₦airaland Forum

[b][b]A True Christian

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change… As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it.’ Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it.
Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.'

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change …'

The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?'


'Yes' he replied.

'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship.
I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.
I'll see you at church on Sunday.'

When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.'

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself ‘Christian.'

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.[/b][/b]

I just want to tell you that Heaven and Hell are even more real than this physical world that we know. 

It is on earth here that you decide what direction you want to go; to spend eternity with Jesus or to a burning hell.  The Lord kept saying to us, "Without holiness no man will see me, without holiness no man will see me."  (Hebrews 12:14)

Here is a an account by a group of scientist lead by Dr Azzakoc who carried out a drilling project in Siberia

Click Here:  http://www.amightywind.com/hell/aboutsounds.htm

Enjoy this conversation between the N1000 and N10:



A well-worn One Thousand Naira note and a similarly distressed Ten Naira note arrived at the Central Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burnt, they struck up a conversation. The One Thousand Naira reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the One Thousand Naira proclaimed. "Why I've been to Lagos, Ibadan, Benin, Kano and Abuja, the finest restaurants in Victoria Island, Kaduna, Abuja and eastern Nigeria, performances at Muson Centre and Glover Hall, hottest nite clubs all over the country and even a cruise on the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans."
(My Comments: Moor house, that joint near Awolowo Road, Eko Hotel, VGC Hotel, Tera Kulture, King size, Sheraton, St. Elmos)


"Wow" said the Ten Naira. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the One Thousand, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The Ten Naira replies, "Oh, I've been to the Apostolic & Methodist Church, the Redeemed Christian Church, the Deeper Life Bible Church, Baptist Church, Anglican church, Catholic church, the C & S Church, CCC, the Lutheran Church, " (Daystar) and infact all mosques across the nation
The One Thousand Naira note interrupts, "What's a church and a Mosque?"





Please help the N1000 notes go to church dis Sunday and to Jumat this Friday!

A Preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars.
As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said,

"You are the very people I want to talk to today.

Mark has only 16 chapters."

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,


'I'm here to feed the alligator, !'

SOME OLD MEN CAN STILL THINK FAST!!!

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."



They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?



Answers from All Over:

Julius Caesar:

It came, it saw, it crossed.

Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.

Isaac Newton:

Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Darwin :

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically positioned to cross roads.

Karl Max:

It was a historical inevitability.

Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road moved beneath the chicken, depends upon your frame of reference.

Freud:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Saddam Hussein:

This crossing was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

George W. Bush:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Tony Blair:

I agree with George.



Yar’dua

Where is the chicken?



Niger Delta Militants:

The chicken only cross to get her share of national cake



Boko Haram:

To correct the abnormality on the road

Fani-Kayode:

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication calculated to embarass the Federal Government. We don't even have a chicken!

Bill Clinton:

I most certainly and unequivocally state that I did not cross the road with that chicken.



Gandhi:

Imagine all the chickens; crossing roads in peace.

WHO:

The chicken crossing will further spread Avian Flu to another unprepared country.

National Geographic:

"… and as we watch the lone chicken undertake this hazardous journey, we can only wonder at the awesome nature of this dangerous, yet necessary, migration. …"



Morpheus (Matrix):

The chicken crossed the road to get out of the Matrix. And now, the choice is yours.


Bill Gates:

We have just released the new Chicken Office 2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.



CSD Call centre:

Welcome to the Poultry Help Line. Your chicken is in a queue and will be crossing shortly.


Paris Hilton:

How could it have crossed the road? Chickens swim, they don’t walk!

The Rock (WWF):

If you saw me coming, you'd be crossing the road too!


Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I have a dream: of a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

There was this case in Kenyatta National Hospital Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at 11am, regardless
of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do
with the supernatural no one could solve the mystery, as to Why the death
at 11.AM So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go
down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11am, all doctors and
nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the
terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and all manner of sacrad
objects, perculiar to each belief, to ward off the evil, Just when the
clock struck 11, Guess what happened, !!!

Mukhobero Wepukhulu, the part-time Sunday sweeper entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system so that he could use the socket for the
vacuum cleaner.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

They laugh when monkeys do it, but when we do it , SLAP



[img]http://mon.jpg[/img]

A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the Baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing So the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt Fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent. Still no reaction. The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the Wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate, from the Labour pains


True story from the Japanese Embassy in US

Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama, The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hands with President Obama, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is, When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are you?'.) Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humour: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ' Then Mori replied 'me too.' Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

OMO NAIJA



There is this good old barber in some city in the US . One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service. "The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Nigerian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Nigerian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there, Can you guess? Do you know the answer yet? Come on, think like a Nigerian … a dozen Nigerians waiting for a free haircut

Just in case you wondered how the fight started


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,'she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife,
'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? '
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!'she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started,



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[b]INSTALLING HUSBAND V1.0!!!

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, NO MONEY 3.0 and FOTBAL 4.1 ,

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,





Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5,

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam


[/b]


for more visit: www.wonderplus..com

Test Your Brain

This is really cool.


Count every " F " in the following text:



FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS,


(SEE BELOW)



HOW MANY ?



--------------------




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--------------------------------









-------------------------------















-----------------------------------






WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.



The reasoning behind is further down.




The brain cannot process "OF".





Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.



Three is normal, four is quite rare.

fuk timaya plus terry g poster dey open post wey mey make sence

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question, which I have not been able to answer, is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once,
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, soon after, comes Suffer, ing!
Jay Leno

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise .
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

thanks