₦airaland Forum

Stop Being Resentful

Say you are envious of the top position in your group. You have your position but you are not the head. You think to yourself, “I should be the one with that top position.” If the head of the group competently sticks to his position, thoughts like that will lead you to irritation and unhappiness. You become envious. And then you move into a state of resentment.

For whatever reason you are resentful, that resentment is a vicious emotion. That emotion paradoxically can be helpful. If you are resentful about something, it means one of two things. It either means that you are immature and need to grow up, accept responsibility, stop whining and being neurotic, or it means that someone is actually oppressing you in which case you have something to say or do that you are not saying or doing. Why do we often not say or do what we ought to say or do? Because it can be dangerous to do so. We are talking about an oppressor hence saying or doing what you should to free yourself from oppression could in itself pose to be a danger. You really can get yourself into a lot of trouble so it is easier to just not say anything. But there is a problem with that. By remaining silent and doing nothing, you protect yourself from trouble only in the short term. It gets worse. The resentment builds and gets out of hand such that it crushes you.

It starts with resentment and then it grows to the desire for revenge because in various ways you will attempt to get at the person who is oppressing you. At any chance you have, you will talk about him behind his back. If he wants you to do something, you will do it grudgingly and badly. At this point, your resentment has grown to become poisonous and that is a problem. If you make a home in that resentful space for long, you begin to craft a story telling yourself how the world is terrible and how that terror is directed at you and how everyone has rejected you. You move closer to the point where you think that existence itself is a poisonous endeavour and that the best thing to do is to go out there and create as much mayhem as you can. If you go too far in that dark space you think to yourself, “I am going to create as much mayhem as I possibly can and my target will be the most innocent thing I can imagine.” If you think no one has gone down that road, you have not come across stories of high school shootings for instance, or stories where a woman wakes up one day and stabs her partner to death. The hole of resentment can suck one into doing terrible, horrible, and dark things.

It is worth repeating: If you are resentful, you are either immature and have to grow up and take responsibility, or you have something to say or do that you are not saying or doing. If you say or do what you have to say or do, you might get into trouble but it will only be for the short term.

Maybe your friend puts you down in public. He did not show you respect. Respect is beneficial for any relationship. It helps in maintaining it over time. It is good for both of you. But maybe you have taken a shot from your friend in public and you are angry about it but you do not acknowledge it because you want to believe that you are better than you are, thinking to yourself, “That sort of thing does not upset me.” Hence you do not say or do anything about it. The problem with that is that you end up not fixing what should be fixed and that is a mistake on your part. It may be better to say something like this respectfully to your friend, “Out there earlier today you said something I consider to be disrespectful in public which I do not think is appropriate. Now, I might be immature, hypersensitive, or even touchy, but what I actually think is that you are playing a power game. I think we should have a discussion to figure out what really happened.” Now this sort of conversation is often messy and people run away from it. People do not like conflict and conversations like this can lead to conflict. But before you run away from such a conversation, consider that some things when not addressed get worse over time. That conversation can lead to a conflict only in the short term. If you do not have it, you end up with a worse fight in the future with your resentment building up. As paradoxical as it may sound, a conflict can help prevent things from getting worse or even put things in order. It can produce genuine peace not the shaky sort of seeming peace that sweeping things under the carpet produce.

Pay attention to your negative emotion and if it is resentment consult it.

Your resentment contains a revelation.

A

Who can help provide a response please?

Good day.

Please I want to go and pick up my INEC card. I was told by someone to go to the ward I filled in and not the place I did my my registration. The ward happens to be Oshodi/Isolo and I have tried to google out the address of INEC office in Oshodi/Isolo, and I have not seen an address.

Can someone help me with INEC address in Oshodi/Isolo and if possible, give direction for someone going to the office from Jakande Gate which is around Isolo axis.

Thank you.

Values Orient

Over twenty years ago, a cognitive psychologist, Daniel Simons, demonstrated that what you see depends on what you are aiming at. Simons got his research subjects to watch a video. In the video, there were two teams of three people each. One team was wearing white shirts and the other black. In the video, the six of them were not off in the distance. One could see their facial features. Each team had its own ball which they bounced or threw to other members of their team as they moved within the small space they were playing the game. Simons showed this video to his study participants and asked each of them to count the number of times the white shirt team threw the ball back and forth to one another. After some minutes, the participants were asked to report the number of passes. Most of them answered "15." They were right. They passed the test! But then Simons asked, "Did you see the gorilla?" What gorilla? He said to them, "Watch the video again. But this time, don't count." They watched and saw that about a minute into the video, a man dressed in a gorilla suit came right into the middle of the game for a few seconds, stops, and beats his chest like a gorilla before leaving. It happened right there in the middle of the screen but about 50% of his research subjects failed to see the gorilla initially.

Dr. Simons conducted another study which was even more surprising. He showed his participants a video of someone being served at a counter. The server goes down behind the counter to retrieve something and comes back up. Most of his participants did not detect anything unusual. But the person who came back up was different from the person who went down behind the counter. What!

Why did many participants in these studies fail to detect the unusual? It was because they were aiming at something and blind to everything else.

The world is complex. So is your world. The complexity is overwhelming. You are not capable of concentrating on everything that is happening at the same time. What do you do? You concentrate minutely on one or two things that concerns you and you ignore everything else. This implies that you are mostly blind. You aim at something, you see very few things related to your aim and you are blind to virtually every other thing. This explains why if you were one of the participants in the studies conducted by Dr. Simons, you too could have missed the unusual. You see but what you see depends on what you are aiming at. Now let us go a step deeper. And we do that by asking, "If what I see depends on my aim, then what is my aim dependent upon?"

Let's say you have a desire, you want something. You focus on getting what you want. The price you pay for this focus is your ignoring of a host of other things, being blind to them. This blindness does not matter if you are getting what you want and things are going well for you. But if things are not going well for you and you are not getting what you want, you have a problem. If the problem persists you may end up in crisis.

If things are going well for you, you can afford to ignore everything else that is not your aim. But if things are not going well for you, then what you ignore, what you are blind to constitutes a problem in and of itself. This problem however is not a hopeless one. Paradoxically, the problem contains within it a seed of its own solution. You are aiming at something and blind to everything else yet things are not going well. There is a high possibility that among the host of things you are blind to is something or even a couple of things that can alleviate or even solve the problem you have. This means that you may have to change your focus. To see something different you have to aim at something else. But we still have the question, "What is your aim dependent upon?" Your aim is dependent on your values. What you value determines what you aim at. So we can say that what you see depends on what you value.

It is possible that you are blind to what would be of help to you. In fact a solution you need might be right in front of your eyes but just like the particpants in Dr. Simons study, you don't see it. You don't see it partly because you do not have the corresponding values that would evoke an aim related to it. Your values are your set of tools with which you screen most things out and let a few things in. They have become habitual with you. They constitute what builds you for good or for ill. Indeed they orient you in the world. These values are deep within you hence you may be unconscious of them. Knowing how important your values are, you may want to become conscious of them by asking, "What are my values?" The wrong set of values will lead you down the wrong path. It may be time for you to allow your old set of values to die if they are not helping you on your journey upwards, and allow new ones to be born.

Your problem may make you say, "Life sucks." Well, what can I say? Life is hard and I can agree that there are times when life seems to just suck. But before you proclaim, "Life sucks!" consider this: the problem may not be life. The problem may be you. The problem may be what you are ignoring or blind to. It may be your insufficient knowledge. Maybe it is your values.

Maybe what you desire as a result of your values is making you hold on to things so tightly that you cannot even see what you truly need.

A

1stbest:
The minimum amount is $50 dollar, for the first transaction, after that you can transfer lesser amount,


Add your local bank account and make the transfer, or connect it with your Transferwise account.


If you like let them scam you

This response does not answer my question. I don't think you understood me.

The previous two responders answered me.

Thank you for your responses.

They help.

I am aware that one can transfer money from his Payoneer account directly to another person's Payoneer account without any fee. Payoneer says so.

But I have been trying to tranfer from my Payoneer account to another Payoneer account but I keep getting this message saying something like I have to get additional payment. So my guess is that I have not gotten the minimum amount into my Payoneer account to enable me make a Payoneer to Payoneer transfer.

If you use Payoneer and you know of the minimum amount I should have before I can make Payoneer to Payoneer transfer please let me know.

A

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A

We use our eyes to see. Our eyes are constantly pointing at the things we are interested in, approaching, looking for, or investigating. I have heard a highly intelligent person say that the purpose of the black in the white of ours is for people to see what we are aiming at. Someone without the black in the eye is not likely to see and he who can’t see is more likely to get killed. We want to see. We have to see. We must see but to see we must aim. Hence, know it or not, we are always aiming.

Our bodies are adapted to hunting and gathering and our minds are built on this hunting and gathering platform. What is to hunt? To specify a target, track it, and throw at it. When we hit the target, we succeed, we score a goal. When we fail to hit the target, we miss the mark. We sin. If you go back to the Greek root of the word “sin” it actually means “to miss the mark.” I don’t want to dwell on “sin” now, let me go back to what I was talking about – the eyes for aiming.

We are navigating our way through this journey we call life. We must always navigate but can’t do that if we have nothing we are aiming at. Say you are at point “A” moving towards point “B.” This means that point “B” is more desirable than point “A.” You deem “B” better according to your values. In this world we are always somehow in a state of insufficiency and we are seeking to rectify to this insufficiency. Even if you have everything you think you need, you imagine new ways things could be rearranged or improved. Hence even when satisfied you are curious. We are living within a design that constantly sees the present as lacking and the future as better. I think this design is good for us. Why? We are motivated to act precisely because we see the future as being better than the present. If this were not so we will not be able to focus on anything. If we can’t focus we can’t see.

But we do see. We do not only see the things that are there, we see things that are not there. We can visualize how things could be constructed or rearranged so things could be better. The advantage this ability to see things that aren’t there has is that we can rectify the intolerable state of the present in the future. We can change the world for better. The disadvantage is that we are always in a state of discomfort or unease to some degree. This is the result of always contrasting what is to what could be.

We aim but we can aim too high or too low. If we aim too high we set ourselves up for disappointment. If we aim to low we do not actualize much of our potential. Apart from aiming too high or too low, we can aim too chaotically especially when we are not well integrated within. She may appear to be living well to others but if she is aiming too chaotically, she is living in disappointment.

How can we benefit from our ability to contrast what is and what could be without perpetually living in disappointment? The first step is to take stock of your faults. What do you need to fix in yourself? If your phone with which you are reading this post is malfunctioning, you are going to take it to someone who will inspect it and diagnose its fault. If he ends up repairing your phone you are going to pay him. Part of what you are paying him for is his ability to find out and tell you the bad news of what is wrong with your phone. If your phone is broken, you want to know how it is broken. If you don’t know it is broken, you cannot fix it.
In one way, shape, or form, we are all broken. So we need to take stock to find out how it is we are broken. You need an inspector for this diagnosis. And you have one – your internal critic. Your internal critic can satisfactorily play the role of an inspector if you can get it to cooperate. But you must be ready for the bad news. You must be ready to walk through yourself psychologically and listen to what your internal critic has to say. People run away from listening to their internal critic because they feel they will be demoralized and crushed by the bad news they will get. Maybe. But if anything in you will be crushed, it will be that which needs to be crushed.

To renovate a house you must be ready for the bad news of the structural deficiencies. To get yourself in order you must be ready for the crushing, lengthy and painful report of your inadequacies. Why is this important? Because to properly fix what is broken, you have to know precisely how it is broken. If you can fix what needs to be fixed within you then you would have cleared out what needs to be cleared. And if you clear out what needs to be cleared out, you would see clearer what you should be aiming at. And if you are pursuing what you should be aiming at, you would experience more positive emotions. More positive emotions means that you are getting some things right.

And if you get a couple of things right your life would at least improve.

All that matters, from a Darwinian perspective, is permanence—and the dominance hierarchy, however social or cultural it might appear, has been around for some half a billion years. It’s permanent. It’s real. The dominance hierarchy is not capitalism. It’s not communism, either, for that matter. It’s not the military-industrial complex. It’s not the patriarchy—that disposable, malleable, arbitrary cultural artefact. It’s not
even a human creation; not in the most profound sense. It is instead a near eternal aspect of the environment, and much of what is blamed on these more ephemeral manifestations is a consequence of its unchanging existence. We (the sovereign we, the we that has been around since the beginning of life) have lived in a dominance hierarchy for a long, long time. We were struggling for position before we had skin, or hands, or lungs, or bones. There is little more natural than culture. Dominance hierarchies are older than trees. The part of our brain that keeps track of our position in the dominance hierarchy is therefore exceptionally ancient and fundamental. It is a master control system, modulating our perceptions, values, emotions, thoughts and actions. It powerfully affects every aspect of our Being, conscious and
unconscious alike. This is why, when we are defeated, we act very much like lobsters who have lost a fight. Our posture droops. We face the ground. We feel threatened, hurt, anxious and weak. If things do not improve, we become chronically depressed. Under such conditions, we can’t easily put up the kind of fight that life demands, and we become easy targets for harder-shelled bullies. And it is not only the behavioural and experiential similarities that are striking. Much of the basic neurochemistry is the same.

Consider serotonin, the chemical that governs posture and escape in the lobster. Low-ranking lobsters produce comparatively low levels of serotonin. This is also true of low-ranking human beings (and those low levels decrease more with each defeat). Low serotonin means decreased confidence. Low serotonin means more response to stress and costlier physical preparedness for emergency—as anything whatsoever may happen, at any time, at the bottom of the dominance hierarchy (and rarely something good). Low serotonin means less happiness, more pain and anxiety, more illness, and a shorter lifespan—among humans, just as among crustaceans. Higher spots in the dominance hierarchy, and the higher serotonin levels typical of those who inhabit them, are characterized by less illness, misery and death, even when factors such as absolute income—or number of decaying food scraps—are held constant. The importance of this can hardly be overstated.

Culled from 12 Rules For Life by Jordan Peterson

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Consider life as a game for a moment. Are you a success or failure at this game called life? Well, there is a problem with that question. The words “success” and “failure” are just too black and white words. It assumes that you are either a success, a singular, comprehensive good thing or a failure, a singular, comprehensive, irredeemable bad thing. The question implies there is no in-between between success and failure. But we are complex beings living in a complex world. To generalize people as success or failure is a sign of naïve, unsophisticated or evil analysis. There are significant degrees and gradations of value wiped out by this success or failure binary system. The outcome is not good.

Life, considered as a game, is made up of many games not one. That means there are many games at which to succeed or fail. You should play games that match your talents and capacities, games that involve you productively and tend to make your life and that of others better. Engineering is a game as well as medicine, law, administration, teaching, plumbing, carpentry. There is no one way of being in the world. There are multiple ways. If you don’t succeed at a game there are many other games to play. Choose a game that aligns with your strengths, weaknesses and situation. If changing games does not seem to be working for you, you may have to invent a new one.

You simply don’t just play one game. You have a job, family, business, friends, associations you belong to, athletic pursuits, and personal projects. Are you a success or failure? Wrong question. You may want to consider judging your success across the multiple games you play.

The specifics of the multiple games you are playing are unique to you. They are so individual to you that comparing yourself to other people does not help you. You compare yourself to your secondary school classmate. He presently has a career whose pay package is significantly more than yours. You have a job that pays less. His wife is having an affair but your marriage is stable and happy. Who has it better? You admire that celebrity who is a drug addict but you are not. Are you sure you want his life? Maybe you undervalue what you have and overvalue what you don’t. Be grateful for what you have. There is real utility in gratitude. It protects you from being resentful.

We all have an internal critic. There are times that critic stops you from acting stupid or dragging yourself to hell. But sometimes that critic can be too critical and this can put you down. In comparing yourself to others in an unfavorable manner, the internal critic is going too far. I have mentioned that we are all playing multiple games in life but your internal critic may select a single game as a domain of comparison. Let’s say it selects the domain of football. When it does that, it acts as if that is the only relevant domain. It goes ahead to compare you to someone who is a superstar in that domain, say Messi. Comparing yourself to Messi in football is a setup that guarantees pain and sorrow for you when you consider football as the only relevant thing. After seeing the unbridgeable gap between you and Messi, you use it as evidence for how life is unfair and how much injustice there is. If you accept this form of self-evaluation you are making things too difficult for yourself.

We started comparing ourselves to others when we were very young. Standards are necessary and maybe that is why we had to do that. We needed to be informed and gain wisdom. That is how we develop our own standards. It is with standards that we give ourselves direction. As we mature, we become more unique and individual. This is as a result of the conditions of our lives which become less comparable to others and more personal.

Each of us is playing a unique set of games. You are good at some games, not that good at some, and terrible at others. Maybe it should be this way. You may not agree because you want to win at every game. But if you are winning at every game it means you are not doing anything difficult or new. You may be winning but not growing. Growing is the greatest form of winning.
Stop comparing yourself to who someone else is today. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday. If you are getting better at a game or a set of games, you are growing.

If you are growing you are winning.

Life, considered as a game, is made up of many games not one. That means there are many games at which to succeed or fail. You should play games that match your talents and capacities, games that involve you productively and tend to make your life and that of others better. Engineering is a game as well as medicine, law, administration, teaching, plumbing, carpentry. There is no one way of being in the world. There are multiple ways. If you don’t succeed at a game there are many other games to play. Choose a game that aligns with your strengths, weaknesses and situation. If changing games does not seem to be working for you, you may have to invent a new one.

Consider life as a game for a moment. Are you a success or failure at this game called life? Well, there is a problem with that question. The words “success” and “failure” are just too black and white words. It assumes that you are either a success, a singular, comprehensive good thing or a failure, a singular, comprehensive, irredeemable bad thing. The question implies there is no in-between between success and failure. But we are complex beings living in a complex world. To generalize people as success or failure is a sign of naïve, unsophisticated or evil analysis. There are significant degrees and gradations of value wiped out by this success or failure binary system. The outcome is not good.

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Is she your friend? Yes? Let us see. Would you recommend her friendship to your sister, brother, mother or daughter? If you won’t then why do you have such a friend? You may say it is because you care but being caring is not the same as being foolish. In friendship there should be a fair negotiation where there is reciprocity. You are not in any way morally obliged to make friends with someone who is not making her life better. If she is not making her life better, she is making the world a worse place. Why in the world would you support such a person?

You want friends but you should choose people who want things to be better not worse as friends. Better for themselves, better for you, better for the world. Your friends should improve if you improve and vice versa. One good thing about being in friendship with people who want what is truly good for you is that they will not tolerate you destroying yourself. They encourage you when you are aiming upwards and chastise you when your aim is downwards. If you resolve to improve yourself, they will give you support. Those who surround you but are not true friends will help you aim downwards. They will praise you when you are aiming down and punish you when you are aiming up. They are the ones that will push you to gratify your impulsive pleasures to your detriment. They are ready to offer a recovering alcoholic alcohol.

How is she your friend if she does not bring any value in any way your way? When you do something and succeed at it, she is jealous. When you speak of your achievement, she tries to steal your joy by bringing up - or cooking up - her past actions so that your achievement experiences a sunset. She is dragging you down. Why? Because your improvement shines a bright light on her fault. Your improvement is judging her and she does not want that. She may even hate you for improving.

In the book of Genesis, the story of Cain and Abel is told. Abel brought his best as an offering to God while Cain did not bring his best. Abel’s sacrifice was accepted and God looked with favour on him. But God did not look with favour on Cain and his sacrifice. Cain became angry. “Why are you angry?” God asked Cain. “If you are doing what is right, you should hold your head high. But if you are not, sin is crouching at the door hungry to get at you. You can still master him.” We know the rest of the story – Cain’s anger leads him to kill Abel.

Why did Cain murder Abel? Abel did what is right and his action shone a bright light on Cain’s improper conduct. Abel was exemplary to Cain. An exemplary conduct is a judge. It judges her who does not act properly. Cain felt this judgement which should have pointed his aim up. Abel’s action was screaming at Cain, “You can be better than this.” Cain however descended to committing murder.

When you aim up, the inadequacy of the present becomes clearer to you and you can see the promise of the future. By doing that you disturb those who are cynical and whose inaction or lack of improvement is unjustifiable. You are their Abel. You should therefore be careful about making them your friend. How can they be your friend when your exemplary conduct is a continuous reminder of their irresponsibility and hence tortures them? Now you know why they are trying to bring you down. Be careful about making friends with them because the spirit of Cain may be operating in them.

It is stupid to surround yourself with people who are simply not good for you, people who are not helping you to at least aim up. But it is not easy to surround yourself with good healthy people. A good person is an ideal and an ideal is always judging. When you stand alongside that good person, you are reminded of your misconduct. Have some humility and accept your sin. Then muster some courage and act right after you must have used your judgement.

For your own good make friends with those who want what is good for you.

You want friends but you should choose people who want things to be better not worse as friends. Better for themselves, better for you, better for the world. Your friends should improve if you improve and vice versa. One good thing about being in friendship with people who want what is truly good for you is that they will not tolerate you destroying yourself. They encourage you when you are aiming upwards and chastise you when your aim is downwards. If you resolve to improve yourself, they will give you support. Those who surround you but are not true friends will help you aim downwards. They will praise you when you are aiming down and punish you when you are aiming up. They are the ones that will push you to gratify your impulsive pleasures to your detriment. They are ready to offer a recovering alcoholic alcohol.

Is she your friend? Yes? Let us see. Would you recommend her friendship to your sister, brother, mother or daughter? If you won’t then why do you have such a friend? You may say it is because you care but being caring is not the same as being foolish. In friendship there should be a fair negotiation where there is reciprocity. You are not in any way morally obliged to make friends with someone who is not making her life better. If she is not making her life better, she is making the world a worse place. Why in the world would you support such a person?

Join my Telegram public channel, Integral Value, for more meaningful and valuable content. Go to Telegram and search for Integral Value. It is the channel with the image on the first post of this thread.

A

If someone is really in need and you are capable of helping, it doesn’t have to be said that you ought to help. Having said that, there are people who pretend that they are helping someone when the person they are claiming to help is not even genuinely interested in overcoming his situation.

Are you planning to help someone? Do you truly want to rescue him? You may be associating with people who are failing because you are running away from shouldering responsibility which is difficult. Pretending to offer help to someone who does not want help is easier. Before you help him, find out why the person got into trouble in the first place. Don’t just assume that the person is a victim of unjust circumstance or is being exploited. If you assume that, implicit in that assumption is that the person has no personal responsibility in his circumstance. If he assumes no personal responsibility where then is his power to change the circumstance? It is more likely that the individual has rejected the improvement of his circumstance because of the difficulty.

You may decide to remain in your suffering so as to lay claim to my resources and try to postpone your inevitable doom. Maybe you are using your misery to place a demand on me so that I also fail. The gap between us is much now and it is painful to you. If I fail, the gap is reduced. Maybe you are playing a game where you are sinking and you want me to sink with you. Or maybe I am pretending to be responsible in trying to pointlessly help you.

If you are in misery check if you harbor hate. In your hatred you may have weaponized your misery which you display to those who are on an upward path while you wasted time and sank. Maybe you are using your misery as an attempt to prove the injustice of the world instead of seeing where you failed to take responsibility and conduct yourself properly. Maybe you are willing to suffer.

What has to happen for you to fail? You have to cultivate a few bad habits. Things start to degenerate and it is only a matter of time before the flood comes. There is hope for someone who is in trouble to overcome his situation however the lower the person goes the more difficult the redemption. Before helping you, I want to be sure that you want to be helped. Going for therapy will not even help you if you do not genuinely desire to improve your situation. Therapists know this. It is very difficult for me to convince you into changing for the better. If you want progress there is a precondition: You must desire to improve.

I don’t want to stay in an unhealthy relationship with you. If I do so then maybe I am too weak-willed but I don’t want to know this. So I play the game of pretending to help you so I can look good to myself and sense my virtue. How can I be bad if I am willing to help? It might be that I am pretending to solve a problem instead of addressing a real problem I have. Maybe instead of continuing my relationship with you I should just go to somewhere to get my act together and lead by example.

It is better that one individual is suffering instead of two. I don’t want to go into that chasm with you if you are not willing to come out. If you truly desire help, I want to help but if not, I want to have a distance between us. Maybe when the pain becomes unbearable for you and I am not serving as a cushion for it, you would have the motivation you need to genuinely seek improvement.

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You may decide to remain in your suffering so as to lay claim to my resources and try to postpone your inevitable doom. Maybe you are using your misery to place a demand on me so that I also fail. The gap between us is much now and it is painful to you. If I fail, the gap is reduced. Maybe you are playing a game where you are sinking and you want me to sink with you. Or maybe I am pretending to be responsible in trying to pointlessly help you.

Are you planning to help someone? Do you truly want to rescue him? You may be associating with people who are failing because you are running away from shouldering responsibility which is difficult. Pretending to offer help to someone who does not want help is easier. Before you help him, find out why the person got into trouble in the first place. Don’t just assume that the person is a victim of unjust circumstance or is being exploited. If you assume that, implicit in that assumption is that the person has no personal responsibility in his circumstance. If he assumes no personal responsibility where then is his power to change the circumstance? It is more likely that the individual has rejected the improvement of his circumstance because of the difficulty.

If someone is really in need and you are capable of helping, it doesn’t have to be said that you ought to help. Having said that, there are people who pretend that they are helping someone when the person they are claiming to help is not even genuinely interested in overcoming his situation.

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People choose their friends. Some choose friends who are good for them, who want what is good or even best for them. Some choose friends who are not just good for them.

Why would someone choose friends who are not good for oneself? Sometimes it is because the person wants to rescue someone. This is more typical of young people even though you can still find it among older people who are either naïve, willfully blind, or too agreeable. You might ask, “What is wrong in trying to bring out the best in people?” Nothing is actually wrong with that. However, it is not everyone who is failing that is a victim and definitely not everyone who is at the bottom that truly wants to rise. People suffer and people accept their suffering. There are however people who worsen their suffering and that of others. They sometimes don’t stop there. They move on to brandish their suffering as evidence of the injustice in the world – the suffering they have largely contributed to in creating. And among the suffering people who are at or close to the bottom in the society, you find oppressors. It is the unspoken wish of some of them to be tyrants. Many people criticizing successive presidents of states will end up creating hell in the society if given the opportunity to lead.

You may know of someone who is not doing well and needs help. That person may even want help. But don’t be sure you can distinguish between someone who truly wants help and someone who intends to exploit a willing helper. This distinction is not easy to see even for the person who wants the help and possibly exploiting. She may have tried and failed again and again – and that is not necessarily her fault - but don’t be so sure that her trying was authentic. Why? She tried and failed again and again. And then comes her hero – you – who wants to rescue her. You may be attempting to rescue her because you are naïve and your naivete is fuelled with vanity and possibly narcissism. Why are you vainly, not genuinely, trying to help her? Because your wanting to help her inflates your sense of self-importance. That is not the mark of a hero. You may object by saying that Christ helped and even befriended sinners – prostitutes and tax-collectors. What is wrong in having the motive to help? Christ is the archetypal man. He is perfect in all ramification. You are – to put it nicely – imperfect, although “horrible” may be the better word. It is good to want to be like Christ but have it in your mind that you are not Christ. How sure are you that your attempts to pull someone up will not bring her or both of you further down? Moving down is a lot easier than moving up.

Imagine a team comprised of responsible civilized people who are working together in unity. The team is stable and progressively moving forward. Get a delinquent person and place her in their midst. What is likely to happen over time? The delinquent person does not straighten up and act right. The entire team degenerates. It is the delinquency not the stability that spreads.

Ask yourself, “Why am I trying to save her?” and really reflect about it. Maybe you truly want to do the right thing by saving her because you are psychologically, financially, and spiritually strong. However it is also possible that you want to draw attention to yourself in your vain attempt that looks like help. Or are you trying to save her because your sinful self appears virtuous when you place yourself side by side with an irresponsible person? Her prostitution makes your cheating appear trivial.

It is easier to do the easier thing than to do the more difficult thing. You may be doing the easier thing. It is difficult to get yourself or someone else up. So your action may appear like an effort but may not actually be. Real improvement requires much sacrifice from you or her or both of you. She may be pointlessly moving along and worsening her suffering because that is easier for her than to shoulder responsibility.

Ensure that in trying to help you are not enabling a delusion. There are situations where contempt rather than pity is proper.

Ask yourself, “Why am I trying to save her?” and really reflect about it. Maybe you truly want to do the right thing by saving her because you are psychologically, financially, and spiritually strong. However it is also possible that you want to draw attention to yourself in your vain attempt that looks like help. Or are you trying to save her because your sinful self appears virtuous when you place yourself side by side with an irresponsible person? Her prostitution makes your cheating appear trivial.

Imagine a team comprised of responsible civilized people who are working together in unity. The team is stable and progressively moving forward. Get a delinquent person and place her in their midst. What is likely to happen over time? The delinquent person does not straighten up and act right. The entire team degenerates. It is the delinquency not the stability that spreads.

You may know of someone who is not doing well and needs help. That person may even want help. But don’t be sure you can distinguish between someone who truly wants help and someone who intends to exploit a willing helper. This distinction is not easy to see even for the person who wants the help and possibly exploiting. She may have genuinely tried and failed again and again – and that is not necessarily her fault - but don’t be so sure that her trying was authentic. Why? She tried and failed again and again. And then comes her hero – you – who wants to rescue her. You may be attempting to rescue her because you are naïve and your naivete is fuelled with vanity and possibly narcissism. Why are you vainly, not genuinely, trying to help her? Because your wanting to help her inflates your sense of self-importance. That is not the mark of a hero. You may object by saying that Christ helped and even befriended sinners – prostitutes and tax-collectors. What is wrong in having the motive to help? Christ is the archetypal man. He is perfect in all ramification. You are – to put it nicely – imperfect, although “horrible” may be the better word. It is good to want to be like Christ but have it in your mind that you are not Christ. How sure are you that your attempts to pull someone up will not bring her or both of you further down? Moving down is a lot easier than moving up.