₦airaland Forum

When you ask a man, "do you love me?" what reply are you really expecting him to give you? That he doesn't

A man that wants to live with you without marrying you is probably not interested in a lifetime commitment.

When a man breaks up with you, don't console yourself believing he will come back to you. It is really a foolish way to waste your time. Go and look for a good movie to watch. Move on with your life......

You should by all means know the financial status of someone you intend to marry. It is only wise and right. I have seen some marriage where a wife does not know how much her husband earns. I wonder what they've been talking about all these years.

Every one is fine just as they are. Perhaps they are not just fine for you. What you cannot tolerate, do not hope to change.

If someone is always trying to change you, You will know because you will always struggle with inferiority around them. Do not marry someone that always makes you feel inferior. Marry someone that makes you feel better about yourself.



I've observed that many ladies do not seem to have a problem with a man cheating on them.

I have to say something first, I will get back to that.

Sometimes you're in a relationship with people that are overtly right. Coupled with your low esteem you take blame for everything that goes wrong in the relationship.

That is an emotionally abusive relationship. When someone is an adult, they are responsible for their actions and responses.

If something happened in your relationship everyone has a hand in it........most times

If someone makes it look like you are "always getting them angry" you've got to reconsider this perspective. Because reactions to life events are deliberate choices that people make.

So as I was saying, I have observed that many ladies expect their man to cheat on them. In their opinion, it is becoming the norm for men to cheat on their wives and you will be lucky if you got married to a man that didn't.

I find this permissive disposition disheartening. This is not fair to the ladies neither is it fair to our sense of morality.

It is wrong for a woman to be cheated on, and if a man shows sighns of cheating, do not marry him. Ladies, have some respect for yourself so these men can respect you. Don't give them the privilege and the consensual justification to cheat on women. IT IS NOT A MAN'S RIGHT TO CHEAT ON HIS WIFE..

PLEASE!!!!

eph12:
Be specific please. What have you noticed? What kind of attitude you talking about? Am sure the girls can learn a thing or two.

MY dear, a good attitude is a good attitude . It is not a complex and 'highly intellectual matter.' it is the everyday simple matter. The good attitude you know is the one I'm talking about. It is not a special good attitude somewhere. If you want me to still explain this, may be I could write a post about it someday.

But just to clarify, here is something that happened in my working place.

A colleague was telling me that he was talking with a friend of his. That friend brought out his phone and showed my colleague a picture of a girl. Apparently he was interested in her. My colleague looked at the picture, saw the face and realised he knew the girl. In fact, this girl was another colleague of ours.
He advised the guy not t go for her. Because she has a 'bad attitude'

I don't know if he was right about discouraging his friend. But about the attitude of the girl, There's no male colleague of mine that tells you he would want to marry this girl. They don't even accept it in a joke.

She's got a very quick temper....
And puts guys down quickly.
And she always wants to make sure you're aware she has superior arguments. She knows more than everyone.
Just For these two simple reasons, nobody wants to be interested in her.

And the funny thing is that she's got 'great' male friends. But hear them talk about her behind her back.

I hope this gives you an idea about what might likely fall into a good attitude or perhaps, character.
Thank you.

foolinlove:
Good attitude to all men? No thanks. Some men are a$$holes. I'm not going to be nice to horrible people and invite them into my life because it *might* result in something I want.

And if this is your argument, don't make it gendered. Apply it to women AND men. Eg, men should have a good attitude to all women all the time, if they want to be married.

Oh yes right. That's the spirit. Thats why it's nairaland. We are here to talk.

I didn't say invite them into your life. I only said don't pursue then with 'gun and matchet'
You can still get rid of people in your life without been rude. I seriously believe so.

And yes, I might as well advice the men.
Have a good attitude towards the women in your life

I hope that settles our quarrel

eph12:
How should they treat the guys around them? Declare sex-free days? Or cook and serve them food daily? Or dry clean their clothes foc as the need arises?
Seminars should be arranged for these our young men o. They need to know that the world doesn't revolve around men only and females are not born into this world for the sole purpose of pleasing guys.

Overblown ma'am.
Nope the world doesn't revolve around guys. And females are not born to please men. That's right. But we are not talking about pleasing guys or revolving around men.
We are talking about ladies that want to get married.
We are talking about ladies that would like to be approached by a good man for marriage someday.
I am just talking about consciously developing a good attitude towards the men in your life. Because you never can tell who will make a referral.
MY dear lady, I think this is great advise.

foolinlove:
This is silly advice. Womens' lives don't revolve around attracting men for marriage.

You act as if women are objects whose sole purpose is to please men.

Hahahaha. I see that you've seriously misunderstand me. All this women love people.

What I mean is that any lady who wants to get married someday should have a good attitude towards the men in her life. Wether she thinks the person can marry her or not. My message is that simple. Sorry if it wasn't clear to you.

All these girls wanting a good husband, I wonder which excuse they will come and give me for wanting to marry you when you cannot treat well the men around you. Check am now, which unique thing will they notice about you that will make them approach you. Or is it plenty make up? Make up is not new anymore, it has become common look on the street ni.
Treat those ones around you as potential husbands, or at least husband bringers. make yourself stand out from the crowd. Even self, if they can't marry you, they will tell one of their friends what a great girl you are. You never can tell o. Serve them well.
Market yourself!

You know people talk about the joys of a marriage. And then you look at yourself, and your own marriage, you find that it's not exactly as they say. More like reading a text book and finding that you have a different experience.

Sometimes you're married to someone every one sees and they're like, "wow! She's Married to him, she must be really lucky," and you're like, "I wish they knew better.
It can be painful. You just know you are living below the potential of your marriage..

You cannot CONFIRM their TESTIMONIES, not of your relationship nor of your partner.

I want to show you something.. .
Actually, the road to a better marriage BEGINS FROM THAT ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.
That acknowledgement that you're truly living below the potential of your marriage. That knowing that it can really be better than this.
And that something can be done about it.

I'm serious about this. You see, many people are in relationships or marriages that are less than satisfactory. They are with spouses that they know can really do better if they wanted to. But they have resigned themselves to status quo. They tell themselves "this is my lot, it is my own share of life's troubles. It is my own share of life's pains. And I must learn to live with it. So they have no willingness to have more.

When you become accustomed to what is, you have no willingness to change it, though you may wish change. But how can one change without a willingness, a strong will, a knowing within you that you don't want to remain at this level. You want to dig deeper, into the place where you too can experience the great joys of the coupled life. I once read, that a man cannot get to where he wants to go, except he is ready to live the place that he is, so you must have a strong WILLINGNESS to see CHANGE.

But if a desire to change only was the all in one solution to your relationship troubles, you know you should be having a great relationship. Because in fact, you're so tired you wish for some magic to happen. That's right, and the magic is just about to happen.
The truth is that it takes more than a will.

You've probably heared that where there is a WILL, there is a WAY. You have just not reasoned that a way is HOW something is done. Many people desire change in a relationship, they desire happiness, they desire true joy, but they will never settle down to think about what they might have to do to have it.
The issue, is not even about wether they are doing something. But it's more about doing the right thing and about wether they're doing it the RIGHT WAY. So then, you want to agree with me that the greatest relationship challenge you have to deal with right now, is your IGNORANCE.

What don't you know then? First, You are not aware of the good things in your relationship.
When you're too focused on all the things that are going wrong in your relationship, it can become pretty difficult seeing any other thing.

Many times we focus on the wrong things, and we ask the wrong questions. Learn to focus on the right things and ask the right questions. You've heard of this analogy of a half glass of water. Some see it as half full. Others see it as half empty. It tells wether you're focusing on the negatives or on the positives. Life will always bring you what you seek, you will always see what you look for. In a relationship or marriage, instead of asking questions that bring you lessons, ask more questions that bring you results. "Why do we always quarrel" flip, "how can we stop quarrelling always." 'why am I always angry' "how can I become more happy" sometimes you learn lessons that don't show you the route to change, it just tells you what's wrong with you.And you can become so focused on what is wrong with you, that you loose all your power to make any progress. Learn lessons, and learn how to get better results.

You have to begin from this point of ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. This glass is not half empty, it is half full. What is great and unique about this relationship. What I'm I grateful for about my partner, that is the first thing you have to settle. It will be very difficult today, to find any happiness in your relationship if you cannot pinpoint anything that is good of the relationship. Maybe you have gotten to the place where the privileges you enjoy have become normal for you, and therefore you have forgotten that they are privileges.



We are not talking about resigning yourself to a life of mediocrity. We are not talking about accepting a life of doom and misery. But we are talking about real contentment. I'm not talking about resigning yourself to the woes of your relationship, but finding joy in the things that be. You see, Though there be things that define what a good relationship looks like, yet we cannot deny that 'good' can be relative. Are you not sure your definitions of what you define a happy relationship are too high.

Let us look at this. Have you actually considered that the people who say your relationship is great, or your partner is a great person at least had some truth to what they are saying. Have you considered those people will be glad to have a relationship like yours. You may want to discard it as coming from their ignorance of the challenges you have in your relationship. Yet we speak not of challenges. We are taking about the positives that people see. To change a situation or someone, you must begin from the positives, because THAT WILL DEFINITELY BE YOUR PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

So you must express your happiness about the things that are good in your relationship. You must express them to yourself, and you must express them to your partner. That is where it starts from. Contentment and sincere gratefulness will influence many areas of your life. It will for one influence your attitude towards your partner. This is powerful. Your own happiness in your relationship is greatly affected by the attitude you have towards your partner. If your partner is always the villain in your Holywood movie, I don't see how you can get any happiness from interacting with someone that you consider an enemy. That is why some recasting is necessary. That is why we have to look for some truth about the good qualities of your spouse, that is why we have to make a commitment to rehearse these qualities in the hearing of your spouse.

You don't know what appreciation can do in someone's life. Appreciation is a great tool in the hands of a change seeker. I believe in the power of appreciation. It can turn a stone face into a smile. It can calm an angry soul. It can turn rage into indifference. It can turn innocent and light hearted involvement into committed involvement. It brings a sense of value, a sense of significance and most importantly a sense of responsibility. Appreciation is gratitude, it is a thankful recognition of specific deeds and qualities. It must become part of your essence. It must become part of your being. It must become part of your daily routine. You must take out time to say a sincere thank you and a expression of thankful feelings to your spouse over this specific thing and that specific quality.
If you can reach this milestone, you would have solved your problem beyond halfway.

Because you would realise, that both you and your partner are already feeling some good feelings about your relationship. And if it continues, you're eventually going to shove all the bad feeling away.

We shall continue. Please share.

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LET'S DISCUSS THIS MOVIE 001

I watched this interesting movie. There was a Prince that travelled to America for studies. He got both first and second degree there. Before long, his father and mother called him. They wanted him to come home to pick a wife from the Madukas.

The Madukas had four daughters.
All beautiful. Different shades of character . The first, A Perfectionist. She was neater than neat. Don't mess with her.
The Second, Pretentiously high class, but she had a secret village boyfriend to 'keep body and soul together' (that's what she said).
The third, calm headed but she had a fiancee. Her mother didn't like him though.
The fourth, nice and playful but very 'Tomboyish'.

They lived in the city. Refined. So because the king told the mother that his son was coming home to pick a wife from their family, she had to travel home with her four daughters.

When the Prince came back, he realised he had a challenge..making the right choice among them. He asked his sister if she was close to any of them. She said no. They did not know the Prince, the Prince did not know them. It was a dilemma. How could he possibly make a correct choice from people he didn't even know to live with for life?

Anyways, thank God for scriptwriters.
At the home of the Madukas, the house help was watching clothes and forgot the food she kept on fire. She burnt it. The king somehow heard about it. Mrs. Maduka told him it may be that she is overwhelmed with the chores. The king offered to send one of the palace guards to help for the time been.

When the Prince heard about it, he arranged with the guard and his sister. Told his father that he was going back to America to take care of some urgent business issues, and that he'd come back in a month. Then he went to the home of the Madukas as the guard that was sent.

So he was there for one month. Seeing them in their everyday character and also putting one after the other to the test.

One day, he burnt the clothe of the eldest. She threw a tantrum. It was terrible. The second was making a late night call to her village boyfriend. He went to her room to do something, and heard her talk about the Prince in a way he didn't like. The fourth was his great friend. But he didn't think she was in the league. The third, he deliberately poured her water while washing the car. She was all dressed and wanted to go out. Really angry, she gave him a slap. Later in the day, she came to him and apologised to him, and to add to that, she's never let him clean her room. She always does it herself.

I'd save you the surprise when he left for the palace and came back to their home as the prince.

And of course it's clear which he'll pick..The third.

Who has watched this movie

And for those who haven't, you just read the story, I have a question.

If he didn't take the route he took, or let's imagine you were the Prince, seeing that nobody knew anyone, they were all strangers both to themselves and to the villagers, how would you have made your own choice. What would you have done to know which has a character good enough for marriage.

It is our experience that some people get over a breakup more easily than others. Mariana Bockarova Ph.D. talks about a scenario where one partner gets over a breakup of a relationship that lasted only a year, while the other stays heartbroken for a long time, even wishing that the other will return.

Mariana Bockarova Ph.D says love is like an addiction becuase of neurochemicals "(including adrenaline,dopamine, norepinephrine, seratonin, and, if the bond with our partner is particularly strong, oxytocin)."

Now let me try to explain what that means.

When someone is addicted to something, for example cocain, there is something called a 'Reward Centre' in the brain that feels and produces all the pleasure that the person 'enjoys.'

In the beginning, he will require only small doses of the cocain to Excite him. But as time goes on, he will require more and more doses to cause an excitation.

That means the brain is getting accustomed to the cocain. So it is not "new" substance.

But if the person attempts to leave that substance, since the brain is already accustomed to it because of the 'normal' reward it gets from it, it will start calling for It.
Thats one of the reasons why you hear of things like "withdrawal symptoms"

Stay with me on this... . . .

When you first get attached to someone, all those bonding neurochemicals mentioned above will be produced in your brain. They just keep your heart pumping, staying excited and depressed at ones, and thinking about Mr. and Mrs. Love all the time. You can't even do anything, Daydreaming is your hobby.

But with time, your brain gets used to these chemicals so you stabilise. You can attend to the normal duties of life again. A stable and reasonable relationship forms. This becomes the normal.

But if you break up with your partner, our reward center will start calling for all those feelings that falling in love first brought you. The ones it had gotten accustomed to.

THIS IS ONE SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION WHY YOU MISS AND SOMETIMES WANT YOUR EX BACK IMMEDIATELY AFTER A BREAKUP.

I believe that Understanding this fact alone will greatly enhance your ability to move on after a breakup up. You understand that it's just a chemical process that will stop with time. You will certainly be able to get over it.

If you're currently getting over a break up, here is something to help you.

1. Don't vilify your ex. That means you shouldn't think about your ex as a completely bad person who had no intention except to hurt you. That's not true. Don't also make yourself believe they never loved you at all. Someone that didn't love you would not have come to you for a relationship in the first place.

2. Don't idealise your ex. Sometimes you want to see your ex as someone that is completely good, who had no flaws. That's not true. Abs it does no good to your self esteem. You want to see yourself as the cause of the whole problem and your ex as perfect. But If they had no flaws, your relationship would have continued forever It's clear they couldn't hold their end of the rope as well.

3. Don't stop yourself from thinking about your relationship. It is important you grieve properly. Grieve the good times you had. Feel hurt about the sour times. It's all in the process. Regret about the 'time you've wasted.' Cry. It's all OK.

4. Think cognitively. Pick a pen and paper. Write the story of your relationship, and how you broke up. Read it aloud over and over to yourself till you can laugh over it. It's going to take some time. Write all the good things you learnt from your relationship.

5. Profile your ex. You're still writing. Write about the good qualities of your ex..
the things that attracted you. Write about their bad qualities too.....perhaps the very ones that led to the breakup. It will help your sense of objectivity. It will also teach you about yourself. You will learn what you want in a partner and what you don't want.

6. Don't rush into another relationship
This is not safe for you. Nor is it safe for your partner. You will carry over a lot of emotional hurt and this will be very bad for your relationship. One of the reasons why this is not good is that someone might get close to you in your grieving process. They may serve to console you. But once your hurt is gone, they may have served their purpose. You will start seeing all of their flaws. Another reason is that you are emotionally vulnerable during your grieving period. You may not be mentally able to make a correct choice. Wait it out. Wait until you have regained yourself. The third reason is that you may want to be with a relationship with that person out of obligation since they were there for you in your down time. But what if you're not properly matched, you will have a relationship that is less than satisfactory.

Lolzz

If you're in a relationship and you feel consistently tense near your partner, and you can't love them the way you want to, it's obvious something is wrong. Take a critical look at what might be causing it . It may be something wrong with you, your partner or with the relationship.

If you can't seem to find anything that is causing it, take step back. You might be up too close, you need a break to think over things. You may be surprised at what you may find.

Make sure you're not all dependent on the relationship. Do other things that interest you. Get involved in other activities without your partner. You may be putting too much pressure on the relationship.

Check your stress level and make sure your stress is properly managed. If you are stressed up, it always always affects how you react to people. Make sure you're getting enough sleep and relaxing activities.

Check your past if you were Sexually abused. This can be a very strong reason for tense feelings around the opposite sex when you get too close.

Keep the list going, what's your own reason?

The intent of the question is to raise awareness to these things. It's not everybody that knows it's not safe. I am a relationship coach. You did not have to call it foolish. Just give your opinion so others can learn too.

Some people see nothing wrong in been still close to their ex after they've moved on to another relationship. And then if their partner had an issue with it, they'd say he's been insecure. I mean, if he has to admit to been insecure on this one issue to separate that closeness, then I'll say he should be hundred fold insecure. Seriously, I feel it's not safe. And it will put AVOIDABLE PRESSURE on your relationship. And then for some, the ex is their best pal. They run to him for every pin and curry. He knows about everything that's going on in the relationship. You know what I'll say to you, divorce your husband and go marry your ex. No, don't take that as an advice. That's a prediction. Because one day when you have a banter with your relationship, and he's trying to comfort you, just one day, you may gradually begin to continue from where you left off. You may want to say, "but nothing is happening between us, my husband knows that." Really, does he? Have you asked him if he is confortable with with that level of closeness with your ex? Is he not trying to act comfortable because he wants to be a man? I mean, you are in an emotional relationship with your ex, and that's cheating on your husband.
Some pressure you pour on your relationship can be totally avoided. There's no point playing to it.

And If you're the one that is close to an ex that is now married, please I beg you, for the sake of her marriage, give her space. I think it's the the right thing to do. It's my opinion, what do you think?

PROPER PHONE BEHAVIOUR

Phones have become an integral part of our lives, and of our relationships. Bad behavior with phone can easily destroy your relationship. The need for Phone etiquette is seriously felt in many relationships. I have a few personal rules with my phone because you can send a message you don't want to send across to your partner, when that's not what you really intend. Here are are some phone behaviours that may help you.

1. DON'T CALL SOMEONE MORE THAN TWICE
If you partner is not picking your call, it may mean he is busy or she may not be near her phone. Filing someone's phone with 15 missed calls would not get them to pick the phone any faster . In fact if they are busy or deliberately not picking, your incessant calling is aggravating the situation and stripping you of dignity. It's irritating. I call twice because I imagine you were not near the phone on my first call, and then it stopped ringing before you could get to the phone. So I give it a second shot after which I don't call again. I wait for you to return the call. If it was an emergency and I really needed to speak with you, I may send you a text instead.

2. ALWAYS RETURN CALLS PROMPTLY.
When your partner or anyone for that matter calls you, and you missed the call, it is absolutely important that you return the call promptly. It's courtesy. Some don't do this. They wait for you to call them back. It's VERY RUDE. You're sending off the message that the person that called you isn't important. So please do call back. Only this is enough to break a relationship apart. And if by any means you forgot, apologise for this.

3.NEVER SETTLE A QUARREL ON PHONE.
I don't have enough space to talk about this. But I simply don't resolve conflicts on phone. Not by text, nor by voice calls. (except you were in a long distance relationship that ruled out the possibility of a face to face talk). As a matter of fact, I I don't even think it's a good place to quarrel much more try to settle one. The simple reason is, phones can be really misleading. You can misunderstand a lot of things, sometimes creating conflicts that aren't even there. Reading emotions that are absent, and missing ones that are present. It's difficult to talk to someone face to face, much more on phone where you can't properly explain some things.

4. DON'T KEEP PRESSING YOUR PHONE WHEN WITH YOUR PARTNER
It's rude. It's "you're not important to me" It's "I'm really busy right now, I want you to leave me alone." It's "I'm so bored with you right right now, I'm looking for something to interest myself. Don't do it. Its out of place. When you are with your partner, give them your full attention.

5. Now if you're the girl, and you are interested in some guy, and he's doing the chasing, don't go after him with your phone . makes you cheap and desperate. He may turn back and run away. Give him some space to do the chase. Some say you shouldn't call him at all if you're not yet in a relationship. Well, personally, I believe if he's always the one calling you, it's not a bad idea to call him ONCE IN A WHILE. That's some encouragement for a chaser.

6. DON'T USE CAPITAL LETTERS ALL THROUGH IN TEXT MESSAGES
Especially if you are passing an information or making a request, it adds too much emphasis and may either make you sound too needy or too bossy. Nobody likes to be SHOUTED AT.

7. Never end a call if you're not the one that initiated it. Except you're were talkng to your grandmother that has a problem with the end button. It's also not nice to hang up on someone. No mater the provocation. Always say a proper nice good bye.

Keep the list going, what's yours?