₦airaland Forum

[b][/b]What if you discover your husband is an armed robber? continue on www.penchant.com.ng

What if you discover your husband is an armed robber? continue on www.penchant.com.ng[b][/b]

What if you discover your husband is an armed robber? continue on www.penchant.come.ng

For the man:
For the third time in a week, you have had to eat dinner outside because of official engagements. But missus, like most wives, does not like her man to have eaten before coming home. So you arrive home this evening starving. But there is no dinner for you. What would you do?

a) Quietly sneak into bed to avoid a quarrel.
b) Humbly ask her to prepare a meal for you.
c) Pretend you didn’t notice and tell her how your day has been.
d) Go out and grab a meal.

continue on www.penchant.com.ng

For the man:
For the third time in a week, you have had to eat dinner outside because of official engagements. But missus, like most wives, does not like her man to have eaten before coming home. So you arrive home this evening starving. But there is no dinner for you. What would you do?

a) Quietly sneak into bed to avoid a quarrel.
b) Humbly ask her to prepare a meal for you.
c) Pretend you didn’t notice and tell her how your day has been.
d) Go out and grab a meal.

For the woman:
You married a man who loves toothpicks so much so he uses them even before he has eaten. In fact, your friends think toothpick is part of his lips. How would you curb this embarrassment?

a) Hide all the toothpicks in the house.
b) Wait for the time he comes home from work hungry and serve him toothpicks.
c) Soak and dry the toothpicks in hot pepper and hope he learns his lesson.
d) Simply tell him it’s a bad thing to be known for toothpicks and hope he listens.

continue on www.penchant.com.ng

Jumping Queues as an Art
It’s been said that Nigerians are a people in a hurry, but so is the rest of the world. We all desire things in a jiffy and if it were possible, stuff a full month into a week. Not to worry, we are working at it. Therefore it is not surprising that when we are in a place that requires that we exercise a little patience, we scoff at whatever authority wrote that law. Not stopping there, we look at those who wait with disdain. Mumu, we call them.
For those who do not know, queue-jumping, is an art. It requires- surprisingly- a certain finesse, and sometimes, outright brashness. And to be good at this you need practice. And this is how:
continue on www.penchant.com.ng

MR & MRS FOOD QUIZ [2]

1. For the man:
You’ve always wanted a wife who can cook, but you ended up with one who cannot. She serves you food she buys from eateries, but you think it is avoidable waste of resources, and need to put a stop to that. What would you do?
a) Broach the issue with her and tell her how you feel.
b) Send her back home to her momma to learn cooking lessons.
c) Live with it and hope she would change.
d) Buy her cookery books and hope that will help her improve.

2. For the woman:
Your man prides himself in his impeccable table manners. Yet today during breakfast with your next-door neighbors, he makes slurping sounds while drinking his tea. What would you do?
a) Tell him he is embarrassing you and ask him to go eat elsewhere
b) Pretend you didn’t hear the irritating sounds and continue eating.
c) Pointedly tell him you think the sound is upsetting the guests.
d) Try and change the subject.

continue on www.penchant.com.ng

8 signs that show your woman may have done a Caitlyn on you:
Heavy lifting: Does your woman lift heavy things easily- things you find yourself panting over? Women are not built that way, except those that work with heavy weights or who were once men! continue on www.penchant.com.ng

MR & MRS FOOD QUIZ [2]

1. For the man:
You’ve always wanted a wife who can cook, but you ended up with one who cannot. She serves you food she buys from eateries, but you think it is avoidable waste of resources, and need to put a stop to that. What would you do?
a) Broach the issue with her and tell her how you feel.
b) Send her back home to her momma to learn cooking lessons.
c) Live with it and hope she would change.
d) Buy her cookery books and hope that will help her improve.
For more quizzes, visit www.penchant.com.ng

It’s My Body, So What?
A certain type of sickness is ravaging people on the social media. And they don’t seem to know it. Oyibos would call it egocentricity, but in simple Naija term, it is called ‘overdo’. And the rest of the world is applauding and endorsing them with unending ‘likes’.
Yes, we seem to be cool with seeing a young, beautiful and pregnant woman showing off her protuberance...continue on www.penchant.com.ng

When the gods are roused
Recently a British woman, Eleanor Hawkins was arrested by the Malaysian authorities for posing naked on a sacred mountain and purportedly causing an earthquake that killed 18 people. Yes, arrested for causing an earthquake with her unclothedness.
We all think we know about gods, but we don’t. Gods as we know them are objects of worship by people who are foolish enough to ascribe power to them. Malaysian gods are a special breed. These guys are randy and at night when the rest of humanity is snoozing, these guys read Playboy and watch porn movies. How else...continue on www.penchant.com.ng

Mad People and Nigerians
IT HAS KOM TO THE NOTICE OF OUR HIGHLY ESTIM OGANIZASHON DAT THE REST OF THE POBLIC, HAV KONTINEW TO REFAR TO US AS MAD PEOPLE AND WE WISH TO USE THIS MEDIOM TO WARN DEM TO STOP HENCEFORT.
WE AR NOT MAD, YOU SO-CALLED NORMA PEOPLE AR MAD! HOW? continue on www.penchant,com.ng

Did I hear someone say the world is coming to an end? Rightly so. Gay groups now boldly wave placards and scream for their rights. Did I say rights? Actually wrongs. Wrongs because the Bible says so. Wrongs because I cannot for the life of me understand what a man would find sexually attractive in another male body. continue reading on www.penchant.com.ng

[RELIGION]
Of Goats and Goatherds
I am tired of hearing people complain of how some pastors are misleading their followers. Truth is: someone has to lead and someone has to be misled. We all cannot be leaders and we all cannot be followers. Again we all do not have to apply our God-given intelligence twenty-four-seven to determine, say, when, how and why we are being misled. continue reading on www.penchant.com.ng

[SOCIAL]
Putting Words in His Mouth
Just because the IGP said Nigerian police officers are the least corrupt in the country, everyone is ready to take up arms. He will neither be the first nor the last person that will be misunderstood by a censorious public. Did I say misunderstood? Oh yes I did. And permit me to stand in for this gentleman as counsel for the defendant...continue reading on www.penchant.com.ng

Nigerians have a lot to thank God for. No earthquakes, ask Kathmandu with its recent disaster and death toll of nearly 4000. No typhoons, ask Philippines; no cyclones, ask Myanmar; no landslides, ask Thredbo; no deadly heat waves, ask Chicago; no limnic eruptions, ask Cameroon; no deadly storms, ask Argentina; no deadly tornadoes, ask the US with 1000 on the average each year; no tsunamis, ask Japan; no volcanic eruptions, ask Java. WE take this for granted and God shudders, wondering what specie of humankind would willfully walk the road to perdition through corruption and reckless living, seeking to self-destruct, spurning commonsense, but each time being pulled back by the mercies of a most kind God. ON BEHALF OF MY PEOPLE, LORD, I SAY THANK YOU FOR PRESERVING THIS NATION DESPITE OUR SHORTCOMINGS.

@edorhe14: If you've got ' body that kills', I should ask: Why the special attention on your biceps? I ask because many guys consider their biceps a I-CF [Impression-Creating Feature] and focus too much on it to the detriment of the other features. The quickest and most likely part of the body to impress with is usually the biceps, mainly because they are 'accessible', and obvious. Little wonder most body-building ad focus on men and women sporting the bulge. As you probably will have observed, a guy who want s to impress a new catch or show is musculature or wants to ensure that his T-shirt flatters the biceps would do a few quick reps of push-ups. Even at the gym, most guys focus too much on biceps-building exercises. My point however is that no matter what you do, always ensure that your body features are proportionate, else, you could look funny. Another instance: many guys look like a wine glass simply because they focus too much on the upper body to the effect that the pecs, lats and abs, biceps and triceps are all better developed that the lower region muscles. Truth is: squats is a killer, and you might know that the calf muscles are the toughest to build, but we cannot neglect those muscles because they are pain-givers, can we? But if you must build the biceps, try intensive barbell curls with weights that complement your body weight. Enjoy.

MOUTHING IT
When the Nobel Laureate, Wole Soyinka described a former Attorney-General of the Federation as ‘speaking from the two compass points’ of his mouth, he was referring to a disease which has ravaged the country for so long. I call it double-mouthedness. This disease- because it is a disease- causes the sufferer to be oblivious to the shame, disgrace or a lack of self-respect that his action [in this case, utterance] might cause him. This dreadful disease is mostly suffered by politicians and other public office holders. But that’s not to say that ordinary people are immune.
I have observed in the course of time that our country is blessed with so many of such people who literally have two mouths, one of which is visible at all times and the other invisible to give the impression that they are like other people. The mouths are for different situations. For instance, if you suffer such a disease, you can use one mouth to attack a political opponent, threaten him, denigrate his person and cast aspersions on all his efforts, hoping, of course, that your humble effort pays off. And when it does not, you can use the other mouth to sing his praise, remind him of how, without him, the sun would not have shone. And should he remind you of your past disservice to his person, you can use the praise mouth to tell him that you were only playing. Haba, could he not take a joke?
It amazes me how easily men lose honor and earn dishonor through double-mouthedness. A man with whom has been entrusted the responsibility of protecting his party’s interest proudly proclaims that he worked against his party to ensure that the opposition won- after , you guessed right, the opposition won. Not only is he making no bones about being a saboteur, he is also unashamedly claiming responsibility for the opposition’s victory. That’s like looking at a bald-headed man and telling him to thank you because you asked God to help him save on barbing cost! How low can a man stoop for money!
In the same vein, a senator-elect who is endowed with two mouths decides to use one of his mouths to congratulate his former godfather on his party’s victory. But he does not seem to remember that he had used the other mouth in the past to verbally bash his godfather. And what is the godfather’s reaction? Total rebuff. As we can see, double-mouthedness is the ill wind that blows the sufferer no good.
Weeks ago, a royal father made a statement that cast a question on the throne and its occupant, as he threatened to send a particular tribe to the depths of the lagoon. Amid the furor and blood-letting that such an utterance could generate, a feeble statement came from the office of his eminence to the effect that he did not mean what he said, or did not say what he meant, which is as confusing as the word goes. That at best is royal double-mouthedness.
Another example of two-mouthedness is taken from a warmonger’s eagerness and willingness to ‘cooperate’ with the incoming administration, regardless of his own candidate loss at the poll. Even worse, regardless of his past rantings and threats. He probably surmised that the new President would fight a no-holds barred war with militants like himself. Now would be a good time to smile like an overfed Cheshire cat and tell the president that the incessant vandalism of oil pipelines, kidnappings and killings were just a harmless prank. “Sai, can’t you take a joke?”
Time will tell.

Dear Diary,
I am a woman of 37 and I have been living with a man for 10 years and I have had three children for him. But he has not asked me to marry him. What baffles me is that he says he loves me, and each time I broach the question of marriage, he somehow changes the subject. What should I do?

Dear Live-in-lover,
I think you are expecting too much from this man.You expect him to propose after only 10 years with you? Nah, you should actually wait until you have spent at least 25 years and have three more babies for him.

A column where very private matters of the heart are discussed, sincere [if you believe that] solutions proffered, and participants encouraged to change for the better. Share your personal experiences here and watch the superb and hilarious pieces of advice we give.

Workout 1. THE MIND GAME (1)

At what point did the word 'exercise' enter the human lexicon? Why do we even need to exercise? Why can we not just carry on from day to day, eating all we can and just die when the time comes? Why can we not generally celebrate protuberant mid regions and sagging waists and bull-frog necks? I will tell you why- It's because we CARE.
We care about how we look, what people think about us, how they address us. We care about the kind of image people have of us, the impressions we create. We care about the pains we feel, the emotional strains we undergo when negative comments are made about our body. These are comments that could destroy our self confidence for life. So we care whether we want to admit it or not. But truth is: caring about how we look is the starting point to changing what needs to be changed. If you care about making a change, let's go on that journey together.

In this column, I am going to prove to you that the human body is like clay and you can mold it into any shape that you desire. I will systematically take you through the steps that will get your body back to max, like a well-tuned engine of a new car. I will take you through the mental, physical, psychological and social levels of workouts. Your time has come to show a great body.

SOUTH AFRICA’S SONG OF HATRED

All hail South Africa, this interesting country of nearly 53 million people, multiethnic and considered the world’s 25th most populous nation. All hail the country that gave the world Apartheid, a brilliant system of segregation which demonstrated in an uncommon way the phrase ‘man’s inhumanity to man’, as well as George Orwell’s concept of inequality in Animal Farm.. All hail this country in which a white minority runs the economy and continually puts the black majority under subjection by the simple tool called booze.
It’s interesting that the same set of black people would turn against fellow blacks who sojourn in their land. The same people who fought for them against white dominance and segregation. And did someone just say something about black man and short memory?
Think about it. South Africa has done well by Nigeria. When it brought us telecommunication we rejoiced at such a novelty and danced at the ridiculously high price for which we were getting it. In a manner of speaking they scraped our heads and were happy they did. After all, every one of us desired to have an oh-eight-oh.
When they brought us a pay TV channel, we jumped up with joy because we could now surf the TV as if it was the internet, spend hours at home just watching TV and feeling that we had come up in life. It did not matter that we could never watch all the channels at once [but that’s besides the point]. Nor does it matter now that we have to put up with all manner of insults when we want to renew subscriptions. Not to mention the poor service and high cost.
In recent times, South Africa took a look at Nigeria’s population and thought it needed reducing. Wham, a Zulu king sat in his hammock and called on fellow Zulus to do the job. So they went on attacking anyone who was a black foreigner. Mark my word: black. And their excuse? Da foreignhars har tayken our jabs! Let’s break it down: Foreigners by their definition meant all blacks who live in SA. That included Ghanaians, Nigerians, Malians, etc whose skin colour was black. It therefore meant that foreigners of Caucasian origin were not a threat. And I’m asking myself, how is that possible?. At the last count, dozens of blacks from other African countries had been butchered, maimed, burnt or at least scarred mentally. All under the watch of great Jacob Zuma and the SA police.
And this brings me to the conspiracy theory that I have been working on. What if this is really not the xenophobic attack as they would have us believe? What if the SA government orchestrated it all, using blacks against themselves to make it look like some kind of ethnic cleansing? I strongly believe that Nigerians are the main targets. Even a toothless South African granny attested to that. Amidst the gibberish she uttered, the word ‘Nigerians’ was repeatedly mentioned. And vehemently, too.
I watched the pathetic weapon-wielding lot clamoring for the exit of other black nationals and their placards proclaiming that we were taking their jobs and I wondered, what jobs? These miserable, ragged and uneducated lot don’t have jobs besides smoking hemp, drinking Umqombothi and mugging unsuspecting victims. Is that the job we Nigerians are taking away from them? It appears an unsuccessful black man loves the blame game. Blame the world for their laziness, their lack and whatever else.
You and I know that Naija no dey carry last. Wherever a Nigerian shows up, you know he is a Nigerian. Our irrepressible spirit of survival ensures that we adapt, improvise and literally build highways in forests despite the adversities that we might face.
Not so the typical black South African. Like Casca’s frustrated cry before Caesar, they’d rather shout, Speak, hands, for me! And grab the next available weapon. Poor, poor losers!

GOD BLESS LAGOS TRAFFIC. WHY:
1. It teaches you patience.
2. It makes you go philosophical- thinking how traffic jam is like life itself: someone overtakes you now; the next minute you overtake them.
3. It saves you time going to Oke Arin or Oshodi market to shop.
4. You can reunite with an old 'long-time-no-see' friend right there. Or better still an old debtor!
5. It helps you make new friends- like that deranged man smiling at you from across the road. .
6. You can give alms to the poor.
7. Offers time for prayer.
8. Helps you realize how rich Nigerians are given the array of cars there with you.
9. Teaches you to count your blessings.- there you are in [your] car. No be people dey trek so?
10. It teaches you endurance- like sitting at one place for hours on end.
11. Helps you exercise your leg muscles
12. Teaches you how to take a nap. God help you if that nap turns to a 5 hours sleep in the middle of a road.
13. It helps you to...yes!
14.And this too
15. And that too
16. Even that
17. Yes, you're absolutely right.. That too.
18. Yes, that too
19. Exactly!!!
20. I was going to add that too, but you just took the words out of my mouth.
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Just watched a video of the ISIS slaughtering, I mean SLAUGHTERING their captives like a man would ordinary chickens- blood gushing out and the knife moving relentlessly until it has severed the head from the neck. A disturbing scene, you'd say. Yet even more disturbing is my claim to being a Christian. When the chips are down would I so bravely and unabashedly lay my life on the line for the One I believe in? Am I really,truly and sincerely practising my faith? I salute their courage and ask G.O.D. ..F.O.R. .T.H.A.T. .K.I.N.D. .O.F. .C.O.U..R.A.G.E. .A.N.D. .S...T...R...E...N...G...T...H.. .T.O. .P.R.A.C.T.I.S.E. .M.Y. .F.A.I.T.H. How about you?

This column looks at life from an irreverent perspective. It's satiric, brazen and creatively rendered without insulting anyone's sensibilities. It's a romance with words, with life and living. It's meant to make you think deeply, cry, and most importantly, laugh at the politics we play with our lives.