Are you ready? Have you bought your tents? Did you pack your blankets? Pure water, soap, toothpaste or chewing stick, personally I suggest the latter. We will need to conserve water. Knowing the kind of leaders we have I reckon we may need to camp out for at least 3months. Don’t worry about food; we have paid for 5 trailer loads of gala. Unfortunately we can’t afford the fancy TFC, KFC or NANDO’s type meals. It is a struggle not a retreat, we have to manage.

If you own a portable generator, please bring it with you. I cannot guarantee electricity. You and I know the kind of country we live in. it is important our phones and laptops stay charged. We will be updating our facebook and twitter pages daily. Public sympathy is vital to our cause. The world must be kept informed of our every move. Do forgive me; I tend to jump the gun a lot. A lot of us have no idea where we’re headed.

Eagle’s square, Abuja is our destination. We shall camp out indefinitely until our leaders accede to our demands. What are our demands you ask? Well everything; constant electricity for starters, good roads, healthcare, education, security, the list is endless. We’ve tried the passive methods; newspaper publications, appeals to their conscience, prayers, fasting and yet here we are. Growing biceps like Hulk Hogan all in the name of pulling the rope that turns on our generators. Here we are buying flea infested dogs hoping to stop Mr. Armed robber.

Here we are burying our dead, because the government owned hospitals are under staffed and ill-equipped. I watched Egypt’s 18day marathon movie, I know you caught snippets of it too. The minute Mubarak resigned I celebrated. Afterwards I wept for Nigeria. How many of you didn’t laugh while you read the first two paragraphs. If you didn’t, did you for a minute take me seriously? No you did not, even I giggled as I wrote our camping list.

Let’s be painfully honest for a bit, if the Labour union announced a march to Abuja tomorrow, would you go? If they said we will not be returning until our demands are met would you come along? Are you satisfied with the way your country is being run? Are you content living paycheck to paycheck, because your expenses outweigh your income? Are you content with being lied to? A lot of Political commentators ask if what happened in Egypt can happen in Nigeria. The answer is a resounding NO!

How can they expect us to leave our generator powered homes, dog guarded compounds and tear rubber cars that lack shock absorbers no thanks to Nigerian roads? Ridiculous, who is the fool? Definitely not you or I, why in heavens name would we want to go sit in the sun for days, just because our leaders have failed us. Why would we want to inhale tear gas simply because they have not kept their promises? Never, why should we say anything when we can happily suffer in silence?

We have better things to do, we have award shows to attend, concerts to go to and green carpets to grace whilst decked out in our designer dresses. Who cares about Nigeria? Not you and definitely not me. We have more pressing matters, our leaders can continue to loot our resources and do absolutely nothing to better our nation. It’s not as if the populace is going to rise up and say enough is enough. Where do we start from? We cannot even pull off a 3day labour strike. Talk less of 18 days of nonstop protests. We do not care. We are fine just the way we are. And even if we aren’t why should we bother?

Millions of Nigerians did not even attempt the voters registration exercise, are they the ones that will protest? Never, we cannot pull an Egypt, we are not interested. Dear Leaders do not panic. Don’t even bat an eyelid, Nigerians are not the type. However we do need to save face for the international community, so we do not look like a nation of cowards, we shall hide under the cloak of being a “Peace loving people”. The fact is you and I know will always know the truth, we just don’t care.

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Oreka of the Beatfm tweeted this a few days ago “Forget your actual skills, that resume’s useless here. On this land, rules are: Kill for it, Kiss ass, Kpox for it or get ready to go home”. I saw this and was amazed by how accurately it describes the warzone that is the Entertainment industry. In pidgin parlance “man know man”. A lot of us have become arm chair critics, hurling missiles at the so called “ass kissers”. Dear reader from here on, I shall refer to this as “brown nosing”. It is easier on the eyes.
In a perfect world all you need is your box of talent or bag, how you travel is your sole prerogative. Look around you, pick up a handful of sand, yes now taste it. Does it taste like chicken? If it does, now pinch yourself really hard. Obviously you’re dreaming. Last time I checked Ghaddafi is still dancing to reggae tunes. That in itself is proof that the world we live in is far from perfect. Brown nosing is not exclusive or restricted to the Nigerian entertainment industry. It is a global phenomenon and is found in all spheres of life.
Have you ever wondered why “brown nosing” continually thrives? Do people really like the taste or smell of behinds? Surely there were radicals like you, who disdained the culture that is “brown nosing”. I am certain they also threw mountains at those who practiced it. Yet here we are, in 2011 learning new ways to kiss ass (sorry brown nose). You’re probably saying to yourself “God forbid the devil I shall never brown nose”.
I totally admire your conviction. You are the kind of people we need to kick this evil monster to the curb. Voltron! We the mere mortals hail you. A wise man once said “pick your battles carefully”. I for instance will not be challenging Dame Patience Jonathan to a bad grammar contest. We all know I can never win that fight. Does “brown nosing” make the world we live in, a better place? The answer is an emphatic NO.
The very practice of it only helps to feed the already bloated Egos of those at the top. Nowadays almost everyone has a “god complex”. Why? It is because someone out there has thoroughly imprinted their behinds with a million kisses. A lot of you say things like, brown nosers are dummies and should bury their heads in the sand. You lie! A brown noser is the clever one. You are a better musician/actor/model/dancer, yet he/she has the record deal/ job.
Do not get me wrong, people make it in the “Industry” without ditching their pride. Fact is they are few and far in between. In the defense of this “not so noble act”, some might argue, an upstart has no business holding onto self pride. I disagree self pride is a necessary commodity. At what point do you need to put your pride on the back burner? If all it will take for you to land that paying gig is a little flattery and caressing of egos, why are you wallowing in “suffer head?”
I pray every day that the world judges me solely on my Talent and not on the sweetness of my tongue. Once in a while that happens, but 70% of the time I accompany it with a little “brown nosing”. No one is asking you to compromise your values in a bid to impress. Sexual gratification is not “brown nosing” it is prostitution. Do not be deceived people know when you’re trying to score brownie points. If you play your cards right, 90% of them will oblige you.
You can sit here all day and night telling me why we should do away with it. It will not change the price of fish in the market. For as long as we are humans and we make decisions based on our emotions, brown nosing is going nowhere. People will practice and welcome this culture. Lest you judge me all I ask is, before you do; search deep within you. If you have never in your entire life, kissed ass then go on and take aim.
As with all things in life, too much of everything is bad. Which is why; 10% of the people you attempt to brown nose will have none of it. It is up to you, to use your God given common sense in determining when and to what extent you should brown nose. However if you successfully wade through life without any form of “brown nosing”, please write a book showing us earthlings “How to”. I look forward to reading it and doing away with my sweet tongue. Thank you for reading.

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