₦airaland Forum

[quote author=Ruby_Pearl link=topic=173975.msg2834765#msg2834765 date=1222049699]You mean my aunt?
Yea, the lady goes to nigeria like every month or so.
Her 2 children stays with their father but comes here every summer.
She just had a baby. I don't think that man dares to cheat on her.
Is he mad? Play with my family? Then he best move out of the town.  
LMAO! I meant the woman.
What if she's gone for days. . . .how does she keep her man in line?[/quote]are you serious.? she should not play with her marriage like that. even if  your family will do somethig later to him after finding out his cheating,  The *deed* has been done,  its a major risk she is taking sha!

[quote author=_Queenisha link=topic=173975.msg2834758#msg2834758 date=1222049481]Having said all this if my man ever disappears for days and weeks without him being gone on work related stuff or if I ever get wind that he's cheating,that's it
I'm gone.
AIDS is real and I refuse to be killed by a third leg.[/quote]hmmn when you finally know. cheaters don't always get caught at their first try, a smart husband wouldn't disappear for no reason. believe man has so much excuses,  however which way i dont want to be the last to know!  i feel you on that!

[quote author=Ruby_Pearl link=topic=173975.msg2834752#msg2834752 date=1222049265]That's what am saying. . . . .What if you can't always be there for him?
What if you don't see him for a week, a month or so?
Is that not when he starts cheating? and how do you prevent that?

One of my distant aunt's husband is in Nigeria. Been like that since I came here. I don't understand that kind of marriage o.[/quote]whoaaa is she kidding me? she must have some kind of faith in a man, but i must tell you, you got to use your head not your heart sometimes. some woman are so much in denial. thinking my husband would not cheat, but then leave him so distance. to me thats the beginning of a broken home,

@oyinye

 I said that years ago , and believe me one day you would have to think about it. The most stressful part of not marrying yet, is when your parents are like,  your friend so so so, just got married,, or remember your friend from childhood . " she has a baby" . I remember when i used to hide my relationship from my parents. Now its like the Talk, so who is your fiance, blah blah blah, and when you are in a long relationship you have to think about it sometimes. i used to be so Naive, thinking " i don't know why people always think of  if this person going to settle down with that person vice versa, until now. then its like an eye opener for me. and its such a serious issue. we really need to learn.  i promise you,  its coming at your door pretty quick!

[quote author=_Queenisha link=topic=173975.msg2834709#msg2834709 date=1222048074]Financial troubles
and sex problems are the 2 biggest causes of marital failures.
lack of communication,being distant,even some verbal and emotional abuse issues stem from the 2 above.
Men especially Igbo men (because I've around them all my life) feel worthless when they can't provide for their family.
They feel like a failure and  I think it applies to other Nigerian men too.
The worst thing a woman can do is remind him of his financial status.
That's the time he needs her encouragement more than anything.
Help him look for a job
Look at ads and point them out.
He may even feel like he's not qualified for them because an inferiority complex has set in.
Men don't verbalise how they feel like we do
But when they hurt,it makes them distant.
Let him know,you are supporting him in this time.

words like
"honey, it's not always going to be this way"
"I know God has a better job for us"

He needs to know that his wife is in this with him.
and never ever ever rub it in that you're the main provider or compare him to other men
You will kill him emotionally and those who can't handle that feeling may  gun you down[/quote]so if you don't tell him to find a job. the burden is on one person's head and that could cause problem, i think some days you might have to let it out, trying to talk nice Always is not going to solve the problem

davidylan:
I would add nagging and selfishness on this list too. nothing turns me off faster than a "me-me first" woman.

what about the compromise you talked about, can't you overlook somethings for the sake of love and marriage. no one is perfect, so you should expect some flaws!

onyinye2:
Like always.

@osisi
How did you know that you were ready to be married? I mean is there a feeling that one gets or do you just feel it in your heart? How do you know that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Who I can share all with, and see him as someone i can bare all burdens with?
Imecha onu kita. You don't know what I can or can not do.

i would like to ask the same question, because a lot of men says " I love you i want to marry you" some of them you love back and some are pest you can't stand!

Hannibal:
Oooooooops, ma bad!!!

Talking about women. . . . . .Some men only want "virgins" because of the presumed innocence that surrounds the word "Virgin".
As soon as they enter the bedroom, he is not really looking forward to the bedroom activities.
Men want innocent/decent women on the outside and a tigress in the bedroom.

I don't have to go that far. . . . .The Naija babes on this island are  

men are confused human being. my conclusion you can never please them  !

davidylan:
With the benefit of hindsight, if i were to go back to being 17 again . . . i'D NEVER test drive till i marry. Its just a bolus of crap . . . a waste of time and unecessary weight on the shoulders of the woman you end up with shld she be a virgin and inexperienced.

Better to fumble around with a woman i truly love from the depths of my heart, afterall we both have "till death do us part" to figure out what pleases us the most.

easier said than done

onyinye2:
What is better than being with a person who knows absolutely nothing. It is a fairytale. They have no expectations, no prior wonderful sexual experiences, no ranked "height" of good sex they have gotten. So the guy is free to do whatever, she has nothing to compare to.

you right another unrealistic ego of overpowerment men can't let go[quote author=KarmaMod link=topic=173975.msg2834638#msg2834638 date=1222046105][/quote]

davidylan:
Someone shld please bail me out here . . . this woman sef.

Some men like women experienced, some don't.
Some men like women who are willing to try anything in bed, some are conservative.
errmmm how do i say this one now?   All women don't "feel" exactly the same, its instinctive . . . you can always tell the subtle differences and yes men do have preferences in that area.

The rest . . . i can't really say at this point . . .  

hmmm you are a freak so we need sex education to please our hubby, some Men tend to like Virgins, so i dont understand what can be so bad not knowing how to

lmaof this is serious

davidylan:
Its not the same o my sister. Lai lai . . . there are women and there are women if you get my drift.  
you're going into marriage praying that she will satisfy you in that area . . . if not God help us all.

lmao.  so explain better.  there are woman and there are woman??  explain further I don;t get you!

queenisha

how long have you been married?

Hannibal:
Well. . . .You have a point.
From a woman's view, it is expected to enjoy it under matrimony.
Besides, ur husband could be crazier about u when u guys first met.
Men like it more at first then the novelty around it stutters a little bit.

You are not in what mood??
After 60 tubers of yam and half a dozen Seaman schnapp??
Errrrrrrrrrrrm, can i get a refund of the brideprice?

why do men even get tired sef.  isnt (RATED R) the same . what the hell is the difference!

stillwater:
Have you ever said No, I'm not in the mood.

good question, !

[quote author=_Queenisha link=topic=173975.msg2834561#msg2834561 date=1222043986]Excellent!
Never a dull moment
actually It's better now than when I first got married.
Personally,it took me a while to get comfortable being with a man due to my CU campus roots
I was not an "experienced" lady going into marriage
and he was a patient man.
Our sex life is a million times better today than then.
I hardly even have to ask for it.
all I need to do is send him a text message thanking him for his tigerly activities that morning and he knows he has to out do himself that night [/quote]whoa thats impressive!

[quote author=_Queenisha link=topic=173975.msg2834534#msg2834534 date=1222043491]Onyinye say God forbid!
3 times to that prayer.
Tufiakwa
You want a man that has the ego of a dove?
don't you know that's the same ego he'll carry to the outside even at the workplace and have everyone walk all over him?
You need at tiger LOL
You need a man that is fearless.[/quote]This is even harder  then  i thought   a tiger?? what if he bullies everyone around and no one likes him esp family and friends.  so its better to have a tiger man that is really strict then a gentle easy going guy?

Another question

  how is sex during marriage?  do you husband still look at you like he did before having a kid ( i mean when your body is tight n aall) how often do you lay down together. is it different after marriage.  when you ask for sex does he turn you down, cause maybe he knows he can get it when he wants

chika98:
One can never fully understand marriage until you get into it.

LOL!! I want to as much as i can, before getting married, cause after marriage as you said it hard to bail out,

Hannibal:
Are u considering the credit crunch?
Couples are pulling resources together now so they can save more.
I don't see nuthing wrong with a live-in lover.

to me there is no difference btw living together and getting married I guess, i mean same logic apart from the ceremony etc

onyinye2:
I guess you have a point about all this. Like seriously. . . . i don't think im cut out for marriage. I'm just too headstrong and what have you for it. I like being control and I don't want to be second hand.

you will want day get married.  I see many ladies desperate of finding a husband. I think when love take over your heart, you may not have a choice

davidylan:
its not different at all. My mom was as independent as you can get and i still saw love, devotion and respect. I don't expect any less from a girl i'll consider as wife because to be honest . . . she can't be more independent than my mom is so there's no excuse.

see what im saying about men ;   How long would it take you to find a woman like your mum, the problems start when you start comparing., the you realized how unsatisfied you are with your partner!

joshjosh:
i think one major problem this generation has is many are coming from broken homes or homes with step this step that relationships that takes ages to explain.  if you come from a home where you saw love and all this non rocket science respect and give and take here and there all this queenisha is saying here will not sound allien.

we all need God and His love to help us prefer our partners more than ourselves.  our natural flesh and mr and mrs flesh always only love itself and no other.

its not about broken home,  my parents are very much together.  This is modern days, the type of love they show eachother is  different from our new generations. In the past women depend on their husband, most of them are stay at home mums  ( which there is nothing wrong with that) but this day and age things are totally different. women is as independent as the man in their lives. so its from a totally different point of view

davidylan:
see as women dey cry because of marriage o. Its good to be a man abeg.

haba! i don't think men have it that easy too.

onyinye2:
I mean seriously it baffles me how much a woman endures in a marriage. It utter surprises me. I mean this marriage thing just puts me back. Cause I don't want to be second hand to anyone. I like being in control. That is just me.
You claim men compromise, but you have yet to give atleast one example.

Understanble.  Us Nigerians know how stressfull it is when you are being pressured by your parents to get married, and it looks like  somethig you "Have to do" no matter what,[quote

author=onyinye2 link=topic=173975.msg2834422#msg2834422 date=1222040850]I mean seriously it baffles me how much a woman endures in a marriage. It utter surprises me. I mean this marriage thing just puts me back. Cause I don't want to be second hand to anyone. I like being in control. That is just me.
You claim men compromise, but you have yet to give atleast one example.
[quote][/quote]i feel  you,  its so hard to know that there is no more you.  adapting to who you are not is a lot of work!  mehn!!! what about the family, the feelings, sex and all those thing that has to be put in place. its so  

queenisha

 you mastered the plan!

Hannibal:
Ya hubby is lucky o.

pls no flirting we are learning o

davidylan:
I feel for you . . . next time come as a man.  

tell us o
But seriously, men do compromise a lot too. If you find a man who loves you with all his heart, you can get him to worship the very ground you walk on if you are intelligent enough.

onyinye2:
Seriously. . . all this marriage talk got me wondering. Cause you are lawfully stick with this one sole person for the REST of your natural born life. And like folk are over her talking about "Compromise" but it seems like the whole "compromise" thing is one sided. Like the wife has to compromise [/i]everything so that as stated [i]"there will be peace." I mean how does one keep their sanity with that. I mean Day in and Day out, you have to compromise so that your husband is happy, and your kids are happy. So what the hell am I? Cause I thought im going to be happy.

i feel you on that one, but i guess thats the way it is,  this thread is such an eye opener,  ***sigh****

queenisha!  

thanks for the advice,  seems like you have to learn to be an actress to enjoy marriage  ,  it doesnt sound easy,  

chika98:
Queenisha: Thank you very much. These people don't even understand what i am on about.

yes i do understand you, im just curious when you said when he hits you n all, I just needed to ask a question!

tRoOE:
[size=13pt]Only a fool will fall into that trap
But we can't blame those ladies, they have this mentality that if the cook, clean and sleep with them, it might give them a ticket to the aisle
@the last sentence
True talk, lot of women have made that mistake  [/size]

i agree with that though.  but then some people said its better to live with your man so you can know if you can tolerate him  

chika98:
That's all you understood from reading that??

abuse is a serious issue, its a big part of it

[quote author=_Queenisha link=topic=173975.msg2834321#msg2834321 date=1222038502]I have quite a few divorced friends and we talk.
Let me say this for all the young girls.
There is absolutely nothing your husband will do at marriage that he didn't show signs of when you were dating
If he cheats,he probably cheated or showed signs of that and gave you explanations that made no sense but you accepted it, blinded by love.
If he's a selfish and wicked person,he definitely dispalyed those behavious and we overlooked them.

Every girl has to decide what she can orcannot deal with in marriage and have the courage to call it quits at courtship.
I did it!
I broke an engagement after 2 years of courtship and I'll do it again![/quote]Good one! so you have to watch every step as soon as you know that person you want to be with.  what if a guy proposes unexpectedly and you said yes. and you really never watched him like that  i dunno how to put it, but this is a tough one,