₦airaland Forum

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me

so women, accept him the way he was when u met him. Cuz if u refurbish him, he willl finish u.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed , it said, "It is 5.00am; wake up

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am really enjoying this thread

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup are all over their robes, hamhocks. Isi ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold, some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are beer bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the, !, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute,"and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there? "The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee, hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!"

Unknown to most, as Pope John Paul II was dying, he sent a message to Babangida and Alamieyeseigha (one a Christian and one a Muslim) to come to his home in the Vatican. They were very surprised at this unexpected invitation, but they quickly packed their bags and set off for the Vatican via Rome. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned to them to sit on each side of the bed. When they did the Pontiff grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For some time, no one said anything. Both Babanigida and Alamieyeseigha were touched and flattered that the old Pope would ask them to be with him during his final moment. Babangida being a Muslim was even more flattered that the Holy Father would invite someone of another faith to be with him at such critical hour. They were also puzzled because the Pope had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Babangida, tired of the silence, asked, "Fada, for what did you husk de two of huss to come here?" The old Pope mustered up some strength, raised his head slightly to get a good look at the two Nigerians and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go

A trailer driver was sitting at the 'mama put' eating his pounded yam and soup when some motorcycle (okada) touts walked in.

One walked up and put his finger inside the trailer driver's soup and said "this ya soup, e no hot, eh?" Another poked his fingers in the chap's pounded yam and said, "Not very soft, either, eh?"

After a few moments of silence, the trailer driver stood up, paid his bill and left the joint.

"Not much of a man, was he?" said the first 'okada man' to the waitress.

"You're right about that," she replied, "and not much of a driver either. He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides
that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to
leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.

One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. They all replied that they were contractors. The guard said, "Hey we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"

So, to the back fence they all went to heck it out. First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, $2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France to do the job

Recently divorced Nigerian man requires a real wife who adheres to traditional rules and roles, old fashioned values with little modern twist of beliefs.

I am a king and you are my queen. My woman must be educated (without bride price) - but not too educated or polluted by western feminist ideas. But please be able to work outside of home as well as within. This is important because my wife must be able to support me in my university studies abroad, as well as my extended family in Nigeria.

Virginity preferred, but fertility with the ability to produce and raise male children is paramount. Believe me, I know how to treat a woman like a lady.

You must be in good health to withstand the occasional beatings I administer to keep you in your place and to make you feel secure and loved.

The wife I'm looking for must be able to cook a lot of really delicious food (approximately 3 meals a day) with very limited budget.

Housekeeping abilities and a greencard a plus. I'm seeking an understanding wife who does not question the additional physical needs of men or my business of a personal OR professional nature.

Women who don't qualify as wife may also apply for position as my girlfriend. Women, if you are needing a real man, please contact me - or send me a pre-paid phone card and I will call you directly

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little farther and see another pen with a sign that says, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk farther and a third pen has a bull with a sign saying, "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow

You're flying Nigerian aways when,
You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.

Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.

The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says , " beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh, "

Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that ", this is NOT a boarding announcement.".

You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.

At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).

No magazine or news paper to read unless if you bring one.

Everybody is trying to figure out what "Port of Embarkation" means.

When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters , "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"

Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".

The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum, then it starts to drip on you.

Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane.

Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare" line

The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defence says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defence says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy

A little boy walking around school hears about courting. When he gets home he asks his mom what it is. His mom is shocked! She says you want to know what courting is, just hide behind your sister’s curtain and watch her and her boyfriend tonight.

The little boy is awakened by his mother the next morning. She asks what did you see?

Well, the boy starts, Sister and her boyfriend started talking. Then after awhile they hugged each other and kissed for a little while. Then I think that sister's boyfriend is training to be a doctor, because he reached under sister's shirt and was looking for a pulse. But I don’t think he knew where the pulse was because he was feeling around for it for awhile. Then he reached underneath her skirt and I was completely confused. Then all of the sudden an 8 inch eel appeared and sister’s boyfriend grabbed it fast. Then it went under sister’s skirt for a while. I think they were trying to kill it. Then sister tried to sit on it. Then all of the sudden, she started moaning and shouting things to God. Then she tried to bite its head off. But it was useless.

The horrible experience lasted about 35 minutes. Sister was out of breath. I could see the eel was dead. I could tell because sister’s boyfriend tore off the skin of the eel and flushed it down the toilet

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river".

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river".

Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up and said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river'"

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!!!

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by
my side, You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill
with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA And the Secret Service.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 year old girl's house.

One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football." The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one." She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts. The little girl proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be
married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only
very attractive but really great and understanding.
She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because
it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to
be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and
trimmed it down to just under a hundred , then she
floored me. She said that in a month I would be a
married man and that before that happened, she wanted
to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally
decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this
situation. I headed straight out the front door,

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my
father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that
they just wanted to be sure I was a good man and would
be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did,
and that I thought their "little test" was appalling
and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself, including
the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car
was to get a condom?

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"

"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.

Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied ), picked up her books and without a word walked out of the class. She never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat.

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Olusegun Obasanjo died and went straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England: I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5 minutes, and then she asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you?" The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too." He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you?" The devil says "Ten million dollars". With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous and starts screaming, "I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I want to talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I want to talk to the PDP, Stella, the Senbores, everybody, " He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked and talked and talked, then he asked, "Well, Devil, how much do I owe you?"

The devil says "One dollar". Obasanjo is stunned and says "One dollar? Only one freaking dollar?" The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, it's local"

Heaven, Legs First,
A teacher once asked us a question, in our BK class (bible knowledge class), back when I was in 3rd grade. She asked which part of the body goes to heaven first. Everybody raised up their hands. Out of nowhere, my friend Saheedu shouted LEGS, without even allowing the teacher to call on him. So the teacher then asked why he thought LEGS would make it to heaven first before the rest of the body. Saheedu started jumping in amusement and said, "Because every night I see my mom's legs up high and screaming OH GOD I'M COMING."

A chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver, the wife gave birth to a black baby, the chinese man was shocked and named the baby "SUM TIN RUNG

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed
with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave
him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he
prayed.

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my
wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. "
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it
to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and
balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to
the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with! them on
the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he
did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for
salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he
managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke
and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I
was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to
the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night."

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

progressive elimination frm fore play to d main congo shinning

O! Please do not kiss me
O! Please do not kiss ,
O! Please do not ,
O! Please do ,
O! Please,
O! ,

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3pack, 10pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist