₦airaland Forum

. brb

tatiana009: Even if she wanted to marry by fire by Force is it not this same society that pushes women to that point. YOu should have seen the comments on Rita Dominic's birthday, instead for people to wish her well their only interest was that she isn't married and her life is a "waste"! Imagine! If a woman complains about certain traits in her boyfriend all she will hear is how she's too choosy and all men are babies and blah blah.
Women must learn to be strong and withstand all the pressure because at the end of the day, the amebos will go to their homes and she will be left to deal with whatever problems she finds herself in.

@ iamsaved,you can ask one of your younger ones or cousin to come and help since you can't afford a maid yet,at least till you give birth. Even if you plan to leave him next year you have to ensure that you take care of yourself rigth now first. Abeg o, you owe your kids that because God forbid anything happens to you he will just marry another woman and your kids will be the ones to suffer. No man is worth that.

My sister I tire oooo. I know better now. Thanks to this thread.

tatiana009: Even if she wanted to marry by fire by Force is it not this same society that pushes women to that point. YOu should have seen the comments on Rita Dominic's birthday, instead for people to wish her well their only interest was that she isn't married and her life is a "waste"! Imagine! If a woman complains about certain traits in her boyfriend all she will hear is how she's too choosy and all men are babies and blah blah.
Women must learn to be strong and withstand all the pressure because at the end of the day, the amebos will go to their homes and she will be left to deal with whatever problems she finds herself in.

@ iamsaved,you can ask one of your younger ones or cousin to come and help since you can't afford a maid yet,at least till you give birth. Even if you plan to leave him next year you have to ensure that you take care of yourself rigth now first. Abeg o, you owe your kids that because God forbid anything happens to you he will just marry another woman and your kids will be the ones to suffer. No man is worth that.

My sister I tire oooo. I know better now. Thanks to this thread.

What gives you the impression that she will want to reconcile with you? You may probably be dead to her. Bringing a child to this world is not easy talkless of raising one.

Abeg stop feeling important and do what debrief has suggested.

4tunebest: Madam abeg let us hear word. Will you Say that you didnt see these traits in him when you guys were dating? You wanted to marry him by fire by force, so please deal with it. Please women should deal with the unbearables during courtship and save us these numerous stories of woe on Nairaland

lol at by fire by force as if you were there. Funny.

Firstly @op abeg sorry oooo. I have practically hijacked your thread. Its a sort of eye opener for me and a wake up call.

To all the ladies above, thank you for your advice.

I love my life oooo, so so much but the situation I found myself in is quite a terrible one.
I never choosed to be a super woman or slowly kill myself with work. As a matter of fact last month, I discussed with a family friend (his friend) all this issue of house work and how my husband's attitude is really destroying our marriage. The man adviced both of us even gave examples of how he makes himself useful in his home but well my hubby is the type that "if word enter from one ear, e go fly commot for the other".

The man told him to be pampering me, that as a pregnant woman, i need lots of rest, petting etc etc but my hubby told him flat out that "he is not used to mills and boom kind of life". In other words, he doesn't know how to pamper a woman or see the need why he should do it.

I have talked, begged, pleaded, complained but he just refused to help out. I won't kill him you know or continue to quarrel/nag.


The bad part is that now, I have grown this dislike for him. I no longer see myself as a Mrs. I cant wait dor next year to come.


*how do I fall in love with such a man?
*how do I have respect for him?
*is this not slavery?
*does this sound like a marriage or union?

The work is not even that much if am getting help from him.
Yesterday when he was travelling, I was happy (imagine). I even wished he will extend his stay to weeks!

It is well.

bellong: ^^^ Your husband needs a serious scolding if the routine above is true. How on earth will he leave you to do all those stuff, even if you are a full time housewife you still need help from him.

Na wa for some men oo

@bellong, its not a nollywood movie script. This is my life.

slimyem: iamsaved is the lady whose husband is always running away from home...

hahahahahah. Ontop all this slavery ooooo. God is in control sha.

Will discuss the house maid issue with my mum today. Even as i am typing this, my body is weak. Its well. When a woman unfortunately ends up with a man who sings; its the wife that does this and that and refuses to assist, she won't kill the man na. Anyway, I have my plans and I can't next yead for it to materialize. MARRIAGE!

I put up that stuff there mainly cos of the op. He has to know what its like for women when husbands like him refuse to assist their wives. Women are not slaves but your partners.

In my situation, my hubby is just plain wicked, yes I said it. Even when he sees me at my weakest point like when I was terribly sick in early pregnancy, he never cared. Anyway he believe into slave trade marriage but well I have my plans. I am just waiting it out since I am pregnant.

this thread is not about me. let me not talk too much.

@op, this Is my typical daily routine. .
I am a "married" women who is currently pregnant and have a toddler.
I work 8am to 6pm Monday to Saturday in a private organisation while hubby works with government.

5am: wakes up, says morning prayer, brushes my teeth and head straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and lunch for my toddler baby.
6:30am, wakes baby up. brushes his teeth, feed him cereal, put him on the potty, stays with him to pet him to poopoo inside the potty (doesn't like using it). After cleaning him up, I bath him and get him set for his daycare.

7:20: I eat breakfast, tidy up the house, clean up an get ready for work.

I take baby to day care and proceed to work.

By the time I get to work, I am already 1hr late. This happens every blessed day.

By 5pm, pick baby from daycare and take him to my work place till I close by 6pm, then we go home.

Most times I go to the market from work to buy few stuffs.

As soon as I get home, I prepare and give baby food. Then sweat it out in the kitchen preparing dinner. depending on what I am cooking, I finish cooking most times between 8.30 - 9pm. serve hubby his food, eat mine, wash up all the plates. while cooking, every 3minutes interval, I take baby to the toilet or potty to weewee (he is still learning how to weeeee without pampers).

10pm: I bathe and go to bed. The struggle continues in the morning. same routine.

THIS IS MY HUSBANDS ROUTINE.
7:30am: he wakes up, go straight to clean up himself. Brush his teeth, baths and get set for work.

Eats breakfast and leaves for work.

7pm: he is at home, pings and chat and watch movies till dinner is ready. After eating, he bathes, continue watching movie, chatting and pings till 11pm.

Now I have begged, begged and begged he should assist me in the m
morning to bath our baby and dress him up for school but he refused. Said its a woman's duty to do everything in the home including solely caring for the children.

Infact last two weeks, I discusses this same issue with
him, explained to him how my boss has been complaining of my lateness. He shoul at least be considerate but he said i should go and ask other married women how to cope.

I dont have to go in too deep to expiain how thi his particular behaviour has affected me. I see myself now as a single mother! and oh I contribute financially to the home.

on sunday is busiest, church h, market, wash clothes, prepare soups and stew. no rest.

Cant afford to get a maid now. No much money!
Op if this is your idea of marriage, you need to think again. brb

Guyman02: Please can you summarise the most important tips and suggestions (contributions from Nlers you like most) so that others can learn from them. Dont just walk away like that after Nlers have spent their time on your issue. Thanks as you do so.

Ok Boss. I de come. will take a while sha.

Before this thread was moved to the front page, i already finalized on what to do but all the same I have picked more advice, tips and suggestions from the recent posts.

Once again, thanks everyone for your various contributions. It is well.

eagle,eye:
As pointed out by Efe, this story maybe fake or the woman in question is not telling the whole story or she, her people or the man's family forced the man into the union by hook or crook. EOD.

I wish you will act like your username.

@uju, the pregnancy came unexpected. After the reconciliation, I tried all I could to avoid getting pregnant. We did HIV test though but since we were back as husband and wife, sex was inevitable. I tried my best to make sure I avoided pregnancy by mastering my ovulation because I was still studying him since we just reconciled. When I discovered I was pregnant, believe me I was not happy about it (God forgive me). Still d and c wasn't an option. I never wanted to get pregnant within the first 6months but it just happened. I am not making excuses for myself. I just feel trapped because with his latest drama, I would have finally given up.

@all,points noted.

I will work on myself
Maybe we both will have a long long talk. Possibly this weekend, will need to explore all options available on how we can avoid the reocurrence of events of the past and I will specifically tell him to highlight out all I am doing and have done so I will work on myself.

As for the forgiveness and loving him part, sincerely I am trying and I believe after this weekend, there will be a change.

Thank you all so much.

Points to note;

**my hubby is the type that likes the easy way out in any situation, not marriage only

**after we got married, he once said that he is suprised he is a married that He is not really the marriage/family type.

**he doesn't like anything, I mean anything at all that will be like stress to him. For instance: the reason he stopped going to redeem church is because redeem is #30 bike from our new location. He joined another church just a short walking distance to and from home because going to redeem will be stressful to him. He doesn't own a car.


**he has always been extravagant, doesn't believe in saving money. Always in one debt or the other while i am the exact opposite in this regard.

Now the thing is this; as much as i want to work on my marriage and make things better for us, I still donot want to put all my eggs in one basket. I am trying to be careful here. If not that I had a job the other time, how would i have been able to cope with pregnancy? I would have ended up as a liability to my parents.

Don't get me wrong, I am optimistic that things will work out well for us eventually and infact we will celebrate 10yrs marriage anniversary one day. But I am scared of the unknown. A man that abandons his pregnant wife without his conscience pricking him should be feared. When he came with his family, my uncles asked him repeatedly to tell them what it was I did that made him to abandon me. My hubby was tongue tied, he couldn't say any thing in particular but promised heaven and earth that such action will not repeat itself again. Now imagine the shock my family will have if they find out he wanted to do same thing last week. This is why I am worried and kind of scared
I just want to start preparing for the inevitable because truth is no matter how wonderful i am, no matter how much I try to work on our marriage, if he plans to Ben Johnson again, he will do it. OK let me give you guys a shocker: I "luckily" read a face book chat between him and his best friend where he told his best friend that he is planning to relocate to the US and oh of course without us! When I confronted him, he said its just an ordinary meaningless chat, that he didn't mean the stuffs he said in the chat.

Now to the questions raised:

**his parents are late.
**he is not rich oooooooooooo. A Government worker. I make sure he pays our son's daycare fee and he provides for the family the way he can while I support.
**I am not dependent on him in any way apart from the feeding money he brings which I also add to. When he first abandoned me with my first pregnancy, I took care of myself Well with my little income earning job both ante-natal and all
Even after I put to birth, he didn't come nor showed financial responsibility till my baby was over a year when he came to do the begging thing.
**honestly I am still hurting from the past
Though I have forgiven him but most times i just feel like I am not supposed to be here with this man because of all what he did on the past. The only reason I came back is because of my child. I felt like I owed it to him to give the marriage another try so he will be a proper family environment.

Deep down in me, I do not love my husband and my he knows it and he does not care if I do or not. I do not rub it on his face sha. I tell him that I want to love him again since he is my husband, that he should make me fall in love with him. But he is just an expert at his game.

He loves bachelorhood with passion.

I sincerely want to work on the marriage and see how things can b better but be is fond of drawing us back and causing problems for us. Some of the girls he dated while we were seperated are still on his regular call list. I have talked, his brother has talked that he should do away with them so that he will concentrate on our marriage but he says he won't just forget them like that. There is a particular girl that calls regularly, we have had issues because of this same girl but he just won't respect our marriage and cut off communication with her and others.

Thank you all so much for your various contributions. That is why I love nairaland. It presents an opportunity to to have various degrees of free useful advice. Different people with different opinions, solutions and inputs. I appreciate you guys so much and as Chaircover will always say, sift through all the advices given and take the once you find useful and applicable. Thanks.

Abeg I wan sleep I go answer the remaining kweshions tomorrow. Goodnight everyone.

@Efe, where did I mention that i want to divorce my hubby? Anyway I am already used to you twisting peoples post into your own version to suit yourself so let me just ignore you. I just don't want this thread and its topic derailed sha.
This is a serious issue to me and as much as I appreciate your input, please don't assume anything for me OK.


***no, he only mentioned about his growing up incidence after marriage.

*** we dated briefly but it was a distance relationship.

***women may be involved but I know one thing for sure, he once said that he deliberately causes problem for us so that he will have the opportunity to do what he likes. Yes, he said it.

The thing I want from nairaland is tips on how i can start preparing myself financially in case it happens again. I work and earn #45k. How much should I start saving monthly, how do i protect myself and my kids future? are my really in a marriage?

I have zero ed my mind that if it happens again, it will be the final straw.

Let me throw more light on the situation so you guys will feel me.

My hubby is the fine type that believes he is too handsome and that girls will always rush him and he can get married to a thousand and one girls if he chooses to so cos of this, he does not see d need to work on our marriage.

Maybe my choice of word in my opening post is wrong, when I said mild to heavy arguments, what I mearnt is ur normal marriage issues. OK let me give you an example: when we reconciled, my baby was a little over a year toddler whom be never saw even after I gave birth. After the reconciliation and his family visit, of course we starter living together again. I secured a job and had to be droppin my baby off in a daycare centre. One day I was busy in the kitchen and Nepa suddenly brought back the light which was off for some days so I quickly brought out just 3of our son's short leave shirt and pleaded with him to iron them before they take the light again. Well he bluntly refused, said how can he iron a little child's shirt, thy the child should be the one ironing his clothes! that I want to turn him to a laundry boy! na me de wash the clothes ooooooo. He proceeded to switch on the TV and watch a movie. Of course I jadvto squeeze out little time from the kitchen to iron the shirts myself and that is how it has been. He sees it as a taboo to wash our son's clothes even to assist me take care of him (bathing only)in the morning during work rush, he doesn't.

This is what I mearnt by argument in my opening post. He has always acted like this and when I get angry (abeg who wouldn't?), he would start threatening to leave the house and I would start begging him not to.

With the way efemena is attacking me, one would think I am her worst enemy. Anyway, this is nairaland.

sheniqua: Did he come from a polygamist home and saw his father perambulate from home to home after arguments
He may be modeling the only thing he knows
When it gets rough you run to the other woman or just run
Na wa
Please cut him loose before he transfers the same demons to your sons
Allow him to.run off and close your door.,

A man tells you he ran away from home for 5 years because he was asked to sweep the compound and you picked him as a life partner and presented him to your parents as their son in law

A man leaves you 2 weeks after your wedding to return 4 months later and you are having babies with him
Where did you think he went to?
A retreat?
AIDS is real,you better wake up and smell the coffee

You hit the nail right on the head! Polygamous home of 30children with 7wives. One thing that bothers me is how he is always blaming his parents for his nature of life.

Please @Efe kindly go back and re-read my opening post again. U sabi twist words sha.

@Efe did you read my post well? Its not about my pregnancy, I don't do all you mentioned. What I mearnt by arguement is normal marital disagreements and it doesn't happen everytime.
The way you described and changed the entire story seems like you are the original writer.

Quite alot to say but this is the most disturbing part. Should I prepare myself for the inevitable? should I inform my parents that my husband is still the same run-away soldier?

I am extremely confused at this point as I need to plan my future and my kid(s) future.

We have been married for 4years now, blessed with a child and expecting the second. For weired and unexplained reasons, my hubby is fond of abandoning our home whenever we have mild to heavy misunderstanding. He first abandoned me 2weeks after wedding over a minor arguement, came back, 4months later after wedding, same thing for one month and finally when I was pregnant with our first child over a little misunderstanding but this time for a long time. Yes I know it sounds funny. We reconciled late last year after he came with his family to beg, my major reason of going back being cos of my child. Now am some months pregnant and he attempted to leave again last two weeks. It was his friend who stopped him from leaving. During the meeting held last, Hia friend asked him exactly the reason he keeps doing that, he said he just doesn't want wahala or stress.

This didn't start with me, he once said he ran away from home for 5years when he was in his early 20s cos his mum was telling him to o house chores.

I regret reconciling with him. If I wasn't pregnant, I know i would have walked out finally since its still the same thing happening all over again.
I am scared for my future and the future of my kids.