₦airaland Forum

I think the cab drivers come invariably from the hookers, sssss, mmmmm,

:d

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cab drivers come from?"




http://www.naijastudentsforum.com

Picture yourself lying naked under a sheet on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As you lie there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time. The third time this happens you say "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" The man replies, "Don't ask me. I'm just a painter!"



http://www.naijastudentsforum.com

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she’s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies,”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

“So-so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”



http://naijastudentsforum.com/nf/index.php?topic=19.0

A woman reported in a police station, I've been raped by an idiot, then d police man said how did u know he was an idiot, then d woman answered I've 2 tell him how 2 do it on Tuesday,

Once there were two friends who went in a forest for a hunt.

After a while, a lion sighted them and started giving them a hot chase.One of the friends removed his shoes while running and the other asked:" Do you think removing your shoes will make you run faster than the lion?" the other replied,"

Actually NO! it will make me run faster than YOU!




http://naijastudentsforum.com/nf/index.php?topic=17.msg17#msg17

Poke me the more sweet heart

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday.

He says, So what would you like, sweetie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She says, I want a divorce.

He says, Sorry, I wasn't planning on spending that much.

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night," he muttered.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for #50,000.

And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment: RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for #25,000 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:



Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of #25,000 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;

(2) that there was plenty of heat;

(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home


Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for #25,000 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord!

Q: Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?


A: I don't know dear, ask your father.

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do. What am I?

A Tent

Why won't it be joke Oluwaseun gave us the platform for joke, so it's THE JOKE

With barely eighteen days left to the start of a new League English season 09/10.

I have one question to ask which club would lift this glorious trophy come may 2010.

As a Man U guy, I give it to them but that's not all it takes to win it, it takes the successful team after the season matches are played.

But in all, I think, I would like MAN U to lift it again for the 4th consecutive season.


What do u think, which club would you like to lift it.


Holla Back and let me know,

A young widow bent down to weed the grasses on the grave of her dead husband, when suddenly a tall grass poked into her skirt and touched her buttocks.

she screamed "easy sweetheart, you know you are dead,

Liverpool have denied that they are close to agreeing a deal to sell Xabi Alonso to Real Madrid amid rumours that he missed the club's game against Thailand on Wednesday evening.

The Reds are locked in a struggle to keep hold of the midfield playmaker with manager Rafa Benitez insisting that the player can only leave if the Merseyside club's demands are met.

Alonso picked up an ankle injury before Liverpool's 1-1 draw in Bangkok and that led to rumours that Real Madrid had raised their bid a nd a transfer was imminent.

Instead, Liverpool have reiterated that Alonso was left out because of a knock and that no deal has been agreed.

"Xabi is with us in Singapore, and will train with the rest of the squad. He was injured ahead of the Thailand game, people can say what they like about that," a spokesman told the Press Association.

"And there has been no deal agreed with anyone for his transfer to anyone."

Real Madrid have made it clear that Alonso is their main target with new sporting director Pardeza claiming that he is one of a kind in an era where playmakers are rare.

http://naijastudentsforum.com/index.php?topic=17.0

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.


4. For most effective play, the club should be a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.


6. The object of this game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.
Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the
course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or
are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.


10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play
when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning of any
bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with
and approach to the hole.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceedat a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owner's request.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.


16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
   Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice
   CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
   pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each
   a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enough to
   drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after
   a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her
   towards the bedroom.
   
   "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it
   always ends up the same way."

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as
her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I
go, I , I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house , I spent it on a fling with your best friend
Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the
one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion, "

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one
who poisoned you."

Tell me who I am,

My salary cannot and won’t be enough to make a very good pot of soup.

I collect my salary up front on the road, which is far much greater than my salary.

I only get strong,mad and furious at innocent,defenseless and harmless citizens but get cold,weak and timid at the guilty, strong and harmful citizens.

I am the number one victim of the so-called thing I am to stand against.

Even when all things do not seem right, to me they are “all correct”,

Whenever there is a problem between the rich and the poor, I stand for the rich as they are always the high bidders even if they are right or wrong,

I give out my main weapon of operation to the one’s I am to fight against and when their evil deeds are done, we share the loot 50-50.

I go to my mission field with den/toy/hunter’s gun against a sophisticated criminal.

I am the total opposite of the things I swear to stand for.

The illiterates/recruits amongst us are far much greater than the educated and trained ones amongst us.

I watch the real people(criminals) proudly grace the television screen, hit the newspaper, magazine pages smiling at us while all I do is hail him and wish I am him/her.

By now you should have known who I am,

But if you still have not known who I am ,

I am a NIGERIAN POLICE

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and
cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"