wind UP wit a hundred or more . One cud go on and on but i'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP,so it is time to shut UP.

1st Neighbour: Do u know my dog is so smart that he waits for the newspaper and when its dropped, he brings it for me into the parlour.
2nd Neighbour:yeah, i know that very well
1st Neighbour:how do you know
2nd Neighbour:My dog told me.

Two men were arguing on whose son was more stupid so the first man calls his son
1st Man: kola, come here, i want you to go to the market and buy me something. (Immediately d boy zooms off) you see he did'nt even ask for what to buy or the money
2nd man: just watch my own son, Kwakwu come here,(d boy comes) i want you to go home and check whether i am at home(immediately d boy zooms off and comes back some mins leta)
kwakwu: papa, i went home o, you were not at home, mama said you went to your friend's house.

SON: mommy, why did aunty kate name her daughter diamond?
MOM: Wel sometimes, mothers name their children after what they love most son.
SON: so wats behind my name?
MOM: stop disturbing me Dickson, i am busy in the kitchen.

A new addition to the periodic table of chemical elements.
Element name: Girl.
Symbol : Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare ask
Physical properties: Boils at anything, can freeze at anytime, melts if handled with care and love, very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: very reactive, highly unstable, possess strong affinity for Gold, Diamond and other precious elements,volatile when left alone.
USES:Mainly used to destroy gerMANium, money reducing agent.

Nice one here!! I applaud this talent.

Umartins1: Nice one here!! I applaud this talent.

i appreciate it man

Thanks for sharing.

Murphy7h4: Thanks for sharing.

you're welcome, more to come

Microsoft needed more managing directors, so they put up a vacancy post. 20,000 people turned out for the screening so Bill Gates steps forward and says ,'you are all welcome, but due to the large number and we only nid a few people, i will start with the elimination _ if you don't have at least a Phd in any computer related field you may leave' at dis 10,000 people leave. Among the ones remaining is a Nigerian man who thinks 'i dnt hav d phd bt even if i stay, i hav nutin to lose'. Bill continues 'if you dont have at least 10years experience ,you may leave' .5000 people leave n d Niger man stil remains though nt having the qualification. Again Bill says 'if you cant speak Portuguese pls leave' at dis everyone leaves remaining d nigerian man and one oda man. Bill gates congratulates them and says ' can i hear you two hav a conversation in portuguese'. Of cuz d niger man cud'nt spik portueguese so he luks at the other man and says ' o boy, wahala don yarn o'. D other guy bein blak replies ' shu na d same condition we dey so'. Bill: congratulations men, you are hired.

@moderator can you please change the subject name and put this to front page

OPEYEMI AD: @moderator can you please change the subject name and put this to front page

Nice to know you guys are enjoying this.

A mouse looked through the crack in d wall 2 see the farmer and his wife open a package.'wat food might this be? The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mouse trap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: 'there is a mouse trap in the house(x3)' d chicken said 'mr.mouse, i can tel dis is a grave concern to you, not me, i cannot be bothered by it ''. D mouse turned to the goat and d goat sympathized, but said 'i am very sorry, bt dia is nutin i can do about it', the cow said ' wow mr.mouse, i am sorry for you, but its no skin off my nose'. So d mouse had to face his trouble dejected and alone. That nyt, a sound was heard lyk dat of a mousetrap catching its prey'. The farmer's wife went to check not knowing it was a snake, and it bit her. D farmer rushed her to d hospital and she returned wit a fever. Everyone knows we treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so d farmer killed and cooked the chicken for her. Bt ha sicknes persisted,so frnds and neighbours came to stay wit her. To feed them, the farmer butcherd the goat. She later died, so the cow was used to feed all. Moral: when one of us is threatened, all of us are threatened.

HEIGHT OF IGNORANCE
Last week i went to a Gospel bookshop and bought a bumper sticker which said ' HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS'. And am glad i did because wat hapened after was uplifting.
As i was driving in town wit my friends, we reached an intersection and i had to stop acording to the trafic lyt, i got lost in thought about THE LORD and didnt notice wen d green lite showed. D guy at my back really loved the Lord as he honked crazily and was shouting really in the spirit. Soon everybody started honking and i was very happy so i waved at them cheerfully, i noticed a guy dat waved in a funny way wit only his middle finger in the sky and my friends told me it was a 'modern goodluck sign', so i happily waved him the goodluck sign too. There must have been someone from lagos because i hrd sumtin lyk 'sunny of a beach'. Now many of them started coming out of their cars and heading towards mine, i knew it was the Spirit's doing. It was then i noticed the green light and i drove away smiling at the loving people who loved Jesus so much. And i waved my hand to them all with the modern goodluck sign.

Morning NL
A vacancy was available for d job of a zoo-keeper. A guy turns up and tells the employer that 'i am over-qualified for the job' the employee asked why and the guy replied ' i was raised by jungle animals'. Puzzled, the employer asks ' what is your name again?' and the guy replies ' my name is Jim.... jim Panzee'

A man was seriously meditating in prayers when an angel appeared to him and said 'u hav tried to be faithful in all your ways so i am here to grant you any wish' the man said 'ok i want a bridge across the Pacific ocean'. The angel replied ' i can do that but why dont u tink of a better thing that is not materialistic, something that would really help humanity' so the man said 'ok i want all men to have the ability to understand women, their innermost thoughts, what they mean when they giv the silent treatment, i mean what they really desire ' the angel replied ' do u want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge'.

ARE YOU AN AJEBOTA OR AJEPAKO
8 STEPS TO KNOW
1.If you step on a nail and bleed_Bota
but if you step on a nail and bend it_'pako.
2. If you see the words madam,sir or Esq after your folks' name on an envelope_Bota.
But if people refer to your folks as 'iya-beji', 'mama baby', 'mama chukwudi' or 'Baa Lamidi' you are not ajebota.
3. If you have your home periodically fumigated with scentless pest repellants so its virtually roach and termite free_Bota...but if your aim with either a cortina or skoll can nail a flying cockroach to the wall_ pako.
4. If your folks carry wallets and purses_ Bota.
But if your mom reaches into her bra in the glaring eyes of the public, your Pako is level 5.
5. If you have a borehole installed in your compound for year round water supply_BOTA,
But if the middle of your head is hairless due to having logged over 650,000miles from hauling pails of water_PAKO.
6. If you brush, rinse and gargle and floss_BOTA.But if after chewing your Pako ,you can spit the pako paste 40yards away_PAKoNESS level 10.
7. If you had underwear that had elastic bands at the waistline _BOTA. If your underwear is like the flag of Ghana and has drawstring_PAKO.
8.Finally if your home has sophiscated theft deterrent systems like barbed wires, camera, alarm system _BOTA
If thiefs are scared to scale your fence because of rumours of SHHGIDI(Wateva dat means) having been installed by your folks_PAKO.

Teacher: oxygen was not discovered until the year 1875
student: what were people using to breath before 1875
.
.
IMAN: u saved my son from drowning?
Man2: yes sir
IMAN: wel there was N250 in his pocket.

They still crack me up!