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MY WIFE? OR MY MOM?
Close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine this, you got caught in a shipwreck, and there is only one canoe available to float ashore, and this canoe is so small, it can contain only two people, and your wife and mother are about drowning, fighting for their lives, as the waves of the ocean rises towards them in fury. You look at your wife, you remember your children and the passions you two shared, then turning again, you see your poor mother, struggling with the water and swallowing some, you remember her years of suffering, her midnight prayers and her tears, all for you…………………………………….. who will you save? Shall it be your lovely wife or your mother?
One of the issues confronting marriages in this part of the world is the friction between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and when these two parties collide, the man is left in the middle, so who is the man suppose to choose? On whose side should he stand? That my friends, is a very difficult position and one should hope never to find himself in. Who is more important then? The wife or the mother?
Your mother is very important, at least she brought you to this world, she fed you, washed your clothes, nurtured you and protected you. There are many sacrifices our mothers have made on our behalf, sacrifices so huge that no price can serve as repayment, no, she will not tell you about them, she swallows them in her belly, she cried every night while you slept comfortably in your room. She has so many secrets but kept you from their harsh realities, yes, a mother is very important. In fact, the life of any young woman ends when she has a child, she now has to focus her time and energy to the seed she has brought to life. Our mothers are our complete source of joy, reliance and a backbone that may fail to break, we are attached to her like bees to nectar until we reach full maturity, that point in your life when you have to be a man. Being a man doesn’t necessarily connote having the male organ or the ability to yell on people, being a man is when you have assumed full responsibility in all facets of your life. At this point, you need another backbone, another source of joy and reliance, in essence, another mother, A wife.
When a man agrees to marry a woman, they make plans and swear oaths of loyalty to each other, before the priest, you are made to say ‘till death do us part’, in turn the priest proclaims ‘ for this reason, a man must leave his father and mother….’ And this part too ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’. At this point, your wife becomes Supreme, she is now your queen and everyone else is second to her. Your wife may not have to make huge sacrifices like your mother, but she is in for something deeper, something scarier and quite frustrating. It is a whole new level of relations with her, unlike your mother, you are bare before her, you show her your true character, the good to the worst, you hurt her more than you do your mother, that is if you even hurt your mother. And she has so much responsibilities, she would bear your children and nurse them to maturity, she would endure your bad moods, so you see hers is a double job. Your wife is equally very important.
There are many cases where some men treat their mothers as superiors to their wives, they tell their mother everything that goes on in their marriage, they consult their mother before making and taking any important decision, they take good care of their mothers more than their wives and am asking ‘why didn’t you marry your mother’? why do you have a wife and treat her like a mere concubine?. Your wife is your queen and has a right to your respect and love. Sometimes you see the mother and son taking strolls together while the wife scurries off somewhere to hide from mama’s harsh scrutiny. Such men are not fit to be called husbands.
This daughter/mother-in law friction might never have an ending solution, but the man should be wise in his actions, let each woman know her place in your life, but no matter what you do, it’s impossible to treat them equally, there would always be some elements of ‘more than’. So it’s now left for the women to solve these problems themselves. As for the man, do not neglect your mother just because you have found another kind of love in the arms of another woman or neglect your wife because of the strong bond between you and mother, no, try adjustments and a little spice of wisdom.
To the women involved in this debacle, try understanding yourselves from your position, wives you are mothers, how would you feel if your son pushes you out of his life for another woman? And mothers, remember to give your son some space, even if he is your only child, you have had your own share of time with him allow his wife to enjoy the remaining, if you have a daughter, how would you feel if her husband treats her as inferior in comparison to his mother? Think about all these case scenarios and try adjustments in your relationship with another.
Who should a man choose between his wife or mother? I don’t know the answer to that but I would advise you to pray against such a situation but if it rears its ugly head, choose wisdom, that little voice inside your head.
By Rose Akpabio