₦airaland Forum

Dear NLders, your constructive input is needed at this critical time of my life. I have been married to my wife for over ten years now and we are blessed with three very lovely children. Our marriage was more than relatively peaceful for the first 4 to 5 years or so. However, it has been a life of cat and mouse for the better part of the last 5 to 6 years. On few occasions, privileged relatives from both sides have intervened to settle some tough marital issues for us.

Two days ago we had another quarrel and we have been keeping our distances. That is, avoiding real communication and only talking when necessary. Yesterday I tried to start a reconciliation with my wife by texting her jokingly that I was outside playing with my daughter but not playing with her thinking that she will reply appropriately and we can get talking again. But she didn't! Just as I was thinking how to sit her down for a chat after returning from her work, I opened my mail and got this very annoying mail from her! I am seriously upset and disturbed right now that I feel like a failed man. My reply to her mail was "Noted. As your lordship pleases".

Now dear friends, what do you think I should do?

Her is her mail:

It is with great sadness that I am writing you this note because it has never been my dreams to write such notes to whom I so much loved.

Anyway, I just feel it is important to itemize here some of the issues that I hold against you.

When I met you in 1995, the feeling was so ecstatic and electrifying because I believed then that I have found a man to love, respect, honour and above all share my sad and joyful moments with.

A man that will look into my eyes and quickly understand my worries, needs and desires and who will be swift in attending to those needs and ensure that I am happy.

A man that will be proud of me and not feel shy to tell me or his accolades; a man that will not seize to look at and cherish my outstanding qualities; a man who will be quick to forgive my shortcomings as Allah alone is perfect!

A man that will stand up for me and not against me; a man that will not try to put me down when I should be praised; a man that will see reasons with me no matter the situation; a man that will seek my happiness and will never insult me, either in private or in public; a man that we'll be comfortable to stand beside each other in public event and share jokes; a man that will seek my opinion on matters concerning him, our children and other issues such as 'building a house'; a man that will let me have my say on issues that concerns us together; a man that will see me as part of his extended family and not shut me up when I try to discuss issues around them; a man that will trust me, that will believe in my woman power of turning things around when all hopes seem lost; a man that will respect my family and see them as his own and share with me all the responsibilities towards them knowing that I am the eldest daughter; a man that will love what I love and hate what I hate and above all, a man who will care and look after me, either well or ill.

Dear, when we eventually got married in 2001, I was full of joy and I continued to dream of all those virtues and was also fervently praying to God to give me the strength to do the same to my beloved husband.

But alas, after five-six years of marriage, the man has suddenly turned coat! he is no longer the man of my dreams as most of the issues mentioned above are now his stock in trade. He cares less about my feelings; you don't check if I am happy, sad or heart-broken; you have become so self-centred, proud, arrogant, pompous and egocentric that every attempt by your wife to disagree with you on issues nowadays automatically translate to her being 'so rude and disrespectful'; any time we have issues together, you are always right, while I am always wrong and this is because you believe you know everything and nobody is above you...remember only Allah is Ya Alim - the All-Knowing'.

You claim to love your children more than I do, yet you're very comfortable to yell and beat them, even at the slightest provocation...see man, if you have been brought up in this barbaric way, please don't apply it to my innocent children in order not to turn them to what you're today - an inpatient, tempestuous and disrespectful adult - because I don't want them to grow up like this and treat their wives or husband and children this way!

After all the sacrifice I am making to ensure that your life is complete, you still deem it fit to insult and call me names. Huh!, you even have the guts to say to my face that 'iwo o le t'ori pe wa je eran, ko maa pe maalu ni boda'. So definitely, you are indirectly telling me that I have been a fool all these years for being supportive of you! Iwo nwu iwa alaimoore...you that is not capable to look after me and my children, you don't cherish my contributions to the family, you don't want me to feel so important or as a life-line holding your life together, instead you see it as your legal rights to collect from me to balance up.

You don't give me money, you don't give me love, you don't care about my emotions...so what do you think will be exciting about being with you? heh!
Even the children do not enjoy your company as their father...you may continue to claim that you love them...because you need those proclamations and convictions!!! You're just a fake!

Anyway, I know that you have long time made up your mind to end this relationship with me somehow and that is why you no longer see me as desirable, which explains why you are unable to tolerate me and always looking for my mistakes or always happy to see me sad; and always ever ready to 'battle to finish' with me any time we have a mis-understanding.

Well, I don't want you to change your mind because I am also very sick and tired of this 'cat and mouse' relationship. I have realized that your attitudes have really had a very negative impact on my life because I would have contested with anyone if they had told me I'll ever raise my voice against anyone not to talk of my partner...so mo wi'pe - ti a ba le ewure de ogiri, o maa nyiju pada si'ni ni.

Therefore, I want to use this medium to let you know that my heart is now separating from yours and it is actually ready to fly away!. End.

Let me add that there is no question about my love for her. But she has become insulting and very disrespectful even at the slightest opportunity. For example, there was an argument sometimes ago and I said to my wife "O go fun nkan ti o so yen (you are stupid to have said that)" to which she replied "iwo naa go. O go o fi enu ho ara (you are more than stupid as well)"

Of course her mail is full of exaggerations but disputing the contents is not my motive here. I very well know that she does not really want a divorce. But how do you forgive and forget this type of insults from your wife whom you are already quarreling with over similar issues?