|Join Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New|
Stats: 2,691,959 members, 6,343,185 topics. Date: Thursday, 17 June 2021 at 09:39 AM
My Wife's Sister Is About To Crash My Marriage, Please Help / Zimbabwean Man Takes Used Condoms To Court As Prove Of Sister Inlaw’s Infidelity / Infidelity: Wives, Mistresses’ Fights Get Messier, Spill To Social Media (pics) (2) (3) (4)
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:02pm On May 26|
I am a fully involved father. I shower my kids daily in the morning, I drop them at school, I pick them up after school myself. I cook for them often, I read to them every night. I know their teachers, their friends, their favourite things and what they don't like. This your formula will not work.
2 Likes 1 Share
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:07pm On May 26|
As I said, every marriage has its ups and downs. I haven't done anything untoward as to warrant this outcome, the choice to cheat is entirely on her. The bottom line is that I've always had an open demeanour and willingness to work on the marriage. If she had concerns, we could always have resolved them without the need for this nuclear option. So to answer your question, I haven't had sex with someone else, I don't beat anybody, I don't have a love child, I am the sole income earner for my household so yes I've had to be away for long periods occasionally to earn income for the family. Over Covid, however, I've been fully present.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:23pm On May 26|
Yes it was clear disrespect and it's evident there's no love there anymore. Likelihood is also that she'll cheat again. Despite all this, the evidence suggests that it's worth trying to mend things via therapy.
The reality in life is that many marriages suffer from infidelity. 60% of men and 40% of women cheat in marriages apparently. This doesn't always spell the end of the marriage however as about 70% of marriages that go to counselling end up staying together. Also when you survey couples 5 years after they initially report feeling unhappy about their marriage, the vast majority of them later on report being happy in their marriage. On the other hand with divorce, up to 90% of divorcees report ongoing mental health problems. Kids from divorced homes also have a higher risk of every type of social and emotional poor outcome under the sun.
So while the knee jerk thing to do is to want to leave the marriage, the reality is that one is substituting one problem for another. So it's always worth a shot trying to salvage what's left of the marriage. So contrary to what many of you may think, the ballsy thing to do is to stay, be patient and try to work things out. If after a decent effort, things are still crappy then by all means it's time to leave. That work must first be done though.
With regards to being poisoned, this is not a Nollywood movie, people don't go around poisoning their betrayed spouse. If they did, there'd be way more dead spouses than we have now. There's clear research on the mindset of a cheater and affairs that explains all the behavior succintly. It's not right, but there is a psychology behind it and it is possible to move past it. Look up "limerence" for instance. There's lots of research and evidence on exactly what I'm facing. I've chosen to learn about it and it's clear that the best initial response it to take a shot to try to salvage the marriage.
My goal in starting this topic is to find a place to vent and release some of the emotional energy and potentially connect with others who've been through something similar and see how they managed.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 9:38pm On May 26|
Bhus21:You re too nice. Probably why she cheated... Women don't really like nice guys... They prefer the bad boys. It's obvious no matter what advice you re given you'll still want to work things out. She already told you she wants out. Don't try to force it. Let her go. If she tries to work things out it's because of pity not because she wants to
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 9:39pm On May 26|
Bhus21:Are you living in Nigeria?... Because all this your research and evidences only apply to western marriages, not African.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Hashabiah: 9:41pm On May 26|
Uyoukowise:Who are you referring to?
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:44pm On May 26|
Lol, I run a business that's worth millions of dollars. I don't have sex with other women either.
Yes, I am approaching acceptance as I know it's to my benefit to accept what's going on, forgive and move past it. I'm under no illusion as to the state of the marriage. Yes, it's ended. The question is what kind of new relationship we will build. We have kids together so we must build a relationship whether we like it or not. It may be marriage, may not be marriage, what I can't do is react without careful consideration of the full picture and that picture can only be painted well over time.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:46pm On May 26|
Well, Africans are even less likely to divorce and we know how much we all love sex whether premarital, marital or extra-marital. So not sure the point you're trying to make is well served by the comment you've made.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by jesmond3945: 9:47pm On May 26|
Bhus21:thank you brother for answering. Your absence during hustling created a vacuum another man filled. I think you should leave her. Dont give her divorce, manage the situation just for the kids. One thing you have to know is that your kind of wife wants your presence more than the money you provide. If you married a woman who loves money, she would have used your money to console herself and not cheat. I think women don't actually know what they want.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:48pm On May 26|
I would definitely be more a "nice guy" than a "bad boy". Bad boys don't make particularly good husbands or fathers though. So while the bad boy may be fun, it always ends in tears.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by AmazonTopaz(f): 9:49pm On May 26|
Lorayne:Biko I like nice men.I don't like bad boys don't speak for all women.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:52pm On May 26|
I'm just in a holding pattern now and seeing how things go. She's doing therapy and I'm learning to manage my emotions. Some days are better than others but on the whole, I'm better at self-regulating. I view all of this as an opportunity to build my own self. I'm looking inwards, building mental strength and increasing my resilience. I know I will need it for the future.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Matheusmartin: 9:52pm On May 26|
You can be rich, attractive and doing well and still be a simp.
Reading your write up dey make me vex..
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by armyofone(m): 9:54pm On May 26|
Grant her the divorce and you guys move on.
No apology means it wasn't a mistake but she isn't interested in the marriage anymore..
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 9:54pm On May 26|
AmazonTopaz:Sorry, ma'am. Most women then.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 9:57pm On May 26|
Bhus21:not when infidelity is involved.... African men can take a lot of shit but not infidelity.
One more question... How was your sex life?
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:58pm On May 26|
Lol, 'simp' ke!
Some people value commitment you know and stick to the promises they make even when it's difficult.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 10:01pm On May 26|
Thats' what you think. Nobody ever says what really goes on in their marriage. You think you know from the outside, you have no idea.
We didn't have issues with our sex life, again by her own admission. Not that it's an excuse if we did. There are ways to solve problems that don't include unapologetically cheating.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 10:04pm On May 26|
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 10:13pm On May 26|
Ambivalent, non-committal, not remorseful. This was shocking to me to be honest. I thought to myself that it's all over. Was ok to go ahead with the divorce but the thought of ripping apart the world of my 3 small kids couldn't let me do it. I had to persist and encourage her to go to therapy for herself first and then counselling for us both afterwards to give it a shot. I said to her that when our kids are older, they're going to ask if we tried all we could to keep the family together. We need to be able to look them in the eye and say we did. So that's why I haven't packed my stuff and moved out yet. I was very close to doing it but it wouldn't have been the wisest thing to do. It might yet happen but I know I have to give it time and make decisions with a clear head.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 10:17pm On May 26|
Bhus21:Well, goodluck. Wouldn't want to be in your shoes, man. Reason why I'm never getting married. And please, do a DNA test on your kids. You can't be sure how long she's been cheating.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Matheusmartin: 10:20pm On May 26|
You value commitment at the expense of your life and wellbeing??...
Isnt it obvious she is already out of the union??...
Bros, you dey make me vex.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by TheRollingStone: 10:23pm On May 26|
You seem to already have the solution to your problem op, you may be young and successful, but you have no game, hence you are weak asf!
As a matter of fact, the weakest I’ve seen in a while, while you’re out there working for your family, an ungrateful and obviously uninterested woman is bleeping the neighborhood tout.
Think brother, think!
You claim to be worried about the kids, but deep down you have doubts if they are truly yours, but you have no balls to take control of things like a man. She even asked for a divorce after f*ckin some dude you cried and begged her to stay away from, you deserve a high five, in the face, with a plank wood
11 Likes 3 Shares
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 10:27pm On May 26|
Is my life at risk? No, unfaithful spouses do not go around killing their partners and the father to their 3 children who is the sole provider for them.
What are the risks to my wellbeing? Divorce puts me at a 90% chance of a mental disorder.
What are the odds that someone who's apparently 'out of the union' returns and re-commits to the marriage. Somewhere around 30 - 50%.
It's quite obvious what the logical thing to do is. So remove your emotions for a minute like I'm doing and think logically. Working to first salvage the marriage via therapy and counselling is the best initial course of action. Divorce is not running anywhere, it's still an option.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 10:33pm On May 26|
Lol at I have no game. What is this game you speak of? Is it to get women into bed. Don't worry bro, na women dey chase me, I dey turn dem down steadily.
Crying is a natural and healthy response to emotional anguish. Let go of your toxic masculinity. This man here cries and is very secure in his masculinity. If any woman is offended by it, she's the one with the problem, not the crying man who's in pain and having a natural response to emotional pain.
Of course, what's going on is painful and no I didn't beg. I pointed out the reality of what she's choosing and how foolish it is. Woman no be my problem but my 3 kids will only have one mother and I must bury my ego for their sake.
12 Likes 1 Share
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by YungMillionaire: 10:43pm On May 26|
You don't support divorce then what do you support? Should he kill her instead? Will that be more acceptable to you than divorce?
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by TheRollingStone: 10:49pm On May 26|
My first instinct was to ignore since it’s clear you’ve already made a decision and just looking for more approval but on a second thought, I don’t know who else might be reading and learning.
The fact that you think having Game is about sleeping around with different farm tools shows clearly, your ignorance on the term “Game”
What you refer as toxic masculinity is just the plain truth going down your throat and I understand it’s hard to swallow.
You clearly have no control over your ship and that explains a lot about the kind of man you are.
You have no power to control your wife on what to do and what not to.
But you have the power to check her and put her in her place when she crosses the line, the fact that you cried and begged your wife to cut off ties with another man instead of scolding her(non violently) proves you are weak and it’s disgusting to her, you are the head for a reason, you lead and she follows, the moment you start asking instead of taking, you’re no longer in charge of whatever you think you are in charge of.
Focus on yourself young man and do what’s best for you. Take it or leave it. It’s a cold world, only wolves survive out here.
5 Likes 1 Share
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by BKsoul(f): 10:50pm On May 26|
Hashabiah:why are you hellbent on telling him about divorce, he has told you how much he doesn't want divorce but still you wont rest. Do you know if OP has done worst than his wife did? Ask OP what happened that made his wife boldly tell him how she cheated on him, and that she wants a divorce.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Hashabiah: 10:54pm On May 26|
BKsoul:It seems you did not read his story. Kindly read it before passing comment.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by BKsoul(f): 10:54pm On May 26|
Bhus21:OP, how did it start? Please be sincere, i don't want to believe that a woman you have been married to for good 10 years will have the guts to wake up to you to tell you how she boldly cheated on you and wants a divorce ... Something is seriously wrong.... So what is wrong Say it with all sincerity.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by BKsoul(f): 10:56pm On May 26|
Hashabiah:Go back and read his read his replies to your pages of divorce advices to you, then you rest.
|Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Hashabiah: 10:57pm On May 26|
|Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health |
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket
Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2021 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 270