₦airaland Forum

LITTLE JOHNNY IN CHURCH

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.

"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.

"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question,

"Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.

Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.

"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question.

"What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"

But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!"

TYPES OF WEBMASTERS

Joe/Jane Average College Student
Traits :
Owner of a new university-supplied computer account with http access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references to beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college buddies (high school, if freshman Student).

The Good News :
They don't know how to get their page linked to the outside world, so only they and their friends download their 16.7-million- color pictures from the last party.

The Bad News :
They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color pictures might be on your server.

Mr. "Enhanced For Netscape"
Traits :
The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo and a link to an ftp site where you can download Netscape NOW!. The first thing you see is about 80 different TITLE's scrolling back and forth across your screen.

The Good News :
You won't have to look at their pages for long, because there won't be much there to see.

The Bad News :
Half of the rest of the people who look at their pages are going to think "Hey, that's cool!" and copy the source.

The Old-Timer
Traits :
Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few attribute tags. Normal-text-size message at top says "This page not enhanced for Netscape. Cope, whipper-snapper."

The Good News :
He's likely there because he has something of importance to say.

The Bad News :
Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too technical for you.

The 5-Year-Old
Traits :
Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More data about the daily life of a kindergartener than you thought possible. Cute "kiddy-talk" dialect to the text. ADDRESS contains the note "such-and-such's mother helped her build this page."

The Good News :
The first few of these you see give you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

The Bad News :
The last few dozen of these you see all look the same.

The Computer Science Major
Traits :
Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme music and DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements. Picture of Darth Vader instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0 (Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom of her page.

The Good News :
If you're a geek, you'll find what you're looking for here. Even if you're not, you'll like the page design.

The Bad News :
Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities. Unfortunate tendency to upload specs of their home PC.

The Businessman
Traits :
Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice, clean, imagemap. Unfortunately, there are no text-links for those using Lynx.

The Good News :
You won't go blind staring at his pages.

The Bad News :
You might wish you had once you see the prices of the goods/services he's offering.

The Newbie
Traits :
Very little created text on their pages, it's almost all links to other people's pages. Missing right brackets in A HREF's kill whole lines of information. Several image files are not able to be loaded.

The Good News :
They'll almost have to get better.

The Bad News :
They just might not.

The Egotist
Traits :
Large image of themself greets you when page is loading. 1/2 Meg .au file of him chatting with his dog. Access counts shown for every page. Several lengthy pages devoted to his compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection. More personal details than you'd ever want to know.

The Good News :
There isn't any.

The Bad News :
Frequently friendly with Mr. "Enhanced for Netscape."

The Maniac
Traits :
Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html directory and 100+ CGI scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known as a "Close Personal Friend of Bob [Allison]." Thinks the people at Yahoo! "don't keep up with the Web fast enough. " Will be the first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his brain.

The Good News :
You could go through all his pages and never find an error.

The Bad News :
You'd never make it through all his pages

PLASTIC SURGERY IS NOT THAT GREAT

A 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

PLASTIC SURGERY IS NOT THAT GREAT

A 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

SAND , AGAIN?!

Kelvin comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,

"What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Kelvin.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Kelvin overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Kelvin, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Kelvin.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Kelvin, and Kelvin crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Kelvin doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Kelvin sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."