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The mind is very powerful. However the mind is a tool, an instrument. It is a tool that should be used when necessary and left when not needed. But the mind is the master of many people. It runs many people’s lives. It has become the master and they are mind-possessed. The mind then uses time to wield its power and dominate them. The mind is so powerful that if you fail to use it creatively, it will creatively sabotage you.
The power of the mind comes from you. When you are unconscious, you give attention to your thought which is the product of your mind. A thought that started out as little, used a subtle means to get your attention. It then grew bigger and bigger and has resulted to your pain. You may not be aware of it but you create your own pain.
When you are in pain, when you suffer, you are in resistance; you are resisting what is. You are unconscious, therefore, you are not aware of this. The more identified you are with your mind, the greater the degree of resistance you have for what is, and the greater the intensity of your pain. Understand the egoic mind: it is always seeking to deny the present moment and escape from it. It accomplishes this through the use of time – past and future.
To be free of pain or suffering, you have to be free of the egoic mind. To be free of the mind, you have to be present in the Now. The mind keeps resisting the Now because it perceives the Now as threatening. It uses time – past and future – to remain in control. In fact, time and mind are inseparable. But the Now is timeless. Be still and be in the moment. In the very moment that you are, time does not exist. Your mind does not run your life in the present moment if you are conscious.
The mind is a tool which we need in this world. Time is also necessary for us to function in this world. But the point where the mind and time takes over our lives is where pain and suffering come in.
The mind keeps trying to flee the Now into the past or future. It runs to the past and asks, “What could I have done differently?” It flies to the future and asks, “What can go wrong?” This is how we are dominated by regret, fear, worry, anxiety, and other forms of pain. What the mind is doing then is covering up the present moment with time – past and present. When it succeeds in doing this, your true nature becomes obscured by your mind. You are unconscious, not connected to who you are, not connected to your Being.
How do you stop creating pain for yourself? By making the present moment the primary focus of your life. Use the mind and time when necessary in dealing with the practical aspects of your life situation and when you are done, be present in the moment. In the Now, you neither have past nor future. What you have is the present moment. You experienced the past in the Now and when the future comes, it will come as Now. All you ever have therefore is Now. This is a fact.
You may say that the present moment is unpleasant. But is it? The present moment is what it is. It is as it is. But your mind, conditioned by the past and in judgment of the present moment, has labeled it unacceptable and unpleasant and this is causing you unhappiness. Do not resist the Now. Allow the Now to be. Then watch your mind in action, be the observer of your mind. Bring consciousness to the activity of your mind. Be present. Your consciousness implies acceptance of the Now. And when you are present in the moment, time ceases, your mind therefore loses power and you are free from its mechanics, hence, free from pain.
Do not resist the present moment for if you do your life situation remains the same if not worse. What you resist persists. Accept the present moment and then act. Your action then will have power which goes to change the situation you consider undesirable. Do not fight or work against the present moment. Rather, work with it. When you make the present moment your friend and work with it, you begin the transformation of your life.
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Billy Miske was…a fighter from the old school, and a good one at that. He fought men like Tommy Gibbons, Harry Greb, and Battling Levinsky. He also fought Jack Dempsey for the heavyweight championship of the world. At 25, when he should have been at his peak and headed for even greater heights, he was hospitalized with a serious illness. The doctors told him to quit the ring. He should have, but fighting was the only thing he could do. By the time he was 29, his kidneys were shot. He knew he was dying of Bright’s disease and he had only one fight that year. Too weak to go to the gym to train, and too sick to seek any other job, he stayed at home with his family and watched his family’s finances reach desperate straits.
Christmas was around the corner and his love for his family cried out to him to provide that “Merry Christmas” for them. In November, Miske went into Minneapolis to see his friend and manager, Jack Reddy, to persuade him to arrange a fight. At first Reddy was adamant in his refusal. He knew of Miske’s condition and he would have no part in such a fight. Miske pleaded his case well, explained he was broke, and that he knew he wouldn’t be around much longer. He had to have just one more fight because Christmas was on its way and his family was in need. Finally, Reddy agreed… Miske knew he was too weak to get into shape, but promised he would make a good fight.
Against his better judgement, Reddy finally gave in and matched his old friend with Bill Brennan. The fight was slated to take place in Omaha, Nebraska. Brennan was a tough, hard fighter who had gone twelve rounds with Dempsey. He was past his prime, but he was still a formidable opponent for a dying man.
Since Miske didn’t have the stamina to train, he stayed at home to conserve his strength. He went to Omaha just in time for the fight. In those days, boxing commissions were considerably more lenient than they are today, so they passed Miske. The fight drew well and when it was over, Billy Miske picked up his $2,400 purse and went home to his family and Christmas. He spent it all on the things the family wanted and had been doing without. It was truly a happy occasion, the biggest Christmas the Miske family ever had. On December 26th, Miske called Jack Reddy to take him to Saint Paul Hospital where he died on New Year’s Day.¹

The story shows how Billy’s love for his family fired him up. Even though he was weak and dying, he tapped into his reserve for energy and with that he won the fight. His effort was unbelievable. Billy Miske, the dying man, actually knocked out Bill Brenan in four rounds.
You may have a problem that seems to immobilize you. You feel helpless and when you look into the future, you do not see hope. Now, there are electrochemical processes going on in your brain. In your thinking in which these processes take place, you are probably being negative and this may cause you to interpret your situation in a way that has no basis in reality. But there is another way to interpret your situation – the positive way. This involves you seeing your problem as something that challenges you in such a way that a better you is being called out to solve the problem. So, rather than being immobilized as a result of the problem, you should be fired up. Yes, I know that your problem is not trivial but you should never focus on it. Acknowledge your problem but focus on the solution. When you focus on the solution and begin to work at it, circumstances slowly but surely begin to change for the better. The person you become when you solve the problem will be a better person than you are presently when you are confronted with the problem.
Let your desire to win take over you. Let it make you call out your reserve. Let it make you give your all. In the end, your desire to win will be what will differentiate you, a champion, from an average performer.
Reference:
1. Zig Ziglar, 2000, See You at the Top, Pelican Publishing Company Inc., pp. 331-332.

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Has your neighbour played music so loud that your walls shake to the music? Have you encountered someone who talks so loud that you could hear her from another room? Have you heard things that should not have been said in the open? Hardly is anyone commenting on or complementing the rudeness that is overtaking the world.

Someone sits in front of you in the bus and spits every now and then. The window is open and the bus is speeding. So she spits and the wind carries the spittle and lands it on you. You go into an office and the person who should attend to you is on the phone. You try to be polite so you decide to wait until she finishes. But you learn that the person is making plans on how to spend the weekend on the phone with her friend and gossiping as well. You ignore the behaviour so that you can get on with your business but the next person who enters the office is greeted by the same behaviour. We hardly comment when confronted by such bad-mannered people. They deserve to be corrected even if it is through criticism. But who will criticize when you and I don’t?

Continue reading at http://growingthroughlife.com/good-manners-still-relevant/

The Latin verb ducere from which “to educate” comes from means “to guide.” The word is also related to educere, which means “drawing something forth.” The goal of education can be found in its’ etymology. Education is to guide the individual and draw out the best from him.

We are born totally dependent on the care of our parents. We come into the world with an inherent dignity and begin a journey to full perfection. The journey is all about development and that is what education brings to us.

The situation we have today in which many parents do not see themselves as the primary educators of their children is unfortunate. They see the school teacher and the church as the main educators. The consequence is the many ills we have in the society today. It is the duty and the right of parents to educate their children. They are indeed the first and principal educators of their children. This means that the family is the most important place for the growth and development of the child. A lot of parents are having the notion that their major obligation is only to provide the material needs of their children. They do this neglecting the child’s moral and intellectual formation. In the process the child is deformed and ends up without character. Every parent should work against this.

The educational role of parents is so important that a satisfactory substitute is almost impossible to provide. The parents’ duty and right to educate their children should never be appropriated. Neither can it be completely delegated to others. The ills we see in the society are calling for parents to reclaim and own their role as the primary educators of their children.

The church, the school, and other groups assist the parents in their duty to educate. Theirs is a help not a substitute. Both parents are to be active in their task and none should carry it out half-heartedly, or worse still, relinquish it. The sacrament of matrimony is such that God gives the grace to make up for the unavoidable absence of either of the spouses.

Our freedom is God-given. It should however be exercised with responsibility. Children should be educated about this. In doing that, parents should bear in mind that children learn more effectively by what they see and experience in the home than by what they are told. A worthy goal of their education is to balance discipline with freedom. Pope Benedict XVI said, “If no standard of behaviour and rule of life is applied even in small daily matters, the character is not formed and the person will not be ready to face the trials that will come in the future.” We know that intelligent and schooled individuals who abuse their freedom pose a menace to the society. Successful education should impart the right use of freedom. A child should be formed interiorly for the proper exercise of freedom. This strengthens his personality and makes him mature, secure, and free. He is enabled with the strength of character to go against the current when necessary.

Parents should also pass on their faith in God. Faith is a bond with God. The Christian life offers the path to happiness and frees us from the sadness of existing without God. It is by totally entrusting ourselves to God that we find true freedom.

The importance of parents properly educating their children cannot be overemphasized. When they fail in this responsibility of forming their children, others will do it. Children learn more than ever from the social media today. This should urge parents to teach good values fearlessly. For example, when parents insist on honesty and service leading with their example, a child learns that such values are not trivial matters. But when parents fail to insist on those values, the child will not take them seriously and may conclude that since his parents do not practice them, they belong to the past.

Bringing up a child properly formed is a supernatural task. With the grace of God, parents can do it successfully.

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Dear father, your child is watching you. He is observing everything. When what you say does not correspond to what you do, he does not have the reason to do what you say. It is what you do that sticks with him and that is what he will imitate. Do you live your life everyday knowing that your children are watching you and learning a lot from it?
They are picking up on the things you do and say which includes your mood in the house, the words you use, how you talk to mommy, how you are spending your time. You may not realize it but they are getting impressions of the world. Their actions will significantly depend on your actions. You are therefore a model to your child. You have a lot of power that will substantially contribute to who your child becomes. You are an example on how to live to him. Understand that and use that power for good.
As the father of the family, you are the protector, provider, leader, and teacher. What should not happen is you existing without your child having or feeling a father’s presence in her life. I have met ladies whose lives have been negatively affected mostly because they did not see a father in the man they call father. One of them told me about her father leaving her mother for another woman while she was at an early age. She experienced much hardship with her mother and siblings. From the story she told me, I discerned that she subliminally sought a father’s love in men. You can guess the result. At that point she was trying to pick up the pieces of her life in order to move forward but it was really a challenge for her. She looked at her life and did not see progress. She was working for someone then who sold fashion items. I do not remember the details but she was having serious problems in different areas of her life including her place of work. At that time, she was trying to get another job but she was told to give herself before the job would be hers.
She saw a priest who directed her to a group that would assist her financially to start up her own business in a small way. She really needed that at that point in her life. The next time I saw her, she was down. She expressed her dislike for her father who by this time occasionally called for money. She hated that she did not get the level of education she wanted. She regretted all the wrong guys she had dated. In fact, her life made no meaning to her then. I just sat there silent but listening to her. “I know you may be wondering why I am telling you all these,” she said to me, “I do not know but you seem like somebody I can tell. You may even be wondering whether all what I am telling you is true…I am not progressing.” She brought out her phone and showed me her post on social media that day. It was something like this:
At age xx, I have not achieved anything. I do not have a good education, I do not have a good job, I am not married, I do not even have an accommodation of my own. Nothing is working for me…My life makes no meaning…
I did not know it then but I know now that her thoughts were gravitating towards suicide. I tried to encourage her at this point but I am not sure of the effect of my encouragement. She was just tired of everything, overwhelmed and appeared hopeless. If her father had actually been a father, that young woman’s life would most likely have been different.
Dear father, be there for your children and be intentional about the example you set. Life happens but don’t just say that. Have a purpose as regards the upbringing of your children. You need to do things that demonstrate virtues and character. In doing this, you will be doing something good for your children which you may not fully realize today.
Fatherhood is not just about the ability to fertilize an egg. It is a privilege and a responsibility. It is the wise father who knows that his child is watching him that carefully considers the example he is setting. It is the height of irresponsibility to leave parenting to chance. What good qualities would you like your child to have? Model them and see your child imitate you. You are a father and the best way for you to teach is by example.
www.growingthroughlife.com

Most of those who are now preparing to get married are very busy preparing for the wedding. They are planning the fancy ceremony, thinking of the white dress to get, and pondering on whose car(s) to use. As beautiful as the wedding might turn out to be, marriage has little to do with it. In marriage, two flawed individuals come together to give themselves to each other by saying, “I do.” The real vocation of marriage is played out in the everyday faithfulness of these two flawed individuals who will keep saying “I do” every day to each other for the rest of their lives. But are they conscious of this very fact?
Before marriage one goes into a relationship. It happens that before marriage, individuals have choices on whom to go into marriage with. When the choice is made, a commitment should naturally follow it. Commitment is a choice to give up choices. Yes, it sounds limiting but commitment brings great freedom and depth. The person who has committed no longer has the burden of trying to figure out which person will bring more happiness. Once committed, all of one’s energy goes into making the relationship work. Before commitment, there were other possibilities, but after commitment, those other possibilities become distractions and they are shut off. Commitment means you promise to stay and make it work today, tomorrow, till death do you part.
According to a 2013 Child Trends international report: “Dramatic increases in cohabitation, divorce, and nonmarital childbearing in the Americas, Europe, and Oceania over the last four decades suggest that the institution of marriage is much less relevant in these parts of the world.” In the United States, where statistics exist, the marriage rate is the lowest ever recorded and unmarried cohabitation is rapidly becoming an acceptable alternative to marriage. More than half of births to women under age 30 now occur outside marriage. Among existing marriages, many are weak. It has been projected that between forty and fifty percent of all first marriages in the United States will end in divorce. Research suggests that the reason for this is not low marital quality, but weak commitment.
Many people are reluctant to commit. Reluctance to make a clear choice can lead to a relationship that fails to build lasting love. In a bid not to commit but to continue with the relationship, partners make all kinds of changes in their relationship which includes living together, having sex, changing sex positions, having children. This is how they “slide” into marriage without the decision to go into marriage. After sliding into marriage, they slide into having more children without deciding to be the best parents they can be.
Why then do couples fear commitment?
Continue reading: http://growingthroughlife.com/commitment-the-primary-need-of-your-marriage/

Our society has formulated an equation:
Plenty Money = Happiness
That is a fallacy. But many people believe it and as they continue existing with the idea, they wonder why happiness keeps eluding them regardless of the amount of money they have. Consider the story of the rich female Italian billionaire who shot herself in the head with a pistol. The suicide note the she left the world was “I wish I was not so rich.”
Many people rather than seeing money as a means to an end see it as an end in itself. A young man got tired of struggling and decided to get wealthy at all cost. He met a juju man whom he told of his desire to be rich. The juju man brought a fowl that looked weak and threw grains of corn on the floor. The fowl was only able to eat two grains. It was after this that the juju man told the young man that he would indeed make him rich but he would only live for two years with his wealth. The young man agreed. He entered into a covenant with the devil with his eyes wide open. He eventually became rich and had great possessions. But two years passed in the twinkle of an eye and it was time to give his life as agreed. Strange people started coming to him for his life.
Continue reading: http://growingthroughlife.com/wealth-obsession/

Find out why death is a painful experience: http://growingthroughlife.com/the-pain-of-death/

Where do I start when I can find nothing to compare to it? How do you describe it? It numbs you to the point of seeing meaninglessness in life. Oh, how great the loss – the loss of the child!

Whether the child died at infancy, was knocked down by a vehicle, or died due to an illness, it just does not make sense to the grieving parent. The grief is overwhelming. The parent may have been able to prepare for a disaster of a different kind, but for this very one, there is nothing to prepare him for the enormity of the devastation. The grief affects the spirit and the heart, changing in intensity and expression but never ending. That child will never be forgotten.

The death of a child brings confusion. It leaves the parent with a sense of despair. The drive to continue with daily activities is no more there, in fact, life is not worth living. The intensity of the pain changes with time but at the moment, the parent is not sure that he will survive. Some bereaved parents feel that there is something wrong in continuing to live when their child is dead, hence, the will to continue living wanes. Some find it difficult to live with themselves because they believe they have failed in parenting and somehow they should have found a way to prevent the death of the child. The death often affects the personal health of the parent, the marriage, the family, and plans for the future.

There is no one way of grieving neither is there a specified time for it. Parents grieve in their own way as long as they may want only that the grief should not be allowed to interfere with their health. Inasmuch as the parent experienced a loss, he himself is not lost. He needs to pay attention to his health or maybe someone else should.

As important as grieving is to the parent, it should be a journey to healing and healing does not mean forgetting. A grieving parent should be good enough to himself to let grief loosen its grip on him when the time comes to do so. It will not be easy but to get on with life, this has to happen. However, it should be in the parent’s own way and in his time.

Sympathizers should know that sometimes they unintentionally hurt grieving parents. It hurts grieving parents to hear sympathizers imply that the death of their child is not as shattering as the parents believe it to be. “You should not worry; you will have more children,” or “You still have other children,” or “You can now focus on your other children,” are things that sympathizers should never say. They may want to minimize the pain by saying these but they do not help. Parents are grateful for their children and every one of them is unique. The presence of other children does not fill the void created by the death of one child. Parents do not divide their love among their children; their love is multiplied across their children.

The pain is real and if you believe that God loves that child more than you, you have a reason to absolve yourself from guilt. That is a good way to start the healing process.

www.growingthroughlife.com

The names in the stories presented are not the real names of the persons.

Kehinde was six years old when her neighbour’s male house help started abusing her sexually. It continued for two years until her family moved out of the compound. At their new place of residence, a female house help joined them. It was only a matter of months before the house help continued from where her former neighbour’s house help stopped. Until the female house help left, she kept abusing her. It lasted for one year. Kehinde was scared and she could not tell anyone. In the same house, two other people continued abusing her until three years later when the family moved to another state.

One day on her way to the saloon, a young man met her and after speaking with her, Kehinde followed him. Kehinde when recounting this particular incidence believed that she was not herself then. She thinks she was charmed. The young man led her to a building and even before they entered started touching her. He asked Kehinde to go into the building while he was at the entrance but she stood still. Her hands were behind her and she was holding the money she wanted to use at the saloon. After inquiring what it was Kehinde was holding behind her, he took the money from her and went inside. She ran away and called for help but nobody helped.

She got home to meet her parents who had already been to the saloon in search of her. They asked where she had been. With fear she told them the truth about what happened. The father asked that she be taken to the hospital while the mother wanted her to be taken to the church for deliverance. Nothing happened at last except that they blamed her.

Up till when she narrated this story, her parents were not aware of the years of sexual molestation she had gone through. Kehinde was having ‘A’s in school. She dressed well and attended church regularly. She was a child her parents could boast of in the presence of other parents. But her parents did not know the hurts and scars she has been living with for years. They only knew of the incidence of that day and blamed her. What would they have done if they knew that the same child was abused for years under their roof?

Ada was a child when a neighbour in the compound raped her for the first time. After raping her, he gave her biscuit which cost ten naira. The seventeen year old guy who raped her was a Sunday school teacher and he was called pastor. Maybe it was because he was a “pastor” with concern for the “welfare” of his prey that he gave her sliced bread when he raped her the second time.

Continue reading: http://growingthroughlife.com/sexual-abuse-victim-becomes-the-accused/

Goodness is not a creature. It is a quality or characteristic. But I put up the post not to argue. So, believe what you will. Peace.

There are no excuses for God here. If you learn about interpreting the bible, then you should know what is called exegesis and hermeneutics and I will give you an example. Deuteronomy 22:8 says, “When you build a house, put a parapet around the roof; otherwise, if someone falls off, you will bring bloodguilt upon your house.” Exegesis enables us to realize that the buildings back then usually had a flat roof. A parapet, a low protective wall built on the edge of the roof, was therefore for the purpose of preventing a fall. Hermeneutics hence will tell us that we do not have to literally follow this text because the kind of roof we have in our time is not flat. Back then people do sleep on the roof, today who does that? This is just an instance to show that it is not every sentence of the bible that we should literally take as God’s command to us here and now. I know that the house you live in today does not have a parapet even though you can see that God commanded such in the bible. To know about what I am talking about, you can read my post on it: http://growingthroughlife.com/how-well-do-you-interpret-the-bible/.
So, applying what I have said, the Isaiah 45:7 you quoted does not literally mean God creates evil. Rather it means he permits it and he permits it for a greater good. Remember that the old testament was written in Hebrew and when you translate it to another language, the translation will never be 100% perfect.
Evil is a lack of good and to suppose that God who is perfect will literally create good blasphemes God himself because God is goodness in perfection with no iota of evil and therefore can never intentionally create evil. Evil is darkness, God is light.
The bible is not a book for anyone to take one line and read and just talk about it anyhow. It must be studied and reflected upon for proper understanding. As imperfect as we are, we are reasonable enough to condemn stealing. Are you saying God created stealing?
Evil is morally bad and to say God creates it makes God evil. God cannot do that. It is impossible for God to create evil considering God's nature. Evil is not a thing; it is not a creature, therefore, it was not created by God.

People have often questioned God why there is so much evil in the world. Some even doubt God's existence due to the presence of evil. They ask, "How can such a good God we claim to exist see so much evil and do nothing about it?" Well, let me put it bluntly - that question shows ignorance.
There are two beings namely Creator and creatures. Needless to say, every creature was created by the Creator and this includes plants, animals, and man. Evil is not a thing, hence, evil is not a creature. This leads me to the first conclusion: GOD DID NOT CREATE EVIL.
Now, if God did not create evil, how come we have evil in the world? You see, evil is not a thing but it is real just as blindness is not a thing but it is real. Evil is a wrong choice or the consequence of a wrong choice. Let me bring it home. When some politicians decide to loot funds (wrong choice) which would have been used to serve the people, that is evil. When the effect of that becomes lack of power and infrastructure which negatively impacts the economy and brings hardship (consequence), that is also evil. You can see that God is not really the cause. God has been gracious enough to bless us with resources that will make this country great but man's selfishness is stopping that from being actualized. The resources that God has blessed the world with can satisfy every man but those resources cannot satisfy man's greed. So, the second conclusion: EVIL ORIGINATES FROM MAN'S ACTIONS.
But someone can still ask, "Is God not still the origin of evil since evil comes from man whom he has created?" I answer that by giving an instance. If you have an adult as a son and despite the good upbringing and advice you have given him, he goes ahead to commit murder, it will be ridiculous for anyone to blame you for your son's murder just because he is your son. Your son has freewill and when he misuses it, he should be blamed and also pay for that not you. So, blaming God for evil is completely silly. If we can properly connect cause and effect, we would see that even war is the consequence of man's wrong choice.
Another question, "Why don't God just end evil now as in now now so that the world will enjoy peace?" But do you really understand what that means? God had the option of creating us in such a way that we would be more or less robots who would take orders and fulfill them without reasoning. If we were such creatures, we would not have the capacity to experience joy and would not have intelligence. Now that is not a creature in the image and likeness of God. God created us and gave us freewill so that our actions can be carried out voluntarily and not under compulsion just as God carries out his actions voluntarily and not under compulsion. Since God decided to create us the way he did, you can bet your life on it that it is better than creating us to be like robots because all God's actions are for the highest good.
I see evil coming to an end in three ways. First, by God taking away our freewill so that we take orders from him. But this will mean that we would not be like God and is a lesser good than the way we are. So, scratch that. Second, by God destroying the source of evil at the point when it originates. If you understand all I have been saying so far you would see that not a single man has a chance if this were to be the case. Evil begins not when the action is carried out but at the conception of the thought. So imagine God destroying any man that has conceived an evil thought. Except you and I have not sinned, both of us would have been gone by now and we can be sure our destination would not have been heaven because at that state of departure, we would be in sin. This should lead you to understand that when God allows you to exercise your freewill even when you commit evil without destroying you, he wants you to come back to your senses and in afterlife enjoy the place he has made for you. So do not interpret God's patience as weakness. God is only being patient with the evil we carry out for our own salvation.
Third and the best way, evil can come to an end when we make the right choices.
Last question, "Why will God even permit evil when the consequence is devastating?" I answer this with what happened with the early Christians. They were converting men to a new way of life which was something good. But they were being persecuted which was evil. One of the consequence of the persecution was that many fled Jerusalem to other parts of the world. Guess what happened? As they fled to other parts of the world, they took the gospel with them and made converts in the cities they came to. This was something good and we are Christians today because they did that. So, my last conclusion: GOD PERMITS EVIL BECAUSE HE HAS THE POWER TO BRING GOOD EVEN OUT OF IT.
I decided to put up this post because many people are having problems with the whole idea of evil being in the world. I hope it helps.

www.growingthroughlife.com

Modesty is defined as the appearance or behaviour intended to avoid indecency or impropriety. In the bible, modesty does not seem to be mainly concerned with how much flesh is covered. Consider 1Timothy 2:9-10:
Women should adorn themselves with proper conduct, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hairstyles and gold ornaments, or pearls, or expensive clothes, but rather, as befits women who profess reverence for God, with good deeds.
Kosmios is the Greek word translated as “modesty” in the passage. It derives from kosmos (the universe) and signifies orderliness and appropriateness. The Greek word kosmios was used twice in the New Testament. In the second usage in 1Timothy 3:2, it was translated as “decent”:
Therefore, a bishop must be irreproachable, married only once, temperate, self-controlled, decent, hospitable, able to teach.
Today modesty is usually associated with sexual matters but in the New Testament, it is primarily concerned with character and decency.
Inasmuch as a lot of Christians would want a universal code for dressing, that is not the main goal of modesty. Consider various cultures and you see that modesty is relative. What is considered appropriate changes depending on context and culture. Rachel Marie Stone gives an account of her experience in Malawi. She says in Malawi women and men generally do not touch each other in public because it is considered rude. And neither would a woman and a man sit across from each other at the table because their knees might touch and knees are sensual. “On any given day in Malawi, you’ll see a woman pop an entire breast out of her top and offer it to a baby and no one blinks. But if a woman walks by in jeans, a skirt that shows her knees, or – even more scandalous – in shorts, heads swivel.” 1
There are two extremes relating to modesty which has the woman at the centre. One extreme tells women that they are to dress to sexually appeal to men. You find this message on magazines with images of women soooo “photoshopped” as to appeal sexually to men. They feature impossibly thin celebrities with sexy bodies. This is a culture which values a woman based on her sex appeal instead of character. This culture should be condemned and we should play our part to change it.
The other extreme is one that hangs a man’s fall on the woman because of her dressing. “Cover your curves, your legs, your breasts so as not to make a man fall.” This manner of thinking tends not to make the man responsible for his action. First, let me be clear: there may be no universal code for dressing but I believe there should be decency. Decency however can be influenced by culture and context. I have already mentioned Rachel’s experience when it comes to culture. It would be strange to always see a woman perform house chores in an evening gown just as it would be strange for a mechanic to wear his work clothe to a wedding.
Now back to the point I wanted to make. Some men will lust after a woman whether she is decently or indecently dressed. This is quite different from attraction. Attraction is a natural biological response to beauty. Lust obsesses on that attraction until it objectifies the woman who becomes a property to be claimed. When this happens, the man is responsible regardless of what the woman is wearing. Let me make this clearer. If I should keep my phone carelessly, and Musa comes along to steal it, when Musa is caught, it would be a lie for him to say he stole because the phone was carelessly kept. No, he stole because he was a thief. A man does not lust simply because a woman is indecently dressed; he lusts because he lacks self-control.
I think Jesus pointed this out but which is not clear to many. After saying, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt. 5:28), he does not turn to women to say, “Dress so that a brother does not stumble.” Rather, he said, “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away” (Mt. 5:29). By this he teaches men to be responsible for their thoughts and actions. Lust is not conquered by blaming a man’s fall on the woman’s wear but by bringing up boys to respect women and treat them with dignity instead of objectifying them.
Let the woman dress for herself not for men. Let her dress for her comfort. Let her however bear in mind that her dignity and self-respect which are more important and transcends culture will be reflected in her clothing. Let her pay more attention to her character in order to build it.
Reference:
1. Rachel Marie Stone, The Real Meaning of Modesty, TCW, www.todaychristianwoman.com/articles/2014/may-week-4/real-meaning-of-modesty.html.

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The peer pressure, the constant screen viewing, the endless phone chatting, the lewd songs, the adult films – these are some of the things that pose serious challenge to parental authority. Amid struggling not to lose faith in a secure future, parents are faced with situations that make traditional rules and child upbringing practices seem like a joke. They work so hard in the fast-paced world of today to make ends meet and this makes it difficult to spend time with their children. This is one of the reasons why a number of families do not have an atmosphere of love.
The word “authority” comes from the Latin verb augere which means “to develop”, “to make grow.” It is therefore not an exercise of authority when a parent imposes his will on his child or makes the child obey him at any cost. All authority comes from God. Authority, then, when properly exercised, is a reference point for knowing what is good and true.
Some parents may be struggling with how they are to attain the authority their role requires. What they however need to understand is that their authority as parents over their children has a foundation which arises naturally in their relationship with their children. Instead of worrying about how to attain the authority their role requires, they should work to exercise it so that it can be maintained because the authority naturally exists. To establish their authority therefore, parents need to show their love for their children in words and most especially in deeds. In other words, they do not need to do more than to be who they are – parents. This however requires spending time with the children; as a result, a work-family balance should be in place.
The proper exercise of parental authority presents children from their young age with what they need to develop as human beings. This requires that parents be exemplary in their conduct. More than listen to them, children observe what they do and that is what they tend to imitate. It is with parental authority that children are brought up to be responsible and in the process learn about responsibility. They could be responsible for services that will give them a feeling of being important in the family. Depending on their age they could check who is at the door, put their room in order, set the table, do the dishes.
A parent who has properly exercised his authority will enjoy his children’s trust. In this situation, the children will feel the unconditional love of the parent. It is unfortunate that this is not so in many families. Some parents have sacrificed their relationship with their children for their careers. Some see their role as parents as being able to impose their will on their children. Obviously, this will result in conflict and such parents may be resented by their children. Some parents whose conduct is far from being exemplary to their children will not be able to transmit values since they themselves lack values. When their children become adolescents, they will look for people who have clear standards and who live in accord with principles. Adolescents seek stability in their life, so they look out for such people. It is rather an unfortunate situation when they do not find this kind of people in their parents.
The upbringing of children which depends on both father and mother is a herculean task. Before God, parents should see themselves as custodians of those persons under them whom they call their children. It is their responsibility to lead them to a relationship with God. This responsibility along with others makes parenting a vocation. The task of raising children is a supernatural task. Nevertheless, parents should remember that their sacrament of matrimony entitles them to a special grace that would aid the fulfilment of their duties. Every child belongs to God, the parent then should entrust their efforts to God and pray for their children. What they should never do is to pretend not to see the mistake of their children or worse still, support them when they err.

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In the last two posts, I have written about the causes of low self-esteem and how it manifests. It is only normal that the write-ups on self-esteem conclude with one about how to develop a healthy one. The following helps in developing a healthy self-esteem.
a. Acknowledge your Uniqueness: Billions of people have lived on planet earth and passed on. Billions are living today. Ever since the world was, there has been anybody exactly like you and there is none like you today. You are unique. You have to acknowledge and appreciate that.
The world will definitely go on without you but it is a better world when you bless the world by putting the gift you have to use and being of service to man. But you have to appreciate yourself first.
If you were to be offered N1,000,000 for your sight, I am 99.9 percent sure that you would rather retain your sight than lose it and getting paid such amount. How about if you were to be giving N2,000,000 for you to exchange your heart with another one not better than yours? Or even N3,000,000 for your legs. Since you will reject all the offers, it shows that the organs of your body and the systems they form are worth far more than N6,000,000. As a human being, you are priceless. If scientists were to produce a brain, it would cost billions of dollars and so much man hours yet the brain they would come up with will not possess the creative power of your brain.
I think you just may have been taking yourself too much for granted and it is time to reverse that. You are unique and you are awesome. Acknowledging and appreciating that sets you on a path for a healthy self-esteem.
b. Stop Comparing yourself to others: How can you expect to win in this game of unfair comparison of yourself to others? Emeka has more money than I do. Faith has 5,000 Twitter followers and I do not have up to 100. Olu has a very nice car and I do not have one. You crush your self-esteem by these unnecessary comparisons. The only person you should compare yourself with is you. Ask yourself, “Am I better than I was yesterday?” This keeps the focus on you while motivating you to grow and become a better person. Emeka has more money than you but he may have duped people. Faith has 5,000 Twitter followers who were probably paid for that. Olu has a very nice car purchased with a loan. Right now he is married to his job and tied to it otherwise his car…his image…gone.
There are so many variables concerning other people’s experiences that you are not aware of. Help yourself by stopping the comparison. It is useless - literally.
c. Start a project with a series of small steps: Due to fear of failure people are afraid of starting a new project. Your project need not be gigantic. It should be something that stretches you a little and gets you out of your comfort zone. It could be something like losing that weight or starting a business. The important thing is that the project should consist of series of small steps. You start with a step you can take and when you are successful at that, you can take another step and another step. Each step takes you higher. Every step you complete gives you a sense of accomplishment. Your success at the first step impacts your performance in the next step and this raises your self-esteem which in turn brings a sense of accomplishment, and this goes on in subsequent steps.
d. Make a List of your Past Successes: Whatever gave you confidence or satisfaction should be on this list even if it was in your childhood. It could be taking the first position in class, graduating from school, writing a book, or starting a business. This list will serve to build your confidence. It will also let you know that since you have achieved success before, you can achieve even a greater one tomorrow.
e. Consume Positive Materials: Listen to stimulating talks, read motivational books, digest content on inspirational blogs (yes, like my blog, Growing Through Life, www.growingthroughlife.com). By doing this you feed your subconscious mind with healthy information. Doing this regularly increases your chances of using the information. By using the information, you develop yourself and your self-esteem is positively impacted.
If you really consider the benefits you stand to gain having a healthy self-esteem, you have the motivation to do what has been outlined. You will love the result.

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You cannot generalize that. When you take simple little steps and succeed in them, your confidence grows to take up greater tasks and this impacts positively on self-esteem. Some people used this means to grow their self-esteem over time. They are not perfect but they do not have low self-esteem. I am sure anybody who has experienced low self-esteem will have nothing positive to say about it.

You have core beliefs about yourself, about the kind of person you are. If your core beliefs about yourself are positive, then you have a healthy self-esteem. But if they are negative, then you have a low self-esteem. This shows that at the heart of your self-esteem are your core beliefs about the kind of person you are. Negative beliefs about yourself which results in low self-esteem are expressed in many ways. Four of the ways are discussed below.
a. Insecurity: I think we all have insecurity in one way or form. Insecurity can be a product of a low self-esteem. Someone can hide behind his accomplishments concealing a low self-esteem. He may appear to be secure because of his ability or appearance but he is insecure inside. Hence the person does not have ability insecurity or appearance insecurity but has self-insecurity. This self-insecurity results in a low self-esteem.
Such insecurity can make people place too much emphasis on material things: money, fashion, cars, and hairdos. They are prone to dress indecently. In their insecurity, they go to extremes in order to gain acceptance. Their low self-worth makes them feel the way they can get attention is to reveal parts of their body, that way they can make a statement. They do not accept themselves and their need for acceptance is magnified. Since they are desperate for others to accept them, they see nothing wrong in posting indecent pictures of themselves on social media so they can get “Likes” and comments. They get fifty Likes and they feel validated; they feel as if they have accomplished something. The virtual reality of the social media appears to be a real reality to them. This is a sign of low self-esteem. If you want others to accept you, you have to accept yourself first.
b. Hypersensitivity: People with low self-esteem have a feeling of inadequacy. Since they feel they are inadequate, they feel that others feel the same way about them. So they watch people’s words and actions towards them like a hawk. They question people’s words and actions towards themselves. They are alert to other people’s choice of words and tone of voice. They are quick to read signs of people looking down upon them or mocking them and they end up confirming the worst where the conclusions were already in their head.
c. Unfavourable Comparison: Do you have a habit of comparing yourself to your siblings, parents, colleagues, friends, boss, or even strangers? If yes then your self-esteem is most likely low. Unfair and excessive comparison does not help you in any way. You do not find favour in comparing your chapter 3 to someone else’s chapter 15. It does not matter if you share a similar background; there are so many variables you do not see, so the comparison is useless.
d. Lack of Motivation: They do not put in the much needed effort into a project, cause, or activity, and have an attitude that neglects consequences. Zig Ziglar explains:
…it is because they can’t see themselves as “winning” or as the outstanding boy or girl because they aren’t attractive or deserving enough. They can completely “let go” and “overdo” their protest in every conceivable way. They are frequently loud, critical, vindictive, and overbearing. Such people often dress unattractively, forgo personal hygiene, frequently become obese, abandon morality and flaunt immorality, turn to drugs or alcohol, and become vulgar or profane in speech. Ironically, they often adopt a superior attitude and try to make others, who don’t share their views, feel inferior. It’s distressing to see sloppy, dirty, profane, unkempt individuals because the outward appearance is a dead giveaway to the self-image…1
In the last post, I looked at four causes of low self-esteem. I have considered how low self-esteem is expressed in this post. The next post will be steps to a healthy self-esteem.
Reference:
1. Zig Ziglar, 2000, See You at the Top, Pelican Publishing Company Inc., 68.

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God has no beginning, he has no end. He is infinite in glory and majesty. It is in love that he created man so that man will share in his glory. Hence, God created man for heaven, for a vision in which man shall see God face to face as he is. This is the longing of man’s being.
But man is created and placed on earth. His life on earth becomes a homeward journey. Life is also an opportunity to know, love, and serve God. Little wonder we answer in catechism class, “God made me to know him, to love him, to serve him, in this world and to be happy with him forever,” when the question, “Why did God make you?” is asked.
First, from that answer, you cannot talk about loving God except you know him. God is love and knowing him (not just knowing about his attributes) will give you all the reason you need to love him. It is sad that majority of Christians do not know God but know about him. He who knows God and hence loves him will want to show his love for God. Consequently, he serves God. He serves God by the actions he carries out which reflects his love for God.
Second, “forever” in the conclusion of the answer “…and to be happy with him forever” does not start sometime in the future or in heaven. Forever starts now. We are to know God now, love him now, serve him now, and be happy with him now and always. This is eternal life.
We must begin to love God in this life here and now. Heaven is the fulfilment, the fruition of our love for God in this life. But God cannot fulfill something that does not exist in the first place. If our hearts have no love for God while we are on earth, then there will be no love that will be fulfilled in eternity. So, God made us and placed us here on earth so that by loving him, we may lay the necessary foundation for the happiness of heaven.
Anyone who hopes to be united with God in eternity must begin to love God in this life. Heaven would simply not exist for the one who would depart this world with no love for God in his heart. One way to understand this is to consider the plight of a blind man. A blind man cannot see the light from the sun but that does not mean that there is no light from the sun. He simply cannot see it. In a similar way, the man who departs into eternity without love for God cannot see God even though God is there. He has gone into eternity blind. We were made for God and we have continued to long for God. The fulfilment of our being is to behold God face to face. It is despair for one not to be able to see God for eternity; it is hell.
So, he who really wants to see God will have to prove his love for God in this life. There is only one solid way of showing your love for anyone. It is by doing what will please the one you love. Imagine a man and a woman in a relationship. The man relocates in order to complete a programme but he and his partner choose to continue the relationship. The man keeps telling the woman over the phone, “I love you.” But if this man spends his time and money on prostitutes, then he would be a great liar. For by his actions, he shows that he does not have any real love for the woman. If he had, he would be the kind of man his woman would want him to be.
In a similar manner, there is only one way to prove your love for God. It is by doing what God wants you to do; by being the kind of person he wants you to be. It is a serious mistake for many of us to think that our love for God is in our emotions. It is good to sing, clap, and dance to the Lord but that is not the essence of love for God. No, love for God does not reside in the emotions. Love can be felt in an emotional way but again that is not the essence. Love for God resides in the will. It is therefore not how you feel toward God but in what you are willing to do for God that you prove your love for God.
The more you do for God in this life, the greater will be your happiness in heaven. Let your will through your actions prove your love for God. This is why you are here.

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I was taught in catechism that prayer is the raising of our hearts and minds to God in silence or in words. How true those words were. My prayer life has been a journey of continuous beginnings.
As a child I hardly prayed. In my First Holy Communion class, my instructor, Mr. Henry, encouraged his catechumens to join a society in the church. I later joined the Block Rosary Crusade. I can say that my spiritual journey started there. From my teenage years into adulthood, I tried to pray every day especially in the morning and night. But I had my occasional bouts of falling in and out of sleep when I prayed at such times – when I was not fully awake in the morning and when I was very tired in the night. I understood how important it was to communicate with God in prayer and that prompted me to make effort to be disciplined while praying. I learnt I still had a long way to go with respect to prayer for when I was fully awake praying, my mind was just not able to remain still throughout the duration of the prayer let alone meditate. Confession – that is still a challenge.
Prayer can be said at any time or any place but the place and time are not as important as the interior disposition.
Through my prayer experience, I have realized some of its benefits which include:
a. Strengthened faith: We all have our downs in life journey and I surely do. Most of my sincerest prayers are made at my low points. I come out of such a prayer with renewed faith and hope. I feel God heard that prayer that came from my heart and that I am not alone in life. I come out of prayer knowing that God is with me and that even if a mother can forget the infant she nurses, God cannot forget me.
b. Setting the mind on heavenly things: St. Paul instructs us, “Think of what is above, not what is on earth.” The easiest way I do that is by prayer. The hustle and bustle of life can really keep our minds on the things of this world forgetting our heavenly home. Heaven and its host can be forgotten until the consequences of an evil act. Through prayer the heavenly prize becomes present in our minds and the earth is seen as the journey it is.
c. Brings one closer to God: Every relationship requires communication to grow. It is the same for relationship with God. Prayer time is time spent with God distinct from time spent in the church. When you form the habit of raising your heart to God, you find that you are able to reflect God in various parts of your life.
d. Prevents Selfishness: We tend to be selfish as humans. When selfishness is not checked, we do a lot of harm to humanity. But we become selfless when we go to prayer and ask God for other people’s needs. If all you do in your prayer is to always pray for yourself, then maybe you do not see yourself clearly.
The value of prayer should encourage us to schedule out time for prayer. If you have no time for prayer then it is the more reason you have to pray so that God may direct you to keep your head straight.

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“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit upon his glorious throne, and all the nations will be assembled before him. And he will separate them one from another, as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep on his right hand and the goats on his left. Then the king will say to those on the right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father. Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me. Then the righteous will answer him and say, ‘LORD, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you? And the king will say to them in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did it for me.’ Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’ He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.’ And these will go off to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.” (Matthew 25:31-46).
During my National Youth Service Corps Programme at Kebbi state, I taught Computer Studies to Junior Secondary School students. One day I taught them parts of a computer, writing on the black board as I taught. With what I had written still on the black board, I asked the class for the parts of a computer system. The answer I got from a student was “Window.”
I shared this with my colleague and roommate and he told me his experience. He taught Senior Secondary School students factors of production and asked the class to give him the factors. The first answer he got was “Cassava” and the second “Millet.” The students were not able to answer because most did not properly understand the English language.
But we understand English language, the language with which our bibles are written yet we are failing. The biblical passage above is what I can call an “expo”. It exposes the standard with which we shall be judged on the last day. The sad news is that a lot of us are failing with the answers ‘on the board’.
People are living with ‘every man for himself’ mentality while neglecting the needs of their neighbour. At Mass we pray, “I confess to Almighty God…for what I have done and what I have failed to do.” To neglect to do good is a sin.
The biblical passage above did not mention that the goats actively maltreated the hungry, thirsty, or stranger. They failed to do what they should have done.
In the parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31), it was not said that the rich man maltreated or hit Lazarus. He ignored him; he neglected Lazarus’ needs which he could easily have provided. In the end he suffered torment. Let us reflect to see where we have been neglecting to do good especially where our neighbour continues to suffer as a result of our negligence.
The works of mercy are ways in which we show mercy to our fellow men. We are God’s hands and feet in this work.
In most Catholic churches, after Sunday Masses, you find St. Vincent de Paul society members hitting their boxes and shouting, “Help the poor.” This is itself an opportunity for the work of mercy for the money or items given to the society is used to serve the poor and help those in need. Other opportunities come up from time to time.
No one would love to hear, “Depart from me,” on the last day. The good news is that we have the “expo” that will ensure we are not told that. Let us not fail when the standard has been exposed.

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“Living the faith” – the slogan of the Nigerian Federation of Catholic Students, NFCS. Whenever I heard that in school, I remember that I should be living my faith. I would be more willing to share my faith with joy when I experience the happiness in living it.
What many Christians do is to live a life of duplicity, Mr. Saint in the church, Mr. World elsewhere. This dichotomy creates a dual personality in us. We have become so insensitive to spiritual advancement that rather than take the faith of the Church to the world, we are bringing the world to the Church.
I had a chat with a printer who told me that right inside the Church, a committee member will call a printer for a job and before the printer prepares his quote, he would state his “cut” so that it would be included in the quote. It is sad that many Christians see nothing wrong with that. In fact some defend it with, “Where man dey work, na where im go shop.” But the Church is not a work-shop. That attitude kills the spirit of sacrifice which the Church preaches. They are motivated to join a committee because of what they intend to gain. Where they see nothing, they stay away. You find a committee member “hustling” to ensure that he belongs to the Advert sub-committee. What does a person with such an attitude have to share about his faith?
“You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lampstand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly father” (Mt. 5:13-16). The question is, “Does your light shine before others so that they see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father?” It is worth reflecting upon.
Through our words and actions, we ought to share our faith. One who wishes to share his faith will not talk to the cleaner at the office or his driver as if she was less than a human being. Our behaviour tells a lot about who we are.
Our faith is rich. It has so much valuable treasure. I have a glimpse of her beauty in a way I find difficult to describe but I admit that sharing it in both words and actions is still a challenge for me. So along with many Christians, I am convicted falling short. We have gotten so busy with the secular world that we forget that Heaven is our home. Consequently our priorities are misplaced. We have “packaged” Christ in a corner and have grown deaf to his calling in spite of the many sermons we hear. So rather than experience the joy of living the faith, we are overcome with the problems of Nigeria, family issues, financial challenges, and work stress. Truth be told, many of us have become attached to material things and this is usually at the expense of moral integrity. We have placed material things above our relationship with God.
One thing I suggest you do more is personal reflection. We live life daily and continue to go in cycles. If the cycle is not beneficial then we have to break it. Reflection can help. Have an alone time, be by yourself, with yourself and think of your actions and inactions of the day or week. Where you find you are falling short in the practice of your faith, make amends. It is sad that many Christians do not have time for reflection. In my experience, reflection is vital for spiritual progress. Take a step forward by allotting a time either daily or weekly for your reflection. Do this repeatedly and you form it as a habit.
Let us endeavour to know our faith, live it, and share it. Someone may be watching you who can be influenced to join your faith by your manner of living. There was a week in my third year at the university in which I looked at my spiritual life and saw my sins before me. Consequently, I made up my mind to go for Confession by the weekend. That week, one of my roommates said to me, “I never believed that there was a guy like you. I thought that every guy must have at least one of these three weaknesses – alcoholism, gambling, womanizing. I have watched you and seen that you are not into anyone of these.” There I was, seeing myself as the sinner I was, preparing to go for Confession not knowing that for more than a semester, someone was observing me. Of course I do not present the story to show myself as a saint, I present it to say that someone may just be watching you without your knowledge. If my roommate had not told me, I would have had no inkling that he was observing me.
Your actions (together with your words) may be the preaching someone around you needs to change for the better. Live your faith. Face the challenge.

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The marriage institution demands a lot from the partners. The duties the partners have to continue the success of the marriage are challenging. No one in marriage wishes to find himself or herself unhappy in the marriage. To be in the situation where the options one can see are divorce and remaining unhappy in the marriage is unfortunate. It is a critical time when the actions one take can make a huge difference. The actions determine if spouses will continue staying together or become separated. In such a situation, one hardly sees a third option – the option to improve the marriage so that the relationship can be enjoyed.

Some things one can do to improve the marriage are:

Sincere Communication: I have always cherished sincere communication simply for its beauty. If we all communicate sincerely, a lot of complications in relationships will be prevented. But a lot of people justify half-truths and lies. They anticipate their partner responding negatively if they are sincere and so they become dishonest in their conversation.

If you anticipate your partner responding negatively whether with words and/or actions because of the truth, then there is an issue which has made sincere communication urgent. In other words, the issue which serves as an excuse why you would lie to your spouse is begging for sincere communication in order to be resolved.

To improve your marriage, you need an open and sincere conversation with your spouse. This conversation should not be a blame game. It is better you communicate your need rather than accuse your partner of what he may be doing wrong. Thus, “I would love it if we could spend more time together” is preferable to “You do not spend time with me.” You get the point. In the conversation be prepared to listen more than talk.

Identify the Real Issues: How can you fix a problem when you do not even know the real issue? “I am not feeling happy in this marriage” does not identify any issue. But if you can specifically identify the reasons why you are not feeling happy, then you are good to go.

So make a list of what needs to be changed so as to be more satisfied in your marriage. The list gives you what you really need to work on.

Go for Professional Counseling: We really have not come to appreciate the importance of professional counseling in this part of the world. And often times when some seek counsel, they go to the wrong people.

A professional marriage counselor can actually help you to improve your relationship with your spouse and bring back the lost joy. If you are not sure what a marriage counselor can do for your marriage, find out.

Concentrate on the Changes you can Make: No one can change another hence you cannot change your spouse. That is completely out of your control. Wanting to change another person puts an unhealthy pressure on you. You just cannot force your partner to change but you can focus on the changes that lie within your control. Your energy should be spent changing your attitude and behaviour which needs to be changed. People change and find out that their partners change as a result.

More inspiring write-ups on www.growingthroughlife.com

The marriage institution demands a lot from the partners. The duties the partners have to continue the success of the marriage are challenging. No one in marriage wishes to find himself or herself unhappy in the marriage. To be in the situation where the options one can see are divorce and remaining unhappy in the marriage is unfortunate. It is a critical time when the actions one take can make a huge difference. The actions determine if spouses will continue staying together or become separated. In such a situation, one hardly sees a third option – the option to improve the marriage so that the relationship can be enjoyed.

Some things one can do to improve the marriage are:

Sincere Communication: I have always cherished sincere communication simply for its beauty. If we all communicate sincerely, a lot of complications in relationships will be prevented. But a lot of people justify half-truths and lies. They anticipate their partner responding negatively if they are sincere and so they become dishonest in their conversation.

If you anticipate your partner responding negatively whether with words and/or actions because of the truth, then there is an issue which has made sincere communication urgent. In other words, the issue which serves as an excuse why you would lie to your spouse is begging for sincere communication in order to be resolved.

To improve your marriage, you need an open and sincere conversation with your spouse. This conversation should not be a blame game. It is better you communicate your need rather than accuse your partner of what he may be doing wrong. Thus, “I would love it if we could spend more time together” is preferable to “You do not spend time with me.” You get the point. In the conversation be prepared to listen more than talk.

Identify the Real Issues: How can you fix a problem when you do not even know the real issue? “I am not feeling happy in this marriage” does not identify any issue. But if you can specifically identify the reasons why you are not feeling happy, then you are good to go.

So make a list of what needs to be changed so as to be more satisfied in your marriage. The list gives you what you really need to work on.

Go for Professional Counseling: We really have not come to appreciate the importance of professional counseling in this part of the world. And often times when some seek counsel, they go to the wrong people.

A professional marriage counselor can actually help you to improve your relationship with your spouse and bring back the lost joy. If you are not sure what a marriage counselor can do for your marriage, find out.

Concentrate on the Changes you can Make: No one can change another hence you cannot change your spouse. That is completely out of your control. Wanting to change another person puts an unhealthy pressure on you. You just cannot force your partner to change but you can focus on the changes that lie within your control. Your energy should be spent changing your attitude and behaviour which needs to be changed. People change and find out that their partners change as a result.

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