₦airaland Forum

hee. i no dey o

@IMAL,
USE YOUR IMAGINATION

CONSIDER THE COUPLE AND THE CLOTHES & SHOE

COMMENTS PLS

do u still doubt me?

no comment

FORGET IT. WITH MY WIFE, I CAN DO DAT. BUT WITH MY FIANCE , NOOOOOOO.

These are more effective than 911

When –

You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19–34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You feel like an outcast, phone Romans 8:31-39
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip, phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation’s and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone Mark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul’s secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12

ALTERNATE NUMBERS
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 3:47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18

ALL THESE NUMBERS MAY BE PHONED DIRECTLY.
NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.
ALL LINES TO HEAVEN ARE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
FEED YOUR FAITH, AND DOUBT WILL STARVE TO DEATH.

[color=#000099][/color]
b]NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES[/b]

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY:
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25


BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

I wonder what would happen if we treat our Bible like we treat our cell phones?

What if we carry it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we turn back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we flip through it several times a day?

What if we use it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treat it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we give it to kids as gifts?

What if we use it as we travel?

What if we use it in case of an emergency?

What if we upgrade it to get the latest version?

This is something to make you go, hmmm, where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing.

Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!

I came across a jokey write up recently comparing prison and work and I thought it might be interesting to you. For readers familiar with the inside of prisons in European countries, perhaps from movies or other experiences, I will choose not to discuss in this article, comparing work to prison will not appear outrageous.

IN PRISON, you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK , you spend the majority of your time "in one 6x8.
IN PRISON , you get three meals a day.
AT WORK , you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON , you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK , you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON , the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK , you carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON , you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK , you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON , you get your own toilet.
AT WORK , you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON , they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK , you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON , you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK , they're called managers.
IN PRISON , all expenses paid by taxpayers; no work required.
AT WORK , you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON , you spend your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK , you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


SO, WHERE WILL YOU RATHER BE?

[color=#000099][/color]
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God
doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.
"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist!” Answered the barber. "What happens is people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" - affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is people don't go to Him and do not
look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

@Segoye, may be u shuld go and check Saddam's condition 4 us. It will serve a better purpose if u ask yourself where u stand.

I would rather live my life believing there is a God and die 2 discover that there is none than live my life as if there is no God and die 2 discover that there is one.

Helo all. Have been hanging around on the outside for some and now i'm in. Hope someone in here will welcome me.