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Cristiano Ronaldo has been named Europe's Best Player for the second time after beating Gareth Bale and Antoine Griezmann to the 2015-16 honour.

Ronaldo's heroics for Euro 2016 winners Portugal and Champions League victors Real Madrid last term earned him the prize announced in Monaco.

The presentation was made after Real were drawn in the Champions League's Group F for this season with Legia Warsaw, Borussia Dortmund and Sporting Lisbon on Thursday night.

Ronaldo had already seen off competition from rival Lionel Messi in the previous stage of voting, which decided the final three shortlist.
UEFA via Getty Images EFA Best Player in Europe Award nominee's, (L-R) Gareth Bale, Christiano Ronaldo and Antoine Griezmann
Ronaldo (centre) won the vote ahead of Gareth Bale (left) and Antoine Griezmann

He and the Argentinean are now the only two players to have won the prize twice. Ronaldo won it following the 2013-14 season while Messi was the first winner in 2010-11 and the holder from last year.

The award was chosen after journalists from UEFA's 55 member associations were asked for their own five choices as the best player in the continent last season.

Ronaldo was then named with Bale and Griezmann in the final three and went into Thursday night's gala as the raging favourite.
UEFA via Getty Images
Ronaldo is greeted by fans ahead of the ceremony in Monaco on Thursday night

Ronaldo said: "It’s a great honour and thanks to the journalists for voting for me.

"My team-mates are the key - they are the key every year. I work hard myself but without the help of my team-mates this would not be possible. Thanks to my team-mates from Real Madrid and Portugal.

"I have to mention Portugal because it was the first in their history. It was different because I’ve won the Champions League three times. To win something with Portugal was the highlight of my career.”

UEFA via Getty Images UEFA Best Player in Europe Award nominee Gareth Bale arrives
Bale gives the thumbs up as he arrived the underdog for the award in Monaco
UEFA via Getty Images UEFA Best Player in Europe Award nominee Antoine Griezmann
Atletico Madrid's Antoine Griezmann rounded out the final three for the gong

UEFA says the award is set to "recognise[s] the best player, irrespective of his nationality, playing for a football club within the territory of a UEFA member association during the previous season".

Bale was a strong contender for his work with Real and leading Wales to the Euro semi-final while Atletico's Griezmann top scored at this summer's Championships for the final losers.
Cristiano Ronaldo of Portugal kisses the Henri Delaunay trophy to celebrate after their 1-0 win against France in the UEFA EURO 2016 Final match between Portugal and France at Stade de France on July 10, 2016 in Paris, France. (
Ronaldo kisses the Henri Delaunay trophy after Portugal's Euro 2016 victory
The star striker spent most of the final on the sideline but was a presence even incapacitated

Messi's teammate Luis Suarez also beat him coming in fourth also after scoring 40 goals as Barcelona won La Liga.

Rounding out the top 10 was Bayern Munich's Thomas Muller and Manuel Neuer, Juventus keeper Gianluigi Buffon and Real Madrid's Toni Kroos and Pepe.

Also on Thursday night, Norway striker Ada Hegerberg was presented the Best Women’s Player in Europe award.
UEFA via Getty Images
UEFA Best Womens Player in Europe winner Ada Hegerberg (left) with Dzsenifer Marozsan

The 21-year-old produced 13 goals and four assists for Olympique Lyon in the nine games which lead to their Women’s Champions League triumph last season.

Hegerberg's strikes included the early opener in the final against Wolfsburg, which Lyon won on penalties.



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Funny Jokes[color=#770077][/color]

This morning I mistakenly transfered N200k to a wrong phone number via GTB mobile money transfer.
After thinking of a way to stop the person from withdrawing the money,

I came up with an idea of sending a text message to the person’s phone number saying:::

“””Hello dark and worthy initiate, I hope you’re OK. I believe you have received the money I sent to you….
It’s for your initiation into the eternal mystical order of glorious satanism in the ogboni fraternity scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. That money is only for your transport. I’ll send you more for shopping.

There are riches awaiting you in this kingdom. Two weeks after the initiation, a family member very close to your heart will die, this will unlock your ticket to wealth and you will have the ability to fly at night to any part of the world. Thanks in advance.

Buh in case you’re not ready to join, please send back the money immediately to avoid ur sudden death.”””
Five minutes later, I got an SMS saying::

“Please send another N600k, three of my friends are also interested.”

Akpos’ WAEC result is Finally Out.

The following conversation ensued between he and his father:

Papa Akpos: Akpos,I learnt your WAEC result is out.
Akpos: Daddy, you remember Arthur who used to emerge first in our class at the end of every term ? he failed. .
Papa Akpos: That’s terrible,what happened?

Akpors: You also remember Izzy who used to tutor me in the house? He failed too
Papa Akpos: what’s with the poor performance?
Akpos: Daddy I don’t know. That’s how it is.
Even Kelvin who won the Cowbell Science and Maths competition failed.
Papa Akpos: so how was your own result?
Akpos : You also remember Osas our senior prefect? He failed too.
Papa Akpors: (Angrily) Boy, tell me about your own result!!
Akpos : (angrily) If all those people
failed, do you expect me to pass? Am I a wizard?

Man Arrested For Killing Brother And Burying Body In A Bush

A man identified as Mr. Chukwudi Mmaduakor has been arrested by the police for allegedly killing his younger brother. According to a post shared yesterday by Chinedu Akwaeke via Umuchu Alanso Details Facebook Page:

"Happening live in Umuchu"""""""" No peace for a wicked man" Mr chukwudi mmaduakor from ibughubu Umuchu was arrested yesterday for allegedly killing of his 18 years brother mr chinecherem mmaduakor secretly in 2015 and buried him secretly with the help of his two friends from Akwa Ibom state, they buried chinecherem along ibughubu/Umunze bush.

The suspect (chukwudi mmaduakor) was arrested by Umuchu divisional police head quarter yesterday and after all the intelligent interviews by D.P.O (Mr Ojo Anthony Olusola- 09033339691) Mr Chukwudi mmaduakor confesses that he is the one that kill his brother chinecherem and he also took the police men to the bush where he buried him secretly since last year and his bones was

Recovered. The said Chukwudi mmaduakor was transfer to HOMICIDE SECTION (SCID) Awka for more discreet investigation. What a wicked world.................. Kudos to our D.P.O Mr Ojo Anthony Olusola and his teams. Pls let's thank them for this wonderful intelligent work for us... Thank u Sir"

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Written by: Fati,

A true story from an acquaintance....

I was driving down a street along Alausa, having just finished answering a call, when a LASTMA official, suddenly, opened the passenger door, entered and jam-locked it. (The door's lock is faulty)

As usual, he wanted 'something' from me for calling while driving...
Suddenly, he saw the big Rothweiller dog, Jackie, at the back seat of the car, with tongue stuck out, spittle dripping and fangs barring, staring fiercely at him.

LASTMA Official: (Shaking) Ah! You carry dog?

Me: (I bone my face) Yes, I carry dog. Dat one na offense?

LASTMA Official: (Feeling uncomfortable) Na where una dey come from?

Me: From hospital.

LASTMA Official: Ehen! you sick?

Me: No, na person wey the dog bite we go see. The person almost die sef.

LASTMA Official: (Terribly shaken by now) Ehen! But why the dog dey shake head like that?

Me: Na so im dey do if e wan bite person.

LASTMA Official: The dog know you?

Me: Yes nah, no be my dog?

LASTMA Official: (Sweating) This your door, how you dey open am?

Me: How you take enter?

LASTMA Official: Abeg! Na since I dey try open am, but e no open. (The dog was now getting impatient and gave a small growl, its tongue almost touching the policeman's left ear).

LASTMA Official: (Now sliding forward) Oga, I take God beg you, open the door for me make I comot. I no go collect anything from you.

Me: How much you go pay me?

LASTMA Official: Ah! I neva hustle anything since morning. Na only N1,000 dey wit me.

Me: You neva ready. (I looked back at the dog).

LASTMA Official: Ok ok ok ok ok, e reach N2,000. The oda N1,000 na my wife own, but I go give you join. (Now, close to tears as the dog was becoming really impatient) Oga, I be......g, Oga, sorry. Take the N2,000 make you open the door plssssssse!

Me: Oya, bring am. (I collected the N2,000 & allowed him out of the car)

LASTMA Official: God punish you. Idiot, e no go ever better for you and your yeye dog. Wicked man!!!.



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Writen by: Icepick kells, Lagos Nigeria

A very successful naija man parked his new lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his collegues, as he got out a trailer passed too close and completety tore off the door, the man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the police, and they arrived. before the officer could say anything the man was scereaming hysteriacally, my lexus!, my lexus!, will never be the same again no matter what the panel -beater did to it, the officer just loked at the man in disgust and shook his head, i cant beleieve how materialistic you are, he said, you are soo focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else. how can you say such a thing? asked the man. dont you know that your left arm is missing from your elbow down, it must have been torn off when the truck hit you..........., oh my God replied the man, "MY ROLEX" wrist watch.

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When we were young, innocent and free, when nothing else mattered to us except to laugh and win a particular game, when Facebook, twitter etc are not in existence, when technological advancement is no where to be found. these are the attractions that kept us growing strong and wild.. See some below;

I think I did almost half of them.

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There is no service in my room, So i decide to climb this Electric pole to make call and many people are shouting on me,
PLS, Did he do the wrong thing ?

To surprise her husband an executive’s wife decided to stop by his office. On entering the office, she saw the secretary on her husband’s laps.

In order to defend himself the husband said “budget cut or no budget cut management must do something. I and my secretary cannot be sharing this office with just a single seat


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A Catholic Priest (Nigerian) was dying in a hospital and asked the Doctor to call a POLICE Officer & a POLITICIAN. Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed. The priest held their hands and kept quiet. The guys were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politician asked, 'But why did you call us? ' The priest gathered all his strength and said, 'Jesus died between two thieves.. I want to go the same way!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't break the smile, pass on.

71
I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)

72
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)

73
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)

74
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)

75
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. (David Letterman)

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20 Collection of Naija Funny Jokes

50
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?"

51
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

52
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" (Jack Handey)

53
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

54
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

55
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

56
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)

57
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

58
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)

59
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)

60
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)

61
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

62
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)

63
The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)

64
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

65
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

66
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

67
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)

68
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

69
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

70
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)

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Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?[color=#000099][/color]

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Source: www.icepickkells..com.ng[color=#990000][/color

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"


Source: www.icepickkells..com.ng

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

Thank

Read More at: www.Icepickkells..com.ng[i][/i]

11
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother

asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,"

he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’

French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.

Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he

says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

12
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one

day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

(Jackie Mason)

13
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears

in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and

begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of

sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are

you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the

bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

14
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms,

and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are

standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no

again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with

shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says,

"I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and

starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's

over. Everyone back on your heads!"

15
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words

every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask

for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more

years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his

throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.

They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising,"

the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

16
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about

to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he

said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you

religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are

you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of

God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you

original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,

reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He

said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic

scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

17
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands

their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out

their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s

that $20 I owe you," he says.

18
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second

opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

19
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell

your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for

$3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says

‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He

obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it

down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The

dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a

card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes

easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another

card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice

commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit

me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-

fucking-believable!"

20
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie.

He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace

in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm

sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have

another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral

sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and

then says "How would you define peace?"

21
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge

wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only

grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy

back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

(Myron Cohen)

22
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are

you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned

the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

23
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's

snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and

promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes

"Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you

think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

24
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m

thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in

the future. (Richard Jeni)

25
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to

someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re

dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

26
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent

image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe

laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

27
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

28
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night

before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to

Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

29
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three

and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices

it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a

truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain

spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the

ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over

the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks

at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna

Bleep around?"

30
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was

locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He

goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)



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"Funniest Joke Of The Week"

1

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


2

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"


3

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

4

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

5

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

6

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a Mouth Gig." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

7

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

8

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

9

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

10

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"


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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot[color=#000099][/color]
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due ...Read More

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Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
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This is This cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
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NOW READ THE THIRD WORD IN ALL THE SENTENCES.

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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. ...Read More

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A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched ...Read More :icepickkells..com

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