₦airaland Forum

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Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

A mathematician and a physicist agree ,
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"

Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

You are a Nerd If,
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

Vermont Dumb Laws
- Whistling underwater is illegal

- At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.

- Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

- It is illegal to deny the existence of God

- Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week- - on Saturday night.

Too Much Sugar
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

The Atheist and the Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive, "

He can't hit my fastball ,
Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball.

Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball."

He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park.

Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."

CTC
Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

Better Grades
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

Recent Quips From Late Night
"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman

"Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having MouthAction at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno

"Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien

Kiss per Yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Things To Ponder
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

- Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

- You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards?

- The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

- A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. , Violators Will Be Toad."

911
911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Heart Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."

it is well

bless you

winners chapel afikpo

winners chapel afikpo

stress or no stress,some guys are waiting for you to resign so that they can come and work even though no pay or 40k or less.what they want is every day let them go to work and comeback,and every month every them give him NAIRA

shylle
thank you

ksolo
i understand you but this is a business,you have to cool the cast with them.do you know what this will cost them?try to understand me.

Siena
i just stumble into your profile and i see you and your(sister,mother,friend).tell me more?dont mind me
what i said that where am living,there is no office here.may be you will not know the price as you are aside the country.
the reason i wanted to use the driving lience is becaue i want to open current acct.
thank you for ur understanding.
_kk

Siena
where am located,there is no place where they do the service so that is why i posted this topic to the nearest place and the price.

nigeria is dentined to win

trek

Siena
you are from nigeria?you seem not know nigeria very well.i mean you dont know ebonyi state.