Dear NLders, your constructive input is needed at this critical time of my life. I have been married to my wife for over ten years now and we are blessed with three very lovely children. Our marriage was more than relatively peaceful for the first 4 to 5 years or so. However, it has been a life of cat and mouse for the better part of the last 5 to 6 years. On few occasions, privileged relatives from both sides have intervened to settle some tough marital issues for us.

Two days ago we had another quarrel and we have been keeping our distances. That is, avoiding real communication and only talking when necessary. Yesterday I tried to start a reconciliation with my wife by texting her jokingly that I was outside playing with my daughter but not playing with her thinking that she will reply appropriately and we can get talking again. But she didn't! Just as I was thinking how to sit her down for a chat after returning from her work, I opened my mail and got this very annoying mail from her! I am seriously upset and disturbed right now that I feel like a failed man. My reply to her mail was "Noted. As your lordship pleases".

Now dear friends, what do you think I should do?

Her is her mail:

It is with great sadness that I am writing you this note because it has never been my dreams to write such notes to whom I so much loved.

Anyway, I just feel it is important to itemize here some of the issues that I hold against you.

When I met you in 1995, the feeling was so ecstatic and electrifying because I believed then that I have found a man to love, respect, honour and above all share my sad and joyful moments with.

A man that will look into my eyes and quickly understand my worries, needs and desires and who will be swift in attending to those needs and ensure that I am happy.

A man that will be proud of me and not feel shy to tell me or his accolades; a man that will not seize to look at and cherish my outstanding qualities; a man who will be quick to forgive my shortcomings as Allah alone is perfect!

A man that will stand up for me and not against me; a man that will not try to put me down when I should be praised; a man that will see reasons with me no matter the situation; a man that will seek my happiness and will never insult me, either in private or in public; a man that we'll be comfortable to stand beside each other in public event and share jokes; a man that will seek my opinion on matters concerning him, our children and other issues such as 'building a house'; a man that will let me have my say on issues that concerns us together; a man that will see me as part of his extended family and not shut me up when I try to discuss issues around them; a man that will trust me, that will believe in my woman power of turning things around when all hopes seem lost; a man that will respect my family and see them as his own and share with me all the responsibilities towards them knowing that I am the eldest daughter; a man that will love what I love and hate what I hate and above all, a man who will care and look after me, either well or ill.

Dear, when we eventually got married in 2001, I was full of joy and I continued to dream of all those virtues and was also fervently praying to God to give me the strength to do the same to my beloved husband.

But alas, after five-six years of marriage, the man has suddenly turned coat! he is no longer the man of my dreams as most of the issues mentioned above are now his stock in trade. He cares less about my feelings; you don't check if I am happy, sad or heart-broken; you have become so self-centred, proud, arrogant, pompous and egocentric that every attempt by your wife to disagree with you on issues nowadays automatically translate to her being 'so rude and disrespectful'; any time we have issues together, you are always right, while I am always wrong and this is because you believe you know everything and nobody is above you...remember only Allah is Ya Alim - the All-Knowing'.

You claim to love your children more than I do, yet you're very comfortable to yell and beat them, even at the slightest provocation...see man, if you have been brought up in this barbaric way, please don't apply it to my innocent children in order not to turn them to what you're today - an inpatient, tempestuous and disrespectful adult - because I don't want them to grow up like this and treat their wives or husband and children this way!

After all the sacrifice I am making to ensure that your life is complete, you still deem it fit to insult and call me names. Huh!, you even have the guts to say to my face that 'iwo o le t'ori pe wa je eran, ko maa pe maalu ni boda'. So definitely, you are indirectly telling me that I have been a fool all these years for being supportive of you! Iwo nwu iwa alaimoore...you that is not capable to look after me and my children, you don't cherish my contributions to the family, you don't want me to feel so important or as a life-line holding your life together, instead you see it as your legal rights to collect from me to balance up.

You don't give me money, you don't give me love, you don't care about my emotions...so what do you think will be exciting about being with you? heh!
Even the children do not enjoy your company as their father...you may continue to claim that you love them...because you need those proclamations and convictions!!! You're just a fake!

Anyway, I know that you have long time made up your mind to end this relationship with me somehow and that is why you no longer see me as desirable, which explains why you are unable to tolerate me and always looking for my mistakes or always happy to see me sad; and always ever ready to 'battle to finish' with me any time we have a mis-understanding.

Well, I don't want you to change your mind because I am also very sick and tired of this 'cat and mouse' relationship. I have realized that your attitudes have really had a very negative impact on my life because I would have contested with anyone if they had told me I'll ever raise my voice against anyone not to talk of my partner...so mo wi'pe - ti a ba le ewure de ogiri, o maa nyiju pada si'ni ni.

Therefore, I want to use this medium to let you know that my heart is now separating from yours and it is actually ready to fly away!. End.

Let me add that there is no question about my love for her. But she has become insulting and very disrespectful even at the slightest opportunity. For example, there was an argument sometimes ago and I said to my wife "O go fun nkan ti o so yen (you are stupid to have said that)" to which she replied "iwo naa go. O go o fi enu ho ara (you are more than stupid as well)"

Of course her mail is full of exaggerations but disputing the contents is not my motive here. I very well know that she does not really want a divorce. But how do you forgive and forget this type of insults from your wife whom you are already quarreling with over similar issues?

My advice:

1. I think you both need professional marital counseling. The subtle anger stems from an inability to properly communicate. Not sure how you will get this.

2. I think you both need to heal from childhood wounds. Sit down with her to have a heart to heart conversation about your childhood history, vulnerability, and pls don't judge each other.

3. You both have communication issues. Although you insult, abuse, and fight - you both have a serious inability to properly communicate. I suggest that you continue to write letters to each other, if that is the best method of communication. Your wife has a lot more to say and so do you. Do not merely respond by saying "as your lordship pleases." Tell her why you chose to marry her, make her the mother of your children, and remind her why you love her.

4. Only you both can chose to make this work. So its your choice. The inability to know how to properly communicate breeds, anger, hatred, and so much more.

This is not a problem that only affects you and your wife, but I believe this is a Nigerian issue, where by ignoring a problem means you are "an adult" or rather instead of speaking you intimidate, yell, scream, or commit acts of violence. Many Nigerians are raised up this way. Its norm.

For some strange reasons which I cant place my finger on, I think you are all your wife explained.
Change your ways, be more tolerant and enjoy your marriage

Yes it is required of a woman to be submissive to their husbands yet for the husbands too to respect them you dont respect your wife by telling her"o go" owo die die lara n fe= everyone deserves little respect, learn to respect your wife's opinion forgive her and show the love. Some men feel by showing their wifes they love them they are downgrading themselves then why did you marry her if you cannot show her the love till d end. I thnk you should fa iyawo yin mora if indeed you love your children, respect her.

Madam cc: mind urself ooo... hehehe..... My new girlfriend jacked my login. I think she's trying to tell me something.

Why dnt u go and draft a sort of 2 weeks vacation with her to rekindle the lost love. Take her away from home, dnt take the kids with you, send them to ur mother. I bliv you guys will certainly cure it.
Goodluck

Dont try to always be the boss in all issues.Forget d mail she sent.Call her nd say u ar sory for evrytin.U wont die sayin it.Giv her a chanc to expres her mind on isues nd alow her take some decisions too.Let her see reasons why som decisions shld nt be accepted bt always acept her contributons at first evn though u wil stil go agnst it ltr but in a matured way.Show love to her always nd let her feel wanted.Let there be good comunication btw u always.See her always has ur half,ur sista nd mother

@Obowunmi & Chaircover,

Floxxi: Yes it is required of a woman to be submissive to their husbands yet for the husbands too to respect them you dont respect your wife by telling her"o go" owo die die lara n fe= everyone deserves little respect, learn to respect your wife's opinion forgive her and show the love. Some men feel by showing their wifes they love them they are downgrading themselves then why did you marry her if you cannot show her the love till d end. I thnk you should fa iyawo yin mora if indeed you love your children, respect her.

Well thanks for your advice.

Aaaah - so roles have changed. Now its hard to comment, are you supporting her with house work?

I don't know what to say. Hope no one is toasting her at work.

obowunmi: Aaaah - so roles have changed. Now its hard to comment, are you supporting her with house work?

I don't know what to say. Hope no one is toasting her at work.

How have roles changed because a wife supports his family financially? We are talking of living abroad and I don't think it's a big deal for this to happen. You should know that it's entirely different from living in Nigeria.
I do up to 35 to 40% of house chores not because of her financial support but for the love and her sometimes tight schedule. I could do same if I was not getting any financial support from her.

All i can say is the solution lies with you both.
"As your Lordship pleases" is not the appropriate reply for her mail.
From your wife's note,she sounds like she hasn't been happy for a long time.
Though you say the things she wrote are not all through,i doubt that since the mail was supposed to be for just you.
You probably haven't been listening enough and that made her pour her heart out in that mail.
Reply it as sincerely as you can.stay off inciting statements and insults.
This isn't the time to play blame games.You have your faults and she has hers.
The only way to work this out is communicate,communicate and communicate!
A professional counselor would'nt have been a bad idea if not for the clause you mentioned.
As long as you both desire to make it work,it will with a lot of patience,respect and kindness to and for each other.
All the best!

Op.Learn to love her unconditionally just as God loves you unconditionally and you will see a change.Just learn to have the qualities of God because what i read above is not God's qualities.Most Nigerian Men do not love their wives unconditionally they tend to use Religion to control their wives.Do not allow your habits to change your wife to a bad person whose conscience is dead because you will be the first person to pay for it due to hatred.

How selfish and proud are we! so with all what your wife have said, you still think of how you can forgive and forget, me, me, me and to top it all up, your reason for calling her disrespectful was because she talked back at you!

In all walks of life, respect is earned, you don't automatically become respected just because you are Mr husband and that is the truth.
The people that respects and I mean truly respect their husband ( not oju aye or have to respect because of circumstances!), you go and ask them how their husband treats them

That woman is frustrated and obviously not happy, talk to your other half, communicate properly, talk like you use to in 1995 - 2001 era. She is obviously very hurt and she properly thinks/knows talking to you will fall on deaf ears hence the reason why she had to pen down her feelings

Lastly, she shares financial responsibilities does not mean she should disrespects you, if sharing financial responsibilities is an excuse for disrespect,then there will rarely be no happy home left!. However husband have you adapted to your present living condition?

Anyway, It is well, marriages have challenging times. God will give you the wisdom to lead your home

Go and ask any man who has been happily married for years and is enjoying being a married Man, the secret to their happiness is first making the right choice of a patient, kind and supportive wife and secondly; not shouting and anoouncing your "manship".
My husbands friends laugh at him and call him woman wrapper and he proudly answers because he tells them he is happily a woman wrapper them none women wrappers who stay and argue and exchange words with their wives over every single thing can't stay home and enjoy peace and quiet
They can't enjoy the joy and peace of their families, they jump from joint to joint and club to club because they have failed to take real headship and so created hell in their homes.
What am I saying? It seems you enjoy exchanging words with your wife and hurting her, you enjoy seeing the reaction of your painful words and her tears, let me tell you, the day she stops crying then your marriage is half over because she has given up. The day she starts removing her heart from you.
You married a good woman, one who supports the family financially, so many women wouldn't do that. Stop the bickering, stop wanting to feel like a "man" by hurting her and making her cry, if as a man you build hell in your house then expect to live with the devil.
She poured out her heart and you called it "annoying and silly"
Your wife too has learnt from you to talk and be insultive. Those men you see enjoying their homes may look like fools to you because it seems they agree with their wives and let the wives feel like they are in control but they are the smartest men in the world. A man who makes a wife happy will live in heaven.
Stop making her feel guilty for taking care of your home. Stop saying things like "when a woman is in charge financially she becomes rude", she has done no wrong by being supportive, you are a man stop bickering, your job is LOVE, kill her with Love, that is how submissiveness and respect grows, love her, stop being proud, stop being boastful, stop the bickering and nagging it can be irritating, stop taking out your anger and resentment on your kids.
Grow up please, being a leader and a head is very hard work, if you don't know how to please go and learn and stop spending your enegry hurting the poor woman and the innocent kids

@debrief, too many assumptions in your post. I've said it earlier, debunking her claim in the mail is not my intention.

Thanks anyway.

.

No assumptions, I read your wifes mail and digested and obviously you didn't digest it, more interested in still bickering and finding faults and points to argue instead of HEARING her, she wrote because she is tired and frustrated, talking doesn't seem to work. I felt ever word of that letter. If you have an atom of love you will put your ego down and read and hear her.
Or are you interested in those who will come and help you bash her and call her disrespectful and support you?
They are so many wounds, lead your home back to peace or keep bickering your choice

Why do Nigerians do this? Why do you chose to share your intimate private lives with utter strangers, most of whom you're probably wiser than?

If you have an issue with your private life, seek counseling from people you know are wiser than you, not stangers!!!


And it seems like you're the one with the problems!!

If you see a successful marriage, you have seen a very patience man.

Henry40: Why do Nigerians do this? Why do you chose to share your intimate private lives with utter strangers, most of whom you're probably wiser than?

If you have an issue with your private life, seek counseling from people you know are wiser than you, not stangers!!!


And it seems like you're the one with the problems!!

its an anonymous forum, not facebook.. u blockhead

disturbedman:

Agreed with the bolded but it was said in anger. Is it too much to get away with? So you're saying it was right for her to reply me in same manner?

Well thanks for your advice.

You said something in anger and expected her to cut you some slack, errrr, is it too much for you to take whatever she said as also said in anger and cut her some slack too?


I am not going to make any assumptions about you or your wife but it looks like you two still love each other given her letter and your post. In the absence of professional counsellors, you both need to calm the eff down and talk. I said talk o not shout at each other.

Best wishes.

Henry40: Why do Nigerians do this? Why do you chose to share your intimate private lives with utter strangers, most of whom you're probably wiser than?

If you have an issue with your private life, seek counseling from people you know are wiser than you, not stangers!!!


And it seems like you're the one with the problems!!

The voice of GOD is in everyman ; only inspiration from GOD gives understanding

slimyem: All i can say is the solution lies with you both.
"As your Lordship pleases" is not the appropriate reply for her mail.
From your wife's note,she sounds like she hasn't been happy for a long time.
Though you say the things she wrote are not all through,i doubt that since the mail was supposed to be for just you.
You probably haven't been listening enough and that made her pour her heart out in that mail.
Reply it as sincerely as you can.stay off inciting statements and insults.
This isn't the time to play blame games.You have your faults and she has hers.
The only way to work this out is communicate,communicate and communicate!
A professional counselor would'nt have been a bad idea if not for the clause you mentioned.
As long as you both desire to make it work,it will with a lot of patience,respect and kindness to and for each other.
All the best!

No woman is happy......Make him kill himself?......na a man go do all those things. With 3 kids...divorce is okay here.

Mr Op! I dont have much to say about this matter, but I can assure you that ur wife is saying it like it hurt regardless of the insultive words you saw in her mail!

Before now you both are living happy, until the misunderstanding started. Those things she counted are what she expects from you, why not start doing some of them and dialogue with her on the ones you couldn't meet up with? Start seeing ur wife as ur body not a partner, that way you wont feel insulted! That goes to her too!

I pray ur marriage works!!

good story teller. But rest assured that some ppl know that this is a fake story. Don't start thinking that u have fooled everybody

@debrief you are waiting your words. His arrogance iws obvious in the post and he will not change. He is convinced his wife is at fault and cares not to hear otherwise. All he wants is validation that she is a silly woman and should be happy for food on the table and a roof over her head. His wife will leave him soon enough and move on with her life and in 10 years he will be back with the same sob storry from wife number 2

Way I see it. Money is an important factor in your marriage, it gave you control. Now you're on a level playing field, you've got to change strategy...you've got to bring out the woman in you.... all those kind of things CC said above.. love, care, love, care.. etc.. else you'll lose.

In Nigeria, most men use money to buy control.... rarely do you see a man, bath a kid, cook, etc... from poor to medium and rich people... so, it's your call... like when you are in Nigeria, you could have maid help out to buy time, have a car, with driver, this stuff essential helps a woman, and regardless of whatever men do, they see men as seriously taking care of them.. You've to give in something. She's bitter because you guys work hard together... and she still puts in a lot more on the homefront than you do.... You can't be tough no more...

My advise to you is, not to discuss or talk to her, but begin to do things a different way at the home front. Not necessarily to her at first, maybe to the kids, then to her.. I think this might fix the situation... You know, just be more fun....and don't fight back....

garba: good story teller. But rest assured that some ppl know that this is a fake story. Don't start thinking that u have fooled everybody

At least let's treat it like a "real" case first. you never know. . .

Oga, women are rarely wrong about things like this. U married her and u both have 3 children as u said with ur own mouth, so why would outside people come to settle what they don´t know what it started. 4 the sake of peace and also 4 ur children speak 2 ur wife. There is something u are doing that u have to stop and it would be in the best interest of ur marriage 4 u 2 change. Sit ur wife down like an adult and speak heart to heart with her, without looking 4 who to blame, throwing insults or fighting.