Quick update to this thread. After much consideration and giving my wife the chance to make amends, I've decided to end our marriage. We will be getting a divorce and work together on co-parenting our kids. I needed to be able to tell my kids when they're adults that I tried my best and I can say now that I did. So my conscience is clear and I can move on to the next phase of life.

One of the things I read that was important early on was that no important decisions should be made within the first 90 days. I successfully negotiated those 90 days with the attitude of working on the marriage. My wife on the other hand couldn't see past her ego and pride and was stuck on her resentment and perceived slights. After 90 days I finally decided there was nothing to hold on to anymore and that I was too valuable to wait around for my wife to choose and return to me. So I'm letting her go, let her go find her happiness elsewhere while I nurse myself back to life.

Thanks to all those that advised here. To those that were disparaging, understand thatLong-lasting decisions with serious consequences on others should never be taken in a rash manner.

Also, some people have referenced another link to a similar situation. I want to clarify that it is in no way related to me. This is an entirely different situation.

Lorayne:

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

Of course, I need therapy, no shame in admitting that and I'm going through it.

I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings here for others who may be going through similar so they can see other perspectives.

The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Certain things have happened recently that supports what many of you are saying. Yes my wife is totally gone. I don't mind accepting that but due to my kids I have a hard time letting go.

There's no version of a divorce that doesn't hurt them and I can't stand that. I'm in a very difficult place I'm not sure how to move past it.

Our kids can only have one of us as the closer parent in a divorce and we're both very close to our kids. So serious wahala dey. Na only prayer fit solve this problem.

People don't realize the upheaval that's currently happening in our societies and relationships. Many of us still have this archaic vision of what life and relationships should be. The reality is that it's 2021, we live a very modern life with technology everywhere. This means the old models of marriages and families in Africa don't really apply as they used to.

The idea for instance that men can cheat willy nilly while women can't is dead and gone. Women are now equal to men and can and should do as they please. You can't beat your wife, you can't be cruel or maltreat her just because she's a woman or because she wrongs you. No matter what she does, if she doesn't break the law, she has every right to do it just as every man also has the right to do as he pleases.

Fundamentally, I believe in this equality so i know that my partner has the right to do as she pleases. Women on the other hand I think are stepping into a new world of rights but don't fully understand the responsibilities that go with these rights. The way however to sensitize women to their newfound responsibilities is not via violence but rather persuasion. The challenge however is that women are more emotional and so the form of persuasion they need is an emotional variant. Being the betrayed partner it's difficult to offer this soft emotional persuasion but it's really the only way to go. Mixing it with some tough love also sha when boundaries are overstepped is also important. Tough love being firm with consequences when there's error and not violence or abuse.

The option of being wicked, controlling and authoritarian is not really compatible with modern relationships. Insisting on being this way will mean you as a man leave a trail of broken and unhappy people. This is my world view and while some people think it weak, if you consider it deeply you will understand the validity in it in today's world.

Anyway sha this is me just thinking aloud. I hope it makes some sense. I'm still in a holding pattern with occasional emotional outbursts. These will cool with time and I'll be able to make rational decisions. Till then, my default position is hoping we can recreate a new stable relationship.

The challenge with infidelity is that it makes you question everything. For example, someone asked what our sex life was like. I would have said good before now but after her stepping out it's hard to know. By her own admission, she didn't have issues with our sex life, if anything I wasn't getting as much as I would have liked but was ok with it. Whether she's satisfied by them, it's only her that can answer that truly. It wouldn't be uncommon however for us to make love for over an hour.

The sex with the other guy was of course a pleasurable experience for her as it's forbidden fruit and will always be impossible to compete with. Challenge now is that she has a new reference point that wasn't there before. This will make sex between us more complex as it may not ever compare to the highs of the forbidden new guy who wanted to do his best to please her. And by her account he did. So yeah, a difficult situation to be in.

The other guy is also relentless in his pursuit and actively lured and chased her knowing fully well of my existence. I also warned her of the danger of the guy so she didn't heed my warnings, so, yea, there are a lot of things to unpack. She's doing therapy now and we will soon go to counselling together to find a way to get past this hurt and chart what the new relationship will look like. Whether it will be together or apart, only time will tell.

Nancystan:
Sometimes it the hubby's fault ,i won't blame the lady. I will definitely do the same to my hubby someday...i feel so lonely ! he don't love me the way i want not even a good sex probably he is having it else that's why he could stay a whole week .i have talked and cried to change buh nothing ..

Thank you for sharing. Have you tried talking to him? What's the response?

It's about 3 weeks since I found out and it's been getting easier to deal with by the day. Today though has been a particularly difficult day emotionally. Not entirely sure why as I thought I was coping better. I'd began journaling daily, focused more on my fitness and a good diet, and continuing to be there for my kids. I'm also now more accepting of the whole situation and moving towards thinking about what's the next best step. My partner on the other hand still doesn't give a reconciliatory vibe which is what is setting me off I think. I guess also that it's a roller coaster and there will just be bad days. Have you been through infidelity? What was the first month like?

JovialJune:
I don't want to sound stone cold, but I have to say this;

The ratio of cheating wives to husbands is 30%:70%, Op is just one out of the rare instances of cheating wives. Similarly, if we are to go by the number of threads created by wives here whose husbands have side chicks and slaps it in their face constantly without remorse or regard for the wife and her feelings, and then the usual BS advice of so many men/confused women who'd advice the wife to take heart, pray for the cheating husband to change, go for counseling, pray that God should cause confusion between the side chick and husband, watch WAR ROOM and go on daily fasting, the wife should take heart and stay in the marriage becos of the kids, men are polygamous in nature etc.

Op is already aware that staying cos of kids seems like the best option, not actually rare for a man, cos it happens in the society with men keeping mum about it, but nairaland boys like to deceive themselves and boast of their online reality like the world starts and ends on the internet.

So Op should apply the bolded, see himself as the husband in the context, and hope for the best,

Goodluck.

I agree, there's definitely a double standard. The reality however is that modern marriages are a partnership of equals so what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander. Women stay and work on it for the kids, don't see why a man doing the same thing means he's a "simp".

Imagine people suggesting violence and cruelty as a response to cheating because "alpha male". May toxic masculinity not kill you people and your families. As for me, I chose differently. I may leave in the end but it will be on my own terms and in a healthy manner that considers the wellbeing of my children.

okpanachil:

Damn bro I love this . I will pray for you and your family.May God guide you in your decision making.

Thank you, we need plenty of prayers as I also believe there's a supernatural component to all of this. If I didn't believe a devil existed before, I do now. The level of evil I've seen in the last few weeks is unfathomable. But My Lord pass am and we go overcome.

"You're weak"

"You're effeminate"

"You're a simp"

The irony is I agree with this assessment of my actions too. I would have said prior to now that once adultery enters, the other partner should leave. I was ready to leave but when you have 3 small children whom you love dearly and do everything for, you have no choice but to put your ego aside. I have made it clear to my wife that our old marriage is over, we're now in the process of redefining what the new relationship will be.

To those in doubt, I am not saying divorce is off the table, it still is an option. I'm saying that it's a significant decision like that cannot be taken in the heat of the revelation of the affair. It's just been 3 weeks now so I'm still picking up the pieces. Weakness is walking away in the heat of the moment and leaving the family in jeopardy not dissimilar to what my wife did. Putting aside ego and anger to get to a workable solution is the very definition of strength.

I better not share the rest of the full situation sha because una go abuse me tire. The betrayal and disrespect were very deep but how person go do? I cannot control another person's actions and nobody has a right to mete out violence to anyone else regardless of how angry one is.

MMotimo:
Your posts show that your are a person of deep thought and one less likely to react in a reckless manner. I salute your courage and your being open like this. I’d like to think that other married men are learning from you even if they’d never admit it.

I like that you’re thinking beyond your ego to the effect of a breakup on your kids. It takes a real man to do that. People forget that there’s life after the breakup and it may not necessarily be great for both the kids and the couple. The kids did not ask to be born and they did not choose their parents’ characters / weaknesses so everything should be done to guarantee all decisions have their best interest at heart.

Ignore those describing you as simp, weak, etc. Oftentimes, it’s easy to criticize someone trying to save their relationship when you either have no relationship or what you have is worthless. Misery loves company.

I pray your marriage can be salvaged and if it doesn’t survive, at least you’ll have peace that you did your part.




***modified***

With this, it does not sound like she’s in the right emotional state right now. Even if you were to leave, I don’t think now is a good time to do so.

Thank you for your comment. You're the first person that's actually seen and acknowledged me and my point of view properly.

BKsoul:
OP, your wife is not here to defend herself, but i have a feeling you are hoarding some things probably your own shortcomings, because her brothers sucide doesn't in anyway correspond with her cheating, but if i am to advise you based on your part of the story, LET HER GO, not because you want but because she boldly and clearly wants to go.. as for you and your kids, you guys would be fine, because if she dies today, you and your kids will survive.. see her like she is dead to you. My last advice to you is do not file for divorce first... Let her do it herself..

Of course, I have a lot of shortcomings, I'm not going to pretend that's not the case. I've been negligent and inconsiderate many a time. Generally not deliberately and I try to apologize and right the wrongs where possible.

Like I've posted several times, marriage has its ups and downs as it's 2 imperfect people trying to forge a life together. What I haven't done though is have sex with another woman.

Finally, I'm afraid of all the people here that seem to think that love and commitment is something you can just turn off like a tap. It's not that easy and I of course want her to do well considering the difficult circumstances we're all in.

BKsoul:
OP, how did it start? Please be sincere, i don't want to believe that a woman you have been married to for good 10 years will have the guts to wake up to you to tell you how she boldly cheated on you and wants a divorce ... Something is seriously wrong.... So what is wrong Say it with all sincerity.

Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

TheRollingStone:


My first instinct was to ignore since it’s clear you’ve already made a decision and just looking for more approval but on a second thought, I don’t know who else might be reading and learning.

The fact that you think having Game is about sleeping around with different farm tools shows clearly, your ignorance on the term “Game”
What you refer as toxic masculinity is just the plain truth going down your throat and I understand it’s hard to swallow.

You clearly have no control over your ship and that explains a lot about the kind of man you are.
You have no power to control your wife on what to do and what not to.
But you have the power to check her and put her in her place when she crosses the line, the fact that you cried and begged your wife to cut off ties with another man instead of scolding her(non violently) proves you are weak and it’s disgusting to her, you are the head for a reason, you lead and she follows, the moment you start asking instead of taking, you’re no longer in charge of whatever you think you are in charge of.
Focus on yourself young man and do what’s best for you. Take it or leave it. It’s a cold world, only wolves survive out here.

My wife is a full-fledged adult with the right to do as she pleases. I do not have control over her and cannot control her agency. She's not a child to be scolded. Yes, I did have strong words with her to impress upon her the gravity of her actions but strong words only work to a point. In fact, the research shows that they very quickly become counterproductive so you dear sir have no idea what you are talking about.

I am indeed working on myself and will be stronger as a result. I just don't just buy these egotistic and toxic tropes many people keep parroting. It simply doesn't work in modern relationships, in fact I'd argue that it never really worked and just leaves men angry, depressed, and unfulfilled. For others who may be going through a similar thing to me, don't be afraid to bury your ego and think logically first before going for a divorce.

TheRollingStone:


You seem to already have the solution to your problem op, you may be young and successful, but you have no game, hence you are weak asf!
As a matter of fact, the weakest I’ve seen in a while, while you’re out there working for your family, an ungrateful and obviously uninterested woman is bleeping the neighborhood tout.
Think brother, think!
You claim to be worried about the kids, but deep down you have doubts if they are truly yours, but you have no balls to take control of things like a man. She even asked for a divorce after f*ckin some dude you cried and begged her to stay away from, you deserve a high five, in the face, with a plank wood

Lol at I have no game. What is this game you speak of? Is it to get women into bed. Don't worry bro, na women dey chase me, I dey turn dem down steadily.

Crying is a natural and healthy response to emotional anguish. Let go of your toxic masculinity. This man here cries and is very secure in his masculinity. If any woman is offended by it, she's the one with the problem, not the crying man who's in pain and having a natural response to emotional pain.

Of course, what's going on is painful and no I didn't beg. I pointed out the reality of what she's choosing and how foolish it is. Woman no be my problem but my 3 kids will only have one mother and I must bury my ego for their sake.

Matheusmartin:
.
You value commitment at the expense of your life and wellbeing??...

Isnt it obvious she is already out of the union??...


Bros, you dey make me vex.

Is my life at risk? No, unfaithful spouses do not go around killing their partners and the father to their 3 children who is the sole provider for them.

What are the risks to my wellbeing? Divorce puts me at a 90% chance of a mental disorder.

What are the odds that someone who's apparently 'out of the union' returns and re-commits to the marriage. Somewhere around 30 - 50%.

It's quite obvious what the logical thing to do is. So remove your emotions for a minute like I'm doing and think logically. Working to first salvage the marriage via therapy and counselling is the best initial course of action. Divorce is not running anywhere, it's still an option.

Lorayne:
ok. When you talked to her about fixing things what was her response?

Ambivalent, non-committal, not remorseful. This was shocking to me to be honest. I thought to myself that it's all over. Was ok to go ahead with the divorce but the thought of ripping apart the world of my 3 small kids couldn't let me do it. I had to persist and encourage her to go to therapy for herself first and then counselling for us both afterwards to give it a shot. I said to her that when our kids are older, they're going to ask if we tried all we could to keep the family together. We need to be able to look them in the eye and say we did. So that's why I haven't packed my stuff and moved out yet. I was very close to doing it but it wouldn't have been the wisest thing to do. It might yet happen but I know I have to give it time and make decisions with a clear head.

Lorayne:
not when infidelity is involved.... African men can take a lot of shit but not infidelity.





One more question... How was your sex life?

Thats' what you think. Nobody ever says what really goes on in their marriage. You think you know from the outside, you have no idea.

We didn't have issues with our sex life, again by her own admission. Not that it's an excuse if we did. There are ways to solve problems that don't include unapologetically cheating.

Matheusmartin:
.
You can be rich, attractive and doing well and still be a simp.

Reading your write up dey make me vex..

Lol, 'simp' ke!

Some people value commitment you know and stick to the promises they make even when it's difficult.

jesmond3945:
thank you brother for answering. Your absence during hustling created a vacuum another man filled. I think you should leave her. Dont give her divorce, manage the situation just for the kids. One thing you have to know is that your kind of wife wants your presence more than the money you provide. If you married a woman who loves money, she would have used your money to console herself and not cheat. I think women don't actually know what they want.

I'm just in a holding pattern now and seeing how things go. She's doing therapy and I'm learning to manage my emotions. Some days are better than others but on the whole, I'm better at self-regulating. I view all of this as an opportunity to build my own self. I'm looking inwards, building mental strength and increasing my resilience. I know I will need it for the future.

Lorayne:

You re too nice. Probably why she cheated... Women don't really like nice guys... They prefer the bad boys. It's obvious no matter what advice you re given you'll still want to work things out. She already told you she wants out. Don't try to force it. Let her go. If she tries to work things out it's because of pity not because she wants to

I would definitely be more a "nice guy" than a "bad boy". Bad boys don't make particularly good husbands or fathers though. So while the bad boy may be fun, it always ends in tears.

Lorayne:

Are you living in Nigeria?... Because all this your research and evidences only apply to western marriages, not African.

Well, Africans are even less likely to divorce and we know how much we all love sex whether premarital, marital or extra-marital. So not sure the point you're trying to make is well served by the comment you've made.

eduj:

it seems you cheat too or you're financially dependent on her . You just sound so accepting of the fact,almost as if you're low on confidence

Lol, I run a business that's worth millions of dollars. I don't have sex with other women either.

Yes, I am approaching acceptance as I know it's to my benefit to accept what's going on, forgive and move past it. I'm under no illusion as to the state of the marriage. Yes, it's ended. The question is what kind of new relationship we will build. We have kids together so we must build a relationship whether we like it or not. It may be marriage, may not be marriage, what I can't do is react without careful consideration of the full picture and that picture can only be painted well over time.

Lorayne:

Please, don't think of saving this marriage. I beg you. She doesn't love you no more and she'll definitely cheat again. Your kids will be just fine. You can have shared custody.



It's obvious she doesn't respect you. Pls grow some balls and divorce that woman.

Yes it was clear disrespect and it's evident there's no love there anymore. Likelihood is also that she'll cheat again. Despite all this, the evidence suggests that it's worth trying to mend things via therapy.

The reality in life is that many marriages suffer from infidelity. 60% of men and 40% of women cheat in marriages apparently. This doesn't always spell the end of the marriage however as about 70% of marriages that go to counselling end up staying together. Also when you survey couples 5 years after they initially report feeling unhappy about their marriage, the vast majority of them later on report being happy in their marriage. On the other hand with divorce, up to 90% of divorcees report ongoing mental health problems. Kids from divorced homes also have a higher risk of every type of social and emotional poor outcome under the sun.

So while the knee jerk thing to do is to want to leave the marriage, the reality is that one is substituting one problem for another. So it's always worth a shot trying to salvage what's left of the marriage. So contrary to what many of you may think, the ballsy thing to do is to stay, be patient and try to work things out. If after a decent effort, things are still crappy then by all means it's time to leave. That work must first be done though.

With regards to being poisoned, this is not a Nollywood movie, people don't go around poisoning their betrayed spouse. If they did, there'd be way more dead spouses than we have now. There's clear research on the mindset of a cheater and affairs that explains all the behavior succintly. It's not right, but there is a psychology behind it and it is possible to move past it. Look up "limerence" for instance. There's lots of research and evidence on exactly what I'm facing. I've chosen to learn about it and it's clear that the best initial response it to take a shot to try to salvage the marriage.

My goal in starting this topic is to find a place to vent and release some of the emotional energy and potentially connect with others who've been through something similar and see how they managed.

jesmond3945:
you have not answered the question, have you cheated on your wife ever before?
Question number 2, have you laid your hands on your wife ever before?
Question 3, do you have a love child somewhere else?
Final question, have you had course to be away from her through distance or you neglected her needs due to work stress?
Answer truthfully.

As I said, every marriage has its ups and downs. I haven't done anything untoward as to warrant this outcome, the choice to cheat is entirely on her. The bottom line is that I've always had an open demeanour and willingness to work on the marriage. If she had concerns, we could always have resolved them without the need for this nuclear option. So to answer your question, I haven't had sex with someone else, I don't beat anybody, I don't have a love child, I am the sole income earner for my household so yes I've had to be away for long periods occasionally to earn income for the family. Over Covid, however, I've been fully present.

Donpenny:
Grant her wish, move on, free your mind, refresh and seek for fun and happiness by so doing you'll become more youthful and energetic. Look for fresh baby to satisfy your sexual urge whenever you need to. Save some of your family pictures with the kids and their mother somewhere safe, your're gonna need them to convince your kids when time comes to reclaimed them. Let her go with the kids for the meantime because they are still small they will stress you . Let them stay with their mother but be checking on them occasionally. Live your life to the fullest. Be a real niga

I am a fully involved father. I shower my kids daily in the morning, I drop them at school, I pick them up after school myself. I cook for them often, I read to them every night. I know their teachers, their friends, their favourite things and what they don't like. This your formula will not work.

arzizhy:


You are going to heal brother. I was in this situation 10 months ago.
I am in a better place now.

What was your experience like? Care to share?

olabrinks:
Have you ever cheated on her?
What is your communication level like ?
Does she seem to be going through a phase of boredom?
Your marriage can still be revived, but it needs the effort of both parties. A lot of men have experienced infidelity on the women’s part and have quietly resolved issues and moved on with their family in tact. Women rarely cheat for no reason, you really need to dig deep and find out what the issue is before taking any further action.

I have an issue with the idea that women rarely cheat for no reason. Of course, every marriage has its ups and downs, does that justify cheating? What's the point of a vow and commitment then?

If you want to end a marriage, cheating is not the way to do it. End it the right way then go off with whoever you want to go off with. If you feel neglected or offended. Seek help with communicating well and if it doesn't work, leave. Cheating unapologetically makes the situation 10 times worse not better.

A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.

2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.