₦airaland Forum

Thanks for the advice all. I do truly want to be there for him as a friend and feel like I have tried to repeatedly reach out to him and gotten nothing but shut out, this is very hard for me, especially when I know that he has spent time with our mutual friend and others, meaning that he has not shut others out, only me, because I care for him, not being allowed to be there for him hurts my feelings, however, I am not trying to dump him, I care for him and am willing to wait if i knew that he was not finished with me but if he is finished with me, don't i deserve to hear that from him so i can move on and get over him if there is no hope for us. I understand that the text I sent was harsh and have apologized for it profusely. At the time I sent it, I did not know that his dad was sick. All I knew was that he went missing overnight and when he came back he said he was in the hosptial with his sick uncle. The text said, "it seems like lately calling me and telling me whats going on with you is stressing you out and i don't want to be a cause of stress to you, maybe we should just be friends". I was angry when i sent the text because i was not being included in his life and felt that had he told me what was going on maybe i could have helped in someway but I didn't realize what I said would cause him not to talk to me for so long, and now, even since we have talked, it is very distant as if he does not care or is only responding to text to be polite. I understand that he is going through a lot right now with his family but why he won't allow me to be there for him is what i cannot understand. I am not sure at this point if he even wants my friendship since he keeps rejecting my attempts to reach out and support him. I just wish he would tell me what I could do to help and if he even wants me in his life ever again, that way I could know what to do. I agree with Goldie and others who have said that I should give him space and time and it will hurt me not to talk to and/or see him but I can do it if it would maybe help the situation. Should I not contact him at all ?

I have been in a relationship with this naija guy here in the states for about 3 months with this guy who came after me, dated me, treated me well and then after about a month, he asked me to be his girlfriend. After I did, everything was cool until after about two months, I noticed his behavior changed, he would call and text me less than before so I waited some time and finally told him I didn't like it and he promised to do better, which he did for about a week. Then the next week, he went missing for a day and then after i called him twice, he finally texted me the next day saying that he was in the hospital with his sick uncle. I didn't believe him and got mad so i sent me a text saying maybe we should just be friends. He went silent, and didn't respond. The next day, I felt bad and I called and texted to apologize, and no word from him for 2 weeks! Finally, a mutual friend intervened and she confirmed that his uncle was sick and that his dad is terminally ill in naija and so he's going through a lot since he cannot be there for his family in nigeria. She got him to finally call me a few days later and when he called, I told him I was sorry again and he seemed non-chalant and polite, he didn't really want to talk about what was going on but he seemed okay, he apologized for not calling me, said he's been busy, etc. He ended the convo with "I'll talk to you later." He didn't call me again, so after a few days, I called and texted him again and he only responds to texts hours later with a polite "i'm okay just busy". After about a week, I offered (by text) to bring food to his house so I could see him as my attempt to be supportive of what he was going through and he did not respond for 2 days. When he did respond, he said "sorry, I just got this, was out of town but wish I could have been in town, thanks for the offer, i'll holla at u later". Its been another two days since that text and nothing from him. Should I just stop calling him, i feel like i am chasing him and he doesn't want me anymore. if that is the case, why not just tell me? Should I try calling him at work? Should i try to get our mutual friend to arrange a meeting? I need to know why he's treating me so bad! Or Should i be patient and leave him alone until he contacts me since he is dealing with a sick parent? or is he just using his sick family as an excuse because he doesn't care about me anymore? I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and he only lives about an hour away from me. He's acting so different towards me and I want to know why? What should I do?

This is all very good advice and I appreciate the comments o, but now I am somewhat conflicted, some say I should just contact him again and show my interest, others say I should wait on him to do something because I don't want to look desperate and I definetly do not want to look desperate, I usually think that the man should be the one to make all the first moves, as a woman all I should have to do is respond but now the interpretation of the "I am not so innocent" statement makes me think I have not responded as I should, given what I have already done shouldn't he know that I am interested? After all don't guys know that girls like me will never even go out of thier way to talk to you if we were not interested? If, not what else could I do to show my interest without looking desperate ? or what else could the "I am not so innocent" statement mean?

Thanks for your helpful comments Fabiyi, I will try and take your advice because I do really like this guy and would like to start a relationship with him.

I was raised in the UK and have not had much experience dating nigerian men but right before I went to a recent visit to Nigeria I emailed this guy, I met once in college in the UK to ask him about Nigeria since he was living there at the time. We were school mates but did not know each other well. When I got to Nigeria, I called the phone he gave me by email andwe talked for sometime and he asked me to come visit him but I declined the inital invitation because it was little late at night when he asked and my transport issues did not allow for such. (Although I only told him, I thought it was too late) . He then invited me to a work get together at a local resturant. I went and enjoyed dinner with him and his firends but we didn't talk much and I had to leave early due to transport issues. I emailed him when I was about to leave and told him that if he was ever in my area in the UK he should call me. He came back to the UK and sent me an email saying hi. After about two weeks he went back to Nigeria to work for some time and even while he was there we continued to talk back and forth over email for about 1 month (just jokes and about our respective work) and he even teased me saying "I look innocent but he knows that I am not" (what does that mean?) After about a month I asked him to add me to his IM, he said he already had (I just hadn't noticed he added me a month before that) we talked on IM a few times (still same jokes etc) but only when I started the conversation. The other day, I started a conversation with him and he said he had to go and he would be back on IM in an hour, then he came back on after 45 mins and immediatly signed off. I took this to mean that he didn't want to talk to me so the next day, I signed on as invisible to him, he was on IM all day, even longer than he usually is (I began to wonder if he was on there waiting to talk to me) Anyway, the next time I signed on I didn't say anything to him and he didn't say anything to me. That's where we are now and I really can't tell from that if he is interested at all? Should I have done something else? Can I do something more now? I mean he is in Nigeria for the time being (not sure when he's coming back to the UK) so shoudl I just wait until he gets back to the UK and contacts me? What do you think? Thanks.

hi