Hi all,

I need some serious advice here please.
I'm a 40 yo single mum to a 4 year old.
I've known this guy since high school. He asked me out back then but at the time, "dating" was not even an option (education, religion, ambition made it impossible).

Life happened and I now live in the UK. He still lives back home, has two boys and a job as an IT engineer.
We reconnected via Facebook, met when I went for a short visit to my family.
He tells me that he still wants a relationship with me. I was attracted to him back then, I still am. The guy I knew then was a nice guy, god fearing, caring, funny. He's now 42 and I don't know much about the man he turned out to be.

But my main concern is I don't know if he really wants to be with me or if he wants the opportunity to give his sons a British passport.

Part of me still wants to give it a try because I'm a 40 yo single mother and suitors are scarce, serious ones nonexistent. My child definitely needs a father in the house. Also, the petty woman in me wants/needs to show my ex that I'm still good enough for someone else. At the same time I can't afford another failure in that area. I can't risk my child's wellbeing if things don't work out. I won’t survive another public humiliation.

I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

If he says he wants to date you(and marry)give it a try.
It's a good thing you knew him before but people do change.You will need to KNOW him all over again.
First start by finding out why he doesn't (if indeed he doesn't) have a wife or some serious relationship.Is he divorced or a baby father?Really get to know why his status is the way it is.That will give you an insight into what he really desires......a wife, companion and a mother to his kids or just the papers.
As per you,why did you divorce?If you are going into another relationship,you need to know if you are marriageable and ready for marriage or you just need a companion.

Date and get to know him.Don't even conclude on marriage yet.How can you meet each other from time to time?Can he come to the UK or can you come like more than once a year?

Is he divorced? How does he have two boys and no wife? What does he do for a living? Maybe you should date him for a while and get to really know him first before making any serious commitments. No one has to know you're dating him for at least the first one year, you guys can do long distance then you visit when you have long breaks and vice verse to get to know more about him. After which you can decide to make more solid commitments or break it off

Giddyperson:
Is he divorced? How does he have two boys and no wife? What does he do for a living? Maybe you should date him for a while and get to really know him first before making any serious commitments. No one has to know you're dating him for at least the first one year, you guys can do long distance then you visit when you have long breaks and vice verse to get to know more about him. After which you can decide to make more solid commitments or break it off

Spot on!

Hmmm...I think you should get to know him well enough before giving it a try. Just try to spend time with him and ensure you do not commit to direct finances before making your final decision. What's the worse that can happen? Good luck.

I dated my childhood sweetheart (More like I was a crush to him that he never had) while separated, he was the encouraging force to even apply for a divorce. Well I must tell you it was a relationship on rebound and didn’t go well. Lifetime friendship with him and his family went sour after I found out all I was to him was an opportunity. Moreover see that pettiness you mentioned, that’s a warning flag. Then what happened to that religious difference? Still there I suppose. Hang on a little dear is my opinion.

Yes, he’s divorced. I only have his side of the story so I take it for what it is.
He told me the main reason was immaturity, on both parts.
His oldest is 12 now and he married his ex-wife in his mid-20s. She was in her early 20s.
He told me he was not ready for marriage but didn’t know it. So he kept living a single life (going out, partying etc.) even after their first son was born. So his wife was rightfully unhappy. He thinks she too was immature in the way she decided to retaliate. Their relationship became so strained that it was unfixable. She now lives in Deutschland and he has full custody.
I really appreciate the way he’s taking responsibility for what happened and doesn’t blame her or trash her. That’s for me is a sign of maturity so if that was really the main problem on his part, he seems to have outgrown it.

I’m not a divorcé. I was engaged twice, never made it to the altar though.
First time: Y. Muslim guy, just like me.
We met here through mutual friends and we were a perfect match. Our relationship was so smooth and easy and joyful
During the engagement process though, I found out he’s gay.
He had multiple profiles on gay dating sites where he would describe himself as a bisexual BCBG man looking for hook ups. I broke up after confronting him and getting lies after lies.

Through these challenging times, I had one shoulder to cry on: my child’s father.
He was a friend, became a confident, then a boyfriend.
He’s I. and Christian. Before we started dating I asked him if this could be a problem. My parents are very religious but very open minded. All my siblings but 1 married non-Muslims.
He told me it’s not an issue but through all our time together, he would make snarky comments about Y. or Muslims and ask me if I could ever convert.
We dated for 4 years. After a while, I asked him where the RS was headed, he told me marriage, children etc. but never committed to any date.
I was too stupid to read between the lines and breakup before it was too late. I woke up one morning, I was 35 and desperate for a baby.
He said he was 100% on board with the baby and that we would get married within a year afterwards. So I got pregnant and he left.
I found out later that he was dating another woman at the same time, got her pregnant a few month after me and eventually married her. She’s I. and Christian just like him.

Part of me wants to pin all of this mess down to religious differences.
If I’m honest with myself, this RS was not a happy one.
We would go from getting bored together to fighting over BS. I was not an affectionate GF. He would sometimes ask me to cuddle him and I wouldn’t.
He put up with a lot and I guess that he knew deep down, I was not what he was looking for but didn’t tell me.
I too didn’t realize that I was not affectionate with him, got irritated easily with things he would do or say because… I was not in love with him. I wanted the RS more than I wanted the man.
I don’t resent him for the break up. I resent him for bailing on my child but that’s another story.

There is no word to express the pain and the shame, having to tell my Muslim family that another man left me but this time with a baby on its way.
They’ve been supportive despite all and keep praying for me.
I can't make another mistake. I just can't

Omojudy:
I dated my childhood sweetheart (More like I was a crush to him that he never had) while separated, he was the encouraging force to even apply for a divorce. Well I must tell you it was a relationship on rebound and didn’t go well. Lifetime friendship with him and his family went sour after I found out all I was to him was an opportunity. Moreover see that pettiness you mentioned, that’s a warning flag. Then what happened to that religious difference? Still there I suppose. Hang on a little dear is my opinion.

What do you mean by "an opportunity" ? Can you please elaborate ?

gbingafa:
Yes, he’s divorced. I only have his side of the story so I take it for what it is.
He told me the main reason was immaturity, on both parts.

I would say go for it . . . but this time with your eyes open. I mean what do you really have to lose if you date him (not marry).

If you want to help him to the UK you can still do that without marrying him.

Your son may need a father, but the needs a sane mother more.

Date him . . . tell him marriage is off the table and see how he reacts. If truly his intention is getting citizenship for his kids, he may not be patient enough to just date you.

Above all, have an open mind. Who knows, this may be your lucky chance. But historically, Christian men marrying Muslim women don't always work out, especially if you are not willing to convert,

gbingafa:


What do you mean by "an opportunity" ? Can you please elaborate ?

In your own case it maybe greener pastures so u get the vibes.

gbingafa:

But my main concern is I don't know if he really wants to be with me or if he wants the opportunity to give his sons a British passport.

I'm having a hard time processing this concern of yours. Since when do step-children get automatic British citizenship after their non-British parent gets married to a citizen?

Other than that, there is something called dating, perhaps you ought to give it a try and get to know that man.

Part of me still wants to give it a try because I'm a 40 yo single mother and suitors are scarce, serious ones nonexistent. My child definitely needs a father in the house. Also, the petty woman in me wants/needs to show my ex that I'm still good enough for someone else.

Your honesty on this is truly a breath of fresh air, especially coming from someone in western society with less stigmas.
And you're not the only one, I personally know two women in similar situations, one of them from this forum.

Makes me wonder why some people on NL would rather have everyone believe that single mothers in a highly cultural society like Nigeria can be 40 and still be a catch.

.

Too many red flags in his story

@gbingafa,you sound like a honest and sincere person.
Give the man a chance.Not for marriage in the first instance but to know him.
I hope there will be opportunities to meet 'in person'.This is SO IMPORTANT.If you can meet like thrice in a year,it would be cool.

It is going to be an inter-religious relationship.Well it has worked for some....Bola Tinubu,Fashola just to name a few.On your part,are you open to it?

Genqq:
Too many red flags in his story

Really? .. I didn't see any red flag. But Why did you think the OP's side of the story was the gospel truth and finds red flags all over the man's side of the story? Was it because of environmental differences? She lives in UK which was paradise to every Nigerian .. and the man lives in Nigeria which was hell therefore no credibility whatsoever in anything he says correct ? If he can take her side of the story without much issue why do u think she shouldn't take his?

Relationship is about taking risk and making sacrifices.. If she can't take relationship risk and see where it's gonna lead, maybe she has no business going into it in the place
because whether she likes it or not, heartache will be there, she will get hurt unintentionally or intentionally..If she doesn't want to take a leap, it's OK but I dislike reading about people thinking every one is interested in relocating when matters of the heart is involved...

Though I know where she was coming from.. once stung by a bee, everything including housefly now looks like bees... But I think She was going this whole thing the wrong way.. She wants her kid to have a father figure.. Also want his EX to know she is desirable.. What about her emotional feelings..

1. You'd want to make sure he's interested in marrying you for the right reasons, so don't jump into marriage w| him just yet.

2. You're two different people now. Take the time to get to know each other and determine if the compatibility is there, not assume it is b|c you knew him in high school.

3. Be selective [w| regards to who you marry and bring into your home] not just for yourself, but for your daughter. You'd want to make sure he'll be a sound father-figure for her and since he has sons, you'd also want to get to know them to make sure they'll be good role models for her.

4. Reflect on the reasons it didn't work out in the past b|c these issues don't disappear. The incompatibilities that existed between you then still do [e.g. religious incompatibility - you're a Muslim, while he's a Christian]. You've to be realistic on how this will work, as it's not going to be easy following different faiths as well as raising kids w| different faiths in the same home.

5. Reflect on the reasons for his divorce. You'd want to make sure he has let go of those behaviors he exhibited in his first marriage, so take the time to know him and know what you're getting yourself into [see #2].

Richy4:


Really? .. I didn't see any red flag. But Why did you think the OP's side of the story was the gospel truth and finds red flags all over the man's side of the story? Was it because of environmental differences? She lives in UK which was paradise to every Nigerian .. and the man lives in Nigeria which was hell therefore no credibility whatsoever in anything he says correct ? If he can take her side of the story without much issue why do u think she shouldn't take his?

Relationship is about taking risk and making sacrifices.. If she can't take relationship risk and see where it's gonna lead, maybe she has no business going into it in the place
because whether she likes it or not, heartache will be there, she will get hurt unintentionally or intentionally..If she doesn't want to take a leap, it's OK but I dislike reading about people thinking every one is interested in relocating when matters of the heart is involved...

Though I know where she was coming from.. once stung by a bee, everything including housefly now looks like bees... But I think She was going this whole thing the wrong way.. She wants her kid to have a father figure.. Also want his EX to know she is desirable.. What about her emotional feelings..

Don't get me wrong my guy, the dude is 42years old and has been married before.

Likewise, OP is a 40year old single mother and we all know that most guys wouldn't give a second thought to a woman with her SMV unless there's something to be gained (in this case could be papers?) I just have a strong feeling that the guy sees OP as a ticket out of 9ja.

His supposed marriage packed up in his 20s - why wait 15+ years before reaching out to OP?

Genqq:



Don't get me wrong my guy, the dude is 42years old and has been married before.

Likewise, OP is a 40year old single mother and we all know that most guy wouldn't give a second thought to a woman with her SMV unless there's something to be gained (in this case could be papers?) I just have a strong feeling that the guy sees OP as a ticket out of 9ja.

His supposed marriage packed up in his 20s - why wait 15+ years before reaching out to OP?

.

My brother, I am not in that guy's head to know what he was thinking.I don't wanna be the devil's advocate. But to out rightly assume that the guy wanted to use the OP as a means of moving abroad is just preposterous..

Yes he was married before. But now he was no longer married... you said it as if you were sure that he was in another relationship after his divorce, saw OP abandoned that and ran after OP because she was living in UK.. what if he was concentrating in bringing his kids up, and was not interested in any other relationship because of his previous experience. But Then he saw OP, since he has known her before, decided to rekindle the flame again since they have known each other before.

Most of those guys you were talking about that can't give a second glance to a single mother were Bachelors. Not in this case when both of them got their baggage that they were coming with into this relationship..

Besides, all those 15+ that you mentioned, the OP was not single then neither was the man in question.. Assuming u attended high school in the '90s, u would have agreed with me or know how easy it was to loose contacts with close friends .. Cellphone that was rampant nowadays was not like that those days.. ask any one that attended college in the '90 if he/she still know quarter of the were about of their school mates.

Richy4:
.

My brother, I am not in that guy's head to know what he was thinking.I don't wanna be the devil's advocate. But to out rightly assume that the guy wanted to use the OP as a means of moving abroad is just preposterous..

Yes he was married before. But now he was no longer married... you said it as if you were sure that he was in another relationship after his divorce, saw OP abandoned that and ran after OP because she was living in UK.. what if he was concentrating in bringing his kids up, and was not interested in any other relationship because of his previous experience. But Then he saw OP, since he has known her before, decided to rekindle the flame again since they have known each other before.

Most of those guys you were talking about that can't give a second glance to a single mother were Bachelors. Not in this case when both of them got their baggage that they were coming with into this relationship..

Besides, all those 15+ that you mentioned, the OP was not single then neither was the man in question.. Assuming u attended high school in the '90s, u would have agreed with me or know how easy it was to loose contacts with close friends .. Cellphone that was rampant nowadays was not like that those days.. ask any one that attended college in the '90 if he/she still know quarter of the were about of their school mates.

I see where you're coming from. You've got a point.

crackhaus:

I'm having a hard time processing this concern of yours. Since when do step-children get automatic British citizenship after their non-British parent gets married to a citizen?

Other than that, there is something called dating, perhaps you ought to give it a try and get to know that man.


Your honesty on this is truly a breath of fresh air, especially coming from someone in western society with less stigmas.
And you're not the only one, I personally know two women in similar situations, one of them from this forum.

Makes me wonder why some people on NL would rather have everyone believe that single mothers in a highly cultural society like Nigeria can be 40 and still be a catch.

I'm thinking the man will get citizenship by marriage. And then file for citizenship for his own biological children . . . Maybe not completely automatic, but highly 'workable'.

PS: I find it curious that you ALWAYS go out of your way to highlight the odds against Nigerian women. This thread is not about stigmatisation of 40 YO single mothers na. Why must you dwell on such negative things

Relax and enjoy your relationship. Stop carrying baggage and being so desperate. You have a child, you are 40 and in good health. You are probably stable too. Why all the fuss? Just enjoy your relationship and your man. Take your time and get to know him. Stop thinking of marriage and a father or child all the time. You put so much pressure on yourself and then you make terrible mistakes.

This time, talk honestly with your partner and walk slowly eyes wide open. If marriage comes then it comes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Don’t introduce him to your son till you are sure and ready. I honestly don’t know which naija man in his right senses will be hustling to live in England.

Give it a trial, underlining terms & conditions.

Omojudy:
I dated my childhood sweetheart (More like I was a crush to him that he never had) while separated, he was the encouraging force to even apply for a divorce. Well I must tell you it was a relationship on rebound and didn’t go well . Lifetime friendship with him and his family went sour after I found out all I was to him was an opportunity. Moreover see that pettiness you mentioned, that’s a warning flag. Then what happened to that religious difference? Still there I suppose. Hang on a little dear is my opinion.

I hope people will read the bolded and be wise....
Thanks for sharing.

UjuJoan2:


I'm thinking the man will get citizenship by marriage. And then file for citizenship for his own biological children . . . Maybe not completely automatic, but highly 'workable'.

PS: I find it curious that you ALWAYS go out of your way to highlight the odds against Nigerian women. This thread is not about stigmatisation of 40 YO single mothers na. Why must you dwell on such negative things

Yeah it ain't automatic, and it's not quite through the man filing for citizenship either.
She herself will have to legally adopt the kids, still workable but my point being it is entirely her prerogative. This should not a valid concern as marriage does not automatically bestow anything on the man's children.

crackhaus:

Yeah it ain't automatic, and it's not quite through the man filing for citizenship either.
She herself will have to legally adopt the kids, still workable but my point being it is entirely her prerogative. This should not a valid concern as marriage does not automatically bestow anything on the man's children.

And yet a number of Nigerian men keep seeking out women with foreign passports to marry.

Automatic or not, the possibility is a great incentive for the man to want to marry her. Let's not pretend it's not a valid concern because it is!

Desperate people will always run into trouble. You are obviously desperate which is not going to end well. You are into this for selfish reasons, not because you want to love and be loved.
Recondition your mind and seek love, then the issue of marriage will not seem this complicated. Never be desperate, it shows and will make others capitalize on it.

zed7:
Desperate people will always run into trouble. You are obviously desperate which is not going to end well. You are into this for selfish reasons, not because you want to love and be loved.
Recondition your mind and seek love, then the issue of marriage will not seem this complicated. Never be desperate, it shows and will make others capitalize on it.

I will not basically call that a selfish reason... Though I like her honesty too much.
Based on her keywords,
--- Suitors are scarce.. It could be interpreted as she doesn't want to be alone. therefore any man is all good.
---Father figure for her kid.. which to me is not all that bad and could not be interpreted as selfish.
--- She wants to prove a point to the EX that she is capable of getting a man..

It all sounds to me like a lady that knew what she wanted.. It is not compulsory love must be on the agreement.. But if love eventually comes, I think she will be fine. But Since love was not included, we cannot tag it as selfish...It's like a business deal to be..
For those that were thinking it was because of relocation, If the man happens to tell her that she can do that and more but with the condition of relocating with her, Is that not a perfect deal, is anyone worse-off, It would have been a perfect match made in heaven. at the end everyone gets what he or she wanted.
(though I still have to stress there are 65% chance that the man was on that relationship because of how he feel.

Richy4:


I will not basically call that a selfish reason... Though I like her honesty too much.
Based on her keywords,
--- Suitors are scarce.. It could be interpreted as she doesn't want to be alone. therefore any man is all good.
---Father figure for her kid.. which to me is not all that bad and could not be interpreted as selfish.
--- She wants to prove a point to the EX that she is capable of getting a man..

It all sounds to me like a lady that knew what she wanted.. It is not compulsory love must be on the agreement.. But if love eventually comes, I think she will be fine. But Since love was not included, we cannot tag it as selfish...It's like a business deal to be..
For those that were thinking it was because of relocation, If the man happens to tell her that she can do that and more but with the condition of relocating with her, Is that not a perfect deal, is anyone worse-off, It would have been a perfect match made in heaven. at the end everyone gets what he or she wanted.
(though I still have to stress there are 65% chance that the man was on that relationship because of how he feel.

This is marriage, a life time thing but its looking too technical with a lot of plotting and projecting. The reasons people get divorced so much is because they go in with expectations of certain outcomes and when it backfires they chicken out.
She's very honest and I like that. However, you don't necessarily need a husband to give your kid a father figure. Uncles and brothers can play that role. She should first find love before thinking of the other aspects otherwise it will only be a disaster.
It's better to be in a long term relationship and be happy than to wear a ring and be miserable. She's not so interested in being loved in my opinion, she just wants a husband.

zed7:

This is marriage, a life time thing but its looking too technical with a lot of plotting and projecting. The reasons people get divorced so much is because they go in with expectations of certain outcomes and when it backfires they chicken out.
She's very honest and I like that. However, you don't necessarily need a husband to give your kid a father figure. Uncles and brothers can play that role. She should first find love before thinking of the other aspects otherwise it will only be a disaster.
It's better to be in a long term relationship and be happy than to wear a ring and be miserable. She's not so interested in being loved in my opinion, she just wants a husband.

I agree with u that love was not on that agenda. I also love the fact that she got an idea of what she wanted. we have to respect that.
Marriage is no longer a lifetime thing.. there are lots of people going in and out of it she will be fine.

you have really suffered. all your stories on nairaland are one kind. this guy will use you for british pali. all too glaring

UjuJoan2:


And yet a number of Nigerian men keep seeking out women with foreign passports to marry.

Automatic or not, the possibility is a great incentive for the man to want to marry her. Let's not pretend it's not a valid concern because it is!

You literally just moved our conversation into another territory, what I cannot tell is if this was on purpose or just an oversight on your part.

The lady's concern is not regarding the man's citizenship BUT that of his kids. The latter is completely her prerogative and she did not state anywhere that the former was of any concern to her, which in itself would have been the valid concern.

Perhaps you should ask her why the man's kids are even on her radar when it should be the man himself.

@OP, Your threads describe you to me as a woman desperate for love . Women desperate for mens love never get it. I wish you wisdom above all things.