₦airaland Forum

OgaRico:
So here is how I see this story, old mutual friend that reached out to you two weeks ago didn't just reached out, I believe he/she was sent by your ex.
[b]It could be that he just want to apologize for the way he behaved then a[/b]nd get to explain things to you on why what happen, did.
But hey, watch out o because those supposed long gone feelings could just be nearby and before you know it, boom.

thanks so much for your input

TV01:
Paternal responsibility is obviously a big issue here, but it seems the OP to some degree hopes for restoration, or at least closure, and one can hardly fault her. I'll post - wrongly I know - on the assumption that her account is true, and she is blameless.

I'm far for being blameless, i know my strengths and my weaknesses. I take my share of the blame for the failure of our relationship

How do you account for a 3 year friendship, 3 year engagement, family introductions and wedding preparations well underway, with what we've heard narrated by the OP? After all, it doesn't sound like your typical western "engagement today, marriage in 3/4 years while we save" scenario does it?

retrospectively, i think he really loved me for some time. He pushed hard to get out of the friend zone, pushed hard to get things going (engagement, baby etc...) he was the one pushing for the baby as soon as possible (we are both in our late 30's now).
Maybe when things became "real" he started double guessing. from the day of our engagement, he became more irritable. We started arguing over stupid things.

Long/short, my best guess would be "he met someone else" - if there hadn't been someone he'd been invested in before, or since he met you all along. Whatever the case, fact remains, for some reason, he no longer wants what you'd seemingly both voluntarily and jointly agreed? Perhaps you'll eventually get wind if you still mix in the same social/professional circles?

that's my theory, i think he met someone new or more likely got back with an ex. In the first year of our relationship, we almost broke up because i found out that he was still in touch with an ex. She lives abroad and he kept her hanging while dating me.
He begged and begged so i took him back. For the next 2 years, he did his best to get my trust back. At the end tho, i had weird feelings. The kind of subtle signals you get when you're being cheated on. You can't confront the person without evidence but you feel something's not right. We were there when i found out that i was pregnant. I see you coming! i knew he was about to break up so i got pregnant on purpose to tie him down. Believe me or not, WE decided to stop BC 6 months before and when i finally came to my sense and started to admit that maybe, he was seing someone else, it was too late.

Cold feet? Possibly, but you could have been in exactly the same position a short while later - after marriage. Cold feet, would suggest an unserious and/or unstable man, and after 6 years you must have seen signs of that. Or even heard something - again, being in the same circles

actually, a mutual friend warned me not to date him. I thought the guy was just jealous because he hit on me in the past. He told me some disturbing stuff that now perfectly fit his character. During our time together, he failed me twice, always about money and me being in need, him earning a lot and saving a lot. He kept important infos from me till the last min (getting citizenship, starting a business back home...). Still, i was in love and always telling myself not to be too picky, that every guy comes with his flaws, how stupid i was

I wonder why the rush to have a baby? Are you quite mature? Is he?, Is he younger? Is there any unresolved issue from his upbringing or trauma from the loss of his parents? Why the insistence on seeing the baby before proceeding? If there are no doubts around paternity, what is he hoping to find, or thinking that might trigger? So many questions.

No we're not young, both in our late 30's. I don't know of any childwood trauma except from losing his father at a young age. As far as i know, he was happy and loved. The "i must see the baby first" thing is a scam. Because, then, if he's sincere, he only has to pick up his phone and schedule a meeting. It's been months now. He never did. So, i want to see the baby first but i don't take any step to see him hence, i can keep this stupid woman waiting forever.

Whatever the case, emotionally, it must be extremely hard for OP. How does one move on, or learn to trust again with such huge questions lingering? I'll come to that later.

There was no joining, so technically, what is in view here is the well-being of the child. I would exhort you to not let your feelings becloud how you approach this - easier to ask than to do, I fully realize.

Let him know that he has a responsibility to be a part of the child's life - both physically and materially. Let him know you are willing for you both to reach accommodation without recourse to the courts. Although if he is as described, it may be best to have support settled via the family courts. Your call, but it could impact how cordial your relationship is and his seeing the child.

I tried to talk to him multiple times. The first few months, i never said anything bad or resentful. I told him exactly what you said. He never answered!
It's only when i mentioned family court that he called me back.


Be the best mother you can be in the circumstances, and encourage & support his being the best father. For you both it means putting the child first.

Seems like you've set the ball rolling in some ways, but be sure to spell out clear expectations around time-frames, and what will happen if he does not wholeheartedly discuss, agree, and commit.

If you are harboring hopes of restoration, please don't try and force or guilt him into it. Let him see you as being that best mother to his child. Be cordial, be pleasant. Don't simper, be difficult or make exaggerated/unrealistic demands. Perhaps he will see the error of his ways/grow/wise up.

I have many flaws but i'm too proud to beg him or make myself weak when HE his the A.Hole here. I don't wnt restoration! never! this ship has sailed. I don't even want him around much. I just want him to sign the damn birth certificate. Then if he wants to take care of his son, fine! if he accepted to do that on his own, i would have never ask for child support. But since he wants to play dirty, let's play.

As you said i need to clear my mind and heart from any resentment and do only what's best for my boy. alas, i'm not there yet. I still need time to heal [font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]

Even then, I'd say don't shut down other options, we don't know why he bolted, or if he'll come to his senses.

All the best. Congratulations on your son. Hope he grows up to do you proud.


TV


^{For the wanna wed ladies. Consummate your union after the wedding, not before. If he talks commitment, let him demonstrate it fully. And makes sure the vision - long-term - is his, or both of yours, not one you foisted on him. I speak as to believers in Christ.}

Amelian:
Then meet up with his family... You should have told his family , as soon as u realised you are pregnant. I bet they will be able to bring him back to his senses.. Especially his mum.. Meet up with her.

And if the parents are not forthcoming. Sue his azz for child support.

tearoses:
I'm really sorry to read what you are going through and I do really feel for you

My only concern is the fact that he is asking to see the baby first before he commits.
Usually If a man doesn't want the mother, he will still put his name on the birth certificate and still provide financially without needing to have a relationship with the mother.
I agree! that's just a pretext to string me along. He pretends to be good willing, that it's just a matter of time, that he needs to see the baby first but yet, he doesn't do anything to do so.


Its strange that he has totally turned his back against both of you without even seeing the baby. Is he OK emotionally/mentally?

that's the crazy part to me too I even thought maybe he's commited to someone new but even that doesn't make sense. Why would that prevent him from taking care of his baby ?

When you met him to talk, apart from asking for child support, did you talk about why he left and what his plans are?
I did not mention child support. When we met, it was all about the birth certificate. I didn't want any money from him then.
We met at a restaurant and he started of by saying he's not over the way we split .
My blood literally started boiling in my veins.
I wanted to slap him, scream and tell him that WE did not split, HE left me pregnant and turned his back on his son and myself.
Instead i said that things ended the way they ended and that i did not want to talk about it.
He said he warned me to get rid of the pregnancy and that i can't force him into anything. He said he's not going to do things only because of social pressure. That he doesn't want to do thing halfhearted. Either he's 100% in or not.

I was so mad but i calmy reminded him that i will go to court if he don't go sign the papers.
Finally he down played it and asked me to let him more time to take the steps.

Since then, i had 2 or 3 text messages: "how you guys doing" ? "How are you, how's the baby ?"
He sent me one text on mother's day that made me really mad: "happy mothers day Mummy, hope you're well".
It took me 1 day to answer because i was torn between taking it for what it looks like and seeing it as a mockery


Leave the door just wide open enough such that he has access to his kid if and when he comes back to his senses, but guard the door to your heart very well. Dont let anyone mess you around. These men have a way of repeatedly keeping their baby mommas hanging while they enjoy the best of both worlds. Dont fall for that please. It has to be all or none.
Don't worry, i don't want anything to do with this man. No matter how deeply i loved him (i still do BTW), and how painful it is for me to know that we will never be that perfect family i strived for.
I would have forgiven him if he came back anytime during the pregnancy, on birth day or right after. But Baby T. his almost 7 months old. I had to threaten him before he even pick up my phone call. I've met with him, talked to him, tried to reassure him but he's still acting like an A. hole.
No i would not take him back no matter what. he's not interested in getting back with me anyway so...

Live your life and make yourself and your baby happy. Life happens my dear
All the best (hugs)