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My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity - Family (9) - Nairaland

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Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 8:34am On May 30
Certain things have happened recently that supports what many of you are saying. Yes my wife is totally gone. I don't mind accepting that but due to my kids I have a hard time letting go.

There's no version of a divorce that doesn't hurt them and I can't stand that. I'm in a very difficult place I'm not sure how to move past it.

Our kids can only have one of us as the closer parent in a divorce and we're both very close to our kids. So serious wahala dey. Na only prayer fit solve this problem.

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 8:38am On May 30
Bhus21:
Certain things have happened recently that supports what many of you are saying. Yes my wife is totally gone. I don't mind accepting that but due to my kids I have a hard time letting go.

There's no version of a divorce that doesn't hurt them and I can't stand that. I'm in a very difficult place I'm not sure how to move past it.

Our kids can only have one of us as the closer parent in a divorce and we're both very close to our kids. So serious wahala dey. Na only prayer fit solve this problem.
Kids kids kids kids..... There re kids from broken homes that re doing just fine, man.

5 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by ABANGWABOI(m): 10:53am On May 30
Lorayne:

Kids kids kids kids..... There re kids from broken homes that re doing just fine, man.


No mind the idiot..

6 Likes 1 Share

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Winneygirl(f): 12:18pm On May 30
efficiencie:


...there is nothing salvageable in the marriage...if the lady could sleep with someone, boldly declare that she did it and ask for a divorce, then they have had all the communication necessary and the marriage is already terminated...the man needs to let her go, dedicate sufficient time to healing, join functional social groups that would be a good buffer for him and move on!

Well... that is the man's decision, not ours.
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Klass99(f): 6:34pm On May 30
Lorayne:

Kids kids kids kids..... There re kids from broken homes that re doing just fine, man.

I told him something similar on Page 7 o! I don't know why we make everything about kids in this part of the world, my children this, my children that.

Meanwhile, some of these children parents want to kill themselves for, grow up into nightmares causing misery, heartache and pain to these same parents who were ready to move heaven and earth for them.

Imagine a 17 year old boy jacking his father by the collar, shaking him like a rag doll and landing a blow on his lips which cut him and another one charging towards his mother like a bull ready to attack her, while she ran into the house and locked the door. These are even mild cases sef, I've heard and seen worse. Yet, some parents will not allow someone hear word with utterances like - my children must not suffer, my children are my all.

I am watching Blood Relatives on Investigation Discovery as I write this and today's episode is about 2 brothers (24 & 22) who murdered their parents for inheritance. They lacked nothing, were sincerely loved and well provided for by their parents, the murder was so brutal I skipped some parts to avoid the graphic photos.

You may be thinking white people are just sick like that, but remember even scripture says the human heart is desperately wicked. Evil cuts across all races!

Make una dey take am easy with this feverish frenzy over children, they may not care for or about you, the way you do. And las las they will be alright, a divorce can't be worse than child sexual abuse on a child's psyche nah!

Me sef, this OP don dey vex me with his negative talk about how his kids will suffer. Did your kids tell you they will suffer or you're just here projecting your own fears onto them?
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 6:04am On May 31
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

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Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by crackhaus: 8:05am On May 31
Mtcheeeeeeeww...

2 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Lorayne(m): 9:39am On May 31
crackhaus:
Mtcheeeeeeeww...
Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

6 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:48am On May 31
Lorayne:

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.

Of course, I need therapy, no shame in admitting that and I'm going through it.

I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings here for others who may be going through similar so they can see other perspectives.

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Bhus21: 9:52am On May 31
Also, some people have referenced another link to a similar situation. I want to clarify that it is in no way related to me. This is an entirely different situation.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Belafonte(m): 11:21pm On May 31
Bhus21:
2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.

I hate to say this, but you are too civilized. And I'm not saying you should harm or hurt her. You make too many allowances for others and unscrupulous people like your wife will take advantage of that.

Your wife obviously thinks you're a weak man, and if there's anything women detest it's weakness in men. I assure you that she would accord you more respect if you had headbutted her when she owned up to having the affair and dragged her by her hair or even thrown her out in the middle of the night.

Come to think of it, how did you find out she was seeing someone else, was she so careless about it or did she even want you to find out? How come you found out she was still communicating with this fellow just barely 2 days after? She couldn't even be bothered to be really sneaky?

You're boring to her and women cannot stand boring. You even begged her for forgiveness after she cheated on you. or what do you think the silly 6 month commitment you "extracted" is?

Oga, your wife no rate you. At least rate yourself

3 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Belafonte(m): 11:23pm On May 31
bukatyne:


Same Jesus who said adultery (or unfaithfulness/fornication) is a ground for divorce also forgave an actual adulterous wife that was caught in the act.

In essence, it is not compulsory to divorce after adultery. It is the poster's choice to (forgive and divorce) or (forgive and stay).


Was Jesus her husband? Did he tell her husband to for her one more chance? grin

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Belafonte(m): 11:26pm On May 31
Bhus21:
A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.


Lol. You're a troll

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Aurelius1(m): 12:34am On Jun 01
Ishilove:

A great many of them, majority in fact are not even married so it is very easy to condemn a man trying his best to salvage a very bad marital situation. You should know by now that the singles on Nairaland are the most vocal and opinionated on marital issues.
What's there to salvage in a marriage that's as good as dead? His wife cheated and told him so without any remorse and at the same time asked for a divorce then he suddenly goes on bended knees begging her to stay because of the kids .........absolute rubbish!!! You all advising him to stay don't know how it feels like living with a woman whose heart yearns for another man. Like I said earlier, op should salvage any little respect he has left by taking a walk. If he comes from the any of the Niger Delta tribes and eventually forgive and continue eating her food and sleeping with her, he won't last a year unless sacrifices are made to appease the ancestors. I have seen countless number of men die because issues like this.

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by DUNKA(m): 10:14am On Jun 01
Pierocash:
Take those kids for paternity test to ascertain you aren't fathering another man's children.
Na God reveal this to you. this should be the 1st step
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by crackhaus: 6:55pm On Jun 01
Lorayne:

Real mtcheeeeew!


The guy is delusional. He's the only one that needs therapy. Not his wife.
I don't even believe there's a 'he' behind that username.
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Zehner(f): 7:44pm On Jun 01
Let me tell you the children you are trying to protect can sense all that is happening.
Infact I can assure you that they know more than you assume.... It would be tough but they will come around eventually.

Now to you, when a woman says she’s done, she is done , she’s made up her mind and is ready for any consequences.

I think you should channel your energy in making yourself happy and find ways to make it easy on the kids if they are yours.

Shalom!

Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

2 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by khia: 4:20am On Jun 06
djon78:


E be like say na akata(black American you dey marry) or someone from a serious dis functional crisis ridden home

Because for two of her brothers to comitt suicide means that they seriously have deep issues
And she has been even asking you for divorce before

Also am sure, you must have seen her character traits maybe even prior to marriage but you felt you were a nice guy and can love her to change which is the problem with people like you, having god complex
But the issue is you can't change anyone
People already carry there personalities
Only God can change people that are willing to change

But when it comes to marriage, especially from the place I come from. There is proper scrutiny especially from the family you are prospecting to marry from, whether there are some patterns in there character and attitude
And once there is comma
It's a no no

Marriage is not something to be played with. It involves life's and generation's


But most people claim modern and woke men

Anyway it's your Cross to carry
May the good Lord help you

How do you equate her behavior to Black Americans?
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Ana234(f): 9:12am On Jun 10
Pierocash:
what is salvageable in adulterous marriage?

What is salvageable in a marriage where the slut boldly told him she has slept with him,and want a divorce?


Whenever issues of infidelity are mentioned,the way female folks tend to trivialize it makes me know almost all of them are culprits
why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by efficiencie(m): 9:52am On Jun 10
Ana234:
why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.

Only a fool will tell her to pray...when a man has slept with another woman and told his wife boldly about it and asks for a divorce, it is better for the wife of leave that man or else her life could be in danger! Cheating and being bold about it is a sign of sheer hatred and while, yes, I advocate that couples be prayerful but prayers should come before it gets to this stage...no amount of boiling or freezing can restore the freshness of decaying food...
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Nonexisting: 10:15am On Jun 10
This kind of simpism can be contagious so let me get out of here.

1 Like

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Nezzjnr: 2:22pm On Jun 10
olabrinks:
Have you ever cheated on her?
What is your communication level like ?
Does she seem to be going through a phase of boredom?
Your marriage can still be revived, but it needs the effort of both parties. A lot of men have experienced infidelity on the women’s part and have quietly resolved issues and moved on with their family in tact. Women rarely cheat for no reason, you really need to dig deep and find out what the issue is before taking any further action.
You are crazy
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by efficiencie(m): 12:50pm On Jun 11
Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Love waxes and wanes? Then it was never love. This is the problem with humanity. Always confusing transcient and fickle feelings for love. If she truly loved she will be eager to learn. If she truly loved she would submit to be groomed. If she truly loved she would be a better wife in a matter of weeks...love will drive her to become an indispensable force in her home. Love is enough. And when both the husband and wife truly love the result is sheer perfection. Many of us just don't know what love is. Love is a nature. When your very nature is love quarrels are easily resolved, compromise is easily reached, positions easily shift and marriage becomes more resilient to the toughest of situations! But when we confused mere feelings with love we get all the nonsense we see today and blame it all on "love not being enough" when in actual fact we barely know what "love" means.

In most divorces, if not all, love was never present right from the start...the so called marriage was just driven by the alignment of interests and nothing more and when those interests no longer align the couples start giving excuses for horrendous behavior...that is when the wife will say the reason she cheated was because her husband wasn't satisfying her and her husband will say the reason he beat her up beyond recognition was because she was too provocative! There will always be a reason for terrible behavior and none will acknowledge his or her fault! Love is always enough, we just don't know what love really is!
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by food4tot: 6:06pm On Jun 11
Bhus21:
The challenge with Nairalanders and Nigerians, in general, is that we like to delight in ignorance. So let me help educate you in a small way. There are broadly 2 types of marriages. High conflict and low conflict ones. High conflict is where there's abuse, violence, and constant fighting. Low conflict marriages are the opposite. In the latter things are generally calm and happy with occasional bouts of arguments.

In high conflict marriages, divorce can be a good thing for the kids as it removes them from a highly charged situation. For low-conflict marriages on the other hand, divorce is devastating to the kids. This is because the kids see mum and dad as happy, stable and loving. When they then hear suddenly that the family is breaking apart it devastates them. They then have to deal with a lifetime of insecurity. They develop serious emotional challenges that put them at risk of so many adverse outcomes that are too numerous to mention. Just google 'divorce effect on kids'.

Now kids didn't ask to be born, parents choose to bring them into the world. To so violently take away their stability because parents couldn't put aside their ego to at least try to work out their issues is the most cruel and unfair thing one could do. So if there are kids from broken homes doing just fine, I can assure you that if there were from low-conflict homes that broke up, they would be doing so much better if their parents worked out their issues.

I think many of us in this age don't truly understand what marriage and parenting is about. I think my wife falls into this category actually and I didn't do a good enough job to teach her. I underestimated her limited understanding and thought love would get us through. Well as it turns out, love waxes and wanes. What keeps you going is understanding the commitment you made and working hard to protect it.

A small example is talking about marital problems outside. This should never be done. Only discuss your marriage with your spouse or a trusted counsellor when things are too difficult. Sharing everywhere with everybody is a recipe for disaster.

Wow, this is deep. You are a mature being and I really want to help but I'm not sure how.
Bottom line is this, your wife prefers her male friend and believes she can have it better with him. Most of us humans wants whats good for us. We weigh the consequences and make the jump. Sometimes our judgement is flawed and we face the consequences.

I wouldn't want you to try and win her back because she can fall into the same temptation, another man could still sweep her off her feet.

I have a question for you though
Have you ever cheated on her?
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Pierocash(m): 6:23pm On Jun 12
Ana234:
why are you this pained? If this complain is coming from a woman, you might tell her to pray for her marriage. Nothing is wrong if you also advise the man on what to do to save his marriage. They have kids together.
continue raising shoulders with men. When you are been thrown out of your matrimonial home because of adultery,then you will realise we aren't equal

2 Likes

Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Ana234(f): 7:30am On Jun 13
Pierocash:
continue raising shoulders with men. When you are been thrown out of your matrimonial home because of adultery,then you will realise we aren't equal
I am only suggesting they work on their marriage, nobody is claiming equality here, try to read without sentiment.
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by Raalsalghul: 7:36am On Jun 13
ABANGWABOI:



No mind the idiot..

I'm beginning to think the Op is a troll.
Re: My Ongoing Experience Recovering From My Wife's Infidelity by ABANGWABOI(m): 11:27pm On Jun 13
Raalsalghul:


I'm beginning to think the Op is a troll.

Lol

I swear..

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