₦airaland Forum

I need 5 flatbed trucks for haulage within Lagos. Pls msg me on 08034943724 for more info.

Pls, I need as a matter of urgency TEN 30-ton trucks to move some cargo daily between Lagos and Ogun. I need the info like yesterday! Thank you very much.

I got the message too and I'm trying to find out if they're real or anoda scam.

@OP. How did you know the writer is Yoruba? I've read the post a nos of times and I couldn't find anywhere he/she divulged his tribe. Or do you know the writer personally?

Lol!!! I'm really laughing out loud as I write this.

Mehn!!! Some people won't kill person in this Lagos sha.

Choi! Yoruba girls ehn... I tire o. They just know how to fall one's hands. So many funny things about them but not today. I just wanna write about something that I witnessed some moments ago.

So I decided to take a break from work to go take a drink at a shop nearby. My inexplicable craving for soft drinks these last 2 weeks has been well documented.

As I stepped into the shop,I saw that the Shop-attendant, a Yoruba girl, had company... The kind of Ibo boy Illbliss would be proud of. The Ibo boy was light-complexioned the way Ibo boys tended to be light-complexioned.

Considering the ebony darkness of the shop attendant,it was a curious sight. I ordered for my Sprite and sat down to sip the ice-cold liquid. I really wanted to mind my business as I already know where these kinds of association end up so I tried so hard not to pay attention to what they were saying which was about who was better at what language. Then the Yoruba girl said she was learning to speak Igbo so the Ibo dude decided to put her through an Ndigbo-style spelling bee.

I did all I could to keep a straight face all through but the moment I could take it no longer,I paid up,stepped out and burst into laughter.

This was the conversation I picked up that sent me reeling with laughter...

Yoruba girl: ...honestly, I'm learning your language.

Ibo boy: Okay. Should I try you with some ibo words to spell?

Yoruba girl: Oya naa.

Ibo boy: Oya, spell ARUCHUKWU

(The girl wrote on a piece of paper and wanted to hand it over to the dude)

Ibo Boy: No! No! Spell it out let me hear. (Maybe the scope man no fit read)

Yoruba girl: Okay... R-U... (Thank God I didn't have the drink in my mouth, I would have choked on it)

(She realised her error,perhaps cos of the look on Ibo Boy's face)

Sorry,sorry! Let me start again... A-R-U-S-U

Ibo Boy: (cuts in) Wait wait... Can u start again?

(Trust your guy naa,I kept a straight face while paying attention to a diamond in my drink)

Yoruba girl: A-R-U-S-U...

Ibo Boy: (cuts in again). Wait first. Spell 'UCHE.'

Yoruba girl: U-C-H-E

Ibo boy: Ehen! The 'CH' in ARUCHUKWU and UCHE are the same naa.

Yoruba girl: Oh that! it's true sef. a-ru-CH-ukwu. From Chukwu-Chuks. Okay,let me spell it again. A-R-U-C-H-U-K-U.

Ibo Boy: It's K-W-U at the end naa... Oya spell 'EBERE'

Yoruba Girl: A-B...

C-D nii!!! By this time,I was no longer interested in the drink. I just wanted to step out and release the storm that was gathering in my belly. I had tears in my eyes with laughter ehn...


Enjoy your weekend,peeps and I must state here that you can go read some of my other posts on www.blogaces..


Kindly follow me on Twitter @blog_aces.

And you can also join my bbm channel: C002B6667

Lmao!!!

In my honest opinion, I envy the guy. I wish I had dat much power too. I was the only guy between two girls and I had the 2 remotes to the 2 TVs with me. But I didn't really enjoy bribing sha.

The world is changing niyen o. Seriously changing. Happy abt that.

I'm an avid lover of Animal documentaries so you should know by now that NatGeoWild is one of my favourite channels on DSTV.
You should try it too.
You'd be surprised what you'd learn from all these beasts.

Take for example, the wolf pack. They have this Alpha male that runs the pack, leads the hunt and is always at the forefront. The other wolves defer to it.

You need to check out the Lions too. The Lionesses hunt for food but the Lion is first to eat it's own share before the Lionesses and even the little cubs eat their share.

Then I was surprised to learn that even among the crocodiles, there's the top croc. The biggest, strongest of the crocs (aka the chief) also enjoys his share of the feast before others can dig in.

The top male animal seems to always be at the forefront.

Make no mistake, the top male animal is in control.


In case you thought this control issue ended in and with the animal kingdom, then you're a little right but very wrong. There are schools of thought who lay claim to the fact that we humans are animals although of the higher class.

Every top male animal craves control. In the Human kingdom, the top male animals are (I'm sure you've all personally guessed it);

FATHERS (aka DADS)

And they're ways to go about getting and maintaining it.

Now I'm sure we've seen somethings growing up that we probably now find funny by the sheer pettiness of it.

You remember those days when there were so many privileges ONLY Fathers were entitled to?
Now let me give you a couple of examples of things that were held so sacred in the human kingdom by fathers. Just like totems, these things were SYMBOLS OF CONTROL:

(NB: These examples applies to Nigerian fathers as I've not seen fathers of other nationalities do these. But I'm sure it's basically the same concepts everywhere.)


SYMBOL 1: The Table

Fathers still sit at the head of dining tables as I type and I think this is the same everywhere. No matter the shape of the dining hall, you'll never find a square or circular table. It ALWAYS has to be rectangular so that there'll be a head for the Fathers to sit.

Or have you seen a circular dining table before?



SYMBOL 2: The Chair

Where there's a table, there's a chair. Right?

Right!

Let's be honest, you'd be hard pressed to have a family back then where there wasn't that couch that was the exclusive reserve of the dad. You can sit anywhere on the double or triple-seater couch. Hell, you could even sleep on them. But there was that one couch that you never sit on.

NEVER!

You get caught on it, you're in deep trouble! That couch that if that your annoying little sis caught you sitting in it, you'd have to buy her silence with your fish from dinner.

Yeah, that one.




SYMBOL 3: The Cutleries

Remember that special plate that was used to serve your dad? That special glass? Spoon?

Now this one is so embarrassing to talk about.

Moving on.



SYMBOL 4: The Chickens

Now I'm not talking about those times when you get to eat one small piece of meat and you stare longingly at your dad's plate because he gets to eat at least two big pieces to show he's the boss.
I mean you'd think the kids need more protein than the grown ups, right?

Right.

But we all know that when we have our kids, that old status quo that was passed down to us will still be followed and no matter what this writer thinks or says, you're still going to have the bigger pieces of meat while your kids get the smaller pieces.

Let them go get their proteins from soya-beans.

But the aspect I could never understand when I was a kid and even now as I write this piece is this:

Why is it that when the chickens get killed at Christmas, the gizzard is 'taboo' to everyone except the fathers?
Why is it no one gets to touch them even if ten chickens get killed? All the ten gizzards belong exclusively to the fathers.

I need your answers to this. It would help.



SYMBOL 5: The Remote Control

Now let me sound a note of warning here to all of you. Never EVER try to stand in the way of your father and the remote control.

DON'T DO IT.

Let me say something here; these men go to work their asses off to get you the best that they can while you guys are busy fooling around at home watching cartoons and pretending to do your assignments.

So when they come home from a hard day's work; after their bath and that delicious food from your mothers, they expect to relax by sitting down (most likely on their hallowed couch) and enjoying the news (which is basically all the entertainment fathers seem to get on Television).

This is usually a very trying period for the kids, I must add, because no normal kid likes watching the news. Then next thing you know, the fathers always end up dozing off in their chair right in the middle of the news and you're torn between changing the channel to that Mexican soap you want to watch, and your sleeping dad and the news he is not watching.

The only problem is that he's somehow clutching tight to the remote control and you want to wrestle it out of his hand without waking him up

DANG!!! WRONG MOVE!

That is the greatest slap to a father's manhood. You never take the remote control from your father because the moment you take the remote control, the father has lost control of that family (Or that's the way they make it look).

You'd better grit your teeth and let them have control of the TV until they surrender the remote control themselves (or switch off the TV). Better still, don't get addicted to any soap opera between 9pm and 11pm (Fathers peak TV time).

The moment you take that remote control from their hands, then you've just told your father that you're prepared to start winning all the bread in the house.

What I'm saying is that the remote control in the hands of fathers is a sign of control over that home. Don't try to take it or steal it.

You may survive taking a man's table, his couch, his gizzard...

But don't you dare touch that remote control!!!

(Menacing look)

DON'T YOU DARE!


Thank you.


Okay I exaggerated. Get over it. Hehehe...


Let's know some other symbols that I have missed out. I'm sure they're more than a few of them.


You can still follow me on twitter @blog_aces. Let me know so I can follow you back.

View other posts on www.blogaces.

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God bless you!

I'm sorry o. I guess I should have posted in the General section. Aint gotten the hang of Nairaland yet.

In that case, I loyal o!!!

I'm sure when you saw the title of this post, the first thing that came to your mind was that I wanted to write about a traditional ruler or position of authority or something. I may do that or I may not.

This is a freestyle so let's see as it goes.

You'll catch on before you know it.

Are you one of those that came to this world with a golden spoon well shoved into your mouth? Silver spoon?

If you belong to the above class, I'd like to say a big "Good For You!"

You probably had some of the good things handed to you without breaking a nail for it and that puts you in an enviable position from the view of someone like say... ME for instance who was born with a borrowed stainless steel fork.

But there was one aspect I can't envy though.

That was the Transportation aspect.

I lived the life.

See, rich folks always have air-conditioned cars to take them to everywhere they need to go. It's either they're driving or being driven.

But for me, I've had my share of almost all kinds of commercial transportation.

Okada (motorbikes), the occasional Drop (taxis), Danfo (commercial buses), Molue (those biiig school-bus types that have refused to go out of extinction), Ferry (yea I've had that) and Train (that's one I've not had the honour).

I will write about some of my experiences with a few of these modes of transportation later as they're tons of them.

But today, I'll pick the 'Danfo' as a case in point.

Molue applies too but God delivered me from these a very long time ago.

God be praised!

Now for those of you who haven't sampled Danfo mode before, you are MISSING!!!

What's your typical day like riding in that car to work?

Listen to the radio? Make phone calls? Read papers or magazines? Browse on your smartphones?

*silence*

BORING!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I said it!

That's some boring ish. Get outta here!

On the other hand, when you take a bus, you never see what's coming. It's your daily dose of entertainment.

A few examples: Fights between conductors and passengers/touts, fights between passengers and drivers, fight between passengers, wise cracking passengers and conductors, mobile marketers, preachers and in some cases beggangelists, tale-tellers...

Wait, wait, wait... I said a few, right?

I'm sorry.

So those are a few of the entertainment you'll be getting. But one of my favorite characters in buses are the ones called 'STAFF.'

*laughing*

Now I honestly don't know what gives some folks the temerity to think they can just get into a bus and not pay their fare.

Who the hell is STAFF? What is STAFF for pete's sakes? How did they come about that concept?

The people that usually claim this status are Policemen, Military men, NURTW members (the 'tout' arm).
Even Man 'o' War members are now trying to wriggle into this.

It's like everyone and their dog with a Uniform now claim 'STAFF' so don't be surprised if you find a security guard trying to claim Staff these days or maybe even a law student.

I find it so irritating, to be honest.

A policeman will extort money from a bus driver and still not pay his fare when he enters a bus. You will even come across policemen who wear agbada for owambe but still wear their police beret so they can use it to claim Staff and skip on paying their fare.

*spits*

The opportunistic, parasitic pricks...

I've seen tons of this nonsense happen but there was this one that happened a couple of weeks ago.

It's one of those situations you find yourself that are so annoying when you're in it but so hilarious when you reminisce on it later.

So I was headed for Ikeja from Iyana Ipaja and I really needed to dash down because I was running late. I sat at the back and the journey started when the bus filled up. When the conductor started collecting his fare was when wahala started.

I looked up from my phone to see the cause of the commotion even as the conductor was raking for a woman sitting in front in the row just behind the driver. Apparently, the lady was claiming staff.

I took a good look at her to size her up. The only thing that struck me about her was that she was light in complexion and she had this sideburns that would have made Hugh Jackman's Wolverine green with envy.
I don't know why I half-expected her to carry a staff of office or maybe an office seal or stamp or something.

Anything.

She didn't have none of that. She was even wearing mufti and was just mumbling incoherent crap.

The driver even challenged her to bring out an ID or something...

Nothing.

I was now wondering that do people actually step out of their house hoping to skip out on paying their fares by playing the 'Staff' card?

We all intervened in the matter because the driver had to park over the matter and folks were in a hurry. The lady had no choice but to pony up the dough when she realized we were all 100% "pro-conductor" on the matter.

When the lady now got down a couple of bus-stops later, the bus erupted in laughter. Driver opined that would she go to buy something or go to church and when they ask for offering, she'll call Staff?

Good question. Because I wonder too.

Na make God flog am with that staff.

I've seen enough of Lagos Transportation drama though.

I now need a car badly.

I'm ready to live the rest of my life blasting on the car stereo, getting enveloped with air-conditioner, browsing on my mobile phone, reading a newspaper and generally minding my own business in my own car.

Hehehe...

That's that about this issue.


You can let me know you feel me by kindly commenting below. You could also share your experience on the comment box and let's read.

Thank you.

You can follow me on twitter @blog_aces.

You can view more of my posts on www.blogaces.

I'll be sharing about my moment of wedding mess-up in my next blogpost next Saturday.

Don't miss it!

God bless you all.

Hi.

I need a very good office to let in Yaba around herbert macaulay or alapomeji area wit floors not be less than 500sqm.

Pls call or whatsapp me on 08034943724 if you have or add me on bbm: 265B90CD.

Thank you.

Kayode Aishida.

Hello. Who can get me an office space of 500sqm and above on Herbert Macaulay or Alapomeji, Yaba? There must be adequate parking too. Thank you.

09098796636 - Kay.

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Now you can be that entrepreneur you always dreamed of regardless of your academic inclination or status. Learn the basics of skills like #Branding #HR # RaisingCapital # RelationshipMarketing&Selling #Poultry Production #FilmMaking #ValueProposition and #Business Ideas and so many other trainings you need to excel. Training is Live and just for one hour + it's FREE! Follow @wyzak_int on twitter or search & LIKE Wyzak Interactive on FB to find out more! 07012317518. www.wyzak.com

Now you can be that entrepreneur you always dreamed of regardless of your academic inclination or status. Learn the basics of skills like #Branding #HR # RaisingCapital # RelationshipMarketing&Selling #Poultry Production #FilmMaking #ValueProposition and #Business Ideas and so many other trainings you need to excel. Training is Live and just for one hour + it's FREE! Follow @wyzak_int on twitter or search & LIKE Wyzak Interactive on FB to find out more! 07012317518. www.wyzak.com

Now you can be that entrepreneur you always dreamed of regardless of your academic inclination or status. Learn the basics of skills like #Branding #HR # RaisingCapital # RelationshipMarketing&Selling #Poultry Production #FilmMaking #ValueProposition and #Business Ideas and so many other trainings you need to excel. Training is Live and just for one hour + it's FREE! Follow @wyzak_int on twitter or search & LIKE Wyzak Interactive on FB to find out more! 07012317518

Now you can be that entrepreneur you always dreamed of regardless of your academic inclination or status. Learn the basics of skills like #Branding #HR # RaisingCapital # RelationshipMarketing&Selling #Poultry Production #FilmMaking #ValueProposition and #Business Ideas and so many other trainings you need to excel. Training is Live and just for one hour + it's FREE! Follow @wyzak_int on twitter or search & LIKE Wyzak Interactive on FB to find out more! 07012317518

I have a serious buyer for a tankfarm with pms compatibility in lagos. N7b is the budget. Can u help?

Do you still have these laptops available? How much is it now and how can I get?

@greedie. Ouch! I'm not.

You don't wanna miss this post. I need to know if I'm right or wrong...

When Men Became Idiots. /p20YY4-7k