oh and the only reason why I gave those details about me being comfortable was to give context, not to show off.
I was actually telling yound ladies out there that having a career and being financially comfortable doesn't make you
more attractive in most men's eyes (IMO). At least in the eyes of the serious ones. Au contraire...

I had conversations with guy friends who told me they would never marry a woman like me because they could not stand having a wife that
goes through the same kind of stress they get at work and bring that stress home. Also they wanted THEIR career to be the focus. They didn't want
headaches when they make career moves when you have to think twice because your wife has one of her own and so on.

That said if i could press reset, I would still be career driven because that's just me. I would date earlier and make finding my futur
husband as important as pursuing my master during my college years

Abudu2000:
offcourse she is the type. Her words alone gave her out, besides for a girl to get to that age without a husband and even the baby dad ran off, didn't that raise a red flag?? I have girls of 20s around me doing runs up and down. Those are the same type will open a similar thread in future....my broda women no know where dey Pain, leave those confused beings alone

Maybe you're right, maybe there is something inherent to my personality that makes it
impossible for me to "keep" a man. This is the reason why i'm still working on myself and doing all
the soul searching.And I pray God help me find the problem and fix myself.

That said, when I was in my late 20s, I was dating a guy who was unemployed. I would help him out
with his bills, in the secret of his bedroom and never told anyone. I would go to his place, cook, clean, wash everything. I used
to wash his underwear... I would shower his relatives with all sorts of gifts.
They would ask me for stuff and i would give it. His married and working sisters would ask me anything and i would do it.
It was not enough

Then I dated a "religious" guy. Our relationship was so smooth, we got along so well, shared so much in common... He turned out
to be a closeted gay or bisexual guy. This one here, I can say with O second guessing had nothing to do with me. It was bad luck

Then I got with my baby daddy. I may not be a "good woman" but here is the kind of man he is:
someone who dates a woman for 5 years, makes plans with her tells her to get pregnant for him.
Someone who supports that woman through fibroids surgery and other medical treatments to facilitate pregancy
someone who decides, once she is pregnant that he is not ready and demands an abortion
someone who bails on her when she refuses to get the abortion, refuses to answer any call, email or contact
from her for 18 months.
someone who doesnt answer when he is told his daughter was born.
Someone who only comes around when his ass is taken to court.

I'm sorry but this is not a good man, this is not a decent man and this is not the kind of man any woman should pray for.

I don't regret not marrying any of them because they all had major caracther flows and i would have been miserable eventually.
I regret having poor jugement and a tendancy to cling to bad relationships unstead of walking away.

Finaly I agree that I deserve what happened to me. I brought all of this on myself but this notion that any woman who is single late in life
as to be a terrible person is just not true. Some people are just less lucky than others...

To those who warned me about "dating" on this site,, thank you but don't worry. I won't fall for that.
I can't get myself to start online dating in general. I would rather find someone in a more organic way

briandaman:
40 with no family of your own suggests that the problem is you. You just have a thing about you that attracts useless men. Is the way you dress? The impression you give men? Your attitude to life? Have a look at yourself mama.

Believe me, I've been doing that for a while now. I wrote a very long post were I list the 3 major reasons why I ended up in this situation.
I will add one, a more profound one. For a very long time I WAS the one afraid of commitment. I kept postponing starting dating and when I finally did, I picked guys mostly on "who's ticking most of the boxes" rather than "who makes my heart beat faster"; I entered "reasonable" but not so much "loving" relationships; if I have to shrink myself I would say this is probably due to my parent's horrible, miserable, abusive marriage. I grew up witnessing how miserable they were together and not knowing how a loving couple is supposed to work

I don't blame them tho, they did the best they could and sticked together for us, the kids

LivingFree:
I'm officially depressed

Op... all you? Every possible cliché, finished

sadly yes... can't make this up

millomaniac:


If you are in nigeria chances are really slim unless you are rich. Just be positive don't give it too much attention so you don't appear kinda desperate and be taken advantage of. Just be positive, happy and live your life while leaving your doors open. If it will happen it's sure gonna happen. Cheers. Marriage is not about love well not entirely if you and the father of your daughter understand each other. You should go give him a chance.

I'm not in Nigeria...I'm Ivorian (but I got my honorary Nigerian citizenship because I have lot of Nigerian friends and I love your cultures )
I was born and raised in Ivory Coast and now I live in France. All my ex are Ivorian too. From what I see, Ivorian are just French speaking Nigerians. Every thing else is the same

I thought my baby daddy was my only option too so even after all he did to me, I was still considering taking him back. My red line tho is I can't accept to be his booty call. if he wants me as his wife or even as the woman he lives with, why not but apparently he wants us to live our separate lives, get together when he wants/needs it and move on. he surely thinks he's my only option two BTW

austyn0:
Our young girls should learn from your plight...Lalas made good points.

Yes, if my experience can help any young lady out there, here is my take on it. This will be a long a$$ post (sorry). Forgive my syntax, English is not my first langage. So only for those interested:

IMO I made 3 major mistakes:

1- I waited too long to enter the dating scene. I thought I had to compartmentalize : finish school, get a job, than find a man. I kept pushing away suitors, probably good ones in my 20s because I didn't want any distraction from getting that big flashy degree I wanted. The truth is finding a good match is like anything else. it takes practice. you need to date, to get out there, fall in love, get your heart broken, learn how to act in a relationship, kiss a few frogs in order to find that special person. I'm not talking about sleeping around but dating.
I did not, so when I started a relationship I was clueless and awkward at an age I was not supposed to be. Plus, those college years are your best shot at finding Mr. right. You have a very good social network and the dating pool is endless. Most of my GF met their husbands in college

2- I thought being a successful career women with money, being smart, modest and reserved would land me tones of good suitors.Turns out I was wrong. Most of my GF who made "good" marriages are unemployed, dropped out of college or have low profile jobs. They are very good looking and are very feminine in their demeanor. Most of them are happily married with lot of kids. Me on the other hand, once I left college, I realized most men my age were in relationships. I was working so I didn't have much time to socialize and meet new people. The guys I met were afraid of me because of my job and the kind of money I was making. I guess they thought I had to be bossy or not submissive enough or too much to deal with...

3- I lingered in bad relationships even when I knew deep down it wasn't working.I would tell myself that "everyone has flows" and accept behaviors that I should not have accepted. I thought I would eventually change the guy (how silly right ?). Finally I allowed men to string me along.
I've been in 3 relationships.

The first one was a guy I was so much in love with. He was out of college and unemployed when we started dating. I knew from the get go that he had at least one other woman in is life. I let people convinced me that I could not find any really single guy and that the rule of the game was to get with a guy, be the best girlfriend and get chosen. So for 3 years I waited for him to choose me. I helped him financially until he got a government job and he made me believe he was about to propose. Then one day I got confronted in his house while he was out; the girl tracked us to make sure I was there alone, came and told me she was pregnant for him. I was devastated. I left and he tried to win me back, to apologized etc. He told me she was not pregnant . I was about to cave when HE ghosted me, out of the blue... I later found out that this girl and I were both side chicks. He married his long time girlfriend and had a baby with her. Mind you I was a 100% blindsided. He introduced me to his entire family. His sisters would call me "wifey"; I thought I was the "main girl" and I was OK with that. No woman should never be OK with being 1 among many.

I was still recovering from this mess when a friend set me up for a blind date. I told him I wanted to meet a christian guy with strong religious values. We hit it off at the first date. He was a bit older and mature. he seemed too good to be true. I had this little voice inside me telling me to get out. I didn't listen to my own instinct. He was so pushy and moving so fast that within 6 months we were engaged, getting married in the next month and moving in together. I moved in after our parents met and his family gave mine the traditional dowry. One day my computer just crashed; I had to borrow his. That's when I found out he had multiple accounts set in gay dating sites. I confronted him, he denied but I called of the engagement off and moved out

All this time I was friend with my baby's father. We met at an alumni reunion. We attended the same business school but not the same years.
At the time he hit on me, I told him I had someone so we became "friends". after my breakup. I was a mess and he was there for me. I was not interested in him, not attracted at all but he kept pursuing me for so long that eventually, I convinced myself that he had to be genuinely into me to be that persistent. My GF told me that sometimes you fall in love while dating so I decided to give it a shot. It was terrible. We kept fighting and arguing for everything; I knew I had to break up but I was scared to be alone and I was 33 by the time I realized it was never going to work. I wanted children so I thought it was too late for me to start over with someone new. I thought I would have to settle for this half baked relationship so I decided to cave to all his demands and be the woman he wanted so we could take it to the next level. he kept promising to do just that. He was stringing me along. eventually he told me we should start trying for a baby and that we would get married afterward. Now I know he said that just as another way of stringing me because I found out that I had fertility issues. So he probably thought I would never get pregnant anyway. So when I did he was mad, pressured me to get an abortion and finally left me when I refused.
He went Mia during my pregnancy and until the baby was 6 month. I had to take him to court before he came to see the baby and put his name on her birth certificate. It took 6 more months for him to start paying child support.
He sees her once a month and every time he comes, he tries to sleep with me. I finally told him that if he wanted us back together he had to make it right this time. He had to go to my parents and make it official.
He said he's not ready for that and told me 2 days ago he would not be arround much in the coming weeks...


So now here I am, in the sunken place, trying to get out of my pity party.

Lalas247:


A man will never ever make you feel complete!

my dear start with loving yourself .. selflove is a powerful thing.. once you don't need a man it will come .. don't get desperate that way you wont allow stray dogs into your home..

you have a beautiful daughter. that is who you should be living for trust me.

there is always someone out there if its meant to be ... go traveling , holidays infact you can relocate your child is still very young. fresh start being a single mum isn't the end of the world

remember life begins at 40

I know you're right. Believe me, my baby girl is the center of my universe. I also know that no man can make me happy. It's not about that. I am happy. I praise God everyday for the life, health and love he allows my loved ones and myself to enjoy. I'm grateful.
It's just that some days, when my baby's sleeping and I'm sitting on my couch alone, I would love to have someone to snuggle up to. Someone to share the details of my difficult day at work or laugh about the last baby tantrum I had to deal with

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a 2.5 yo girl and I'm about to turn 39.
My baby's father is out of the picture. He bailed on me while pregnant and only came back after 2 years and me taking him to court.
Now he wants to "take things where we left them" but my understanding and gut feeling is he just wants free passes with me.

I made so many mistakes with my dating life that I find myself in this horrible position of being a single mother about to hit the big 4.

I have a great job, a career, enough money to be comfortable, a wonderful child, family and friends but I still feel lonely and depressed at times.
I neve envisioned this life for myself and never imagined never marrying.

I've been working on myself, working out, finding new hobbies, building up my self confidence but I don't know how in the world I would or could find a man.

Is there any chance someone like me could find a decent man to share my life with ?

Hi all,

I had a baby with my ex boyfriend. We were dating for 3 years and talking taking it to the next level when I got pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion, I refused so he bailed on me.

I had no sign from him whatsoever for 18 months. I had to take him to court before he made a U turn and decided to be part of the baby’s life. It’s been almost a year and he is an OK dad. Since his “comeback”, he has been very insistent on getting back together. I still have feelings for him and would like my baby to have a typical family but I can’t get over the betrayal.

Lately, my mum has been staying with us to help me with my child. Since her arrival, he refuses to come home visit his daughter and will only call me on work hours when I’m not home.

My mum has always been very nice and welcoming to him. They never had any issues and even when he abandoned me pregnant, she never called him, tried to make a scene or reached out to any of his family members.

Now I see his behavior as another sign of the fact that he only wants casual “drives by” with his baby mama. He says he will “eventually” meet her but doesn’t feel ready to face her.

Am I overthinking this ?Should I give this a try ?