debosky: @ OP

I think you have a much bigger problem with your Yoruba man than his family can pose. In general (i.e. not all the time, but predominantly) if a Yoruba man is interested in keeping a child/marrying you, he will come out and say it immediately. He won't typically say something as opaque as he will 'support you regardless of your decision'.

If the guy himself isn't sending clear signals then I think you need to settle that bit first before even talking about family. Being 'supportive' sounds like he is still waiting for you to make a decision as to whether you are keeping the child or not, OR saying that he isn't interested in marrying you but will support the child if required. Again, in my view that's not the type of message someone actively seeking a deeper/longer term relationship would use.

As for the family? He's in his mid 30's and financially independent - it's unlikely they'll put up much of a fuss if he wants to marry you, unless of course he sends them signals that he isn't really interested in you long term or doesn't really want the baby.

In terms of cultural norms, it would be relatively more acceptable if the pregnancy was announced to the family as simply something that has happened to hasten plans for marriage that were already in progress. Some families are definitely disapproving of pregnancy before marriage, but most will generally overcome any such resistance if marriage is already planned.

That's why I feel it's really dependent on the guy - the way he frames the pregnancy/his relationship with you will be the biggest influence on how you are received. If he acts like you're the one he wants to marry, then it's likely to be smooth sailing. If he comes off as you trying to trap him or he not really being interested, then you could face significant opposition.

That was so extremely helpful. Thank you! You guys have offered a great deal of insight. I'll be talking to him again about our options in a few. I'll keep you guys posted on any developments. Thanks again for the help.

Mrs.Chima:
Imjust..if you met the family and they have accepted you then you don't have nothing worry about as far as fsmily goes...what I am confused by is the fact you appeared not to know his family.

I can tell you how my husband' s family will respond to abortion. .. cheating...domestic abuse..and host of oters. I have great communication with his igbo family. I have All of their work...business. .home..mobile. .and pager numbets!! I have their e-mails and home addreses. I have received gifts from them and stayed in their homes. I can say I know his family and love them to pieces! I have pictures of all of the family and my sister in law named her baby after my mother!

If anyone ask me about his family I can answer without asking them.

I have met them and they seem accepting of our relationship, but I cannot say that I know them well. My bf and I have been dating for less than one year.

baby_123:

Lady, just like your family will take to you marrying an African. No family is different. Obviously everyone has reservations about each other and stereotypes here and there. You both are a mature couple, no one can beat you, or kill you. If he is worth being in a relationship with you as a mature lady, am sure he is a mature person too. Why even jump into stereotypes about a people whom you wish to be a part of and your unborn child will be part of by blood? Why even go there? You are looking for trouble that isn't there. Just relax and destress, let the guy handle things. Yoruba's are not aliens. . All the stories are fairy tales, take people for who they are, don't generalise. Otherwise you miss out on the good. Approach people with stereotypes and whatever you want or are looking for will be killed by bias. Not everyone is blind to a biased person you know.

Like I said earlier, I do not mean to offend. I don't view Yoruba people negatively at all. I really thought that there would be some cultural norms that people could offer insight on. I understand that everyone is different. I'll relax and try not to worry. Thanks.

baby_123:

She's sounding like there is more to it. Cause honestly, I don't see what the problem is. If she said she wants to know the do's and donts when relating to the family or meeting the family then I would understand. Why did she say they would be angry?

I have already met the family and they seem to like me. They have accepted me even though I am not from their tribe or even their country. This is something I was worried about before interacting with them because I have heard a a lot of horror stories. I am not saying that the family will definitely be angry. I am not sure. I just wanted to see what people who know the Yoruba culture well may have to say on the issue.

baby_123: OP, answer our questions honestly...

We spoke of marriage prior to the pregnancy and it is something we were both looking forward to. We were not officially engaged and we had not selected a date. My issue now is that I don't want to get married just because of the baby. I want him to be in the marriage for the right reasons. I am answering honestly. I want to get as much information as possible.

baby_123:

Why are you all of a sudden concerned about a family you didnt care about, when you were cohabitating with their son? I would think before you would move in with a man. All those areas would have been looked into carefully.

We are not cohabitating. We are dating. I have met his family and they seem to like me, but I am worried that they will be upset about the pregnancy given that we are not married.

baby_123:

She definitely wanted the child, but maybe the guy is not responding to marriage like she would expect. So now she is trying to learn how to work the family or fight the family. For an AA funny that you want to dwell on stereotypes when you most likely have been judged by such most of your life.

I am not trying to use his family. What I am most worried about is that they will not be accepting of the child. I have not asked him to marry me, so I am not sure if that is an option. I have read threads in this forum before and seen advice offered to people based on tribal beliefs and such. I was not trying to offend. I was just looking for help.

Ujujoan:

No need to get defensive here, we are all adults, nobody blames you!
My point is that you must have considered this BEFORE you got pregnant, seeing as it was expected (if not planned).
You must have thought about how his family will react to the pregnancy and whatever you concluded was enough for you to allow yourself get pregnant.
We are not his family and cannot answer that question for you . . . You should already know that!
Whether they accept you or not should not in any way affect your decision . . . you should be making plans on how to raise your child, not wondering if his family will welcome you.

I never said whether or not they will accept me has an impact on my decision. Nor did I say that I was not planning how to raise my child. I can plan to be a parent AND wonder if his family will accept me. Those things can be done simultaneously. Thank you for responding.

RollingFella:

I will suggest you tell him about your pregnancy. I personally do not believe in generalising people based on tribe or culture. From my experiences in life,i have learnt to always relate with each person as they come or as we meet in life's journey on earth. However,in every tribe and culture,there are the good people and bad ones. Being matured,educated and financially stable is a pointer that to a large extent,he is his own man,and as such has his own decisions to make,not minding his tribe or culture. If after telling him, from his reactions, you will have an idea on if he will accept you and the pregnancy or not.i assume that the little time you have spent with him should give some hints of knowing your man.However, whatever the situation may be,please do not go for abortion. babies are blessings from God and abortion is a crime against God.If you have further questions, i can be of immense help. God be with you as you take a decision.

I appreciate your response. I do not want to have an abortion. I included that in my question because I am not sure what his family's views on abortion are. As a tribe, I am unsure of where Yorubas stand on the issue. I have already told him about the pregnancy and he is supportive.

Mrs.Chima:


You need to speak to his family. ..we don't know and surely can't speak for them.

That is my plan. I was just hoping to maybe get an idea of what to expect. I don't know many Yoruba people, so I have no idea how things may go. I know that simply because they are Yoruba does not guarantee a specific response, but I do know that there are some cultural norms and I just wanted people to share what may happen or maybe what they have seen happen in similar situations.

Ujujoan: I really do not see what the big deal is here . . .
Obviously the pregnancy is not a big shock to you. I'm sure you knew it was a possibility even before it happened. Why else will you have unprotected s3x and neglect to take morning after pills. . .
You are not some teenager who got pregnant by mistake, you made a choice and you should be ready to stand by it.
Please get ready to take care of your child, with or without the father in your life!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I think you may have missed my question. I am not concerned by how the father will respond. We have already discussed this. He has been very supportive. I am just wondering how his family will respond. I am just trying to get a sense of how accepting they may or may not be of me and the pregnancy/child.

And I don't recall you asking if I took the morning after pill. Whether I did or not is none of your concern. I did not ask about the process of conception or safe sex practices. Like I said, I am educated. I am aware of such things. I am asking for someone to comment on what I may be up against with regards to his family.

ifyalways: @OP,have you told the man and what did he say.

You both are adults so i believe you know what to get when you have unprotected sex.
And please,disregard that notion that he already has a wife at home;its coming from a stranger who knows zilch about your man.

I understand what you are saying about unprotected sex. You are right. That is why I say the pregnancy was unplanned. I cannot honestly say that it is unexpected. Like you said, we are both adults. We know better.

I did tell him. He said he will support me regardless of my decision. He seems overwhelmed but believes that no matter what, everything will be fine.

Mr. Globe:

He has a wife at home probably and can you cook dishes from his tribe?

That is funny! He doesn't have a wife. That is the least of my concerns. He is already an American citizen (he was when I met him) and spends all of his time in America along with his immediate family.

I can cook a few dishes, yes. I'm no expert though.

Mr. Globe:
Just be ready to be a single parent.

Really? That is something I do not want. Can you tell me why this is likely?

I just discovered that I am pregnant for a yoruba man. We have been dating for several months and things are great, but the pregnancy is completely unplanned. I don't know much about his family, specifically how they feel about pregnancy outside of marriage, abortion, etc. I have read a lot about traditional yoruba culture, but I don't know if his family is extremely traditional or if they have assimilated some to the American culture because they have been here for several years. Anyway, I am hoping to gain some insight about how his family may react to my pregnancy. I know that no one will really know for sure. I am just asking that people provide information based on what would be typical of yoruba parents. FYI, we are both mature adults in our mid 30's. We are well educated and financially stable. We do not live with our parents and we do not require assistance from them. If you need to ask questions before being able to offer advice, I will be happy to answer.