₦airaland Forum

Your story is not complete and biased

It's evident you don't want the girl and want a way out.

Tell us why your mum doesn't like her or why you perceive she doesn't like her.

Tell us what th girl did wrong or is doing wrong.

When you respond to these questions.. Then we can advice you properly.

However... .
Even though your mum's reason for disliking her might not be tangible, you can't afford to take mums or parents in general for granted. They usually...most of the time, have our best interest at heart.

GCsomething:
Your story is lopsided with hidden details or information from where we could advice you.

Tell us what she said exactly about her and not just telling us not in support.

Christian Bible aptly stated that "" you will have peace of mind when train your child in the right way"". Huncle! You have family standard and what grew up with.
For me, I know what my mum would say the day I bring in a girl that falls far the family standard.

Forget indomie love. Forget anyone telling you that you're man enough to make decision.

Mothers are blessings from God, they are women and will tell more about other women.

Go back and ask while or complete the story if want to get a helpful advice here.

Best advice!

cooooooks:
"queen" should be Queen and "English man" should be Englishman.

Lol... Wawa kowai!

cooooooks:
Even your response is grammatically incorrect.

Thank you English man. I hope the queen of England has knighted you for your mastery of English!?!
Rubbish!

cooooooks:
Oboy, your English structure is quite poor. I can barely understand you.

How comes you're just one out of many?
What did you smoke before reading it?

overall90:
It's like am the only one that is confused about the whole story.
@op,please how does her asking for Rev David number ended up being you finding out that she is cheating with a guy after so much dragging?

Yeah.. I think you're the only one NOT understanding. Try to catch up!

Iamdmentor1:
You should be 25 or older and you acted childishly You were very insecure and allowed your emotions get the better of you. You should have thought it through to the end.
You should have given her the number. If you think she's having an affair with someone, invite her over. Talk to her, and listen to her body language.

I'd appreciate It if you could really settle down and re-read my post.
So that you'll understand it... Put yourself in my shoes and then judge fairly.

Besides.. People keeping commenting "children relationship"... And it's likes...
See 'Big' adults (30 - 100 years) behave even worse when it comes to relationships...So I wonder why they keep saying we're just kids or I'm behaving childishly.

Desluv:
Hear this, she is not cheating on you. She knew you'd over analyse things and end up accusing her of cheating and that's exactly what you did. She seems like a good girl. Value what you have before you loose it. Ignore about what many guys are saying here. They're only writing based on their awful experiences, which has absolutely nothing to do with you and your relationship. That many girls cheat, doesn’t mean your girl is cheating on you. When you find a good girl, protect her. Guard her. Know her worth, understand her value. Don’t let people or situation make you doubt how precious she is. Love her the way you found her, the way you just couldn’t take your eyes off her when you first saw her and how you kept thinking about her all night. Love her the way you did when all you wanted was to get her and what it took for you to win her heart. Love her even though at times you will not understand why she makes certain seemingly odd decisions.

Bro Give her a call and trash this out peacefully. You're two completely different people and that's okay. Different doesn’t bad. Your uniqueness forms the beauty of your relationship. You complement each other in more ways than you think. Don’t let trivial issues like this or advice from people you barely know ruin your relationship.

Yeah... Thank you very much. I will consider what you've said

ekenzify:
bro if you are still following this thread,
the advice I would give to you is this. First of all, I want you to evaluate your relationship with God. Ask yourself the purpose of your relationship in the first place. Are you really ready to be in one. What's the long term plan for the relationship? Where would it lead to? Build yourself bro... Spiritually, financially, emotionally, and in your relationship with others.

Also be purpose driven.. Focus on becoming a better version of yourself each day. When you become your best self each day through the help of the Holy Spirit,
you will find yourself making decisions that you won't regret.

Still talk to your girlfriend about the situation, listen to her.. Don't be in a haste to interrupt and judge her.

Above all, let God be central in your life and you will find everything working well for you.

Yes sir! I'm still following sir.
Amen!
I will put all you've said into consideration. Thank you very much!

david290:
Would've minded my business too like I've always done, and like someone did on first page. But somehow, I couldn't. So...
* Your issue might not particularly be a big deal. It isn't a trivial one either. Therefore I can say your concerns about your lady is very legit. Probe all you can now (or maybe not, if you don't have long term plans with her).
* You did nothing wrong. Or if somebody did something wrong, then it's the both of you. So, anybody pointing accusing fingers at you are just being insensitive or insincere.
* And please, (and am unapologetic about this one) anytime you see a "F" moniker here on Nairaland, by default subject such comments to thorough scrutiny. As you can see, it's only the "F" moniker with a username Cupie (not sure, actually) who bothered to address your post. Others were just getting unnecessarily emotional and defensive. While your lady mirror the offline lifestyle and personality of some of these "F" monikers, a handful of others, on the other hand, have taken it as a full-time job to defend anything feminine regardless of the context or circumstance.
* Trust and respect are two words that have been abused a lot. Take anyone using these words, offline or online, less seriously.
Some honestly don't know the meaning of these words. Others in fact, do, but have decided to cash on the fact that many don't. For the umpteenth time - trust and respect are not a given, they're earned! In plain English: those who should earn your trust and respect are those who didn't for once gave you a reason to doubt or disrespect them.
* Finally, the insinuation of a couple guys on the first page shouldn't be hastily disregarded before it's been carefully considered! Disagreements in relationships is fine. That's why I mentioned the other time that you aren't to be blamed for driving this matter to this juncture. At the very least, it quaked your relationship and gave it a direction so that you both won't be deceiving and wasting each each other's time.
A lot for relationships these days and if you're unfortunate to jam someone who's got a ph.D in deception and manipulation (not implying your lady is), ha!, let me just end it there.

Thank you very much sir for your wonderful contribution. We need more objective people like you here on nairaland.

At this juncture, I'm not sure of what to do next. I don't think this is enough reason to break our 3-years relationship unless of course it gets out of hand.. Which I pray it doesn't.

Fearlez:
Your girl is a timebomb that will explode without her knowing it.

Let me paint a very ugly picture for you. Your girl is the type that is not only very very naive, she's what guys like us know as the type who are bad at saying no.

Add this to her docile, unassertive character, she's a relationship wrecking ball. You will be surprised how relatively firm and strong she is with girls but weak with men.

She's the type that won't really put up too much fight in sexual advances or wooing. Bad boys like her type alot and she isn't good for a sensitive person like you.

Another fact is when you asked her what she needed the number for and what friend of her needed it, she flipped ending the phone call on you... that's the red flag, if you're sharp. Getting angry and going so out of character to please a male friend whom you have long suspected proved your suspicion wasn't all together wrong.

And keeping secrets from you at the behest and on behalf of a male friend is tragedy in itself.

I paid particular attention on your post and discovered that when you accused her with the male friend, she flipped it around and accused you of breaking up with her over the phone. She isn't as naive as she appears though, and something tells me she wouldn't mind moving on.

Move on and be determined to forget her like last Christmas.

Like our minds were made out of each other. I must say I appreciate you for your keenness in reading my post.

I have this feeling she wouldn't mind moving on.... A reflection of it is how she thinks every quarrel is tantamount to a breakup .

However, I can't just throw away these three years....I'm still stunned as to my next line of action

kinibigdil:
@bolded she better be o, so because one is a graduate he shouldn't have relationship problems? Perfectly educated woman, professional relationship expert will ask to see both partner to give an advice on way forward, have you asked yourself if he has moved on since you are have already concluded, and did you or the lady drag him here to share his story and seek clarity... Yeye de smell. Spits on comment... Conductor drop me here! I no go again... @op abeg it is not every comment here you read to make meaningful decision o, just imagine sharing your story under Oshodi bridge, where the audience are all manner of people from different background and experiences, tomatoes sellers, shoe shinners lol and you will be forced to hear the one's whose voices are louder,? Guess who? Agbero's does that mean they are the right ones? No! But take time read through there is a word from wise one's take it and run with it, I will say this we don't have institutions that handles this cases professional, I don't know if Yaba left give relationship advice, churches are the ones I that does this, some of them de try but it is still not done by professional's, that is why regardless of wrong advise and bashing when you post your story on Nairaland I believe if comments like this one above is not the first youy see, lol you will get something here @ buske

Thank you very much brother! You Sabi something!

Chukazu:
I still can't see where she lied.


Withholding information from you is not the same thing as lying mbok

I said she was dodgy (holding back information) and then lied here and there too (which I didn't state)

Lerumo:
Until you have evidence that she's cheating you can't make accusations. But you can discuss with her that you are not comfortable with her friendship with this person and you want to her to cut off the friendship.

Don't draw conclusions on a hunch. Being friends first before being is a relationship is a good thing. You can talk to her as a friend when things are not going ok.

If things don't work out, you can break up and still remain friends.

Thank you for the advice ��

zaralady:
Permit me to say you are an egocentric, arrogant, insolent....... You don't even know how to talk to people, you are so immature and insecure. You think everybody is out to get you, this lady has the nicest heart to me and from the look of things she actually cares for you, she might be indecisive and easily deceived but damn! Who doesn't have a weakness?. Yours is even worse and you are here judging her when you are so so wrong. Why will you break a relationship of 3yrs because she wants to get a rev number for a male friend?? How does that relate to cheating??. Or isn't she allowed to have male friends again?? . The fact she needs the Rev contact mean her friends need some spiritual help which she wants to keep between herself and the guy, must you know everything??.... how old are you again?? You graduated from the university 3yrs ago and life haven't told you things?? A school cert wouldn't do this!!!

That geh is better off without you.

Shuu...Why are you getting all worked up?

My response to him wasn't meant to insult him. (at least if you compare my post, what he said and my response to him )

I know I might have messed up.. That's why I put up the post... Oops obviously.. You didn't read it!

You on the other hand seem to have anger issues too.
Did life teach you vile and anger Or do you have a personal problem with me

rosalieene:
you have serious issues @poster

Please outline them!

teemy:
@buske, the problem caused now is more than what was in place before. She purposely did not tell you about the guy because she believed you could take offence or overreact and guess what? You did not disappoint.

While technically she did not lie, she hid something from you but you should know everyone deserves a place of keeping things to themselves and trying to force them might not be the best and when after learning the info you now show forth anger like this, I bet you it wou/ld be like passing through the eye of a needle before you can be afforded that kind of trust.

Try to live free and without heaviness of heart or burdened by what your partner is doing or is not doing. You cannot know it all. You just need to tell your partner not to 'do anything that would jeopardize our relationship' and believe they would adhere to you. That is the risk of doing the relationship business ad in all businesses, there are no total guarantees. Try not no build on the heart pressure dear.

I just hope within this few days of your 'breakup', someone has not decided that 'since I have been accused of doing what I have not done, I might as well kuku do it' and dearie, it would be your fault should you decide to apportion blame so what you have to do, do quick. Lastly, emotions for other persons apart from our partners would always come as we go on together and so it is better to learn to build a working defense for such incidents.

Wishing you well - Teemy

Thank you very much! Quite insightful!

CaptJeffry:
I'm still reading hard here to find out the real reason you had to break a 3year old relationship over the phone just like that.

Wait, let me put on glasses too.

Ehee, so is it that you suspect her or is it because she's easily deceived which one?

Breaking up with her just because you suspect her fidelity status makes you insecure and immature. Nearly every woman has problem of indecision and can be easily deceived so either way, you're absolutely wrong QED.

If your glasses are really working and you can read behind the lines, you'd understand that it was only anger/quarrel. We haven't really broken up.

redcliff:
lmao! ode. @op your case is a bit dicey. as i was reading i wanted to say you did wrong by inquiring alot but on reading further and discovering the kind of person she is(not the cheating part, the very vulnerable person, i think you did not do bad by wanting to know more and the sad part is that its with someone you suspect her with. its difficult to be with a woman who is very deceivable and dont have some mind of their own because the relationship would suffer. if she is willing to change, i mean really change, then maybe you both can talk about it and give it another shot but if something of this nature or similar or anything that revolves around the kind of person you dont like and cant tolerate her to be, i think its best you move on. this kind of person would crash your marriage by "mistake" without even knowing that she is.

Thank you very much. You understand!

Like...I am very concerned about that her vulnerability. Sometimes... I can't even trust her wit herself.

I have been dating this girl, since after my graduation from the university three years ago. Prior to that we've were very close friends.

Our relationship has been the type where we know very much about each other. we talk about everything. We practically know each other in and out.

She's the very soft time, in the sense that she finds it hard to say no or shout at people irrespective of what they've done. To give you a picture of what I'm talking about, with a very confusing episode...a man once collected her phone and practically walked away with it in broad daylight without any form of resistance. Another episode; The other day, after waiting for about 5 months to get the complete amount to purchase a phone, she took the whole sum and gave it to a person she hardly knows and we've been looking for him ever since.

While I'm the analytical type of person. This has its own downsides too as atimes, I tend not to know when to just let things go.

Okay..Let me give you the main gist of what transpired so you can tell me if I could have reacted or done things better or it wasn't my fault.

So yesterday, she called me and was like "emmh..baby, can you give me Rev. David's number, I want to pass it to a friend who needs spiritual counseling" (Rev
David is my bossom friend who just got out of the Seminary, They two are hardly acquainted due to obvious reasons.) "aaah... I should give you Rev. David's number??...Wait who is the person?...doesn't he/she have a church/pastor he/she can go to?" I was perplexed by the request. Since we share a lot, I was expecting at least an overview of the reason for the request. My girlfriend became defensive instead," Are you giving me the number or not? ".. At this point, my interest is hightened. So I ask her to at least give me minor details about the person or the situation at hand. It became a drag and led to a slight argument. She got angry and for the first time in many years..cut the call on me.

"aaaah....what is the problem, what is making this girl get all worked up like this?" I called and called back but she didn't pick up. I was mad and confused.
Now, like I said at the beginning, besides the fact that we talked about everything...she is also the type that can easily be defrauded. So this made me put up guard and she is ignited my interest in the case by her dodgy attitude.

So I sent her a text, giving her one last chance to pick my call and threatened to never call again if she failed to. So she called!

After dragging the issue for long and lying(something she's never done) here and there. I got to find out that it was about a guy whom I was suspecting she was having an affair with. (she never knew I was suspecting her though because I never showed it. I was looking for the perfect time to make a case)

I was mad!

After dropping the call. She texted me. Disclaiming having an affair with him, telling me that he had made her promise that it should be just between them.

See...This is a girl that tells me everything about her friends...from the friend who just had an abortion, to the one who almost had her womb removed, to the one whose parents are quarreling, to the one cheating on her boyfriend and so on. Why was this case so special that I couldn't even get a hint??.

I replied, telling her that I never believed her and told her I wasn't going to call her again and that she shouldn't bother calling me. Next thing I know, she turns it on me, accusing me of breaking up with her over the phone. She had repeated this accusation in the past. So I told her that since she's so 'eager' about us breaking up over the phone, her prayers had finally been answered today..I didn't reply any messages henceforth.

Now I'm confused, I don't know what to make out of this episode.

pulchritude94:
are u a believer?

It is not a question of being a believer... The Bible does not condemn men marrying more than one woman.

It's the white man's culture.... Or better say... It's a church doctrine.

Gerrard59:
A healthy discussion on polygamy and cheating:

https://www.quora.com/Do-you-think-polygamy-for-men-would-prevent-them-from-cheating-and-would-make-a-healthier-family-by-giving-men-a-chance-to-get-out-of-boredom

From the responses there, it shows that polygamy does not reduce nor stop men from cheating on their wives.

At the bold: I agree that the bible does not explicitly condemn nor outlaws polygamy. However, the bible condemns adultery - which is having an affair or sex outside marriage. Your last line is quite dishonest. Soliciting an affair outside the confines of marriage amounts to adultery - which is a sin. So it is false to say adultery is not committed - which is a sin if you are a Christian - when a man is soliciting another woman other than his wife to be his lover.

If you must use the bible, use it holistically. Changing the goal post in the middle of the game is not nice.

So invariably.. What you're also saying is that all men commit the sin of fornication before marrying their 'first' wife.... Because of course he has to woo or have an 'affair' with her before marriage.

willibounce1:
You ladies really love to deceive yourselves and allow people to lead you on.

Listen! 98% of men cheat. Men cheat and won't stop. the remaining 2% don't cheat because they are either very old or in the public eyes that they cannot cheat without being caught. That slogan is not an excuse, it is the simple truth. That your boyfriend or husband that is forming holy and reading and quoting bible from start to finish is phucking another woman out there. it will even shock you to know he is either phucking the house help or your own sister or friend. whether you make excuses or not the message the lady is trying to pass is for you not to bother yourself about a man who is cheating or not. Like ya'll have been advised, make him comfortable and do not poke your nose into what doesn't concern you by wanting to always check phones. Men cannot stop cheating.

Gbam! I'm with you brother!

I marvel at the way females Carry this man cheating stuff on their heads....
I get pissed when I hear that 'real men do this and that sh*t'
Like....even God permitted man to keep more than one woman, even though His original plan was 'One to One'.

The Muslim women whose men marry upto four wives... Have they died?

Our ancestors... Did they die?

Is It because the church says it's one man to one woman...that's why We wee not hear word again??

Abi where did the tradition/practice of one man to one woman appear from

Simi.. Park well abeg!

Just like all other business companies.... These too (the churches) are headquartered in Lagos.
Little wonder!

Do he have to post it on social media

shiwaggz57:
what if m done with my course work n waiting for convocation before I can get my cert can I apply?

If it's your Msc. Certification, You can... Just look for a way to bypass the part where you have to upload a copy of your cert online.

If it's your BSc. Cert, you can't! Cos of NYSC cert... Unless you have Godfathers though!

The man (OP) did not scam anyone.. He actually described the earlier state of the vehicle... He only didn't provide the VIN publicly.

LewsTherin:
Women are very emotional creatures. Your mother is one. She can't see beyond her hurt to realise she is hurting you. In her mind, she rationalizes it as only wantong the best for you when all she feels is a non-existent betrayal. I should know. I have been independent for over 10 years and my mother still can't seem to accept the fact that I am my own man with 2 kids to boot. I guess being the last child of the house who was always a "good boy" has its disadvantages.

What I have done is to reduce my interactions with her. It hurts, yes but it means I get things done before she knows about it. By then, she can't influence or demand I follow her own opinions. Deed is done already. The result is a relatively strained relationship but at least not a bad relationship as it would have been if I had gone full rebel, nor a toxic relationship as it would have been if I pandered to her every wish.

I believe you have to do something similar. Your mother is comfortable so she doesn't need your money. It is not about the money. It is about loosing her connection (means control to be honest) to you. So this is what I suggest. Move out. Get yiur own place. Don't tell her before you do. Don't bring your girl anywhere near your mum. Don't make it obvious to anyone- siblings inclusive- that you have a girl. Else your mum will believe the girl has taken you away from her. Visit your mum on a regular and fixed schedule - like every sunday, or sonething. Do not fail. If something happens to make it nit happen, see her the next day. You have to create a space between you two and only after she has accepted that should you even begin of thinking of letting her know you are getting married. Note. Marriage, not girlfriend. Let her express surprise that you had a girlfriend in the first place rather than she telling you some girl is not good to have as a date. Once thay stage is reached, you fiancee should cime for your regularly scheduled visits once in a while. Not all the time. Once in a while until she warms up to your girl or until she is resigned to your decision.

It is better for her to say you don't keep her informed as to what you are doing than for her to get into a grudge match over the things that you want to do.

My opinion.

Waw.. Thank you very much for this. I've always thought about something similar.... Executing it is what makes me sceptical. Wouldn't want to do it wrong.
But I guess I have to give it a good shot.

laydoh:
she is too attached to you guys. am very sure not only you. she has been a father and mother to you for a very long time. The fear of having another woman into ur life and you maybe not giving her the attention she hoped for is what scares her. i think.

But I have always lived up to expectation as the first son of the family. I have always shown her that I care about her

Acidosis:
Have you tried to meet your dad to know why he left your mom?


Don't even think about getting married until you address the issues in your family.

No I haven't. The man does not care about us...and has been out of our lives for like ages. So to me.. He practically doesn't exist.

ststyreal:
Settle your mum first and make her comfortable financially before thinking of marrying. Open a business for her and make sure your other siblings are OK before venturing into marriage because most ladies of this days are demons in human clothing. All they know is my husband my husband forgetting that someone brought their husband up to the stage he currently is. I understand your mums fear, hence, as a first son, make her comfortable financially and watch her bless your union.

She trained us all, remember? She has a good job. She also has business properties. She's is very comfortable!