deniyor:

I just read your other post on your bf. It is obvious that you are searching for answers. Coupled with the fact, I have nothing to do for the next hour before hitting the club, I can share my own LONG opinion / story with you. I hope it helps but if it doesn't, well I tried .

On your other thread, your friend told you the truth. He doesn't care about you well enough but he doesn't mind having you around in the meantime. It doesn't matter where a guy is from, if he treats you like shi*t, get rid of him. Don't even try to see if there is anything cultural about it. People hardly change, so barring some life changing experience, that is who he will always be to you. I hate to pour sand in another man's garri but Get RID of him.


We Nigerians are of different shades and types just like every nation.

I always wanted to marry a Nigerian lady. Even when I moved to North America, I started out by dating Nigerian damsels. I dated a few but it didn't work out. There were some particular behaviour I found in some of them that puts me off.

I dated quite a lot of girls from other cultures, mostly those of the city I lived in. Nothing serious. But I was open for something serious when I find the kind of qualities I am looking for in a lady. I did find it in another African lady I met. I've been dating her for about three yrs now. My point mainly is this: I prefer to marry a Nigerian woman. It is just easier on understand our culture and differences. Plus other problems tht come with marrying a foreigner. But above that preference is the fact that I will prefer to marry whoever I love no matter where she is from, as long as she is perfect for me. And the one I have right now is just perfect for me. So despite my preferences, and those of my family, I will probably not marry a Nigerian lady. I will not choose a lady cos of where she is from.

Hypothetically, if I have a Nigerian lady and a foreigner on a same rating, I will choose the Nigerian one. For me, the foreigner has to prove to me she is the best for me to consider her.

thanks a lot, it did help. I'm glad to know that not everyone has a backward attitude about dating. Have fun at the club now

stillwater:

The truth hurts.

Anyway that's true, we don't see clearly when we like someone. That is why you need people that love you to open your eyes. If you deserve that kind of nonchalant love from a man, by all means stay in it. The ones that are married to foreigners and make it work do not act that way, they are more attentive and ready to please. Three weeks is too soon for him to be acting this way. Maybe he thought you were a citizen and when he found out you weren't, he lost interest.

you're the type that gives tough love huh? lol I needed to hear that though

with regards to my citizenship status he knew right from the start so he didn't lose interest because of that maybe he just lost interest and it is what it is, awww well life is never fair

lindabon:

hmmm, i tink d black women are d one's that segregate themselves though. 4instance many Nigerian women would tell u dat they wuld neva date a white man because he has tiny eshi or dat the white man is dirty and all dat, even though they have neva been wit any to deduce their foolish theory. they have not yet opened their arms to diversity and that is why they are left behind. so unlike d white woman who would always want to taste the waters,  d black women are yet to make themselves available to other races.

Very good point. Even here in North America many black women date exclusively black men and cringe at the thought of dating other races I'm guilty of that myself but you made me stop and think about that for a minute.We really do make ourselves unavailable to other races. I would date a black man from any part of the world but never take a white guy seriously when he approaches me and that not ok. What can I say I love black men  Just wish they were more dependable 

stillwater:

Awww I just saw your other thread. Even Nigerian girls are advised to be careful when dating a Nigerian man, let alone a foreigner like yourself. Be careful. There are good ones though.

yea lol I'm realy trying to sort my head out about this thing trying to set my mind straight. If i'm so fearful maybe a Nigerian guy isn't for me much as I like them  , thanks for being positive though on both posts

stillwater:

Nigerian men again, doing what they know how to do best. . .disgracing the nation.

That's by the way. . .just needed to get that out.

So three weeks into dating him, he's already acting up and you're asking if it has a cultural basis?

So if indeed it has a cultural basis, you would remain that relationship?

very good point. I guess sometimes we don't see clearly when we like someone , I was just thinking maybe it's something that can be addressed and worked on if he realises that that's not the way it should be but very valid point stillwater

Don't agree about the disgracing the nation bit I really do not want to turn this post into something hateful and disrespectful to Nigerian men.

as a matter of fact, I am starting to feel that Nigerian men are being very generous to some of you desperately lonely women. In fact too generous.
You should be thankful not bashful.

Since you corrected my essay construction I think it fair to tell you what the word bashful means according to the dictionary

bashful:uncomfortably diffident and easily embarrassed; shy; timid. Examples: The young maiden has a very bashful attitude. or Young girls that are not very exposed can be quite bashful.

somehow I don't think that's what you were trying to say were you? You meant we shouldn't be speaking negatively of them I presume? I thought so

also learn to type in paragraph form. your post is very difficult to read.

I agree with you it is hard to stay focus and read all of that in the way that it is written. I apologize. Maybe if I had written it in a better manner you would have stayed focus enough to realize that the post is in no way, shape or form bashing Nigerian men. I clearly stated at least twice that is not my style and I won't do it nor will I insult you for your opinion about doing us a favor. Is that the way you look at it? really?

Do u ask such questions when an asian or spanish dude dates your women? Are nigerians aliens? Of course we date women from other races.

Of course I don't think Nigerian men are Aliens but i never hear Spanish women or Asian women saying "oh she's just being used for sex, he'll return to Puerto Rico or China for a proper girl when he's ready to settle down" i didn't mean to offend you it's just that the impression we are given is that Nigerian men are incapable or marrying and loving a woman from another culture except in the case of wanting a green card and he will lie and deceive to get it then leave. I refuse to believe that because of something like a culture difference one human being will convince himself or in some cases be convinced by others that he is incapable of making a good life with another.

I hate stereotypes because i feel like they same way we put others into a group and label them the same way they can do the same to us but I'm very curious about the extent to which a Nigerian mans culture influences how he behaves in a relationship.

Of course I am aware that men no matter where they are from will be influenced to some extent by their culture, especially in relationships. I find however that sooooo many women seem to have trouble with the behavior of a lot of Nigerian men.

Both Nigerian women (I met some that say they won't date Nigerian men) and non Nigerian women alike are all over the internet blasting Nigerian men and it interests me because as much as we hate when people stereotype if a certain stereotype is seen time and time again there is some truth to it. My interest with this however has recently become more personal since I started dating a Nigerian man myself, I read all the stories before and dismissed them as maybe bad luck or maliciousness on someones part but now that I am with a Nigerian man I can't seem to get the fears out of my mind.

I met this guy through a mutual friend and we have been dating for about three months now. Right off the bat after talking to me and meeting up for the second time he asked me to be his girlfriend and I was hesitant because it seemed to be so fast but the same friend who introduced us (she is also Nigerian and knows him well) convinced me that he is a nice guy and is just really looking for someone to call his own provided that they are compatible and maybe he saw that in me she says.

Now I know a lot of women will say he's probably using you for a green card but I assure you that is not the case since I've been in the US less time than him and he's aware that I am not an American citizen (I'm black from another part of the world).

He was really sweet in the beginning but about three weeks into it there was a total change he barely communicated with me, never ever keeps his promises anymore, lazy about returning calls and texts, we don't go anywhere, he doesn't show up or do what he says he will and I've sensed some lying about his whereabouts and where he spends his time. He's always busy I'm aware that his job takes up a great deal of his time but it's so bad that I would go days and days without seeing him. He used to call and text often (in the morning before work, text while at work, call after work and we would talk for a long time) now we have conversations that last less than a minute maybe every three days or so and he is always tired.

I got frustrated and broke it off then felt guilty for not giving him a fair chance and over reacting so I decided to get back with him and at first he didn't want to hear of it and insisted that I'm getting what I wanted I was convinced that he was just waiting for me to end it so I decided to get over myself and let it be but days later he calls saying that we are still together and nothing changed.

Problem is he's not trying to change his ways AT ALL it's still the same thing and I fear that he doesn't intend to change he's either gotten comfortable where we are and him not having to work harder or all along he knew that's how he was and the initial weeks were just to lure me in and make me think that is how it will be all the time? I'm just really confused since when we broke up he could have gone his way and lived his life if he was losing interest so why did he come back? I don't want to end up one of those sad, angry, bitter women that bash Nigerian men and Nigeria that is not my style but when some of what I'm going through mirrors exactly what other women did I become frustrated and that is the purpose of this post. To become aware and NOT to bash.

Should I be more patient and take into consideration the culture differences?

How much of this is just his nature?

Women say that they are not romantic and affectionate, does he really think that the way this relationship is now is functional?

When were actually together he is very affectionate but then it's like he has split personalities. The girl that set us up is now telling me that he probably doesn't respect me and feel he should not go out of his way for me as I am not a Nigerian woman (funny how her story switched right?)I was so hurt when she said this to me. Could it be true though?

Am I just that little fantasy thing and he won't take me seriously because it has been ingrained in him that he should only wife a Nigerian girl?

I would hate to think this since I really like him but if I'm giving 90 and getting 10% if that much It won't be long before I give up. All opinions are welcome.

sorry some people are just too negative