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From Unconsciousness To Consciousness

Level 2: You meet her, the girl of your dreams. Let us call her X. She appeared from nowhere and because of how you feel in her presence, you are quick to ask for a relationship. She says, “Ok,” and without smoking or drinking you become high. You are so high you are feeling like The Most High. Kai!

Level 3: The relationship starts. It was all about butterflies in your stomach. You take her out, she takes you in. Chai! Life is sweet. All your problems are solved. You are the man. You are the main man. You are the bad guy. You feel like singing, “I am bad…” by Michael Jackson. With the way this love makes you feel, who says you are not Michael Jackson? You moonwalk.

Level 4: Before long you start to notice some things about X. But because you are beside yourself, you brush those things off as being insignificant.

Level 5: X begins to act in ways you are not comfortable with at an increased frequency. You try to have a conversation with X about it but each time, the conversation ends up in a fight.

Level 6: The butterflies in your stomach disappears. You love X and you don’t want to leave her neither do you want her to leave you. But there are some things that irritate you about X. You begin to see subtle ways in which she tries to manipulate you. The clearer the manipulation becomes, the angrier you get. You try to control her.

Level 7: She is trying to manipulate you and you are trying to control her. This leads to a battle – a battle you deny. You are at war with X and you call the whole drama a relationship. You see this as being normal but it is only normal if abnormal is normal. Sometimes you love X, sometimes you hate her. This is how the relationship oscillates between love and hate. Now it seems as if you hate her more often than you love her. More fights. One of the fights is so intense that you have to look out the window of your second floor apartment, not to the sky but down to the street and wonder, “Is it not better I jump off this building instead of remaining in the same room with this woman?”

Level 8: The worst happens, that which you feared – a break up. X is leaving you. You love X so much that you doubt if you can survive without her. The pain inside you is unbearable. You feel like dying. Life no longer makes any sense. You grieve. When you met X, you were high. Now you are low.

Did you notice that I started this post on Level 2? Before Level 2, there is Level 1 and before that Level, there is Level 0.

Level 0: You do not know who you are. You think you do but who you think you are is not who you are. Your ego has created a mental image of you and it presents it to you as you and you believe it. So you think you are that and you mistake a mental image of yourself for who you are. This puts you in a situation, a situation where you are not being who you are but trying desperately to be who you are not – a mental image. The more you try to live up to this mental image you have of yourself, the more disconnected you are from who you are, from your Being. The result is dissatisfaction, a sense of being incomplete. This manifests as fear or pain inside you and you feel it. But you do not want to feel the pain, you do not want to face it, so you try to run away from it. How can you really escape that which is inside you? Nonetheless, you try to escape by numbing the pain. You look for things or people you can use to prevent you from feeling the pain inside you. The consequence of this is addiction. You become addicted to substance or somebody. When it is somebody, it is somebody you are in a relationship with.
You are at Level 0. The Level at which you feel pain inside you as a result of not being at one with your Being. In order to escape this pain, you seek salvation in a relationship, “I will be happy when someone loves me.”

Level 1: You begin the search, always on the lookout for a lover. Every girl you come in contact with is a potential lover. What exactly are you looking for in a woman? You do not know but you are looking for a woman. You get to Level 2 and move through 8 where X leaves you.

Level 9: Life, the best teacher, wants to teach you but you are too distracted to learn. Life is telling you to face the pain inside you so that it can dissolve but you are not listening, not interested. Instead you tell yourself a story, “X broke my heart.” But X did not break your heart; she broke your expectation. Your expectation was for her to be your salvation, your fulfillment, and she broke that. So you feel so much pain within. You attribute this intense pain to your breakup. But the pain is not there because of the break up even though that is what you think. The pain you feel is that same pain that you were feeling at Level 0 – the pain of dissatisfaction, the pain of feeling incomplete, the pain of not being at one with who you are. X is no longer there to block you from feeling that pain. You were addicted to X. Not really. You were addicted to your mental image of X, and you used X to stop yourself from accessing the pain inside you. X is now gone. Nothing is preventing you from feeling the pain. So you feel it much more intensely. You feel the raw, naked pain.

Level 10: You did not learn any lesson so you quickly move again to prevent yourself from feeling the pain within. You go into another relationship. The cycle repeats and you rinse and repeat, going in and out of relationships. It is at this level that you experience four break ups in a year and half.

Level 11: You are still in pain. Life forces you take a break from relationships. “Maybe I should be alone for some time.” In pain and without knowing it, you are already listening to Life, the best teacher. You decide to be single without intimate relationship for a while. Things begin to happen.

Level 12: You see that you were so focused on your relationship that you took your family and friends for granted. Now you begin to appreciate your family and friends more.

Level 13: Spiritually, you go deeper. This spirituality is not just the shallow “In Jesus name.” This spirituality refers to that dimension of you that is your essence. So, going deeper here means going into yourself rather than outside yourself. This allows you to connect to your Being thereby being truly who you are. This cannot be conceptually understood, it can only be experienced. Your connection to your Being allows you to be one with who you are. “Miraculously” this takes care of that sense of dissatisfaction, that sense of pain you always had. You are at home in yourself so you no longer feel that sense of separation, that sense of incompletion. You realize now that you do not need anything or anybody to be happy or fulfilled. You do not need a relationship to feel love. Now that you are connected to your Being, the true aspects of your Being manifests – love, peace, and joy. You realize and experience the love and joy that is inside you already. You are at peace. Your Being is rooted in God and since you are at one with your Being, you are at one with God. This is your fulfillment. Your life is transformed, not outside-in (the way you have been trying to go about it without success) but inside-out. There is a shift in your consciousness. Your spirit is now awake. This is the ultimate transformation.

Level 14: As a result of your interior transformation, the way you go about what you do and the way you interact with people changes. People begin to notice a change in you.

At Level 1, you were desperately looking for salvation in a relationship, hence, looking for a special woman. Now it seems as if something is attracting women to you and not just any woman, enlightened women who like what you have and manifest. You know you don’t need them to complete you but you love them. What is love? Connection without motive. Almost effortlessly, a close relationship develops with one of the women.

At Level 1, you sought a partner in order to escape your pain and you ended up with X who was also seeking a partner in order to escape her pain. So both of you loved each other like addictions and you know how it ended. Now you have a relationship with a woman who is not at that state of unconsciousness of X. Your spiritual transformation has helped in attracting a woman who does not need you in order to feel complete but loves you. What is love again? Connection without motive. So this woman does not try to manipulate you and you are not in any way trying to control her.

Level 15: Something dawns on you: It is not when you have a relationship that you will be fulfilled; it is when you are fulfilled that you will have a true relationship. You appreciate the relationship you have with this woman and thank God that X is ex.

Question: Which of the levels are you at now?

I am the author of You Are Not Your Ego, an eBook that will transform your life. To get more information about the eBook: http://consciousevolutionpath.com/info/book

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Spousal Financial Responsibility

CASE1: Since she was also earning she decided to support her husband as much as she could. So even when the money her husband was giving her was not enough, she did not complain. One day her husband made a comment like, “It seems like you have money.” It was when she was not able to support financially that she understood. She could not do what she was doing before but her husband would not do more than dropping the feeding money. The upkeep of the wife, the care of the home, other needs of the children, he was not bothered. In fact, sometimes he even reduces the usual amount he drops for feeding, coming up with some excuse. It is now about fifteen years of marriage and the woman doing what she can to help herself and her children is still not finding it easy.

CASE 2: Ade (not real name) knew Cosmos (not real name also) as a good guy. Cosmos once talked to Ade about his intention to go into marriage. Ade did not hesitate to introduce Cosmos to his sister. They courted for about three months and next thing, marriage. One day after marriage, the woman calls Ade her brother to ask, “Do you really know this your friend?” and adds, “It is like I am seeing something else o.” It was later Ade understood what was going on. Cosmos had two means of income but he was not taking responsibility for his family. He drops no money. Nothing. He has three children with his wife. The woman has cried and begged, ”If there is any way I have offended you, please forgive me.” It did not move him. Ade has stepped into the matter, family has also stepped in, the Church has stepped in, Cosmos has not changed. This may shock you: Cosmos is a pastor.

There are times when due to some reasons the man of the house may experience some financial setback. It maybe the loss of his job, business not bringing as much as it used to, or some other reasons. In such a situation, it is clear that he has a financial challenge. I believe the proper thing to do is for him to sit down with his family especially his wife and communicate the situation as it is. If the woman is able to support her husband in such a situation, I do not see the reason why she should not, knowing that the man needs help. As the man keeps making effort to change the situation, the family may have to cut out what they can so as to manage what they have.

But the case is totally different when the man has the financial resources to take care of his family and he does nothing. How can someone who is called a father, with the means to provide, watch his family suffer and do nothing? You have the money, you do not provide. It is wicked, it is evil, it is condemnable. It is possible that you are spending your money on one w***e outside. Only God knows if you are not under some spiritual...

CASE 3: She and her husband were working. She lost her job and financial challenge set in for her. With these words her husband consoled her: “Hunger will kill you.”

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been experiencing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting http://consciousevolutionpath.com.

If you would like me to come speak at your seminar, retreat, workshop or event email: gnwaokike@gmail.com.

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You can be free of mental-emotional pain

I show you that:

a. The problem is not that you do not think; the problem is that you are unable to stop thinking. You are addicted to thinking but you do not know that. Through compulsive thinking you look at people and situations through the eyes of the past. So you label and judge – you misinterpret. The consequence is unhappiness.

b. Your mind has created a false self – ego – and you have attached yourself to this false self. In other words, you have identified with a phantom self. You are unconscious and so your ego rules. But the ego can never be beautiful enough, never have enough, never be enough. Hence, the ego can never be satisfied. This explains why after getting the things you thought will make you happy, you end up being unhappy after which you proceed to pursue bigger things which still do not make you happy after you get them. This goes on and on.

c. Your ego has created a story which you believe, a story based on your past and this story causes you pain. Your life has much “drama.”

d. It is not when something happens that you will be happy; it is when you are happy that something will happen.

e. You cannot be free of pain in the past; you cannot be free of pain in the future. You can only be free of pain in the present moment. But your mind does not allow you to live in the present moment. Your mind is almost always taking you to the past and the future. You are worried, you are anxious. You are in pain. Your mind resists this pain which adds another layer of pain instead of removing the pain. You suffer.

f. A seed has inside it instructions that will make it grow and yield fruits. Inside you are instructions that will make you thrive. You hardly trust and so you are unable to access those instructions – intuition.

g. You have not given yourself a satisfactory answer to the questions, “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose?” because you have focused on doing and neglected being.

h. The question is not, “Why don’t I have peace?” The question is, “What is preventing me from accessing the peace I already have?” Love, joy, and peace are not outside there; they are aspects of your Being. The good news is that you have them inside you already. Your ego is preventing you from experiencing them.

I show you all these and many more in my new eBook titled You Are Not Your Ego. Through this book I lead you to yourself, not to your false self but to your true self, the deeper you. I lead you to you. Why? Because connecting to your true self will impact your work, your health, your relationship, your life.

“This is deep… More,” was what someone said after reading some content of this eBook. There is much to say about this book but I do not want you to just believe what I say, I want you to experience another dimension of yourself. A belief can be comforting, an experience can be liberating.

To purchase and get this eBook which you can have on your computer, tablet, or phone, use this link: http://consciousevolutionpath.com/info/book.

This is not motivation. This is transformation. Your pain is enough.

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Hahjascho:
more

More you will get.

Meanwhile you may want to visit my website: www.consciousevolutionpath.com.

Hahjascho:
All these are so good and deep, I will start digesting them one by one

Good to know you will be digesting them. That is why I am sharing.

Conscious Relationship

Addictive relationships are always are always driven by the ego. You are “in love” with your partner but on the opposite side, your hate manifests as possessiveness, blame, anger, fear of loss, manipulation, need to be right. That type of relationship does not convey the true meaning of love. It is an unconscious relationship which stems from your attachment to the person. You are trying to find fulfillment through your partner, hence, instead of realizing your individual completeness, you think you are incomplete without the other.

A conscious relationship is not like an addictive one. The love comes from someone who is at peace with himself and is not trying to find salvation in another person. Issues may arise in a conscious relationship but partners do not lose themselves in the issue. In order to enter a conscious relationship or transform your addictive relationship to a conscious one, knowing the following can be helpful:

a. Love is a state of being: You have been searching for love. That is because you think love is outside of you and when you get it, you will be fulfilled. But love is not outside of you. It is not dependent on an external object or person. Love is not a thought or a feeling. Then what is love? Love is an aspect of the true nature of your being. Love is already present in you. But because your ego dominates you, you do not seem to be connected to the love in you. When your ego (false self) dissolves, what is left is who you are. When you are at home in yourself, being who you really are, your true nature manifests. In that state, you experience the love that you already have. Your love does not start with another person. It starts with you and shines through to others.

b. Be present: Conflicts intensify in relationships because we hardly live in the present moment. When you lose yourself in a fight, you are definitely not present. If you are present in the Now, you cannot lose yourself in a fight. You feel the need to attack and criticize your partner because your thoughts have taken over you. When you feel the need to attack, anchor yourself in the present moment by focusing on your breath – breathe in and breathe out, and be aware you are doing that. This would stop you from giving power to your thoughts and avoid a situation where you ask, “What came over me?”
Unconsciously, you fear being present because it will lead you to your pain. But your presence has power and with that power it is able to dissolve or transmute your pain.

c. True communication is communion: Where is the relationship without communication? If you and your partner are not really communicating then you do not have a relationship but an illusion of one. When you communicate, put aside your mind games and emotional tricks. Your communication should be to commune not to win.

d. Relationship does not offer salvation: When you seek salvation or fulfillment from a relationship, you are likely to suffocate the relationship by being manipulative because of the fear of your partner leaving you. Your being is already complete and so no thing or person can complete you.

If you cannot be at ease with yourself when you are alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease. You can be sure that the unease will then reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will probably hold your partner responsible for it.
All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself.¹

Being at one with your Being is fulfillment. It is therefore not when you have a relationship that you will be fulfilled. It is when you are fulfilled that you will have a true relationship.

Note:

1. Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, 2004, New World Library, Novato, and Namaste Publishing, Canada, p. 174

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been experiencing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting http://consciousevolutionpath.com.

If you would like me to come speak at your seminar, retreat, workshop or event email: gnwaokike@gmail.com.

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Being at Home in Yourself

“I need to look good so that men will talk to me,” a young lady said. An older lady affirmed, “Yes o. If you don’t look good, they won’t even notice you.” I asked them, “What if after looking good no man appreciates your look?” I went ahead and said, “Nothing is wrong with looking good in itself but to look good so that men will talk to you means hanging your happiness on that happening so that if you look good and men do not talk to you, you feel unhappy as a result of thinking something is wrong with you.”

If a young lady believes that she needs a man’s compliment to be happy, then she is not at home in herself. She may not be able to place her hand upon it exactly but there is a void, a fear, a pain, a level of dissatisfaction she has within. She does not want to give attention to the pain within rather she is constantly trying to escape it. But how can you escape what is in you already? Nonetheless, she continues her fruitless attempt to escape the pain. Before long she comes across something or somebody in her life that serves as a blockage preventing her from accessing the pain. She now has a partner or boyfriend. Because she desperately does not want to feel the pain in her, she is addicted to her boyfriend. In her fear of losing her boyfriend and facing “death” she manipulates him. Her manipulation frustrates his own attempt to control her. Things fall apart – they break up. Her story becomes, “He broke my heart.” She does not see it was her expectations that were broken, not her heart. When that happened, it brought her closer to her heart, closer to that pain that has been there before the relationship but constantly avoided by her, the pain she tried to use the relationship to cover. The relationship is ended and she feels the pain intensely. The pain seems overwhelming and she blames her ex-boyfriend for that. But it was the same pain that was there before the relationship. Now she is not far from the pain because she is not having her ex-boyfriend blocking her from accessing it. This why she feels the pain more intensely. One thing she does not realize is that the break up that happened needed to happen so that she can love herself and be at home in herself.

A relationship is a by-product of your connection to yourself. There are times when we need to work on connecting to ourselves and we need to do it alone. You may feel additional pain after a breakup because of your belief that you have to be in a relationship or because of the conditioning that love is found outside of yourself. The pain is there so that you can learn to love yourself but you will find it difficult to do so until you appreciate yourself on a whole new level. When you succeed in doing this, the pain will leave you.

A relationship is sharing and appreciation not control or ownership. When you truly love or appreciate yourself, you will not love your partner like an addiction. If in order to numb the pain you feel following a breakup you quickly go into another relationship, you succeed in doing a rinse and repeat.

There was a period following a breakup that I decided not to go into any relationship for sometime. That decision helped me to appreciate myself and to stop looking for someone to make me feel happy. I found joy in myself. I even asked myself what it was I saw in some of the persons I had relationships with. If I had loved and appreciated myself, I know those relationships would never had happened. If you are in a hurry to find love, you may end up going astray just because you found someone available and willing. It then becomes a case of “if the desirable is not available, the available becomes the desirable.”

During that period of staying away from an intimate relationship, I saw myself cherishing the bonds I have with my family and few friends. I saw how I had wrapped my whole life around relationships which stunted my growth in other areas of my life. I found myself developing new friendships and expanding my horizons. I felt an expansion within and I knew I was growing. In fact I was conscious of my evolution even though I was “alone.” I experienced peace in myself.

If you cannot be happy outside of a committed relationship, you may need to stop and reflect why this is so. In fact you may need to be alone even though you are scared of being alone. There is no way around pain but there is a way through it.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been experiencing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting http://consciousevolutionpath.com.

If you would like me to come speak at your seminar, retreat, workshop or event email: gnwaokike@gmail.com.

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Relationship Addiction

One who is dominated by the ego would find himself constantly accompanied by deep-seated feelings. It could be a feeling of discontent. If one were to be at one with one’s true self, then one would no longer be dominated by the ego and one would transcend one’s self.
But as often is the case, the person with the feeling of unhappiness instead of accepting the feeling resists it. He feels unhappy and now he has added resistance to the unhappiness. The result is suffering. He does not know why he suffers but he is hell-bent on escaping the suffering. Escapism ensues which is usually in the form of an addiction. As often as is the case, a human being becomes the object of addiction and we usually call this a relationship.

He feels unhappy so he says to himself, “I need someone in order to be happy,” or, “I don’t want to be alone.” So he looks for someone to go into a relationship with and he finds her. The odds are good that the person he finds was also looking for someone to escape her loneliness. They become codependent on each other but the say they are in love. Both of them are using each other to avoid the fear they have inside. As they constantly avoid accepting that fear, they block themselves from experiencing the fear and then transcending it. They are stuck but they are not aware they are.

Addiction, attraction, eroticism, control, then add possessiveness to it – this combination produces an intense emotionalism which we often call love. But that which we often call love is an ingrown dependency relationship where another person serves as the object of one’s need for security. This results to an unhealthy attachment to the passion felt at the beginning of the relationship. Shortly after the excitement subsides, you see no reason to continue the relationship. If you have a history of short romantic relationships, falling in and out of love many times, this may be your case. You were looking for a fantasy and you went into a relationship. The relationship did not meet the expectation of your fantasy so you abandoned it and went on to the next. You repeat the cycle again and again. No person or thing can permanently cover up the pain inside you. No relationship can meet the expectation of your fantasy. The pain is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being – not being at one with yourself.

When we go into relationships, we often enter with memories of past relationships and expectations. We also enter with personally and culturally conditioned mental concepts of what a relationship should be like. So on the one hand, you have mental concepts of what your relationship should be like, on the other hand, you have your relationship. You are now trying to make your relationship conform to your mental concepts. You become controlling. You are trying to control reality but you cannot so you get disappointed and angry. You dwell in resistance, you suffer. If you want to truly love, you have to let go of those concepts and ideas.

Try this exercise, the next time you see your partner, let go of the mental ideas and beliefs you have about her. In the moment that you are with her, be with her fully. How can you be fully with her? By giving her your full attention. Relate with her in that moment without judgment. Be empty, be there, be the space, and relate. This exercise may be the beginning of a shift in your relationship.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been experiencing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting http://consciousevolutionpath.com.

If you would like me to come speak at your seminar, retreat, workshop or event email: gnwaokike@gmail.com.

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Manipulation in Relationships

In order to achieve the desires of the ego, we often end up being manipulative in our relationships. This does not only happen in intimate relationships but in relationship with family members, friends, and colleagues at work. Some people may not be conscious of the fact that their actions are manipulative.

A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. No one likes being manipulated, so when the one being manipulated finds out about the manipulation, the relationship becomes troubled.

Manipulation is not influence. One may try to advance one’s goals with influence but one recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person including the choice not to go along with attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and usually attempts to coerce the other into giving in. A manipulator may appear strong and in control but behind this show, insecurity is often found. With the tendency to exploit others, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

A manipulator does not usually start his manipulation at the beginning of a relationship. What does he gain if the relationship ends immediately? So, the manipulation progresses over time. The manipulator observes the other person’s vulnerabilities and learns how to exploit them.

Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. Full of ego, they believe they will be annihilated if they lose this sense of control. They may display strong self-confidence but that is a compensation for the underlying feeling of insecurity. Their motives being self-serving, they pursue their goals regardless of the cost to the other. They find it difficult to show their vulnerable emotions because to them, this suggests they are not in control. One who is being manipulated may actually be enabling the manipulator. So, if you feel you are being manipulated in your relationship, you may want to sit down and see how you may be encouraging the manipulator unwittingly.

Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of integrity, you may need to consider whether it is worth it to continue in the relationship. There are of course situations where instead of leaving you may have to change the situation. Parent-child relationship is an example.

It is not helpful to try to out-manipulate a manipulator. You will be making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. The relationship will then be a battle between egos and this can in no way be of benefit to you. Instead you open yourself to a continual experience of pain and suffering as you persist in your resistance mode.

You can disable a manipulative behaviour by making a change within yourself. Surrender. Surrendering does not mean you should be okay with the manipulation. Surrendering is more of an internal acceptance than an external resignation. It involves you seeing the situation the way it is. You do not surrender because you like it. You surrender simply because it is and so that you offer no resistance to what is. Surrender, then act. Change the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. Cease to be cooperative with manipulative tactics. Manipulators who keep working hard to maintain control in a relationship without success usually give up by leaving the relationship and looking for someone else to control – until they become conscious.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been experiencing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting http://consciousevolutionpath.com/info/home.

If you would like me to come speak at your seminar, retreat, workshop or event call 08034140381.

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The Ego in Relationship

You have your thoughts, opinions, interpretations, judgments, and experience. All these come against her pattern of thoughts, opinions, interpretations, judgments, and experience, in your relationship with her. What is the result? Misunderstanding, grudges, and bickering. “But it was not like this at the start,” you say.

You remember meeting her for the first time. She was the woman of your dream. Full of your egoic thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, you started a conversation with her. And she responded or rather, her ego responded. A relationship is about to begin. There is talk but no true communication. It is your ego communicating with her ego not your true self communicating with her true self. You are not being real, you are not being you, so you pretend to be who you are not. The same happens with her. You do not meet her, your ego meets her ego.
Ego meets ego and so the egos interact and form a relationship. You call it love but ego love is conditional, possessive, having so much expectations. Love is a state of being but for the ego, it is not so. Love for the ego is a business transaction, “I will give you my attention and resources and you will give me your appreciation and sacrifices.” This is why ego love ends up being a story of negotiation and compromise, a journey of infatuation, lust, and betrayal.

At the centre of our being is God. If we are in alignment with the centre of our being, we are in alignment with God. That is a blissful state. I call it the state of grace. In that state, it is no longer you who lives but God – God lives through you. But the problem is that our mode of living is decentred from the source of our being, we are no longer in alignment with God. A void is created and we feel it as fear. The void gives us anything but peace. Instead of dwelling in God to fill this void and experience peace, we try to fill the void with work, entertainment, pleasures, and other forms of distractions none of which can fill the void even though they can make us feel happy. Needless to say, a relationship cannot fill the void but you have the expectation that your relationship will fill the void, will make you happy.

A true relationship is a communion of beings in love, in love with themselves first. You cannot give what you do not have, so if you want to give or share love, you have to experience the love in you first. If you are in love in yourself and she is love in herself, then the relationship both of you will form will be a communion of love. If you are not in love in yourself and she is not in love in herself, then the relationship becomes a distraction, a distraction that prevents both of you from going within to face that fear created by that void resulting from your decentred mode of living. Instead of dissolving the fear, you compound the fear.

You approached your relationship not with the intent of sharing love but with the intent to win affection and avoid loneliness. With the fear of being alone, you approached her for a relationship. In relationship with her, you will keep dancing on the edge of loneliness, “What if she leaves me?” So you keep doing things and present yourself a certain way so that you can avoid loneliness. You are not being authentic. Whatever you do to avoid loneliness becomes a link that holds the potential to that loneliness you are avoiding. It is a counterproductive way to love. Sensitivity to loss and rejection results in dependency on another person who “completes” you. You complain about not being very close with her and the next minute you worry about the thought of being too close with her. You formed a relationship to battle the turmoil going on inside you. You have not resolved the turmoil. Actually, you want the relationship to do that but it cannot. The relationship has become a distraction. It is a means of escape. When the high of the early stage of the relationship wears off, the turmoil inside you alerts you of its presence. Then you unconsciously blame your partner for not getting rid of your fear. You quarrel and fight. The inner conflict manifests in your external world – as it is within, so it is without.

You did not start out to share love but to steal it. You did not fall in love, you fell in need. The whole drama in your relationship is about you attempting to fill a void with a person. The earlier you realize that person cannot fill that void, the better. How can your peace totally depend on what someone does or does not do? You wanted your partner to show you love by doing something. She did not do it. You got angry and you blame her for getting you angry. You are angry because she did not pretend to want to do what you wanted her to do. Had she pretended, you would be happy. She would have been inauthentic and deceived you, and you would have felt happy. A superficial problem is covering your fear. By not resolving that fear, you compound your sensitivity.

Marriage is a wonderful institution but marriage is being used by many to fulfill the needs of ego. You want to commit, you want to present a ring to her. You like how she makes you feel about yourself. You want to feel more of that and you desire her. You are hooked. You are addicted to a person. You do not realize that and both of you go into marriage. The reason you went into marriage with her is how she makes you feel. That reason will take over your marriage and if you are not careful, that reason will cause your separation. Your ego wants this so that you can feel happy. Her ego wants that so that she can feel secured. The marriage increasingly becomes your ego’s agenda versus hers. Conflict again and again. Mentally you live somewhere and mentally she lives somewhere else. Both of you have not just taken positions, both of you are actively defending your positions at war with each other. So both of you wait for the other’s trigger so as to make a move. At this stage, many couples will agree that the love is gone. No, love is not gone. Love is trapped.

Your ego creates problems. It wants love to solve its problems while it goes on creating new ones. You cannot control people. Stop trying to control her life – her interests, opinions, behaviour, even how she loves you. Let go of that script in your head telling you how she ought to love you. You may then realize that she has been trying to share love with you in ways you have never acknowledged.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been expereincing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting https://steemit.com/@gokike.

If you would like me to come speak at your event, seminar, or retreat on the transformation of consciousness, call 08034140381.

The Ego in Relationship

You have your thoughts, opinions, interpretations, judgments, and experience. All these come against her pattern of thoughts, opinions, interpretations, judgments, and experience, in your relationship with her. What is the result? Misunderstanding, grudges, and bickering. “But it was not like this at the start,” you say.

You remember meeting her for the first time. She was the woman of your dream. Full of your egoic thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, you started a conversation with her. And she responded or rather, her ego responded. A relationship is about to begin. There is talk but no true communication. It is your ego communicating with her ego not your true self communicating with her true self. You are not being real, you are not being you, so you pretend to be who you are not. The same happens with her. You do not meet her, your ego meets her ego.

Ego meets ego and so the egos interact and form a relationship. You call it love but ego love is conditional, possessive, having so much expectations. Love is a state of being but for the ego, it is not so. Love for the ego is a business transaction, “I will give you my attention and resources and you will give me your appreciation and sacrifices.” This is why ego love ends up being a story of negotiation and compromise, a journey of infatuation, lust, and betrayal.

At the centre of our being is God. If we are in alignment with the centre of our being, we are in alignment with God. That is a blissful state. I call it the state of grace. In that state, it is no longer you who lives but God – God lives through you. But the problem is that our mode of living is decentred from the source of our being, we are no longer in alignment with God. A void is created and we feel it as fear. The void gives us anything but peace. Instead of dwelling in God to fill this void and experience peace, we try to fill the void with work, entertainment, pleasures, and other forms of distractions none of which can fill the void even though they can make us feel happy. Needless to say, a relationship cannot fill the void but you have the expectation that your relationship will fill the void, will make you happy.

A true relationship is a communion of beings in love, in love with themselves first. You cannot give what you do not have, so if you want to give or share love, you have to experience the love in you first. If you are in love in yourself and she is love in herself, then the relationship both of you will form will be a communion of love. If you are not in love in yourself and she is not in love in herself, then the relationship becomes a distraction, a distraction that prevents both of you from going within to face that fear created by that void resulting from your decentred mode of living. Instead of dissolving the fear, you compound the fear.

You approached your relationship not with the intent of sharing love but with the intent to win affection and avoid loneliness. With the fear of being alone, you approached her for a relationship. In relationship with her, you will keep dancing on the edge of loneliness, “What if she leaves me?” So you keep doing things and present yourself a certain way so that you can avoid loneliness. You are not being authentic. Whatever you do to avoid loneliness becomes a link that holds the potential to that loneliness you are avoiding. It is a counterproductive way to love. Sensitivity to loss and rejection results in dependency on another person who “completes” you. You complain about not being very close with her and the next minute you worry about the thought of being too close with her. You formed a relationship to battle the turmoil going on inside you. You have not resolved the turmoil. Actually, you want the relationship to do that but it cannot. The relationship has become a distraction. It is a means of escape. When the high of the early stage of the relationship wears off, the turmoil inside you alerts you of its presence. Then you unconsciously blame your partner for not getting rid of your fear. You quarrel and fight. The inner conflict manifests in your external world – as it is within, so it is without.

You did not start out to share love but to steal it. You did not fall in love, you fell in need. The whole drama in your relationship is about you attempting to fill a void with a person. The earlier you realize that person cannot fill that void, the better. How can your peace totally depend on what someone does or does not do? You wanted your partner to show you love by doing something. She did not do it. You got angry and you blame her for getting you angry. You are angry because she did not pretend to want to do what you wanted her to do. Had she pretended, you would be happy. She would have been inauthentic and deceived you, and you would have felt happy. A superficial problem is covering your fear. By not resolving that fear, you compound your sensitivity.

Marriage is a wonderful institution but marriage is being used by many to fulfill the needs of ego. You want to commit, you want to present a ring to her. You like how she makes you feel about yourself. You want to feel more of that and you desire her. You are hooked. You are addicted to a person. You do not realize that and both of you go into marriage. The reason you went into marriage with her is how she makes you feel. That reason will take over your marriage and if you are not careful, that reason will cause your separation. Your ego wants this so that you can feel happy. Her ego wants that so that she can feel secured. The marriage increasingly becomes your ego’s agenda versus hers. Conflict again and again. Mentally you live somewhere and mentally she lives somewhere else. Both of you have not just taken positions, both of you are actively defending your positions at war with each other. So both of you wait for the other’s trigger so as to make a move. At this stage, many couples will agree that the love is gone. No, love is not gone. Love is trapped.

Your ego creates problems. It wants love to solve its problems while it goes on creating new ones. You cannot control people. Stop trying to control her life – her interests, opinions, behaviour, even how she loves you. Let go of that script in your head telling you how she ought to love you. You may then realize that she has been trying to share love with you in ways you have never acknowledged.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been expereincing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting https://steemit.com/@gokike.

If you would like me to come speak at your event, seminar, or retreat on the transformation of consciousness, call 08034140381.

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The Common Dysfunctional Relationship

You have fear, the fear of being alone. Your “aloneness” makes you feel a sense of lack. So you want to hook-up; you want to have a partner. A partner that will be with you in a relationship, an intimate relationship. And you meet the person. The person makes you feel special and happy. There are butterflies in your stomach. You fall in love. You feel alive because someone wants and needs you just as you want and need the person. You feel that the part of you you felt was missing has appeared in your life. The relationship is everything and everything else seems insignificant. The fact that something outside of you has become the centre of your life does not seem to matter to you. But there is something you are not aware of because you are unconscious: you are having an addiction.

You are addicted to the other person. No. You are actually addicted to the image you have of the other person. What you call “falling in love” is really an intensification of egoic wanting and needing. This is not true love. True love has nothing to do with wanting. Think of losing your partner. This creates the fear of loss in you which can manifest as jealousy, possessiveness, control, emotional blackmail. And if your partner does leave you, you find yourself in an intense grief. You get “low.” But you feel low because you have been high. Your addiction to the image you had of your partner acted on you like a drug. Your addiction came about because you unconsciously refused to move through your own pain. So you used a person to cover your pain. In other forms of addiction, substance can be used to cover up pain – drug, alcohol, food. Whether the addiction has to do with substance or someone, it starts with pain and ends with pain.

When the relationship ends you feel pain. The end of the relationship is however not the cause of the pain but you do not know this. The end of the relationship brought out the pain that has been in you. And you feel it intensely. “You broke my heart,” you tell the person. But no, your heart was not broken. Your expectation was broken. You can say that the end of the relationship got you closer to your heart. And you felt the pain has been there all along, covered up by the relationship but there. Every addiction gets to a point where it no longer works for the addict. The addict feels the pain more intensely then.

If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego-need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego’s substitute for salvation, and for a short time it does feel like salvation.

But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the “love relationship” now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner’s own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behaviour, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.¹

Note:
1. Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, 2004, New World Library, Novato, and Namaste Publishing, Canada, pp. 151 – 152.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been expereincing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting https://steemit.com/@gokike.

If you would like me to come speak at your event, seminar, or retreat on the transformation of consciousness, call 08034140381.

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Freedom from Pain

The mind is very powerful. However the mind is a tool, an instrument. It is a tool that should be used when necessary and left when not needed. But the mind is the master of many people. It runs many people’s lives. It has become the master and they are mind-possessed. The mind then uses time to wield its power and dominate them. The mind is so powerful that if you fail to use it creatively, it will creatively sabotage you.
The power of the mind comes from you or rather the loss of you. When you are unconscious, you give attention to your thought which is the product of your mind. A thought that started out as little, used a subtle means to get your attention. It then grew bigger and bigger and has resulted to your pain. You may not be aware of it but you create your own pain.

When you are in pain, when you suffer, you are in resistance; you are resisting what is. You are unconscious, therefore, you are not aware of this. The more identified you are with your mind, the greater the degree of resistance you have for what is, and the greater the intensity of your pain. Understand the egoic mind: it is always seeking to deny the present moment and escape from it. It accomplishes this through the use of time – past and future.

To be free of pain or suffering, you have to be free of the egoic mind. To be free of the mind, you have to be present in the Now. The mind keeps resisting the Now because it perceives the Now as threatening. It uses time – past and future – to remain in control. In fact, time and mind are inseparable. But the Now is timeless. Be still and be in the moment. In the very moment that you are, time does not exist. Your mind does not run your life in the present moment if you are conscious.

The mind is a tool which we need in this world. Time is also necessary for us to function in this world. But the point where the mind and time takes over our lives is where pain and suffering come in.

The mind keeps trying to flee the Now into the past or future. It runs to the past and asks, “What could I have done differently?” It flies to the future and asks, “What can go wrong?” This is how we are dominated by regret, fear, worry, anxiety, and other forms of pain. What the mind is doing then is covering up the present moment with time – past and present. When it succeeds in doing this, your true nature becomes obscured by your mind. You are unconscious, not connected to who you are, not connected to your Being.

How do you stop creating pain for yourself? By making the present moment the primary focus of your life. Use the mind and time when necessary in dealing with the practical aspects of your life situation and when you are done, be present in the moment. In the Now, you neither have past nor future. What you have is the present moment. You experienced the past in the Now and when the future comes, it will come as Now. All you ever have therefore is Now. This is a fact.

You may say that the present moment is unpleasant. But is it? The present moment is what it is. It is as it is. But your mind, conditioned by the past and in judgment of the present moment, has labeled it unacceptable and unpleasant and this is causing you unhappiness. Do not resist the Now. Allow the Now to be. Then watch your mind in action, be the observer of your mind. Bring consciousness to the activity of your mind. Be present. Your consciousness implies acceptance of the Now. And when you are present in the moment, time ceases, your mind therefore loses power and you are free from its mechanics, hence, free from pain.

Do not resist the present moment for if you do your life situation remains the same if not worse. What you resist persists. Accept the present moment and then act. Your action then will have power which goes to change the situation you consider undesirable. Do not fight or work against the present moment. Rather, work with it. When you make the present moment your friend and work with it, you begin the transformation of your life.

I write and speak on the transformation of consciousness. Once your consciousness is transformed, there is a shift inside you. You may not know this consciously when it happens but when it does, something changes deep inside you which you may not be able to explain initially. Your experience of life becomes different. Addiction, anxiety, worry, pain, and other negative things you have been expereincing give way to peace, joy, and love. This is my purpose in the lives of people. You can digest more of my content by going through this thread or visiting https://steemit.com/@gokike.

If you would like me to come speak at your event, seminar, or retreat on the transformation of consciousness, call or WhatsApp 08034140381.