₦airaland Forum

DON’T GO THAT WAY

I laid on my bed thinking the whole stuff through. This was the fifth time I would be repeating the same feat but my thought pointed nowhere. It just kept staring right into my eyes. I was shaken that even my breaths were coming in shakes too. I know it pays to be funny but then, how funny could one be that would want to cost him his life.

A life that I so cherished and never wanted to give up, well, we all must die someday but I want to leave up to 80 years lying peacefully on my bed with a pretty damsel sucking my dcckk till I see the bright lights. What death could be as sweet as that, climaxing then finding yourself in heaven?

That’s how wild my imagination can run and I really allowed it to run wild that day, if not extra wild all in the hope of being funny. I ended up apologizing to the school authority. Though that is not even the main story but I could deflect a little bit since I am the writer and my readers would always find fun digging into my world of fantasies.

First, most of my works are 95% fiction and 5% reality, the whole pregnancy saga, erotic stories, Attai the player from Kano and what have you but the biography is as real as my dcckk dripping with seed sucked forcefully by a girl with lips as tender as olives.

That said and done, let me delve into one of my fantasies again.

“Attai, we are having world women day in the convocation hall and I want you to do what you do most, come and be a standup comedian”

AU (You remember the Dean of Student Affairs) said.

“Well, sir you know I can’t refuse you but I am preparing for EEC122 test and it is proving to be tough sir.”

I replied him. I was standing respectfully in front of his table after I had been summoned by him on phone. That is a relationship that is normal in my school, having even the Rector’s number and calling just to say “hi” to him. Once in a blue moon though we also receive our own “hi’s from him”.

“What are you trying to insinuate?”

AU asked, lowering his dark goggles in the process. I looked him in his eyeball, he definitely has a red one but I wonder why he uses the glasses even in the night and right here in his office. I shifted on one leg and pinched my buttocks.

“Sir, I’m not saying I won’t be available sir, but you know, it can cost me my CA sir”

I answered. We had been thought how to use the word “sir” both at the beginning and the ending of every statement we made in school to our lecturers. They enjoy being referred to as such.

“Well, you have to do it because I enjoyed the display you put on during your matriculation. You know, you will be doing better if you had joined my department when I offered you the chance, but you chose Computer Engineering and here you are.”

He said before looking down at the document he was busy with. If he had asked a question with that statement then I had no answer than to stand and pace around the office looking at his various pictures adorning it and medals plus trophies the school had won during competitions.

I know he had tried to make me join his department but I hated Chemistry, I told myself I had left balancing equations behind so would not want to revisit it anymore. If all I would do is to keep calculating, I will as long as there is no need to balance equations. What would a guru like me be doing in Polymer Department I had asked myself when he brought the idea the day he met me with the Academic Secretary trying to sort my admission. My ar.sse had been kicked out of Elect/Elect Department for had a D7 in English language. Just imagine!!! I ended up a computer Engineer.

“Sir, are you going to help me talk to the lecturer sir?

I asked this time because I had a hidden agenda in mind. Entertainers don’t read, they pass through school with high grades.

“Yes, who is the lecturer?”

He asked.

“Malam Salihu”

I replied him.

“Owk, don’t worry, I will do my best. You can go.”

I had struck the deal. I knew money would be involved because I counted a lot on the day of matriculation when I had forced the MC to include my name as a road side entertainer. I ended up wowing the crowd and making money to keep me for some time. Everybody wanted to take a picture with me; I became an instant celebrity both in the eyes of the school authority and the students. I ignored the job of an MC because they don’t make extra cash but a comedian does.

***************************************************************

“Na slap my mama dey carry wake me up go piss in the night after every one hour. Like say she set alarm because when one minute use pass that one hour, na piss go full room like swimming pool. I piss for bed sotey my mama carry me go pastor make them pray for me. When pastor say I go sleep for church for three days, after the first day nobody tell am before him pursue me go house. Church nearly collapse because I piss from 8:00pm till 8:00am in the morning.” (Copyright protected)

I was on top of my jokes. The whole school was roaring with laughter as I dished jokes after jokes. Then came the time for the joke of the day, the joke caused me my celebrity status and also humbled me in an annoying manner.

“Na when I start this school I know say English no be our first language. Na Arabic we dey take learn English for class. If na lie ask our Rector”

They laughed but that sealed it. I was nearly rusticated from the school, just for cracking a joke I had kept inside of me for so long. Choi.

******************************************************************

Well, that wasn’t even what made me open this thread and take you down imaginative and creative writing. What prompted me was my remembering how sensitive some issues are when mocked or spoken against. Though I have never spoken against anything before and was even ignorant to know I was digging my grave, I still was not spared the beating.

I was in JSS 2 then.

“Who can make a sentence using an adverb?”

Miss Modupe asked that fateful day. I raised my hands up, I wanted to get back at my classmate that had used my name in a crazy sentence. The boy was a Muslim and he bears a name most people bear down north.

“Mohammed ran stupidly across the road.”

For Mohammed was the name of my classmate. I woke up in the Proprietor’s office, I know I received a slap from behind and tried to parry blows and other slaps before something hard landed on my head.

I had passed out.

DON’T GO THAT WAY

I laid on my bed thinking the whole stuff through. This was the fifth time I would be repeating the same feat but my thought pointed nowhere. It just kept staring right into my eyes. I was shaken that even my breaths were coming in shakes too. I know it pays to be funny but then, how funny could one be that would want to cost him his life.

A life that I so cherished and never wanted to give up, well, we all must die someday but I want to leave up to 80 years lying peacefully on my bed with a pretty damsel sucking my dcckk till I see the bright lights. What death could be as sweet as that, climaxing then finding yourself in heaven?

That’s how wild my imagination can run and I really allowed it to run wild that day, if not extra wild all in the hope of being funny. I ended up apologizing to the school authority. Though that is not even the main story but I could deflect a little bit since I am the writer and my readers would always find fun digging into my world of fantasies.

First, most of my works are 95% fiction and 5% reality, the whole pregnancy saga, erotic stories, Attai the player from Kano and what have you but the biography is as real as my dcckk dripping with seed sucked forcefully by a girl with lips as tender as olives.

That said and done, let me delve into one of my fantasies again.

“Attai, we are having world women day in the convocation hall and I want you to do what you do most, come and be a standup comedian”

AU (You remember the Dean of Student Affairs) said.

“Well, sir you know I can’t refuse you but I am preparing for EEC122 test and it is proving to be tough sir.”

I replied him. I was standing respectfully in front of his table after I had been summoned by him on phone. That is a relationship that is normal in my school, having even the Rector’s number and calling just to say “hi” to him. Once in a blue moon though we also receive our own “hi’s from him”.

“What are you trying to insinuate?”

AU asked, lowering his dark goggles in the process. I looked him in his eyeball, he definitely has a red one but I wonder why he uses the glasses even in the night and right here in his office. I shifted on one leg and pinched my buttocks.

“Sir, I’m not saying I won’t be available sir, but you know, it can cost me my CA sir”

I answered. We had been thought how to use the word “sir” both at the beginning and the ending of every statement we made in school to our lecturers. They enjoy being referred to as such.

“Well, you have to do it because I enjoyed the display you put on during your matriculation. You know, you will be doing better if you had joined my department when I offered you the chance, but you chose Computer Engineering and here you are.”

He said before looking down at the document he was busy with. If he had asked a question with that statement then I had no answer than to stand and pace around the office looking at his various pictures adorning it and medals plus trophies the school had won during competitions.

I know he had tried to make me join his department but I hated Chemistry, I told myself I had left balancing equations behind so would not want to revisit it anymore. If all I would do is to keep calculating, I will as long as there is no need to balance equations. What would a guru like me be doing in Polymer Department I had asked myself when he brought the idea the day he met me with the Academic Secretary trying to sort my admission. My ar.sse had been kicked out of Elect/Elect Department for had a D7 in English language. Just imagine!!! I ended up a computer Engineer.

“Sir, are you going to help me talk to the lecturer sir?

I asked this time because I had a hidden agenda in mind. Entertainers don’t read, they pass through school with high grades.

“Yes, who is the lecturer?”

He asked.

“Malam Salihu”

I replied him.

“Owk, don’t worry, I will do my best. You can go.”

I had struck the deal. I knew money would be involved because I counted a lot on the day of matriculation when I had forced the MC to include my name as a road side entertainer. I ended up wowing the crowd and making money to keep me for some time. Everybody wanted to take a picture with me; I became an instant celebrity both in the eyes of the school authority and the students. I ignored the job of an MC because they don’t make extra cash but a comedian does.

***************************************************************

“Na slap my mama dey carry wake me up go piss in the night after every one hour. Like say she set alarm because when one minute use pass that one hour, na piss go full room like swimming pool. I piss for bed sotey my mama carry me go pastor make them pray for me. When pastor say I go sleep for church for three days, after the first day nobody tell am before him pursue me go house. Church nearly collapse because I piss from 8:00pm till 8:00am in the morning.” (Copyright protected)

I was on top of my jokes. The whole school was roaring with laughter as I dished jokes after jokes. Then came the time for the joke of the day, the joke caused me my celebrity status and also humbled me in an annoying manner.

“Na when I start this school I know say English no be our first language. Na Arabic we dey take learn English for class. If na lie ask our Rector”

They laughed but that sealed it. I was nearly rusticated from the school, just for cracking a joke I had kept inside of me for so long. Choi.

******************************************************************

Well, that wasn’t even what made me open this thread and take you down imaginative and creative writing. What prompted me was my remembering how sensitive some issues are when mocked or spoken against. Though I have never spoken against anything before and was even ignorant to know I was digging my grave, I still was not spared the beating.

I was in JSS 2 then.

“Who can make a sentence using an adverb?”

Miss Modupe asked that fateful day. I raised my hands up, I wanted to get back at my classmate that had used my name in a crazy sentence. The boy was a Muslim and he bears a name most people bear down north.

“Mohammed ran stupidly across the road.”

For Mohammed was the name of my classmate. I woke up in the Proprietor’s office, I know I received a slap from behind and tried to parry blows and other slaps before something hard landed on my head.

I had passed out.

flow1759: lemme correct you, this Story is based on my past life and not my present.

I say make i ask you oh.

Do you have book(s) to ur credit?

What did u study in sch?

You be Edo babe?

Seriously, do you have an "Oga at the top in ur life"?(Forget wetin Foxy dey jonz himself).

I need answers to all these questions and MORE.

Thanks for the correction once more.

If you been correct me like dis we for no quarel na. Abi our fans wetin una think?

[b]Flow, shey you never know say I sabi vex when I high abi, I look like who go carry jonzing matter come public forum? Though me been dey play but wetin make you dey even reason ISHILOVE side self? Eh?

Owk, make I correct you for one thing. Me na Hausa brought up so I be aboki to the core and I go tell you one of our Hausa popular proverbs.

"Dariya ba so ba"

Literarily translated as...

"Laughter is not likeness or love"

So do not misinterpret Ishilove trying to help you as an avenue to start cultivating feelings for her. With the way you are going about it self you are already playing a lost game. Do you know why you can follow a member and PM them if the necessity arises?

That's a question you should have brooded over before declaring your love for her here. Haba mana.

Ehm... I am not fighting for love o, itz just this, we celebrated my colleagues birthday right in the office during office hours and, well, there were alcoholic drinks to go round. When under the influence, I don't consider people's feeling before posting truths in BLACK & WHITE. Me and Flow na paddy even outside Nairaland but him gats consider wetin him type. I no dey jonz. [/b]

Ishilove: I never said he wasn't.

God bless you too.

My Love

Somebody shout hallelujah...

Ride on brother...

I don comment na... Come continue...

flow1759: "na a'shawo she be, naso she go dey sleep with people WIFE". I know its suppose to be HUSBAND. its not a mistake made by me, but by the person that said it. The thing make us laugh that day. Sotey we come dey think say Kate na L'esbien.

If you ask me if Kate was L'esbien, my answer would be, "when we reach there you go know"

swaggerkid: Chai..them MOPO CUM MY HOUSE CUM TIF MY LAPTOP FONE,MONI AND ODA TINS DAY B4 YESTERDAY... [color=#006600][/color]

Damex333: Aren't u guys tired of d "ishi and flow brawl". One tin i observed in both mazi and flow's thread is that fans love fights, which shouldn't be so, flow has got his own pattern of writin,ishi has her pattern of writin,slickest has his own, my guy frank3:16 has his own pattern,so also every writer has his or her own pattern, if ur writer and anoda writer is having a brawl u dont need 2 put fuel into d fire na, instead put omo and water 2 kill d fire.



Nairaland sef don turn something else o, Even our father at d top Baba God gave us jez ten commandment, nairaland dey give 21,how come wetin . And my oga wey nl dont turn im name 2 foxyban ,sud be given an award o,cos he keeps breaking every rule, im don open anoda 1 now,anoda rule broken.

GOLIDIVA: They don ban am. Ban to expire 11th April 2015......hihihihi!

You get am wrong. Na 2032 e go expire.

Rap maestro: Foxy bro, i wanna ask u a question

Don't worry... I am here to always answer your questions. In fact, I have a new thread going on right now.

Why would this life favour some and not favour some, why would destiny play destructive games with the lives of people. Sure this life is comedy being acted on a big screen in front of an audience.

When others seek for food to eat, others just want peace and a little feel of what it means to be hungry. People cry under oppressive rule but still badmouths a prince that choses to work with the paupers. That alone is enough to make the rich draw a line with the poor but then, a comedy is suppose to be funny till the end where the lessons are hidden that's why the rich always bump into the poor or vice-versa.


********************
Somewhere somewhere
********************

''Na wa for all this lazy women wey we get as wife o, come to pound pepper dem not fit.''

Atibi the drunk complained to his friend who was also reeling in the clouds after consuming shells after shells of fermented coconut water.

''You know the difference? You just wan abuse that poor woman''

Hongola replied.

''No be so na, the koboko wey I buy keep for her don master her. See as my life be, I for don buy another woman by now''

Atibi spoke his mind.

''You know I'm still wondering where you got the money for the purchase from.''

Hongola replied, baring his teeth in the process.

''If to say me and you no dey share debt for this life I for make you count your teeth with your tongue''

Atibi shot out in the process.

''You wish... Abeg make we shack jor.''

Something just happened to my phone, I cant seem to paragraph my work. I'm sorry if you find difficulty in reading it.

Peace!!!

Well... I just finished stressing my butt trying to enter into a BRT... God I need a miracle o... BMW before the end of this year.




That night, the darkness had been calmed and soothing, the women were having a great time with their slaves, their moanings came up and down in unison. Such a pleasant music that their voices made.

Far away close to the edge of the river was a different song playing, instead of the satisfying moan of a woman and the grunt of a belaboured man was a voice that was raised in a sharp seprano. A high note that the night birds found peace by flying far away from the place. The shrieks was constantly interupted by another harsher voice..:

''Push Midel, push for you are a woman not one of those whimpering slaves with tales dangling between their legs.''

The voice commanded.

In between wails and sobs the screaming woman apparently known as Midel answered.

''This is my first time and I know every first time is like this. Our motherhead would not have asked for our young ones to be born far away from the colony.''

''Hush Midel, a woman never complains or cries when she is in pain.''

The voice admonished.

''I've heard youuuuuuuu!!!''

Silence filled the hut for some moment before a cry broke the dead of the night, a sharp cry.

''What hideousness. A tail dangles between it's legs''

The voice of the mid-wife spoke out.

''Please don't tell me it's an offspring of the slaves''

Midel voice was surprisingly strong.

''Yes Midel. This one sports hairy chins. A bear-bear grows on its face''

The mid-wife answered disdainfully.

''Take that creature away from me. Odin curse the child for being the first to grace my humanly womb''

Midel cursed.

What will be will be. The child had already been born, not only born but having a bear-bear on his face. A strange phenomenum that the mid-wife and the mother overlooked. Something that caused them their rightful position in the affairs of mother earth.



*************************************

''Who owns this slave?''

Slynda asked with her voice that was white with age. Sorry, she is well aged so it is normal to have such a voice. All croaky like a frog and almost inaudible. She was tying a snake skin round her waist leaving her sagged breast dancing in the wind. Her hand grabbed firmly on a staff with which she used in checking the bearded boy that was brought into the orphanage.

''Belongs to Midel''

The slave who had brought the child answered his hands outstretched before him in postration with his face kissing the dust. His bare buttocks pointed to the space behind while the wind played with his sh.ithole.

''Owk... Why is this creature sporting hairs on his face?''

She asked again expecting an answer having moved behind the prostrating man.

''By the oucccchhhhhh''

The man screamed while Slydna laughed hysterically. She had sent him a nice kick on his testicles. But he dared not stand up, instead he kept his face to the ground and back out, his knees dragging on the ground. Such was the custom of being dismissed.

Again the child was not probed into why he came with a beard. No one told the motherhead until years later when it was too late.