₦airaland Forum

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Aircon - Factory fitted very Cold
Fuel - Petrol
Engine - Excellent condition
Gearbox - Automatic
Model Year- 2003
Vehicle Type - Honda Pilot
Car Stereo -WMA/AAC CD DECK with 4 side speakers , 2 Back speakers, 4 side twitters.
Doors - 5 doors
Interior –Leather Seats
Power Steering-Yes
Power window.-yes
Tyre - 4 new tyres with alloys

Contact: Emmanplat (Platinum Globular Assuage Ltd.)  08058102758 or 08035793883 or BB PIN: 30C8EB37

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Aircon - Factory fitted very Cold
Fuel - Petrol
Engine - Excellent condition
Gearbox - 5 gear,Automatic
Model Year- 2004
Vehicle Type - Honda Accord LX
Car Stereo -WMA/AAC CD DECK with 4 side speakers , 2 Back speakers.
Doors - 4 doors
Interior –Fabric Seats
Power Steering-Yes
Power window.-yes


Contact: Emmanplat (Platinum Globular Assuage Ltd.)  08058102758 or 08035793883 or BB PIN: 30C8EB37

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Aircon - Factory fitted very Cold
Colour - Silver
Fuel - Petrol
Engine - Excellent condition
Gearbox - 5 gear,Automatic
Model Year- 2007
Vehicle Type - Toyota Camry LE
Car Stereo -WMA/AAC CD DECK with 4 side speakers , 2 Back speakers.
Doors - 4 doors
Interior –Fabric Seats
Power Steering-Yes
Power window.-yes


Contact: Emmanplat (Platinum Globular Assuage Ltd.)  08058102758 or 08035793883 or BB PIN: 30C8EB37

Jalingo – Plans have been concluded by frustrated residents of Taraba state to replace their less-than-active governor with a polished piece of wood.

A source within the Aggrieved Residents of Taraba committee asked wazobia report a simple question: “Have you people ever heard of Danbaba Danfulani Suntai?"

Unfortunately we had no
idea who he was talking about until we managed to google his name on Bing.

The inactive governor of Taraba state is said to be solely focused on being unfocused, and like his political colleague Obj, he simply does not give a damn.

This explains why not many have heard this strange name outside of Taraba state.

Residents have therefore insisted on replacing the governor with a polished piece of wood, because although it (the piece of wood) might be almost as inactive as the current governor on issues of governance and progress, it will also remain inactive with the state treasury, which is more than can be said about the current administration.

Meanwhile, the situation in Taraba appears to have sparked a dangerous trend in the nation as citizens have began to clamor for the replacement of political figures with various objects and
animals.

The residents of Oyo state appear to favor an old pair of jeans to replace their current governor, while the Idoma people of Benue state were said to have embraced a carpenter’s hammer and a very
big goat to replace the governor and senate president respectively.

Residents of Abia state are said to be interested in replacing their current governor with absolutely nothing.

The people’s choices of replacement for their leaders appear to reflect exactly how they feel about them.

“I will rather be led by a lifeless stick and a brainless goat in their real form than a lifeless stick and a brainless goat disguised as a human being,” said one of the protesters.

- By Owi the J.town boy

www.wazobiareports.com

Source- www.wazobiareports.com

Source-www.wazobiareports .com

Lagos - The beginning of a new year is usually a time of great expectations and renewed hope for a nation, but not so for Nigeria this year.

Shocked by a series of uncharacteristic terrorist attacks in the last few days of 2010, Nigerians are understandably not celebrating as usual.

And as the culprits are still at large, the people of this great Nation, who have been called the happiest people on earth, are not very happy.

But Nigerians are quick to remind the world that THEY ARE NOT TERRORISTS, even if some of their leaders (or their wives) are prone to occasionally dropping verbal bombs.

For this reason, and for love of country, Nigerians have began an internet campaign to do something about the faceless terrorists in their midst.

Through social networks, blogs, email, and even BB messages, Nigerians are calling on one another to jointly place a curse upon the people responsible for the Independence Day explosions, the bombings in Jos and the New Year's eve Abuja attacks.

Wazobia Report has obtained a version of the suggested curse been circulated:

"May all the bad, bad things that bad, bad people can imagine with their bad, bad minds, happen to the people behind the terrorist attacks in Nigeria.

"May all those bad, bad things follow them about and plague them and their families for generations to come.

"And may the mark of the bad, bad things be visible on them for all to see, so that they would never have a place to hide and they would never be free from torment for ever and ever.

"Amen."

It is believed that by the time all Nigerians that receive the curse request have cursed the cowardly idiots, a record would have been set for the largest number of people to jointly curse a single group of stupid, insignificant, inconsequential, sorry excuses for human beings.

According to an organiser of the campaign, "This is just a formality; the souls of the innocent people they killed are already bearing witness against them before God."

- Joe Aibozaw

Abuja - The race is heating up for the presidency of the Federal republic of Nigeria as the justice party candidate, Pastor Chris Okotie, released what he described as “the road to Utopia” depicted in a 20 point agenda.

Okotie explained that the 20 point agenda will address all the major challenges facing Nigeria and will propel the nation to greatness in only two years.

The 20 point agenda covers a wide range of issues including the Palestinian crisis and the capture of Osama Bin Laden.

Responding to questions on why the capture of Osama Bin Laden should be on the agenda of a Nigerian presidential campaign, pastor Okotie responded by informing the press that Nigeria must begin to lead on world issues if she wants to be taken seriously.

He said: “Never mind that we lack the military capability to sustain a prolonged military deployment. All that will be addressed in the 20 point agenda. I will make Nigeria great and we will lead the world again like we did before.”

It is not clear what Pastor Okotie meant by, “like we did before.”

Meanwhile, in what can best be explained as a swift reaction to Pastor Chris’ strategic political maneuver, the IBB campaign and the Atiku campaign have both released a 55 and 56 point agenda respectively.

IBB’s 55 point agenda was released about 4 hours after Oktie’s, and Atiku’s 56 point agenda was released about an hour after IBB’s.

What is most strange is that IBB’s 55 point agenda contains all the initial 20 of Okotie’s with an additional 35 points, while Atiku’s 56 point agenda contains all of IBB’s 55 points with an additional 1.

The Babangida campaign rejected any suggestion that they plagiarized Okotie’s initial 20 points, while the Atiku campaign described as utterly false and unfounded, the notion that they lifted IBB’s 55 points.

The IBB campaign seemed especially proud of their trans-universe travel proposal.

“Okotie will only bring you Bin Laden. We will bring you Bin Laden then dump him on Jupiter and use him to check if there is breathable air there, so all Nigerians can visit the planet in the future,” IBB’s campaign manager is quoted as saying.

The Atiku campaign was particularly pleased with their 56th point: To determine once and for all, exactly which one came first, the chicken or the egg.

The campaign manager is quoted as saying, “You see, all the campaigners of Okotie and Babangida are talking about all these big big things, but they have failed to remember that we Nigerians also care about the little things. Atiku will bring you all the big things, then in addition, he will also gie you all the important little things like solving the chicken egg paradox.”

The Okotie campaign appears to be very disappointed with the turn of events and an Okotie insider who spoke to Wazobia Report off the record said, “What is the problem with politics in this country? You come out with something and the other people steal it in less than a day (literally). We have a new plan that will catch these political thieves by surprise. I will not tell what it is, but just know it’s coming.”

Wazobia Report cannot authoritatively confirm what this plan is but rumor has it that the Okotie camp have planned a whooping “uncountable point agenda” which will solve all the problems of the galaxy.

It is hoped that this strategy will definitely knock their opponents off balance.
- By Owi the J.town boy

Abuja - Chairman of the Independent Nigerian Electoral Commission (INEC), Professor Attahiru Mohammed Jega, OFR, is leaving nothing to chance in his determination to run a free and fair election in 2011.

According to the Chairman, all forms of rigging need to be anticipated and guarded against, and the use of juju to win elections constitutes unfair advantage - in other words, it is a form of rigging.

The Jega led INEC has already concluded plans to use video cameras to capture activities at and around polling boots in the 2011 elections.

This unprecedented and strategic move has already led to some political office aspirants to step down, but as the commission’s spiritual adviser pointed out, ‘Winch no dey show for camera.’

Realising that for some Nigerian’s, winning an election is a ‘do-or-die’ affair, the Commission realised the hopelessness of technology against potent black magic.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the commission held a secret meeting with all notable Pastors and Imams in Nigeria, but when confronted with the task of thwarting witchery in the upcoming elections, the men of God declined to get involved, quoting several passages from their respective Holy books to justify their apolitical stance.

A member of on of the congregations represented at the meeting hinted that while he could not speak for the other spiritual leaders, he suspected that his Pastor's decision not to get involved might have something to do with the grade of juju often employed by politicians during elections.

According to him: “Don’t say you heard it from me, but you see, to cast out bed-wetting demon is one thing, but to fight juju prepared in India by flying Ninjas is another thing.”

Failing to secure anti-witchcraft protection from the religious leaders, the commission decided to press the Presidency, pun intended, for a law that would allow all non-major-religion spiritualist to be detained indefinitely for the duration of the election period.

The President has since approved the proposal and his office even submitted a list of names and addresses of people that the commission might want to talk to.

It is unclear how the President, or someone in his office, came by the list of what is reported to be a record of very powerful jazz-men in Nigeria, but an aide in Aso Rock hinted that most PDP Governors are in possession of the same list.

- Joe Aibozaw

Lagos - The uproar that followed the announcement of the 6 billion Naira sim card registration project has led the minister responsible to speak out.

The sim registration exercise was introduced to make it possible to trace criminals who make crank calls to government officials.

A justification widely circulated by the federal government is the need for security services to be able to do that keep-them-on-the-line-long-enough thing that the FBI guys do in American movies.

It is believed that this would greatly enhance the status of the Nigerian police, who till date do not know who hacked into the House of Rep website to post such obscenities as how much our lawmakers are paid.

Going by the sim registration law, anyone wanting to buy a mobile phone needs to be accompanied by both parents, have a letter of recommendation from their landlord, pastor, imam or bank manager, and swear an affidavit that they will not use their new phone to make 'help-me-with-something' calls to highly placed friends or relatives in government.

Failure to comply with the rules of mobile phone usage will result in a forfeiture of ones parents. Nuf said.

At the Ikoyi Club in Lagos, and posing as Lagos big boys, we caught up with the minister whose ministry is in charge of the sim registration exercise.

After several bottles of Moet, we got him to speak freely about the controversial law:

WR:
So, what about this sim registration thing? Is it really going ahead?

Minister:
Oh yeah! Once we get those pests at the house of rep to approve the six billion Naira budget, it’s a go.

WR:
Six billion? Wowzers. That's a lot! T hat's almost as much as I paid for my new yacht.

Minister:
(shrugs and reaches for his champagne flute but cant figure out which one is his)

WR:
Does that mean I have to now register all my 24 phone lines?

Minister:
Oh no, the law is not meant for people like you, like us.

WR:
Oh, really? I was thinking I'll have to start roaming one of my international lines, to get past the need to register my Naija lines. I can't afford for my lines to be traced, you understand.

Minister:
Nah. Let me tell you a secret, even after the registration, we still won’t be able to trace anyone. We just don't have the technology. And what's to stop people registering with fake names?

WR:
You have a point there. So, what's the point of the exercise then?

Minister:
I can give you six billion reasons.

WR:
Name just one

Minister:
Imagine, even my driver has a mobile phone? What nonsense. When I'm making calls, he's also receiving text messages. Who told him mobile phones is for everybody? Gone are the good old days of nought nine nought, when only the truly special had cellular phones. Now the likes of MTN and Globacom have bastardized the whole thing. How can my messenger be using the same Blackberry Bold as me, his boss?

WR:
So this is the real reason your ministry has introduced the sim registration law; to reduce the number of mobile phone owners to the members of the upper classes?

Minister:
What did you say you do again?

- Wazobia Report Undercover Reporter

Abuja - Dora Akunyili has resigned as Minister of Information and announced that she would be running for senate.

This comes after a closed door meeting between the now former Minister of Information and the CBN governor who is yet to resign from his own job. The meeting was ostensibly to discuss the governor's mouth running over lawmaker's pay.

It would be recalled that the CBN governor recently experienced a brief moment of suicidal thoughts which led him to expose how lawmakers eat up 25% of the Nation's budget. That he is still in office is testament to the competence of his spiritual advisers.

Although what transpired between the two is not known, a source has revealed to Wazobia Report that soon after the meeting, the honourable minister scheduled an emergency meeting with select members of the senate. She is said to have enquired about the actual pay that senators take home.

Our source further claims that immediately after meeting with the senators, the minister made several phone calls to the offices of the auditor general, the accountant general, the pay master general, and the inland revenue.

This series of frantic calls which where overheard, saw her resorting to the 'Do you know who I am?' routine, as she went about verifying the talkative CBN governor's figures.

The minister is said to have stayed late at work on this particular day, causing some of her staff's partner's to declare their spouses missing as it's unthinkable that a Nigerian civil servant would still be at work after 3pm.

The day ended with the minister settling at her desk and counting to ten before making one last call to the head of the most promising political party in her State.

Madam Dora has since tendered her resignation which is to take effect immediately, and she has in her speech to the cabinet, promised her former colleagues that she's got their backs, if elected to the senate.

Leaked US diplomatic cables released by Wikileaks revealed that Anglo-Dutch oil giant Shell, has spies at the Nigerian Ministry of Petroleum Resources, giving it access to vital decisions on the future of the oil-rich Niger Delta.

This release confirms long-held suspicions that Shell’s pudgy, oily finger is responsible for stirring up unrest across this region. Despite billions of dollars in oil revenue, communities in Niger-Delta live in abject poverty while Nigerian politicians and foreign oil companies go smiling to the bank.

On December 14, 2010, the Nigerian Minister of Petroleum Resources, Mrs. Deizani Alison-Madueke announced the results of the massive witch-hunt launched as a result of the Wikileaks release.

Speaking at a press conference at the Federal Secretariat in Abuja, Honourable Alison-Madueke announced that Ministry staff were subjected to a surprise search using rented full body airport scanners. In addition, ministry staff had to swear their innocence on the heads of their first children or mothers, using the Koran, the Bible or an amulet covered cow horn.

The search took an unexpected turn after a Nigerian State Secret Service (SSS) officer seized a package of roasted groundnuts from a man. While the SSS officer was snacking on the confisticated groundnuts, he discovered that the paper used as a wrapper was a recent official document just issued by the Honourable Minister the day before.

Following a friendly water boarding-free interrogation at the SSS headquarters, the man admitted that he worked for Shell and came to the Ministry for his weekly visit with the groundnut seller, Mama Blessing. The groundnut seller would then wrap his groundnuts with documents stolen from Ministry offices. Mama Blessing confirmed the allegations, saying that she has been spying for Shell in exchange for US green cards for members of her family.

When contacted by Wazobia Report, the Public Relations Officers for Shell and the American consulate in Nigeria declined to comment on this latest development.

A staff at the consulate, Miss X, agreed to speak to Wazobia Report. She stated, “The United States has no interest whatsoever in any oil dealings in Nigeria. The United States’ future is in green alternative energy and any involvement in Nigeria is simply on compassionate humanitarian grounds.”

During this interview, the American woman’s nose grew noticeably longer and eventually sprouted an olive branch. A flustered Miss X explained to the surprised reporter that she had a genetic disorder known as the Pinocchio Syndrome.

- Reporting for Wazobia Report, Ms. Waka-Waka.

A group describing themselves as the New Nigeria Patriotic Front, have claimed to be the lack of brains behind the recent theft of election machines in Nigeria.

A number of direct data capture machines belonging to the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC), and meant for service in the upcoming elections, recently vanished, causing Jega to write a CV - just in case.

In defence of the INEC Chairman, it must be said that he is not a magician, and neither are his commissioners, so it is quite disingenuous for people to blame him for not keeping the machines safe from thievery.

Speculation has been rife over who orchestrated the theft. Some people have sworn to have proof that the machines were stolen to order.

Sources have also claimed that the secret police are working on a lead that involves the chieftains of a certain do-or-die political party.

The New Nigeria Patriotic Front contacted the police via a 'number withheld' phone call to claim responsibility for the deft heist. Due to bad network connection, they had to call back several times.

The group said that they would have come out earlier but had to wait till now because the phone numbers for the police weren't going through.

The so called Patriotic Front have since contacted several Nigerian newspapers with their story, because according to them, they just don't trust the police not to allow a rival group to claim credit for their achievement.

The group also want Nigerians to know why they resorted to theft. According to them, stealing the election machines was the most patriotic thing to do.

They claimed to have uncovered a mass rigging plot planned for the 2011 elections. They also claim to have in their possession, a record of several credible rumours placing the data capture machines in the middle of the plot.

Not wanting the upcoming elections to be decided by anything other than the votes of ordinary Nigerians, the group decided to take matters into their hands.

The group left their BB pin with the police and promised to call from time, in-case the police had any questions.

The Nigerian police have so far refused to comment on the New Nigeria Patriotic Front.

It is believed that the police force is currently in touch with the producers of CSI. They want to know if the Hollywood directors can help them to do that really cool thing where the good guys keep the bad guys on the line long enough to get a trace.

- Joe Aibozaw

Abuja: Former anti-corruption czar and head of the economic and financial crimes commission, Mallam Nuhu Ribadu, is apparently not clueless enough to run for president of the federal republic of Nigeria.

Investigations by Wazobia Report have revealed that all aspiring candidates are compelled to sit for a “vigorous clueless test.”

The test, which is designed to ensure that all candidates are truly clueless on issues of governance and leadership, was carried out at a clandestine location and was supervised by top government officials

Candidates are supposed to demonstrate an extraordinary level of incompetence when subjected to hypothetical challenges that may arise when governing the country.

Sources within the government defended the clueless test, describing it as, “Truly the Nigerian way.”

“Every country has its own way, as does our country Nigeria,” said a source. “History has proven that Nigeria cannot be led by a president that might have a clue unless they will kill him,” the source further stated, “Look what happened to Murtla Mohammed.”

Nuhu Ribadu was said to have woefully failed the test, while Pastor Tunde Bakare was told, “Do not even dare to step foot inside the examination hall.”

Investigations by Wazobia Report however revealed that pastor Bakare actually had no plans of running for president but was put on a list of, “People who should not even dare try.”

Other people that made the stop-list were; Professor Wole Soyinka, Babatunde Fashola of Lagos state, Omoyele Sowore of Sahara reporters, and many other progressives.

Aspirants from the PDP were said to have excelled exceptionally in this test, with James Ibori landing an incontestable 1st position.

The former Governor is said to have scored above 98% in not having a clue on issues of domestic and foreign policy, economic stimulation and growth, and National security. He is also said to have scored a solid 100% on being clueless on how to fight corruption.

There are some individuals that did not sit for the test but are believed to have “major potential” for the future. These individuals were encouraged by the clueless committee to sit for the test during the next election. Kenny Martins is said to be at the top of this list.