₦airaland Forum

Lagbus yesterday,Today and .....

Caracta: Say no more...i'm scared already. Yet you guys smile, cuddle, engage in PDAs and make us (#team single) feel jealous? Awwwww, what will I do now? This is serious business!

@topic, I have nothing to add. Never give up on her and please be prayerful. It works. You are a good man.

Good spirit dear.

prettyrosefave: I really feel your pain as am a woman who is in your position.

Before I got married I hated sex, haaa I see it as sin. I read so books on sex, how some see it as painful and some do ennjoy it. When I met my hubby, during our courtship we weren't into it until a friend told me to try it afterall he is my man to be. I thought and thought and we started it, it was like hell was let loosed. The pains I feel was something outa this world.

When we got married, the same thing, I had to buy books and read and read, I learnt and read that the pain is just psycological. When I read it just a psycological pain, I made up my mind to enjoy it and that night I asked for more.

I don't get it the way I want anymore, he feels giving me sex always will make me look outside when he is not around cos he sees I have really improved. I make the moves and most times get turned down with abuses following.

Reading through your post gives me tears in my eyes, most times he doesn't wana sleep with me on the bed, when I wake him up to come in, the next thing is, am not interested ooo. Can you imagine this?

Really couples who have each other needs met sexually as at when honeying for it are previledged. They don't know what they gain until they hear from others whose spouse see sex as a burden.

In all I think its a libido thing, am already reading and making research on foods to give him stylishly to increase his libido without his knowledge of why am giving him such foods/fruits.

Interesting....Let those who are yet to marry not get scared.
Marriage is interesting even with all the challenges therein, beside you can never know which colour your would have until you in.

Am learning even after 4yrs of marriage and am willing to keep my marriage no matter the challenges.

Amhappy: @ Ops I was like ur wife. I hated 'sex'. For me it was a burden. Sorry ooo i like my sleep and see sex @ night or early morning as deprieving me of it. But i disliked it mainly blc i grew up to view sex as sinful,dirty and a stupid act. When i started dating it was a huge No No. After i lost a guy i loved so much blc of it,I hated sex more. The next guy i tried to date forced me,i lost my virginity and hated sex even more. When i met hubby i told him No sex. He kept to it until after our trad. I hated him for asking for it. During sex i will tell him to stop and he obeys. Sex was painful too,dont know if the pain is real or imaginery. I once visited a doctor for help. Now things are a lot better. I think solution started coming when i changed my mindset and Hubby was really patient. So there is hope for your wifey. God bless you

Touching..

Tnx guy's.

I can't thank you guys more, I must admit your positive contributions will only spur me to do more.

One thing remains that I have vowed never to play away games no matter the challenge marriage brings forth.

Hmmmmm.

Am grateful to you all. Really I got really tired of the situation and needed to purge myself.

bellong: Crystalballs,

He that asks for the way does not get missing. The challenge with your wife may not just be related to pains alone but some other factors may be involved. Except she opens up to you, that is when you can actually have a good picture of what her problem is. Let us try to address some causes of pains during sexual intercourse..

You need to find out from her if she was circumcised. Ladies with genital mutilation experience pains during intercourse which usually discourage them from the act as it doesn't bring any form of pleasure to them. A lady with female genital mutilation never initiates sex and rarely reaches orgasm according to research. If this is her problem, you will have to exercise great patience as she has limited control over this. However, with right psychological therapy, she can get past it.

How well do you handle her prior to the real do. Do you take enough time for pre-intimacy before rushing to the glory-land. Devote more time to pre-intimacy to prepare her psychology and also have her get lubricated enough. If she is not well lubricated, it causes pain and the purpose of the intimacy is defeated.

There is also need to look at the foundation of the marriage considering what you wrote here. Did she marry you because her preferred man jilted her and she is yet to get over it? Some ladies get married to people they never planned to due to pressure from home and peers thereby making the home not enjoyable for themselves and their husbands. The pains may be an excuse to evade intercourse as her heart probably belongs somewhere else (My opinion). Until she is laid bare can we know her real problem.

For a se-x therapist, you can get in touch with Funmi Akingbade (CAFI.PUNCH@YAHOO.COM), she has a colummn in punch on saturdays....

Have been in touch with funmi for a while now. But all the same. .suggestions noted.

dBard: if she chose t marry u then you ve t assume love was in d equation n quell dse creeping doubts that u were deceived.
I tink u weren't observant enuff during courtship else u would ve picked up on it.
Harms done..I still tink counselling is ur best bet.
Keep in mind, ur goal during counselling should not necessarily b towards a 'solution' but it should be towards Understanding d wat n why.
You just need to b very Patient as well..
Lay off the sex as well i.m.o but increase d intimacy..cuddles, hand holding, love touches etc..
Hope it works out f u but she has to be willing as well..get that assurance from her before u seek counselling. its imperative u get that assurrance of her willingness else it'llalso be a waste of time.

All d best..

Sometimes courtship can be deceptive but am not hiding under that.
Just looking for way forward.

Sissie: OP, some women grow up thinking intimate relationship with their husband is chore, and not for their own enjoyment, or they see it just for making babies.

This are practical steps; to add to what some other people suggested.
1. Cuddle more often with your spouse, it's not all cuddling or pre-intimacy that should lead to it.
2. Show more affection generally, compliment her looks, how sexy you think she is, how she's beautiful, make her feel sexy, buy some sexy lingeries.
3. Have more pre-intimacy with your spouse and explore her body, if she doesn't say it, watch how she reacts, read the body language. Leave her wanting more. Have some pre-intimacy and don't have sex.
4. Do this for some couple of times, do not have sex within this period, the idea is to make her feel more easy.

Txn dearie. Just that sometimes you get fed up.

jidegirl12: If you don't want evil to befall your marriage now or in future ( take your share) please F off this thread and let mature people give this responsible man neat and rational advice ....

This is what I call responsibility ... His parents didn't have it rosy and he's determined to make his own marriage work rather than blame anybody for his predicament.

OP

1. Try text messages/ emails ( the quickest one for response, I'm leaning on Text message) and see what happens.

2. Stop doing all the talking, make her relevant in decision making , it seems you're the breadwinner and make the calls in that house, not bad atall but involve her in decision making.

3. I understand this has been going on before your union so I won't make the preggy an excuse... so I'm leaning towards boring sex positions , and she's scared to talk to offend you cos you're her oga at the top ... when you send those text messages, ask for her sex position preferences.. talk very raw and don't hold back , she's your wife.

4. Marriage Counsellor... Now it does NOT automatically solve your problem .. You have to be open to it to make it work. But it helps.

5. Prayer .. don't take it for-granted , it works.

Good luck Bro and my heart goes out to you , you are truly a good man.

Tnx, will heed your advice.

Moses is moving to Liverpool on Loan.

greatgod2012: i just love your approach, you aint selfish at all. May God help you to find a lasting solution to this.

Not that am a saint, but i knoow what my mum went through.

Hence, i vowed to be a loving husband.

greatgod2012: @op, God bless you for looking for solution and for not being selfish. Some men wont even bother to care whether she's happy or not, once their own se*ual needs are met.
May be you can send an e-mail into her inbox about how you feel about the whole issue and ask her to reply you via the same route, maybe she's not expressive enough or might be too shy or not comfortable enough to explain verbally what and why she is behaving as such.

May God help you both.

Amen.

ileobatojo: I did some googling and found this guy, Jerome Onipede, and realized I've attended an event where he spoke. He seemed to know his stuff.

http://www.jeromeistalking.org/about-us

There were some other references in the comments on this page.

http://www.wivestownhallconnection.com/2013/05/marriage-counselor-in-lagos.html

CC made a thread and there are some references there too.


https://www.nairaland.com/1391987/trained-professional-counsellors-house

ok thanks, will definately give it a try.

Eku Orire ooo.

Hope these herald good tidings.

Its civilisation.

dBard: @o.p.. I really do understand where u r coming from. Am sure ur not initiating d sex f a month was deliberate t check her response..u ve bin disappointed thats y u r here.
Undrstand this, some women (ppl) Just Dont Enjoy Sex. it might b f a no of reasons; from physical t d mental, or psychological.
The most worrisome aspect of ur tale is d crying during sex. Even a guy who is just in it f selfish reasons will be disturbed abt that, moreso her husband..n yet she cant cum out wit it seeing its an issue.
Which man will feel comfy knowing his wife doesnt desire him..na wa.
Solution..I tink she needs counselling Asap.
U can only do so much..

Ps; was she like dis wen u were dating or was it a no sex tin

I thought about it and realised i was actually the one who made all moves while still courting.

Also, women can be deceptive during courtship...you only the person you truly love and can never know who and to what extent someone loves you.

Ladies marry because of many reason...money, fame, family background and not generally because they love you, some even marry because the guy is ready to marry them and maybe the guy she actually loves is not ready and willing to settle down.

so much for women deception.

ileobatojo: The fact that she has refused to tell you what's going on means it's a very weighty issue, at least she sees it that way and she may not feel you are ready to hear it. You need to create a safe space where she can tell you, ideally with an independent marriage/sex counselor that is unknown to you both. The counseling should be both individual and joint. Taking her to a gyn to make sure it's nothing physical is a great first step.

Another good suggestion is the one of asking her to write it down and you can write her a response too. My only hope is that you will be able to properly handle what she has to say. But this should not replace counseling. It sounds like she really needs it.

Good on you for looking for solutions. Dong be tired yet! May God help you.

How do i get a councillor....that wont be deceptive and just for monetary gain.

ileobatojo: Disturbing posts. OP don't listen to this bs.

don't mind them. Be rest assured am scared of ex marital affair than any other thing.

Many thanks to you all, really i had to purge myself.

My heart has been heavy, i know marriage can be challenging but this was unexpected.

Women... too complicated.

Chemmy T: Maybe you have really hurt her feelings before by cheating on her.

I have never cheated on her, which she knows.

When we married newly, i was only 6months into my job and was struggling financially... for those periods and like a Year and half, i have to beg for sex..it takes me like 30mins to 1hr to beg her before she would give in.

But, somehow i left paid employement and registered my company. I got series of contract and became financially stable.Built our personal house and two other ones...bought her a car and gave her 500k for her business.

Having realise am financially ok, she became submisive and will allow me to make love to her anytime...i guess this is because she is scared i can now flirt around.

sorry, seems am saying too much...but the truth is i have never cheated on her, but i do contemplate it.

ceewai lebi: smh @op maybe u should ask her to write it out instead of her saying it coz some people are not really expressive.Maybe that might help

You see, have gone to the extent of asking if she was once raped..or why is she scared of sex? All to no avail.

You see, i can decide to be selfish and initiate sex when am in need, but this means she would accept even when she is not in the mood... why can't she request since what is good for the goods is good for the gander.


Your wife does not ask you for sex for a month, and she has never make the first move for up to 3 times in a marriage of over 3yrs and you are not worried!!! Think about it.

You keep asking her why, what are you doing wrongly..where would she want you to concentrate on and she keep silent.

Even the other wives and young ladies living in the same building and vicinity are envious of her husband, by virtue of the kind of luxury she lives in, all due to her man.

Sincerely, am fed up.

♥Dεs•Chγκσ♥:
How much quality time do you spend with your wife? I'm not talking of living under one roof and sleeping in a bed. I mean Go out together, have fun, take pictures frequently. With more action than words, remind her of how crazy you were over her, and why marrying her was your prime priority years back. Make her your bestfriend first before your wife. I have no idea how difficult this task would be to undertake, but you'll have to try it. I'm suggesting this because there seem to be much more emphasis on the 'sexual' aspect of your relationship. You may not have noticed she's silent on a lot of other matters too. Hence, in spite of how this accusation may sting, it may be time to switch gears from seeing her as a 'baby maker' to seeing her as a 'sole-partner' in the business of marriage. Maybe somewhere along the line, you'll unlock that trust which isn't there.
She 'needs' to be H-A-P-P-Y.

You won't believe this is the more reason am worried, we go out with kids almost every weekend, eateries,shopping,beach and cinema.

Am not saying am perfect, but i make sure i buy her cloths,shoes, necklace atleast once a month.

This is the more reason am worried about her attitude towards me.

dBard: Lets call a spade a spade..
She probably frigid.
A month n body neva move her??
Haba!
Communication n patience though remains d key.
Counselling might also b necessary
**off t church*

I need advice on what to do and get the best from her.

chidyhels: You have to keep drawing her out of that shell,make her understand its for you both cos you can't be happy hurting her. Shes probably one of those shy introverts that hardly relate their feelings,but still willing to fulfill her marital obligations.

Have been talking for over 3yrs now, it is as if i complain alot.

Now have decided to keep quiet, and its like we are drifting apart.

ceewai lebi: Does she reach Orgasm when u both make love?

I think she pretend to.

This is what most ladies do, and its does affect men who can decipher the truth.

chidyhels: shes obviously not enjoying it.

But what do i do, when she is not talking?

ok

Na lie.