₦airaland Forum

Omojudy:
I dated my childhood sweetheart (More like I was a crush to him that he never had) while separated, he was the encouraging force to even apply for a divorce. Well I must tell you it was a relationship on rebound and didn’t go well. Lifetime friendship with him and his family went sour after I found out all I was to him was an opportunity. Moreover see that pettiness you mentioned, that’s a warning flag. Then what happened to that religious difference? Still there I suppose. Hang on a little dear is my opinion.

What do you mean by "an opportunity" ? Can you please elaborate ?

Yes, he’s divorced. I only have his side of the story so I take it for what it is.
He told me the main reason was immaturity, on both parts.
His oldest is 12 now and he married his ex-wife in his mid-20s. She was in her early 20s.
He told me he was not ready for marriage but didn’t know it. So he kept living a single life (going out, partying etc.) even after their first son was born. So his wife was rightfully unhappy. He thinks she too was immature in the way she decided to retaliate. Their relationship became so strained that it was unfixable. She now lives in Deutschland and he has full custody.
I really appreciate the way he’s taking responsibility for what happened and doesn’t blame her or trash her. That’s for me is a sign of maturity so if that was really the main problem on his part, he seems to have outgrown it.

I’m not a divorcé. I was engaged twice, never made it to the altar though.
First time: Y. Muslim guy, just like me.
We met here through mutual friends and we were a perfect match. Our relationship was so smooth and easy and joyful
During the engagement process though, I found out he’s gay.
He had multiple profiles on gay dating sites where he would describe himself as a bisexual BCBG man looking for hook ups. I broke up after confronting him and getting lies after lies.

Through these challenging times, I had one shoulder to cry on: my child’s father.
He was a friend, became a confident, then a boyfriend.
He’s I. and Christian. Before we started dating I asked him if this could be a problem. My parents are very religious but very open minded. All my siblings but 1 married non-Muslims.
He told me it’s not an issue but through all our time together, he would make snarky comments about Y. or Muslims and ask me if I could ever convert.
We dated for 4 years. After a while, I asked him where the RS was headed, he told me marriage, children etc. but never committed to any date.
I was too stupid to read between the lines and breakup before it was too late. I woke up one morning, I was 35 and desperate for a baby.
He said he was 100% on board with the baby and that we would get married within a year afterwards. So I got pregnant and he left.
I found out later that he was dating another woman at the same time, got her pregnant a few month after me and eventually married her. She’s I. and Christian just like him.

Part of me wants to pin all of this mess down to religious differences.
If I’m honest with myself, this RS was not a happy one.
We would go from getting bored together to fighting over BS. I was not an affectionate GF. He would sometimes ask me to cuddle him and I wouldn’t.
He put up with a lot and I guess that he knew deep down, I was not what he was looking for but didn’t tell me.
I too didn’t realize that I was not affectionate with him, got irritated easily with things he would do or say because… I was not in love with him. I wanted the RS more than I wanted the man.
I don’t resent him for the break up. I resent him for bailing on my child but that’s another story.

There is no word to express the pain and the shame, having to tell my Muslim family that another man left me but this time with a baby on its way.
They’ve been supportive despite all and keep praying for me.
I can't make another mistake. I just can't

Hi all,

I need some serious advice here please.
I'm a 40 yo single mum to a 4 year old.
I've known this guy since high school. He asked me out back then but at the time, "dating" was not even an option (education, religion, ambition made it impossible).

Life happened and I now live in the UK. He still lives back home, has two boys and a job as an IT engineer.
We reconnected via Facebook, met when I went for a short visit to my family.
He tells me that he still wants a relationship with me. I was attracted to him back then, I still am. The guy I knew then was a nice guy, god fearing, caring, funny. He's now 42 and I don't know much about the man he turned out to be.

But my main concern is I don't know if he really wants to be with me or if he wants the opportunity to give his sons a British passport.

Part of me still wants to give it a try because I'm a 40 yo single mother and suitors are scarce, serious ones nonexistent. My child definitely needs a father in the house. Also, the petty woman in me wants/needs to show my ex that I'm still good enough for someone else. At the same time I can't afford another failure in that area. I can't risk my child's wellbeing if things don't work out. I won’t survive another public humiliation.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Hi everyone,

my ex and I share a child. We separated a year ago because of his refusal to pay the bride price and so on.
We see each other because of the baby and he tries to sleep with me every time.
Whenever I tell him to make things official first, he walks away and comes back after a while.

I went crazy trying to understand why he does not want to marry me, at one point I thought it was a religious / tribal thing.
He never introduced me to his family (both his parents died but he has many sisters and extended family);
I introduced myself after the baby's birth, he was angry, but he came to terms with it.

But two days ago, her sister called me to ask if I still want it. She said that if I do, I must to fight for him and she will be on my side.
She told me "the other woman" is a terrible person and has already created a lot of tension and divisions between brothers and sisters.

She also told me that he had a daughter with this woman and that our children are only 2 or 3 months apart.

She said he had not officially introduced her and that they only heard about her at the funeral of their older sister in December.
The sister claims that she came alone and that's when they had a fallout. After that, her brother called her to ask her to apologize to his girlfriend.

I still have feelings for him and as he was trying to get into my pants, I thought there was still hope
for us but gizzz ...
I am so hurt that I am numb.

The sister insists that I fight for him, but I told her I could not because he obviously made his decision. If she went to the funeral, I'm sure she had his
blessing. Now, if he introduced her and not me, it's pretty clear right ?

hi guys

i hope you will be able to help a sister here.
I've been diagnosed with a low lying placenta hence, preventive c-section for me at 37 weeks.
problem here is i'm at risk of hemorrhage at any point in the third trimester and God forbid, if it happens before 37 weeks, the baby would be premature and would need extra care.
do you guys have any idea how much it could cost ? Is there any way to get a package paiement that would cover this eventuality?
We already have EU citizenship but really wanted to give more options to our L.O. Now we're really wondering if it's worth the risk

Thanks for any help/advice you could give !

hi

Hi ladies,

I'm due in november (so pregnancy still very young, pray for me for my little bean to stick Oooo !).
Still we have to plan this thing early on. I'm planning on getting in via JFK.
My problem tho is that i have an european passeport so i'm under the waiver program. That means i can't stay for more than 3 months. I'm also at risk of premature delivery and need c-section anyway.

1-So i can't wait too long to travel as i could end up having a surprise birth beforehand and i can't go too early if i want to have enough time to make my babies passeport and stuff. Any suggestion on when i should leave ?

2-Is JFK safe for us ?

3-I'm planning on concealing my bump as much as i can. I'll travel during winter time so it should help. I hope they won't pay attention and won't ask about it. But should i go ahead and tell them that i'm coming for delivering my baby ?

major466:
O yes. African women in general are more submissive compared to women in the west because of the cultural differences. Culture has it that women must submit to their husbands. This is one of the most important principles thought to African women right from when they were little girls. So naturally they become more submissive compared to other women in different parts of the world.
It all balls down to the kind of value placed on marriage. Africa for example place high premium on marriage. In fact marriage is one of the most important institutions in Africa.

Ok i get this sterotype but i don't think it's true. There's no more "submissive women" (in the sense most men understand it) either in Africa or in western countries. My feeling is that these men's dream is to have the marriage their grand parents or parents had. The great-emperor-provider and the shy-submissive-homemaker. But times have changed and young ladies nowadays are no longer inclined to suffer some of the BS their mothers had to.
taking a woman from africa will work as long as she is lost in a new country, has no means or papers of her own. Then things will get to the exact same point than the one they wanted to avoid.

besides this, isn't important to be with someone who share's your interests, life style, intellectual views etc. ? Isn't it important to have someone who is financially independant ? And above all, isn't important to be with someone you had the time to get to know ? Some of these guys will meet a girl on vacations, take 3 or 4 trips back there to spend 2 weeks with her and get married

I've seen a lot of men in my entourage going back home to meet and marry women who live there.
I'm talking about educated, high profile men who DO have a lot of options in their place (whites, blacks, diaspora women like themselves etc.). I really don't understand why they do so ?
The main reason i heard is that african women who live in western countries are "unmanageable" and they feel like someone coming right away from africa will be more submissive. Is that true ?
From a male perspective, do you feel you would be better off marrying someone who lives in nigeria, may be educated and very decent but who you barely know and who will rely on you for every thing than for instance one who lives right next door, has a good job and is a decent but yet independant woman ?

my ex was bisexual and never told me. We were a month away from our traditional wedding when i found his research history on his laptop and then ended up on multiple gay sites he was logged in. I made screen shots, dumped his ass and told him i would send them to his entourage.
never meant it but the fear made him literraly sick for weeks
[b]I [/b]was the one to break up but [b]he [/b]betrayed me so ...

MzPreshie:
Okay.. Now, these are some questionable changes. The only solution I can suggest now is that you have a heart to heart with him. Sometimes, before 'assuming', you should try this thing called 'asking'.

Believe me i tried. He sends me mixed signals. say he loves me...then keep acting strange. I thought it was all because of me and what i told him about taking a break etc. I tried to suck it up and make it up to him but six months is a loooong time and i'm done.

I think i'll take a step back and see what happens. My focus needs to shift back to myself.
I'll go for the new job and try to have my bb. I want a child and don't have extra time to be picky or wait for prince charming.
After that, if he wants to stick around, fine. if he doesn't, we'll call it quits. I wanted the "perfect" family for my children but sometimes God just has another plan for you. So maybe my man is out there. A divorced or widower with some kids of his own that will treat me the way i deserve to be treated.

MzPreshie:
How sure are you that there's another girl? Didn't I read here that he's having some family ish or did my mind make that up? There are many things that could be distracting him, not disputing it could be a girl though. But first be sure there's another girl, a real one. Not the one that lives in your imaginations.

I'm not a 100% sure but:
- He started acting different with me like he doesn't really care anymore. For instance he used to be the one pushing for us to spend more and more time together. Now if i don't make the move, we can stay a whole month without seeing each other.
The way he talks to me changed too, now he's more abrupt.
- He went on vacation for two weeks without telling me
- I used to book last minute trips to see him. Now he gets mad when i do that. I need to tell him long before and wait for a "permission"
- when we're together he will lock himself up in the bedroom or in the bathroom to make calls...
I don't have any decisive evidence, so when i try to talk about it, i end up being the bad guy. But i just feel something's fishy

MzPreshie:
Okay.. To start with, you're 35, dumping him now with the hope of finding another man to marry you isn't ideal. How long do you think its gonna take to meet a new guy, and know him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him? Probably months or years.
And your time is counting.
According to you, he's not ready for marriage yet, but that doesn't mean he will never get married. Or did he say so too? I think he's just scared of the responsibilities that comes with building a family. Since he'd like for you to move in with him and bear him a child, I think if he's ever gonna get married, it'd be to you. You just have to help him overcome his fear of the word 'marriage' and do the needful.

That's exactly what i'm thinking right now. Most of the responders here seem to agree that i should dump him but then what ?
My fertility issues make things even more difficult since i have this condition that makes my ovaries age kicker. If i want a child, i have a year or so to do it, probably via IVF I'm kind of stuck here. I don't know how to deal with "the other girl". Pretending to be blind is difficult cause he's acting more and more like he's getting in to her but harassing him about it doesn't help cause he get's mad at me.
He said he want to get married eventually but that he's not ready yet.

OK sorry all for the long post !
Yes we're both 35 and yes all this is childish, i agree.
i tried to talk to him, more than once. I asked him about his feelings for me and where he stands on our relationship.
He keeps saying i'm making stuff up, that he doesn't know what else to do or say to make me trust him. For him the simple fact that he is willing to TTC is the proof of his commitment.

Hi everyone,

I suspect my BF of cheating on me because in the past 6 months some things happened that make me thing so :

1. we are in a long distance relationship (could give you the background but it would be too long). It was OK for almost 4 of the 5 years we spent together. We would see each other every other week and have a good time. Our main issue: our unmatched libidos.
We had a fight about that, once again, in may and i was so mad that i went too far and told him that i couldn't take it anymore. That maybe trying to conceive in these conditions wasn't a good idea after all; also told him that anyway i couldn't have a child with someone who doesn't want to marry me… Don't remember all the details but it ended with me basically telling him that we needed a break.
after that, he never came to see me again in…six month.
I knew i hurt him so i decided to apologize and do my best to make it up to him. I was the one traveling every time to see him. I did that with no problem for like 3 months and then i started to think he was taking it too far.

2.Then i had an anonymous call and a voice mail one sunday, from a woman calling me with my nickname (only known by my family and my BF). This woman was asking me if he was with me and if she could talk to me.
When asked, he told me it was is youngest sister, that he gave her his old cell phone last time he visited them in ivory coast. I know this is a lie cause he never introduced me to his sisters and we never talk or interact.

3. In september, he went MIA for 2 weeks. We use to call each other every day, at least once but during that time he would never take is phone when i called. He would call me back hours later for 1mn and hang up. He asked me multiple times to text him instead. The few times we talked on the phone, the line was so bad, like when you call in africa ! At some point, i heard very distinctly the sea in the background when he was supposed to be in Paris ! I confronted him about it. He basically told me he had enough of my criticism and suspicions and that if i was so miserable with him i should find a better fit

4. The cherry on the cake is that he told me few weeks ago that he would not be there for christmas nor near years eve (we used to spend them together). He said he had to go to ivory coast for traditional ceremonies. I know they suffered some losses in their family this year but this ceremonie's timing comes very conveniently !

So here i am, feeling in my guts that he's cheating but with no decisive evidence of it. I don't know what to do…Do i pretend to be blind like my sisters and african friends tell me to, or do i track him down in order to expose him like my french friends tell me ?
The only good point (not sure but let it be in the + side) is that although he say's is not ready to get married, he want us to have a child. We're both 35 and i have some fertility issues so it's about time for me…
We've been TTC since may and have seek an RE to help with the matter. He's totally cooperative and even took medical exams and whatever.

So i'm totally confused here. If he's in a relationship that is so important to him that he would:
- lie to me and travel to spend 2 weeks with her
- let me down and travel again to spend new years eve with her
- take the risk to make me so mad that we almost broke up
why does he then keep TTC with me ?
What could be his plan than ? If i get pregnant, he will not be able to keep it from her…
BTW i'm searching a job in Paris too. The first time i asked him what our living arrangement would then be he told we that "of course", we would move in together. Then again, let's say i find a job in a month, i'll be in Paris by march. If he tells me to take my own place, we're done and i think he knows it. If i move in, it will not be possible for him to keep dealing with this situation…
Again, what (sick) game is he playing ? What should i do ? Is it possible that i am really making all this up ?